whereisnardo

[whereisnardo]

Naruto characters as dog breeds, based solely on vibes:

There will be no explanations, vibes only~

Sakura: Chow chow

Ino: Poodle (standard)

Choji: beagle

Shikamaru: bulldog

Naruto: golden retriever

Kakashi: Siberian husky

Orochimaru: one of those hairless ones man idk

Sasuke: shiba inu

Gaara: Shar Pei

Itachi: Basenji

Tsunade: dogo Argentino

Gai: Labrador Retriever

Rock Lee: German Shepard

Sai: Border Collie

Killer Bee: Afghan Hound

Hashirama: Weimaraner

Tobirama: Akita

[whereisnardo]

[whereisnardo]

[whereisnardo]

Does ... does Kensei know about Mashiro's sister? Is he aware of her existence? Because seriously the headaches - oh GOD the headaches - my man will need some aspirin ...

I know you didn't specifically ask for a fic but I had a blast imagining this. Poor Kensei... 😂

Characters: Kensei Muguruma, Mashiro Kuna, Shuhei Hisagi, Niko Kuna (mentioned)

Contents: not strictly x reader, sfw

Kensei Muguruma

It was such an innocuous comment that shattered Kensei Muguruma's sense of reality, and it wasn't even aimed at him. He'd been minding his own damn business, leafing through a draft for next year's budget proposals. This wasn't the kind of thing he could leave Hisagi to do on his own. It would dictate how much funding the Ninth Division and the Seireitei Communication received next year. His fukutaicho were jabbering in the background, but he was tuning them out, until—

"Jeez, you complain even more than my sister," Mashiro complained.

She was sprawled out across a couch she'd had brought in at some point. Kensei didn't even remember when. Her orange go-go boots dangled over the arm. She had a bag of some seaweed snack tucked into the crook of her arm, and was steadily spraying crumbs everywhere as she pointed a finger at Hisagi, accusing.

"Who's the Super Lieutenant?" she asked, before jabbing a finger at herself. "Me! That means you work and I supervise. Duh!"

"We're co­­-lieutenants," Hisagi reminded her, for what felt like the thousandth time. "That means we divide the responsibilities equally."

"Yeah, I'm taking supervising duty, and you're doing paperwork duty," Mashiro scoffed, as if that should be obvious. She took a bite of seaweed chip, pleased with her argument.

"That's not—"

Hisagi sighed and gave up. It wasn't worth the headache. Truthfully, she'd cause less trouble if she thought she was in charge, anyway. Mashiro would get bored of "supervising" him in a little under an hour and either fall asleep or go find someone else to bother.

At a slight remove from this familiar workplace drama, Kensei Muguruma had gone very, very still. The pen he'd been using to scratch down notes on the budget draft had fallen from his nerveless fingers and lay abandoned, dripping a little tear of ink. Forgotten.

Kensei's gaze was fixed upon the tuft of lime green hair he could see sticking up over the back of the couch. A whole herd of Hollows could have crashed in right then and he wouldn't have noticed.

"SISTER?" he barked.

Hisagi flinched, turning to look at his superior. Muguruma-taicho couldn't have looked more shocked if someone had whacked him over the back of the head with a plank of wood. Mashiro's head popped up over the couch to frown at him.

"Yeah?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "Like a brother but a girl. Jeez, Kensei, you're so dumb…"

"THERE ARE TWO OF YOU?!" Kensei demanded.

Veins stood out in his neck, his reiatsu spiking until every shinigami in a mile radius was was rubbing their arms and looking over their shoulders for the danger. He shot to his feet, sending his chair toppling backward.

It couldn't be true. There couldn't be two of those infuriating brats in the world. It went against everything he'd ever heard about the balance between the three realms. It would be like having two Soul Kings or something. Mashiro was an absolute. There couldn't be anyone else as annoying as her in the rest of the universe.

Hisagi looked between his internally-detonating taicho and Mashiro, confusion and alarm warring within him.

Mashiro laughed, flopping back.

