witheringnostalgia

[witheringnostalgia]

Trying not to be annoying by asking every morning after I get into work if you actually love me or not because my personality disorder tells me if you aren’t in my line of sight you don’t actually exist anymore. Am I doing a good job. Tellme yes

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You love me, don’t you? I know you do! You say it all the time. Anytime I ask, you say that you do. I’m probably so annoying, aren’t I? Asking you all the time? But I just — I need to be constantly reassured, because when you aren’t around I go convincing myself that you don’t really love me. It’s stupid, isn’t it? I’ve never been the smartest. But I need to be told, I need you to tell me that you love me and that you need me and that you’d do anything for me because I’d do anything for you and that you’d never ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER. Leave me. Never. Not in million years, not in a trillion years, not even when the sun explodes because we’ll still be together in the afterlife. Can’t you see just how much I adore you? How much I need you? I need you to say you love me, and that you’d never leave me, and I need to feel like you mean it, because there’s this empty hole in my heart and it’s only ever filled when you’re near me. You’d never leave, right? You’d never leave. You wouldn’t even dream of it, right? Right? Say so. Tell me so. Say it like you mean it. Please.

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I wish you never met me. I think your life would've been so much better.

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Ironically. With how we started Testosterone. Out of our three biggest vices (drinking, smoking, and cutting) I think cutting is the healthiest option of the three right now… because smoking on T can cause blood clots. And Alcohol can lower T levels. Hm

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"you are my world" but in a bad toxic yaoi way

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I don’t think “gift giving” is actually my love language, I just think that I tend to usually be under the impression that buying people’s affection is usually the way to get them to like me. So if I ever feel like I need someone to like me more or that I’ve done something wrong I’ll buy something for that person. And it always works! All the time! So. You know. I guess I’m not that far off.

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I went on an adventure today to return a pillow to IKEA with my coworker Astrid.

We were having a nice day and got stuck in traffic coming home. On the way her phone rang and she was driving so she declined the call with a sigh. “I feel so bad for him,” she said.

“You know that number?”

She did. It turns out her phone number had previously belonged to a woman named Serena. The man calling was her dad. He had Alzheimer’s and didn’t remember his daughter was dead, so he just called the number he knew was hers.

I was stricken to hear this. “Do you talk to him?”

“Yeah. Sometimes he thinks I’m her and we talk. I have a notebook with facts I’ve learned about her so I can connect with him better. Sometimes he knows I’m not her and I say I’m her friend.”

I struggled with the beauty and humanity of this for a moment. “What’s his name?”

“I don’t know; I just call him Dad.”

We sat in silence and I was overwhelmed with feelings. That she was so kind and thoughtful about this random connection. A man who called and spoke to her with love for the daughter he missed.

"One time," she added, "he called me just after I had a difficult day with my mom. I knew Serena and her mom had a rocky relationship so I talked to him about my frustrations with my own mother and he gave the following advice: ‘Everyone fails sometimes, even parents; what's important is to communicate with our loved ones, even when it's difficult.’

“I have never forgotten that advice and it healed a portion of my heart."

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Actually how the fuck people get anons and attention. How. What am I doing wrong. Am I not worthy of attention? Am I not worthy of love? I should kill myself right??

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[witheringnostalgia]

GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION

GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME ATTENTION GIVE ME AT

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Bpd culture is being self critical but disguising it as self awareness. Like I have no idea when im actually in the wrong so I just always assume I am

.

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let me nuzzle my face into your neck please.

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beat me, kick me, hurt me, and i'd still come crawling back to you like a pathetic dog

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i try so hard not to scare anyone, i really do. i bite my tongue until it bleeds. do you know how many times i've almost said something i shouldn't?

i hold it all in. the thoughts, the heat, the need. i pretend to be normal. digestible. soft enough not to make you run.

and yet, i see the way you look at me now. like i'm sick. like i'm disgusting.

maybe this is your warning. maybe this is me breaking the silence. maybe i'm tired of pretending, tired of caging myself just so you'll keep pretending i'm not a monster.

you think i'm disgusting?

you have no idea what i've kept buried inside.

[witheringnostalgia]

i yearn for toxic codependency, mutual obsession. i want you to crave me as bad as i crave you. i want to be yours forever and for you to be mine and only mine, you'll never be anyone elses and i'll never belong to anyone the way i do to you <3