whatahoax-blog

[whatahoax-blog]

Distant and Tearing

I can explain the feelings I felt today, it was a rollercoaster or emotions. I felt distant from everyone I spoke to, the feeling was just there and took over around all my so called friends. It was almost as if no one knew me, although now that I think of it does anyone actually know me. I cried as I woke up this morning, I've been stressing so much. Pimples are appearing due to this stress and anxiety. I cry way too much, I ran to the bathroom on Friday during design because I was just in tears. I was overwhelmed and anxious and I just hate this feeling of failure. I feel like an incomplete mess for no reason yet every reason. As soon as I got home I had to make the call to the insurance for my failure back in February. I cried, so much, blazing hot tear; the good kind. I couldn't help the feeling that over came me. Failure. Disappointment. It seems to be a reoccurring feeling. No boys to update on, as usual. H confuses me, she has a problem with L and J but continues to be 100% with L and I hate when she tells both of us the same story, it makes me feel less than. She sometimes leaves me out which is fine I guess because she has other friends too but she makes me feel like I've don't something wrong or I'm less than. perhaps that explains my need to distance my self. I really want my licence. It’s killing my not having it, know that I failed not once but TWICE over minimal things; it’s almost as if the universe is against me which is for sure a cliche thing to say, but I really feel it. This year so far has really opened my eyes to how fake people can be, more so friends. I can't seem to talk to mom normally anymore, I love her to bits but I just feel like I've disappointed her. I can't seem to do anything to my own standard and its killing me. She doesn't expect much but I feel like I need to prove something to be more than what T was. I want be the person she can be proud of and give her the feeling that she did something right with me, as T went down the wrong path. I feel like such a failure in that department and it hurts. Ive wasted so much money on failure that it pains me. 

S and K are getting serious and Ive tried to hide the way I feel about it but I wasn't honest with my self. I still love him. I guess I'll always love him, fell for him when I was 10 and i’m now 16. Thats crazy. I can't know if its real love since its the closest ive gotten to actual love but it sure feels like as sort of love. I miss him. Now he’s with the hottest girl in school and well, I can't compete with that. Ive been replaced with B as his best friend and I can help but resent her for it, first E and now S. I guess I had to leg got eventually. I really wanted him to ask me the ball, I knew it was a long shot but I was hoping he'd come over and we’d talk till 2 In the morning on a Sunday night and forget about school the next day because were lost in conversation. Like last time. But no. the universe runs against me. I can't seem to find anyone I love or like. I just can't feel that way for anyone I already know. I want it to be instant, I wanna feel the attraction and chemistry between us from the first meeting. I want ‘After’. I want he feeling I got when I watched the movie.

I really want to read more this year, I had said that at the start of the year and I bought books but never followed through even thought the desire to read has been lingering in my mind the entire time. Ive been obsessed with ‘after’ the fan fiction, which I guess counts as reading a book I mean I read 3 of the books and have bought the book that I could start reading. I decided to take a break from after thought because I know I'll get obsessed again and I want to focus on the novel for class ‘Jasper Jones’ its pretty good but just hasn't hooked me in yet. But I'm enjoying reading the actual book. I really want to read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I bought it today as well as ‘Withering Heights’. I decided to set a goal to read for at least half an hour or 3 chapters a day. I plan on reading a lot more this year as I want to improve my English. English is my favourite subject, Ive begun to prefer it over art these days which is quite a development. I got a merit in English for the first assessment and I hate myself for it. I should have worked harder, last years bad habits of settling for a merit kicked it and spoiled my excellence. Im just glad my desire to drink or get high hasn't increased due to my mental state.

This was obscenely long for a daily post but its the first one and I had a lot to get out. They won't often be this long...I hope. I have a crazy messy past that id love to talk about or answer questions about. #daddyissues bahhaaha.