"Kensei, you're such an idiot," she sighed, stuffing another chip in her mouth and talking through the crumbs. "There's no one like me! Niko's just a little nerd."

Hisagi chipped in, a little more helpfully. "Uh, she's right, sir. Niko Kuna works for the Twelfth Division in the Shinigami Research and Development Institute, with Akon. She's quite different to Kuna-san."

THUMP.

Kensei's fists met the top of the desk, making his pen pot rattle. He braced himself on his fists, slowly leaning down, his face obscured. He seemed to be breathing hard, like he'd run a marathon. His voice came out low and strianed.

"Why didn't you say anything, you damn brat? I've known you how many centuries?"

If he'd had some warning, he might not have had a miniature heart attack just now. He'd been picturing a second, smaller Mashiro, like a green-haired version of that little hellion Kenpachi kept around like a pet.

"Why would I tell you that?" Mashiro scoffed. "It's not like it's that important. She and I don't hang out much. Stay outta my business. You're such a nosy jerk, Kensei!"

Kensei straightened up slowly, like he was in physical pain. He dragged a large hand over his face, wiping the cold sweat from his face.

"Hisagi, finish the budget report," he said, hoarse. "I'm…I'm going for a drink."

[whereisnardo]

Friendly reminder that this blog is pro-choice and if you don’t think everyone should have full control of their own body, then kindly unfollow me right now and go to hell

[whereisnardo]

Why were they banned from tinder?? (It’s easier than u think)

Sasuke: bullying matches after they turned him down

Sakura: bullying matches after they turned her down and relentlessly stalking them after

Kiba: overly sexual messages, making his matches uncomfortable

Deidara: profile reported for being fake, it wasn’t.

Orochimaru: profile reported for being fake, it was.

Hinata: profile reported for being fake because she never answers messages.

Ino: See Deidara

Naruto: deleted tinder after realizing he wouldn’t build meaningful relationships with people, constantly disappointed no one would even want to remain friends.

Rock Lee: his enthusiasm scared people

Kisame: reported for being scary :( he was sad about it

Neji: deleted it after he realized how embarassing it would be to see people he knew.

Kakashi: deleted it after a student mentioned seeing his profile. He insisted it was fake. It wasn’t.

Tenten: she deleted tinder after receiving one too many bad pick up lines.

Kankuro: he was banned from tinder after sending one too many bad pick of lines 🤔

Temari: Kankuro reported her account.

Gaara: Kankuro and Temari reported his account.

Choji: never had a tinder in the first place

Shikamaru: reported by one of his sneaky links after being a jerk.

Genma: pissed off the wrong woman with his lies.

[whereisnardo]

Who passes the vibe check?

Passes, immaculate vibes: Naruto, Kakashi, Gaara, Choji, Minato, Temari, Hashirama, Rock Lee, Killer B, Gai, Yahiko, Konan, Deidara, Kisame

Passes, good vibes: Hinata, Asuma, Shikamaru, Shizune, Kurenai, Raido, Itachi, Nagato, Kushina, Iruka

Questionable Vibes: Jirya, Kiba, Neji, Shino, Sakura, Ino, Tsunade, Genma, C, Sasori, Obito, White Zetsu

Does not pass, Bad Vibes: Hiruzen, Sasuke, Tobirama, A, Pein, Kakazu

This dude is a serial killer: Kabuto, Orochimaru, Madara, Rasa, Black Zetsu, Hidan

[whereisnardo]

Naruto boyfriends, best to worst:

Asuma: he’s dedicated, loyal, and there’s a romantic side underneath all that manliness. He’s soft for his S/O and students, but that’s IT. Also gives best cuddles.

Gaara: such a soft boi. He’s doting and sweet, but he’s a bit lost on romantics, having no real experience. He’s willing to learn and communicate with his S/O to make their relationship work. Overall, very healthy relationship.

Naruto: Naruto does everything with his whole heart, that means his relationships too. If he loves you, he loves you. And he tells you everyday. Perhaps the one downside of dating Naruto is that it can become too much, so he is not well suited to S/Os that tend to feel smothered by overly affectionate partners. But he’s not embarrassed of his feelings and will always communicate with his S/O.

