wordsofahopelessdreamer

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

NaNoWriMo Note.

This year, I set my bar incredibly low for NaNoWriMo (250 words a day). Which is fine. Last year I tried so hard to complete NaNoWriMo then with a mix of personal issues, severe depression and being surrounded by people who hindered me instead of help me about aid issues, I just gave up.

But this year I'm back. Working on the same project. Using my past experiences and issues to fuel the fire to this project and it's back with a vengeance.

The past year I've learned that you aren't everyone's cup of tea and there is no way that you can focus on making everyone around you happy and keep yourself above ground too. You shouldn't have to sacrifice parts of you for others to feel better about themselves.

So. My NaNoWriMo project is dedicated to not only to myself for my personal growth but also to all of you who struggle, who don't think they are good enough. Those who can't seem to get a spark of inspiration and those who feel so beaten down by all the outside forces fighting against them. Just keep fighting for yourself. Do what you love no matter what. Forget those who hold you down or back.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

Falling for Him and I Just Met Him

Hey, guys, I decided that I am also going to post my fanfics here as well because, well, I can. 

Pairing : Shinsou Hitoshi and Ichigo Kira (OC) 

Fandom: My Hero 

Words : 750

Sitting on top of my desk and listening to Jiro's rambles about finally getting a new dart board for her room held half of my attention as everyone got ready to leave for the day. With my bag already packed and full with the homework assigned for the next few nights, I was looking forward to a nap before beginning any form of productive work on assignments.  

I heard a commotion from the door of the classroom to see a familiar poof of blond and the three musketeers and looked towards the door of the classroom to see who was speaking to Bakugo without fear. A guy with soft looking, floofy lilac hair and matching tired eyes stared at the blond with nothing but exhausted determination in his face. I leaned back on the desk a little further to get a better look at the guy who was speaking. 

"Gotta say, I'm a little disappointed if this is what you're offering," said the tall, purple and not bad looking from the front of the group, scratching the back of his neck. "Those of us who didn't make the hero course are stuck in General Studies and other tracks. There are a few of us, did you know that?" 

He went on with his monologue about declaring war or whatever against us at the Sports Festival in a few days and I rolled my eyes at the dramatic display. I gave Jiro a look, trying to convey just how exhausted by the situation I was, from only hearing it. Wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep on the couch that was calling my name, when I moved my hand back a little too far and past the edge of my desk. 

One second, I was sitting on my desk paying more attention to my own thoughts about sleep and inner monologue, ignoring whatever Bakugo and the purple people eater were talking about, then the next I was, gracefully, laying on the ground, papers falling from the desk to land on or beside me, legs tangled in the desk and chair that came down with me. Grateful that I wore shorts under my uniform as Pervy the dwarf, tried to catch a glimpse under my skirt. Asui hit him for me as Sero took a step in front of him. 

I heard a few gasps, a sigh and a verbal roll of the eyes probably from Bakugo, himself. 

"Kira!" Kirishima was beside me, concern clouded in his eyes. I just started laughing. Clutching sides, still tangled in the mess I cause. Jiro and Kaminari joined in on the laughter, doubling down. 

I heard Bakugo leave the classroom by the faint "Who does he think he is" and even fainter murmurs of "what an ass" from the crowd outside the room as they began to disperse. 

"I'll be fine," I waved everyone around me away as I tried to get up, moving my black hair from in front of my face. "Stop your worrying." 

Everyone took steps back, some followed Bakugo out of the classroom. I untangled my legs from the chaos caused and began picking up papers from around me, kind of thankful it was my desk that I fell off of. I gathered everything in my hands and started to get up, when I looked up to see a hand in my face that I followed up to a pair of amethyst eyes and matching hair. 

"Here," he said, tone gruff. I grabbed at his hand to help myself up then fixed the desk and chair that was my collateral damage, a pile of papers being slapped on top of the desk. 

"Thanks," I stuck my hand out between us. "Ichigo Kira."

"Shinsou Hitoshi." He clasped my hand and chills ran up my arm, our eyes catching each other. When I let go, my hand went to the strap around my bag, while his hands went into the pockets of his uniform. 

I went to walk around him and turned around as I got closer to the door. 

"See ya at the finish line," I said with a wink. 

"Yeah, maybe you won't fall next time." 

I huffed and turned back around with a smirk and blush running up my face.

"Come on, Kira," Kirishima yelled, already out in the hallway with Mina, Jiro and Kaminari. 

"Yeah, you need to get home before you fall for someone else," Jiro added, mischief covering her face as blush covered my own.

