whatshebesayin

[whatshebesayin]

I want to kiss you so fucking bad

[whatshebesayin]

You talk to her everyday

I know you do

Your face changes as you type a message

That face you make when you talk to her

I wonder…

Do I get the same face?

Do I make your eyes sparkle?

I just want to be yours

And for you to be mine

Only mine

[whatshebesayin]

You said you love me too… but do you love her too?

[whatshebesayin]

I confessed… idk what to do anymore

[whatshebesayin]

You didn’t want me in your bed last night. That broke my heart a little more.

[whatshebesayin]

How do you know if you’re in love with someone? You love how they kiss you. How they hug you. How they make sure you eat everyday. How they smile when they look at you. How they want the best for you. How they hold you while you sleep. How they trace the marks on your skin with such tenderness. But… how do you know?

[whatshebesayin]

I remember the time you saw me from afar. You opened your arms and hugged me tight. You squeezed me and lifted me up in the air. I’ll never say how amazing it felt.

[whatshebesayin]

Why me?

Why me? The person I’ve loved the most is gone. Why me? Everything becomes harder. Why me? Everything becomes dark. Why me? Nothing has any meaning. Why me? You were there. I hold on to you as I’m falling into the abyss. You’re here. With me. You keep me afloat. You help me breathe again. I’m ok. But then I feel like I ruin it. I make mistakes. I make you feel bad. I make you cry. I don’t want you to cry. I don’t want to be the reason you cry. I cry. You make me smile. I make you sad. How could I do that? How dare I? I try so hard. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. There’s no excuses. I made you cry. I wanna cry. I wanna die. Why me?

[whatshebesayin]

I know. I don’t.

I know I’m a little fucked up in the head. I know I’m a little crazy at times. I know I can be mean and assertive. I know I can be overwhelming and a lot to deal with. I know I can be loud and overly expressive. I know I can be emotional and closed up. I know I can be angry. I know I have a lot of annoying mood swings. I know all of that. And I know I have to fix it. But how? How? When all I know is to be all of those things. I don’t want to be annoying or mean. I swear I don’t do it on purpose… sometimes. It just kinda happens and then it’s instant regret. I don’t want to cause a burden. I don’t want to be unlikeable. I don’t want to be unlovable. I don’t want to be crazy. I don’t want to be alone. It’s scary to be alone. I want to be safe. I want to be nice and supportive. I don’t want to depend on people but I know that’s unrealistic. You need people to not be alone… and that’s depending on someone. I want to be happy. I know my dad would want me to be happy. But I don’t know how.