Raido: an emotionally stable, giant buff man? Is this real life? The downfall of dating Raido truly lies in his work schedule. He’s a busy homage guard, however he does have a safer post than most. So peace of mind is due to the loss of quality time. This can cause tension in his relationships, especially because romance isn’t something that comes to him naturally. But he is a great communicator and makes sure his S/O know that they are loved.

Kakashi: he’s a bit emotionally constipated. And communicating with his partner is definitely and area where he falls short. He can be distant, and may disappear for a time when feeling overwhelmed. Though he’d never cheat on his partner, his habit of self isolating can fill a partner with doubts. Dating Kakashi takes work, and lots of time. But when he finally lets his walls down the relationship flourishes.

Shikamaru: he’s lazy and low maintenance. If that’s not your cup of tea, then Shika isn’t for you. He is well attuned enough to know when he fucked up and isn’t beneath apologizing though, so relationships are relatively fight free.

Genma: listen, baby, he’s a hoe. I know, I love him too. But unless he’s really in love, he’s gonna play you. Now if he’s fully committed, he’s a great partner; but his partner may find it a struggle to trust him given his… history.

Kiba: he’s hard to tie down because he does enjoy his hoe life. Because of this he’s relatively inexperienced with relationships and it shows. He gradually gets better with age.

Kankuro: he’s a hoe.

Sasuke: idc what his stans think, thru the entirety of the series he has shown no qualities associated with being a good partner. He’s distant, very rarely affirms his partner of his feelings, and he’s emotionally conatipated. Controversial opinion, but he might be the cheating type 👀

Orochimaru: listen bb, he only had one priority. And that’s himself. He’s probably just keeping you around for the devotion. And maybe an experiment, but it’s highly unlikely he’s genuinely concerned for your happiness or safety.

Kabuto: listen he’s probably just using u as an experiment. Leave baby, before it’s too late.

[whereisnardo]

Hetalia rated as boyfriends best to worst:

Germany-hes doting, but still serious. A good communicator. His SO lucked out. He’s not good at romance, but he tries. And he gets better. Not to mention he’s incredibly loyal to the one who holds his heart.

Japan: If you ever get to the stage with Kiki, he’s a great partner. Level headed and responsible, though he isn’t to keen on gift giving and will often just get stuff you need.

Prussia: listen once y’all get past his insecurities and build a solid relationship, he is a dream boyfriend. Is prone to feelings of unworthiness though, so he needs a partner that can reassure him.

Lovino: Once you get over the first couple of months, and he finally trusts you, he’s a Perfect Partner™️. He’s doting, romantic, and he can cook!! Anything for his SO! He, like Gil, is prone to insecurity though. So he needs reassurance from his partner.

China: he has plenty of life experience and he’s a great communicator. He’s also down to earth and loyal to his partner. He’s had plenty of time and learned communication is key to successful endeavors. The only downfall is he fails in the romance category. He makes up for it by providing an incredibly healthy and stable environment for his partner.

America: he can be immature and that can take a toll on a partner. But he’s incredibly loyal, and does his best to keep the romance alive. Not all of his plans are well executed, but he always puts in his best effort. He can tend to be clingy, while also not understanding a clingy partner. But once he’s in it, he’s committed. Very doting.

Sweden: he’s upfront and honest, however is also a bit of a cynic. This can make dating him difficult. He’s also not great at talking about his feelings, and doesn’t do well with romance. But he does communicate with his partner well after enough time has passed and he’s settled into the role.

England: more mature than America, but arguably more emotionally constipated. Arthur has a habit of sabotaging his own relationships. And even though he’s in love, he struggles to verbalize his feelings. Often leaving his partner at a loss.

France: He loves to love, and he loves to be loved. He’s a doting partner and full of romance. However his relationships tend to be the flash in a pan type, and he gets bored before inevitably moving on to someone new. It’s fun while it lasts.

Switzerland: he’s just not a great bf okay?? He’s crotchety, and he won’t so much as buy you a chocolate. Not that money is everything but when there isn’t give and take in a relationship it leaves one party feeling used. He also doesn’t make his SO feel particularly wanted.