"Shut up," I grumbled. I heard chuckles following me and those chuckles followed me around until I was home and comfy on the couch filling my daydreams.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

ANSEL MY SWEET SUMMER BOI. Honestly I am so mad at myself because I left my book at work and did not have time to read over the weekend. BUT EXCUSE ME WHILE I KINDLY FAN-GIRL OVER THE ROOFTOP SCENE. Dang. 

Can I also please have Coco as my ride or die bitch, please. 

So I'm just gonna leave my thread of reactions to Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin because why not?

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

The prince gives me Playboy to domesticated vibes

So I'm just gonna leave my thread of reactions to Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin because why not?

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

So far I'm just in aw of the characters. Lou is like an Aelin with absolutely no control, I would even say more Chaotic than anything. Reid is just a precious cinnamon bun who just doesn't know what to do with someone going against the status quo whenever Lou has a chance? Also Coco is the Ride or Die bitch everyone needs in their life. I'm also very interested in Bas as a character.

Also I really love the whole aesthetic of the book.

So I'm just gonna leave my thread of reactions to Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin because why not?

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

So I'm just gonna leave my thread of reactions to Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin because why not?

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

I was shocked when I realized this 😳

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

Bye

There is a sadness that rushes through my veins that once didn't exist. I know it's because of you. I know you're now the cause of my tears and pain. And I know I can't let you know any of this because it would hurt you and I won't let you be in pain because you are finally happy. 

But you're a dick. A rude asshole who acts like I no longer exist. A fucker who doesn't take any responsibility. An absolute cunt who hurts me more and more each day when you only notice me because of the others. A piece of shit who once told me that nothing between us would change. And that was the biggest lie you ever told me.

What happened to when you said you love me? Remember when you asked me to be yours? Why did your feelings change so quickly? Is it because of your shadow? Is it? Is it because you were just using me until you got what you wanted from her? Is that it? I was just some summer fling to you? 

How am I supposed to take this if not personally? How am I supposed to keep a strong front when I know I am losing one of my best friends? It seems to me like you don’t even try anymore. Not with our friendship or anything?

Should I have a funeral for this friendship that when from vibrant and strong to walls going up and with a strict immigration policy? 

What even are we anymore? 

Are we even Friends?

Or are we just friends?

Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like that though. I’m so done with your back and forth bullshit. I know what I got into, but I wasn’t so ready to lose you when you got what you wanted from her. I knew I was only second and disposable. But I thought that at the end of the day, we would always have our Friendship. Guess I was wrong. 

So what I’m trying to say is goodbye until you figure yourself out. I’m not going to do it for you, that isn’t my job. That is your own problem. I’ll drop everything to help you, yet you won’t do the same.

I'm done with you until you get your head off your high horse. 

So have fun with your hand and fantasies.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

I'm Done Trying

Is this all we are now? Strangers sitting as far away as possible in the same room? People who won't spare a conversation between each other anymore? 

Are we not Friends anymore? Are we just strangers now? Nothing between us? 

What happened? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen in you that made you change? I don't feel like we talk anymore. Are we still Friends?  I just feel like we are two strangers in the same room who don't know how to talk like we once could. 

I don't like it. I want this to go away. 

But I'm tired. 

I'm tired of this being a one sided friendship. I'm tired of one sided conversations. Why won't you let me in? Are you scared? Are you indifferent? Do you just not care? What is it? Talk to me.

I'm done though. Done trying if you won't give any. I'm not going to push anymore. I'm not going to try any more. The ball is in your court. What are you going to do?

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

No More Care

He doesn't care for you anymore. He distances himself and manipulates the situation to make it seem like you are the one putting the distance. But it's not you. 

He will sit across the room as far away as possible when you two are the only ones home, he won't hug you anymore, rarely ever look at you anymore. 

You have to remember you didn't do anything wrong. You're not the one putting the distance between the two. You aren't the reason he won't talk to you anymore. It's him. 

He's the one who won't look at you for more than a second, who won't touch you, hug you, speak to you anymore.

Not you. 

You've done all you can. You've been there for him. You let him know you. But now the only person you have is yourself.

So chin up, beautiful. The only person you have that you can count on is yourself. 

So pick up that old, rusty armor. Be the stone cold bitch. Be better and stronger than you were. 

He isn't important until he tell you why he's really distancing himself. He isn't important until he stops lying to you. He isn't worth the pain, tears and anger. 

So be strong. Show him you don't need him. Be yourself. Be You.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

I Hate that I Miss You

To put it bluntly, I miss you. I don't just miss you and I in my bed, the stolen kisses, secret glances and prolonged touches, but I miss us, our friendship, understanding and comfort of us staying up till 3 am just talking about everything and nothing at all. 

I miss knowing that we told each other everything no matter what, no secrets, no lies. 

But now? Now there is a canyon so grand between us that it makes my heart beat in pain. You said no crying over you, but too late. You mean so much to me, but you only pay a hair of attention to me when I'm in pain. Not when I'm happy. Not when I'm content. But only when I'm in pain?

