whatevaaaghhhh

[whatevaaaghhhh]

i forgive you, i forgive you first the things you do, when you make the same mistakes again and again and again, i sincerely do. i forgive you for when you hurt me, for when you make me cry, honestly i do, and always i will.

but you said how you’ll leave if i do this again, if i do that again, you won’t stay, yes you said it casually, honestly and meant it. you’ll leave me if i cause you this hurt again. you’ll leave us if i couldn’t get better, if i don’t stop hurting you with my words, if i don’t change, you’ll leave.

how do i always end up being the person left alone? if you read it you’ll say i’m playing victim. i don’t want to, make me the villain god for once, make me the person who leaves and isn’t left for once, make me the person who feels less and not more, make me the person who loves less, and not the most. make me anything but not me, tomorrow or in the next life.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

it’s so painful to watch yourself grow cold, bitter, and resentful, even toward small, irrelevant things, when all you’ve ever wanted was just to be warm, gentle, kind, and loving.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

𝐈𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐈’𝐦 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭. 𝐈’𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞.

excerpts from a book I’ll never write

[whatevaaaghhhh]

[whatevaaaghhhh]

— unknown (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[whatevaaaghhhh]

i hate men

[whatevaaaghhhh]

you yelled at me on the phone, was it not enough? you stopped noticing me, was it not enough? you never valued my tears, said i do it all the time, was it not enough? you take pride every time you make me cry, was it not enough? you made me feel i was too much, felt a lot, thought a lot, said a lot, was it not enough? i am numb, my tears have dried, eyes barren, there but not really, smiling but not my eyes, hating my skin, clawing my flesh, staring at the walls, dreaming of the man who once loved me, the man who wouldnt raise his voice ever, who who would care if i am hurt, is it enough now? i dont know you anymore, baby, you are not the person i thought you were, can you let me go? i can't.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

endless, tiresome pursuit

[whatevaaaghhhh]

"There's a lot men don't understand. Any girl prefers a miserable man to a success story, because she wants love to be active. Men are busy. For them, love is secondary. A little conversation, a walk in the garden, and that's all. To me, loving you means dreaming up ways to cure your anguish, and following you anywhere. If you're in heaven, I'm in heaven. If you're down, I'm down with you."

The Little Tailor, (Short Film 2010)

[whatevaaaghhhh]

i’m tired

[whatevaaaghhhh]

how do i go back to the day i never met, he never existed for me, we lived in our separate worlds oblivious about each other's existence. how do i stop loving him when he already did.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

but i see her, in the back of my mind, all the time.

like a fever, like i’m burning alive, like a sign.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

i have this feeling, this intuition that he's going to leave me soon. i am difficult, to be around, to care for, to love. i have my fears, my anxities, my issues that i am yet to recover from. they come up once in a while, leaving both of us in a huge pile of mess, mentally.

i don't expect him to understand that, i don't expect anyone to undestand that for the matter of fact. no one should be responsible for someone else's issues. i can't hold him accountable for everything wrong in my life when it's me who's so unlovable. i would be sad, yes, depressed, if he leaves me, but not surprised. we don't expect people to stay when our worst sides come out, do we? it is good when you always manage to put up a show, hiding everything well enough.

it would rip my soul apart if he leaves me for the person i am. but he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve any of it. he doesn't deserve me being mean to him and pushing him away. all he deserves is my love, and not the mess my head creates sometimes. nobody should stay with such a person for too long.

i know, my heart knows, i won't get to marry him. someone perfect, who doesn't make him mad all the time, someone who is 'sane', who heals his soul, he'd find her. i am not his endgame, i can feel it. i am not for anyone. i wish he would find the person he wished i was.

but i love him, with everything i have, every inch of skin, every cell in my body, every vein every strand, i love him, it kills me but i love him and so i'll have to be prepared to let him go when the time comes.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

I love the Smiths.

[whatevaaaghhhh]

Being attached to somebody who can’t love you, is one of the toughest feelings to shake

[whatevaaaghhhh]

I am the monster under my own bed, the thing that keeps love from sleeping here

[whatevaaaghhhh]