Italy: He’s charming and sweet but good fkn lord does this man cheat. It’s like lovino got all the loyal genes and Italy was left with all of Grandpa Rome’s hoe genetics. Do not date.

Spain: listen. Tony is a hoe. Baby he’s lying to you, leave that man. You know what Spain rhymes with? Pain. Yeah I said it.

Greece: He’s a lazy hoe. At least Tony puts in some effort and romance.

[whereisnardo]

why is this my most popular post

Naruto Characters in a Horror Movie

Dies First: Choji, Tobi, Shizune, Izumo

Fully armed (still dies): Tenten, Asuma, Kisame, Genma, Rasa, Kushina, Kiba, Killer Bee

Dies because they tried to save everyone (in vain): Shisui, Naruto, Yahiko, Minato, Rock Lee

Sacrificial Virgin: Sai, Gaara, Sakura, Rin, Nagato, Neji

Dies because they were having sex: Jiraiya, Deidara, Kankuro, Kotetsu, Hidan

Trips and dies: Ino, Hashirama, Tsunade (those damn shoes...)

Tries to warn everyone to stay together: Temari, Iruka, Kakashi, Raido, Aoba, Kurenai, Hinata, Might Gai

Wanders off from the group alone: Sasori, Tobirama, Kakashi, Kakazu, Pein

Survivor(s): Temari, Shikamaru, Itachi, Konan, Aoba, Shino

Deduced who the killer was: Shikamaru, Itachi, Temari, Shino, Sakura, Minato, Tobirama, Kakashi

The villain/murder: Sasuke, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Hidan, Obito, Zetsu

Fakes their death: Kakashi

[whereisnardo]

uni is putting me on the verge of a mental breakdown so here’s the naruto cast as types of students

Itachi: studious, has assignments done early, organized, might know more about his subjects than the prof. Straight A’s.

Shisui: organized chaos. He gets everything done and turned in but—good lord—he has no idea how. Doesn’t procrastinate too much, works best under pressure. Leader of all group projects. A/A- average.

Naruto: massive procrastinator. Not a surprise, he still tries his best, but often puts assignments off until the night (or hour before they’re due). C Average.

Sasuke: tries to emulate Itachi, but can’t be as organized or ahead of the game. Still in the top 5% of his class, but that’s not enough for him. Often his stubbornness inhibits his ability to succeed. B+/A- average.

Sakura: Studious, organized, every teachers dream. She works hard to understand material because not all subjects come naturally to her. Works hard for her 4.0.

Deidara: a dumpster fire. Mass procrastination. Often doesn’t turn in assignments unless he deems them perfect—causes many late assignments. Stubborn. C+ average.

Kiba: Excels in classes he loves, can’t be assed to try in classes he isn’t interested in. Also procrastinates ALL THE TIME. Has cramming sessions with Naruto. C- average.

Hinata: less studious than her peers assume. Crushing expectations from family. Does not work well under pressure. Solid B average.

Neji: people think he’s naturally gifted, but he actually just does his readings. Not to say he isn’t smart, he’s just worked for it. Works better under pressure than Hinata. A average.

Rock Lee: tends to be lost the entire course but makes up for it in pure enthusiasm. He works hard to understand the material, but still falls short sometimes—not recognizing a break is just as important as learning. Gets a solid B/B+ average.

Kisame: doesn’t care much for school, is more into sports. Keeps his grades high enough to play but isnt interested in going above and beyond unless he really likes a subject. C-/C average.

Ino: naturally good at school but hides it for fear of looking like a nerd. More interested in boys than learning (she grows out of it later). A average.

Shino: good student, everyone’s go to for help since he’s usually just kinda quiet and not too standoffish. He studies occasionally, usually can just learn the material thru the homework. A student.

Choji: tries hard but there are some subjects he just can’t understand. That doesn’t deter him from trying tho. Seeks help when he needs it. B- average.

