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I like dandelion seeds

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Haiku Buffet, Redmond, WA

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Tacoma Arboretum

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They say hummingbirds carry the spirits of your loved ones...

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Love and life so weird

Sometimes in life you meet people who you just love. Maybe they get you and you get them. And even if you are never meant to be together you admire them and appreciate who they are.

And what is love anyway. You love them enough to let them go. It’s sometimes not about you. And that’s ok.

Then you have to do what’s best for you. At the end of the day you can’t control anyone but you’re own self. You can’t make someone have that same level of love and you have to let go. You find the one who does or can live with who you are. Love is a choice. We choose who we love. And sometimes it’s just logical versus emotional.

Overtime that old love becomes a fantasy. The reality of it is not as exciting. And maybe that’s how I want to leave it. A fantasy. A “what if” because that’s more romantic and exciting.

I love someone. But I’m with someone else. I love him too but not like I love the other one. The other just doesn’t feel the same as I do. I’m solo in this love. So I take the one who does love me. Because I deserve to be loved and the one who works hard to care for me and make me feel special deserves it back. It’s work and a constant struggle. But the harder you work the greater the rewards.

My real life is based on logical choices and I think that’s a bit smarter. If I relied on the emotions I wouldn’t really be happy. Good bye old love. May you always exist in the distant thoughts of lost adventure and unpredictability. Ah so beautiful and tragic. An unrequited love. An absolutely stupid dream.

Good bye.

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Reset?

Heavy thoughts Fill me

Escape such a luxury

The tears will not fall

Sometimes you just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes all the things you held so dear and fought to put into your life can also be your downfall. Sometimes you have to stop and say no more.

Sometimes you need to expect less and lower your standards.

Sometimes you have to release something precious from the strong grasp of your fist.

Sometimes you have to realize that it will be okay to be without it.

Sometimes you have to decide what’s really important.

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and empty your mind.

Sometimes your brain needs to go on autopilot and you let someone else carry the banner.

Sometimes you take time to just be still and breathe. Sometimes you just need to relax and reset.

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Saturday Night...Uptown Espresso Enjoying the sounds of board game enthusiasts, conversations of privilege and poverty, and lovely, pretentious music.

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Fuck it and stick to mindfulness...

Upset...when one’s motivation is thwarted by another person or event...when your expectation isn’t met...when something you value is being upheld or is taken away...when someone doesn’t see eye to with you. I say fuck it. Upset is in the mind. It’s a choice. I don’t have the time for it. I got this view from my porch and some rosé. Me, myself and I. No one take away my peaceful mind or this moment away from me.

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Free thought, free choice...truly possible?

There’s no need to go into what we already know considering all the issues of today most especially with technology, politics, and social media. Everyday, I have this yearn to want to break free from the norm and experience real liberation from the society around us. But is it truly obtainable?

Do my thoughts just reflect those around me, the people I associate with or the stuff already tagged on to my social media profiles? Do I really love nature and care about eco-friendly practices. Does my passion really lie in human service or am I really an advocate for social justice in the world? Do I truly desire equity for all versus equality? Paper versus plastic? Socialism versus capitalism.

Seriously people. Do we really have free thought? Do we really make our own pure choices? The information fed to us leans one way or another. We are without a doubt sheep being guided and manipulated. Our upset is prodded by hidden agendas and the competition to obtain the money that we believe we work so hard for.

So how to be really free? How to go against the grain? What actions can you take?

Perhaps it’s going backwards...perhaps it’s not caring so much. Letting go of what we hear we should be worry about.

I have no answers for anyone. But I know I can no longer stand idly wondering and watching the world swirl around me. There are so many things out of our control-if not are whole time being in existence. We only have one life. And each person must decide how they are going to make the most of it.

My new focus for two weeks. Go backwards. I’m choosing one avenue that some don’t even bother anymore due to our so called advance society with smart phones, 4K TVs, online dating, latest drug, and VR devices. Instead of my beloved happy hours with a friend drinking vodka soda with muddled lime, bitching about why men and women just can’t make relationships work. Or leaning onto the bar counter and stealing glances at the hot bartender mixing drinks wondering if he free poured or not. Or smoking the latest hybrid while taking a break drinking prosecco. I’m going to the library. I’m grabbing those god forsaken magazines covered with hard plastic and I’m reading that shit.

Why? Cause it’s not a screen, it’s weird, and I never done it ever. I’m gonna sit in a comfortable seat and ignore the young pimply teens looking for Japanese manga with animal fur hats or the annoying little kids carrying more books higher than their heads or the creepy guy at the computer with the shields so we can’t see him looking at lord knows what.

It’s on and it’s all for me. No one else. Cause the world doesn’t care what I do honestly. And right now that’s all the freedom I need.

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OB, San Diego

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Random Thoughts On Being Human

Being human is an amazing and almost incomprehensible concept. We are these fused atoms in the universe that have this level of intelligence, a body, and range of emotions. Along side this are all the intricacies of life. It’s interesting that all things do have the positive but also the negative. We feel happiness but also sadness. We feel pride but also shame. We can be confident but also be arrogant. Even in nature the sun gives us life but can also burn life away. A bear is cute and furry but can also kill weaker animals. It’s amazing that we work through these conflicting things of being human and surviving in nature, protecting ourselves from animals, scourging the earth to finding sustainable resources, and most of all protection from the most dangerous animal-man.

This ying and yang of life and finding that balance to keep living is a miracle in itself. There are so many things that could kill us and even our own existence could even destroy us. We live on earth and try to survive but our efforts to do this could be our own demise-such as global warming, agriculture, technology pollution, or even our wars against each other as we fight for resources and power.

I strongly believe modern humans are no longer in touch with nature. We are not in harmony with this planet. The animals survive on this planet with no technology and their level of emotions do not overwhelm them. How is it that humans now can no longer sense the tsunami coming but animals can? Even with all our advances we can no longer hear the whispers of this planet? Do we actually belong here?

Most of all I struggle with just being a human and working through all that we experience. Of course there is that question of why do we exist and do we have a purpose. Or maybe there is no purpose we just are here. Also why were we not given a choice to exist? I didn’t ask to be here but I am here. All the things I go through can be beautiful and amazing but also really hard. And I know I’m not alone. It’s hard to feel depressed, dissapointed, ashamed, fearful, or sad. So many horrible things happen here on earth. How ever in the world do we even manage through it? Perhaps the good things have so much more power than the bad that it gives us strength to keep going.

I want to be like the wild animals. I want to be at the lower levels of intelligence. Just not aware of all the crap we humans worry about. It would be nice to be attached to nature and not let the higher emotions take over. Just because higher intelligence is there doesn’t necessarily mean you’re smart. What do the birds know that I don’t? What energy does the plant grow from that I’m not attached to? I want to be unplugged from the human world and connected into the unseen flow or energy of this planet.

I want to leave behind society and technology. Put a micro home on a piece of land out in the country and be self-sustaining. I don’t want to be sitting in morning traffic or trying to claw my way up a career ladder. I’m not good at any of this shit. I don’t mean being completely isolated. More along the lines of I’m tired of profiting off people and only connecting with people for personal gain. I like people because their interesting. I just want to hear their stories and laugh. Not sit in meetings working out methods to keep our pockets full and sipping on Starbucks taking selfies so others think I have a life. Let’s sit by a fire and connect-share bread. Let’s be different somehow.

This is something that I am considering and there are many things to learn on how to come close to being different than how I was raised to be. Perhaps the key to what I seek is in something more simple-perhaps thinking backwards. I don’t think its something at all complicated. And I have more thinking to do. There is a lot to walk away from and that takes the right timing…we shall see…..