Why is that? 

What happened to us? 

I know I should have expected this, but we were more than that. Well at least I thought we were. 

Remember when we sat on the couch at 3am and you told me you love people for every part of their soul? Remember when you would come into my room when the world was too much and you were just too tired to hold the weight of the world on your shoulders? Remember when you didn't sit all the way across the room from me not saying a word to me unless someone else did first?

Remember when we cared for each other? Because I do. I look at those memories in fondness and happiness, but sometimes it brings a pain so deep, I can't describe. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I never had, really. 

All I ever ask of you is for you to be truly yourself, no lies, no masks, nothing more than you. But that’s all you give lately.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

Darkness

She was everything, yet nothing at all. She had everything she wanted, but lost it all in a second. She was the sunlight in some lives and the darkness in others. The darkness in her’s.

She thought herself a dark soul, someone unlovable, unreachable, weak, useless.

Few people came into her life and told her different, showed her her soul in the mirror of their own. Showed her how strong she is, how bright she can be, how loved she is able to be. They broke down her walls and conquered her heart. 

Then, like a flame to a candle, she lost all of it. People closed her out of their souls, stopped reaching for her, her light went out, no one needed her. 

She lost herself. Not knowing how to fix it. 

Then out of the darkness, a small flame appeared in the distance, small, but there. Flickering on and off, but giving her hope. 

The flame belonged to a writer, to someone with so many storms happening behind the eyes, he couldn't take them all on his own. Unable to calm them. He gave up on that a long time, his ghosts following him everywhere he went. Losing them just a dream to him. He saw himself as the fixer in people’s lives, but no one was there to help him, He believed himself to be all alone. Someone who had to fight his battles all by himself. 

One day he saw a flame in the distance, tiny, flickering, barely there. There but not, like that one lick of warmth on the coldest of days. He reached for it, pulling it closer until the world didn't seem so dark for either of them. 

They brought each other out of the darkness and storms that clouded their eyes. They could conquer their dreams together, nothing could stop them. Not when the writer and the dreamer were teamed up against the darkness.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

Monster

Who let this happen? Who let that Monster have them? Why let that Monster have them? 

He hurt me in ways only few others have by taking away what was left of my innocence. 

I had to grow up way too young and I still have to deal with the aftermath. 

People call me weak for having this reaction to the Monster. Saying that my part of the story doesn't matter because I'm just a girl calling for attention. Well they are mistaken. 

He took my innocence as he is taking my brothers away from me.

It's not fair.

They shouldn’t have to deal with this.

They should have a better life than I did.

The will be better than me, despite the influence of the Monster that lurks in their closet. I will make sure of that. I have to make sure of it.

I won’t let him hurt them like he did me. I won’t let them wake up one day and realize they never had a childhood. I won’t let that Monster live.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

Who fucking cares anymore?

Who fucking cares anymore? About me, you, him, her? Who cares? I'm playing my part and getting hurt in the process. I thought Life was supposed to be this grand thing, instead it's full of pain and dread. 

I wish I had life instructions to tell me what to do next. But I don't. I just have people who tell me that they care and that they love me, who give me advice on my life but they don’t really know. They say they love me like they know me. 

But do they? 

It seems like they don't. They just say the words that I want to hear. Just like everyone else. I'm only temporary. Only second. Only a draft of someone's final book. I'm not important. I never have been. Never will be.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

What Do I Do

I hate this. I hate this feeling. The feeling of wanting you but not being able to have you. I know it's selfish and stupid of me.

I just hate it. 

I feel like we are falling apart at the seams. Falling away from each other with no way back.

I hate it. 

I don't know what to do. 

Our hugs don't last as long, we don't touch in fear of being caught, nevermore do we kiss. 

I always have to instigate it. 

Do you regret it? Regret those few weeks where it was you and me and nothing could stop us? When you were so happy, your smile caught those storms in your eyes and tamed them? Do you regret any of it? I still don't. 

I hate how she has you, but doesn't appreciate it. I hate how your happiness is always sacrificed for her's. 

I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know when or why I let you into my head like this. 

I just know I hurt. And I don't know what to do.

[wordsofahopelessdreamer]

A Little About Me

Hey, readers. The Hopeless Dreamer here. I finally bit the bullet and decided to put my writings somewhere that not just my journal or my phone or for only one person to read when he wants. This is for all of you, I guess.

These are for the outcasts, the losers, the misunderstood, the people who don’t know they are loved and those who just want to find a place in the world but just don’t know how. 

Please give me feedback on anything you think I can improve on and let me know how you felt about pieces, just please don’t be a stranger. 

Keep kicking ass and taking names.