wheresmyspine

[wheresmyspine]

i got dicked the fuck down last night to going under by evanescence.

this man pulled up to my house in his crocs, blasting halsey talking about “oh the set list is the perfect length to drive here”

what world am i living in

[wheresmyspine]

neat little boxes

seasons are changing

i won’t be changing

i’ve done enough of that

i’ll love all the reaping

after all i sewed all the seeds

i’ve molded and trimmed

shaped and pulled thin

i spread out every bit of my soul

taken a good hard shameful look

and stuffed it all back in

i’m sure i forgot some pieces

left them on the floor

to trip over later

see that’s the thing about time

you do get enough of it

too much of it i’m started to believe

i can see so much ahead of me

probably more if i get up off my knees

stop punching myself

black and blue

poking at the bruise

trying to find the truth

i won’t, don’t get excited

looking beyond the beaten path

isn’t something i’ll do but i’ll make note

i’ll write down all the advice

every should have or could have

not to guide me or make me think twice

rather stifle all the suggestions

all the “ you just gotta keep up the fight”

i’m tired

my bones

my shoulders

my fucking spine

it’s riddled with memories

growing and settling in any space they can find

i wish i could rip it out

clean it and give it a good shine

mail it first class

completely deconstructed

just the way you left my mind

i’m sure you’ll feel proud

when you see what you’ve done

mount it above your bed

no one will judge you as you show off your prize

see, when you can fit in a box

it’s so easy to take yourself apart

leave behind what doesn’t matter

even if it’s the good parts

i’m sure i left them somewhere

dropped on your bedroom floor

must’ve fallen out my mouth

i’m sure you remember

i wanna know what you recall

take a trip through all your memories

did they imprint themselves inside your mind the same way they did mine?

do you even think about it?

catch my scent from time to time?

does it turn your stomach?

even a defeated sigh?

i’ve got so many questions

none of them are why

heard you did the same with her

glad to know it wasn’t personal

i never wondered

i could see it right there in your eyes

it was all you

so flashy with your threats

steady with the follow through

there was never a me or an us

just you

so fucking much you

so much you it made me choke

oh wait no, that was just your body weight

crushing my chest

fracturing my chance

at ever having peace of mind

[wheresmyspine]

icky feelings

this feels sticky and deep

like if i fall into all this ill never see my feet

i’ll loose my limbs

just like before

but this time i’ll grown new ones

not in place of mine

but separate from my body

swearing to do no harm

seems like i gobble up “good intentions”

just to sit and cry

punch myself till i see stars

“youre so much prettier when you cry”

its always ringing in my mind

[wheresmyspine]

countdown to geography of wounds

from W-A-N-T by k.c cramm

[wheresmyspine]

I remember every single lesson you taught me

how to make myself small to be a reflection of you

how to shrink myself down until I fit in your palm

showing me off but never letting me stand too tall

you taught what love is

by showing me the opposite

taught me about trust

and the lack of it

still sits heavy on my chest

don’t worry, I remember so much more

should I tell them how much you talked about me

to your “friends”

how you can change your face

disguising like a chameleon

better yet a wolf in sheep skin

make a note

future “too good too be trues”

you can always tell when there’s a sudden new “interest”

hyper-fixation

probably thought it was you

[wheresmyspine]

I’m the dog at the end of your bed

Whimpering for attention

Whimpering for a sliver of your precious time

I understand I’m yours, yet you don’t feel like you’re mine

I’m the dog waiting patiently on your couch

You said you would be quick but it’s been hours since you left the house

I fear you may never come back, you always threaten me with that

I’ll sit for you nice and pretty, obey your every command so I can feel the kindness of your calloused hands

I’m the dog snarling and showing my rotted teeth

Protecting you endlessly

Yet, you don’t take care of me

You state you love me but meet the bare minimum of my needs

I’m the dog chained up in your backyard

The January snow has left me cold and I worry I won’t live to see the summer glow