Shikamaru: the genius of his generation. Need I say more? But really, his grades suffer simply because he’s unmotivated and doesn’t turn in (or do) homework. Because of that his gpa suffers. Also a B-/B average.

[whereisnardo]

Renji: I would let you ruin my life.

Rukia: I'm busy ruining my own you'll have to wait.

[whereisnardo]

Naruto zodiacs based purely on the vibe they give off

Aries ♈️: Tsunade, Shizune, Kushina, Sakura

Taurus ♉️: Choji, Kakashi, Jiraiya, Ino, Temari, Kakazu

Gemini ♊️: Deidara, Sasuke

Cancer ♋️: Naruto, Tenten, Minato

Leo ♌️: Genma, Hidan, Yahiko

Virgo ♍️: Gai, Lee, Kisame

Libra ♎️: Asuma, Hashirama, Shisui, Konan

Scorpio ♏️: orochimaru, sasori, Madara

Sagittarius ♐️: Shikamaru, Itachi, Kurenai

Capricorn ♑️: Kiba, Kankuro

Aquarius ♒️: Tobirama, Kabuto, Neji

Pisces ♓️: Hinata, Iruka, Gaara, Nagato

[whereisnardo]

There’s only two otps here.

Reader x Nation

and

Nations x Therapy

exactly, all the other ships can go home.

[whereisnardo]

This is so sweet 🥺

Good morning/afternoon/night wherever you are! What would dating Prussia include?

Hello, Lovely~ This is a topic I wish I was an expert in, but alas a gal can only daydream. Hope you enjoy!

He's very much an early riser, always up before the sun. Depending on your own sleep schedule, he'll make breakfast, feed the pets, and, come winter, sometimes have the whole sidewalk shoveled before you're awake.

Despite his inability to sleep past 5 am, is is next to impossible for him to get to sleep any earlier than midnight.

Speaking of which, there may be nights when you'll have to coax him to bed. He gets caught up easily in books, paperwork, and writing, and sometimes he will forego sleep altogether by accident.

He's very meticulous when it comes to cleaning, and very mindful that everything is in its proper place.

You can't, for the life of you, figure out how his shirts always come out so soft when he uses the exact same cleaning products as you, not that you're complaining. It does annoy you though, and the fact he knows it annoys you somehow makes the whole thing even worse.

He'll sometimes intentionally drive like a maniac just to annoy you.

His feet are usually cold to the touch, much to your chagrin. Your annoyance, naturally, stems from his overly irritating habit to shove them against your back when you're laying in bed. "You're so warm, Schaz~" "I will find a way to murder you. Brutally."

Honestly one of his favourite pastimes is annoying you. He absolutely thrives off of that one specific expression you make every time he does.

Even if you've been together for ages, he can still be ridiculously timid when it comes to showing affection in public. In private, he has no reservations whatsoever.

He tries his hardest to plan dates that you'll enjoy, even if it's something that he's never really tried himself before.

Personally, he'd rather quieter dates, allowing more time for just the two of you. His preference is more in some of maybe your more frequent haunts, museums, or exploring a new park.

It's very important to him that your main circles can sort of mesh together, and he made sure that within the first month or so of being "official" to at least sort of introduce himself to your closest friends and family, and make sure you were introduced to... essentially everyone. (Felice, bless his heart, can't always tell what's supposed to stay a secret.)

He was, surprisingly, more nervous about introducing you to his group than he was meeting yours.

He was a bit self-conscious really, caught somewhere between this weird dread and jealousy that somehow Tonio or Francy would steal you away from him versus the abject horror upon reaching the realization that Køhler and Kirkland would take absolute delight in regaling you with stories of all the embarrassing shit he's ever done.

Oddly enough, he was only excited when it had come to introducing you to Friedy and Ludbug, though that excitement was mildly diminished when Ludvig, in all seriousness, offered you his sympathies, only for a rare grin to break out on the youngest Beilschmidt's face when you played along with the teasing.

When it came to meeting your family, he unintentionally reverted back to his more courtly mannerisms, only relaxing when you squeezed his hand and whispered some joke in his ear that had him bark in laughter, much to his embarrassment and your delighted cackling.