I hear the female guests pull up to the house, of course you locked me out

So I will continue to whine and scratch at the back door

I’m the dog you hate to look at

My fur is matted and patched from the places you’ve inflicted intentional pain

I promise I am trying to be good

I don’t mean to scratch you with my sharp claws

I don’t mean to invade your space when you want me gone

[wheresmyspine]

don’t know how you did it

looked at just the right time

caught my light from 3000 miles away

connection undeniably instant

a click in my brain

a flip in my stomach

your hand on the small of my back

nearly impossible to resist

you’ll say it’s pattern recognition

the way you know so much

i say it’s magic

the ease between us

rose red cheeks

must be something about you

feeling shy

go ahead

ask me what i’m thinking

three words dancing around my mind

nervous system

fingers

your veins and mine

bed sheets

lifetimes

i love yous

all intertwined

[wheresmyspine]

falling so hard

i’m crashing

leaking out of me

can no longer dilute it

i love you

sounds simple to say

this love i never thought suited

the kind that creeped on me

moved in rather slow

no grand gestures

never trying to put on show

i could quote all the movies

read all the books

nothing would ever capture this feeling

the one where you just know

no second guessing

apprehension all personal

you slide in to every open space

fill it with light

i’ll say it again

it just feels right

i love you

[wheresmyspine]

everyone is saying

“take time to process”

but absence is something that lives in me

known her since i was a kid

infected her sorrow

and never left

trying to “process”

okay how bout this?

do you lose something you never really had?

or grieve what was given?

taking “time”

that’s bullshit

been praying this prayer since i was 5

over and over in my head

3 times every night before bed

death

absence

loss

grief

everything in between

they’re all part of my body

shows in my face

my back

my knees

don’t you see in my eyes

i’ve no space left

try to fit it all between my ribs

there’s never anytime

to “process”

[wheresmyspine]

halsey just wrote “my body carries sadness that my brain cannot yet see, and i’ve been holding onto memories in my stomach and my teeth, and my shoulders have been burdened by the weight of my mistakes, and everytime you lean in closer both my knees can’t help but shake” and i’m just supposed to be normal about it?????

[wheresmyspine]

Silicone Mold

My bones do not curve

to the shape you imagined,

not bending

to the mold you once fit.

into something foreign

i have grown

twisting,

shifting,

something you wouldnt claim.

my flesh,

a fractured mirror

reflects a version

of you

now gone

warped

by dagger words

[wheresmyspine]

i wonder all the time

what gets you going, baby?

i’m practically dripping

don’t you wanna tell me?

what do you think about when you think about me?

do you think about me in the shower?

on my knees?

evident by now i’m eager to please

you’ve got my imagination running

fantasies and bliss

burning thighs and lonely hips

waiting and waiting

a craving for something i’ve never had

on the tip on my tongue

tucked behind impatient lips

[wheresmyspine]

good bones

potential

scent of safety

nesting is needed

not quite yet home

a shed for apprehension

a place to store assumption

preemptive dread

boxes taped shut

piled high

never to be touched

tucked away safely

heavy steel door

lock and key

a bookcase with romantic inflection

notebooks scribbled with passion

nervous questions

each shelf lined with intention

desire and compassion

figurative trinkets

great love stories

flowers for vases

fingerprints in the dust

candle scented with an unlit flame

a quilt stitched with understanding

empty squares

patterns of admiration

unconditionality

space for all the memories

a room full of light

big windows

stained with the sweet everythings

shadows waiting to dance on the walls

primed with intrigue

painted with conformation

hallways and staircases

humming with cautious steps

spattered golden frames

weaving the path of becoming

a guide for this unbuilt home

[wheresmyspine]

TRYING TO LOVE YOU THROUGH AN OPEN WOUND CAUSE EVERYTHING I PUT INSIDE THERE JUST FELL RIGHT THROUGH. if you even care

[wheresmyspine]

rhyming is easy, change is not

learn from this

flip it around

see it positively

i can grow from this

twist it up

into something pretty

change the view

start over

somewhere new

the future

not something to run from

but run to

lean on my own shoulders

wipe the tears

confront the fears

pretending i’m afraid of losing

i’ve never had a winners fate

i could make this my new motto

“loss is gain”

“the only way out is through”

“love is pain”

write each one on a post-it

not for affirmation

false reconciliation

assurance for a bad day

thumbtacked to my brain

a poke for refrain

[wheresmyspine]

bare bones

unsure of what to say

still all the words pour out

strip me down to my bones

my flesh i can do without

slip the stitches from my skull

memorize the ins and outs

detach my veins to make a necklace

they’ll sit just inches from your mouth

devour me whole

or save me for later

i don’t mind, either way

[wheresmyspine]

beyond the horizon line

you didn’t pick the lock

or look for the spare key

you didn’t even ring the doorbell

knock knock knock

3 soft blows right to the head

the door was open

you walked right in

if you’d like to stay awhile

i’ll brew some tea for two

share a scone

slip off your shoes

please walk softly

glance around the room

scan the shelves and all the corners

take in the aroma

jasmine

honey

flowers just bloomed

make yourself comfortable

we’ve got all afternoon