He would never admit it, but he has a journal dedicated especially to the things you did that made him smile. It's filling up quickly.

It was a bit of a gradual fall into your relationship, but still a relatively fast one. It only took about a week or so for you two to want more than the half-whispered debates about movies while sitting on a bench waiting for your respective busses, both of you gradually realizing that you were enjoying the bond forming between you.

Frankly, he would have been completely fine with just friendship, back then.

Now, he couldn't imagine how he could cope with anything less than this- both of you on the floor beneath a haphazardly made blanket fort, some anime he can't pronounce paused on your tablet as you doze off on his lap, mumbling something about peaches and zebras.

That'll be going in the journal, too.

Thank you so much for the ask, Lovely~

[whereisnardo]

Hetalia Characters as infomercials

China: LifeAlert—we all know why.

America: George Foreman Grill—what’s better than burgers?

Other options:

Oxiclean—he has the gusto

Magic Bullet—emphasis on bullet

Shake Weight/Nutrisystem—he’s unhealthy and wants to change but with minimal effort.

Prussia: Shamwow—it’s a meme, Gil loves memes. And who else can match that energy?

N. Italy: Chia Pet—cute and almost useless.

Belarus: One of those knife sharpeners—it’s very in her lane, and she has a use for it.

Germany: Flex Seal/Tape—he just wants to fix everything man, physical and emotional. He’s almost always the tape holding things together.

Romano: Total gym—he’s not buff, but he wants to be.

Russia: The clapper—he genuinely loves its concept and he’s innocent looking enough it endears people to buy it.

Spain: Scrub Daddy—it’s an effective tool and it has daddy in the name 😏

Canada: Snuggie—it’s cold up north, and it’s arguably one of the more practical on the list.

England: Magic Bullet—emphasis on magic.

Japan: Slap Chop—it can be handy, but it’s also a way to let out pent up aggression.

[whereisnardo]

✨Naruto Characters as Luxury Brands ✨

Naruto: Gucci—kind of basic, lots of hype, most obvious choice

Sasuke: Versace—slightly less basic than Gucci, arguably their most obvious rival, more low key than Gucci but still just as obvious.

Itachi: Rolex—well known, popular, timeless.

Shisui: Balenciaga—they can still be kinda goofy (the shoes??), and we know Shisui can be a bit of a clown and he’s definitely a little bit of a hype beast. Not as classy as Itachi.

Kiba: Supreme—is this even luxury?? It’s lowkey, and not very sophisticated or high brow.

Temari: Hermès—beautiful, yet understated. Not as in your face as some other brands, but still classy.

Genma: Burberry—practical, elegant, not to flashy or obvious.

Kankuro: Off-white—again, is this even luxury? Does hype beast really count as luxury clothing.

Sasori: Prada—pretentious and they know it.

Deidara: Valentino—also pretentious, but perhaps a smidgen less

Hinata: Chanel—classy, feminine, timeless.

Ino: Dior—Chanel, but on steroids.

Kushina: Le Creuset—listen luxury clothes are okay, but have you ever had beautiful, luxury cookware?

Minato: Hugo Boss—it’s simple and elegant, nothing to crazy.

Kakashi: Shun—like Kushina, have you ever had really good quality knives? Who needs clothes!

Tsunade: Dom Pérignon—would you expect anything less?

Sakura: Givenchy—it’s in the middle of the pack, somewhat well known, but not as hype as Gucci. Clothes can be more lowkey.

Jiraiya: Calvin Klein—more sophisticated, but still has the potential to look young. Not as luxury as some other brands, but still pricey. And they sell underwear ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ)

Orochimaru: YSL—they think their above Gucci, but a lot of the designs are ugly and their fan base is just as ridiculous.

Gai & Rock Lee: Nike—what do you mean it isn’t luxury?

Kisame: Fendi—it can be a little basic, and it’s rather well know. The clothes are just alright and tend to be overshadowed by other brands.

Kabuto: Yeezy—we all know this brand is for posers.

Konan: Cartier—a classic, beautiful and never out of style.