wordsthroughwilliam

[wordsthroughwilliam]

Stuck in a state of limerence, praying on holy deliverance. Wondering if, this weight in my chest is best left unsaid. I'm not trying to push you away, I just wanted to be apart of your day. I'm either too much or not enough, always the wrong shade. I'm looking at the shape that it takes, wondering about the waves that it makes. Can I transmute this hate and pain to create? It's another day in another year, another month and I'm longing for you dear.. I wish I had the words to say. For the transgressions of my sins they must be paid.

So I call this my penance. An unresolved acceptance. The days between us and unavoidable distance.

I'm stuck in a state of limerence..

[wordsthroughwilliam]

Wednesday, June 11th, 2025 It's moments like this I can feel your presence, reaching out across the void between us. I can hearing you calling out to me "My love please be strong for me. Don't leave me alone in this place.." and in that moment I feel a renewal of strength. That I can bear this weight for one more day. Though the ever present urge to rest my eyes for one last time persists, I will continue down this path of life that is unknown to me. Knowing at the end, I will find you waiting for me. Outstretched arms ready to embrace. A voice speaking softly to me saying "Thank you for being patient with me.." I will simply reply, "Always my love. Always."

[wordsthroughwilliam]

Thursday, June 5th 2025 In the silence I found you waiting for me. For a moment we had the chance to be together. I looked at you never wanting the moment to end. Of course it always does. I wake to the morning light reaching out through the blinds in my room, with the sounds of birds welcoming me out of my sleep. I couldn't help but feel limerence.. How disappointing it is.. I think to myself "Why do I care for those who don't care for me. Why do the ones who care about me not make a point to express it." Has my heart not been through enough? That I must continue to force myself through a dull existence. It's not that I don't find the beauty in life, on the contrary I'm overwhelmed by it. I can't help but think of you.. How you're not with me enjoying a cup of coffee, tucked away reading a book only able to hear you breathe and the occasional turning of a page, singing in the other room as you take care of chores, holding you when the world feels lonely and empty.. How can I truly enjoy the fullness of this moment without you? Have I not yearned and longed enough? I go to my favorite café where I sit and write, looking through the storefront windows sipping coffee I look for you. Wondering if somehow you know I'm waiting.. Searching in every stranger that passes for that familiarity that says "Oh it's you!". It dawns on me, an overpowering understanding. In that moment clarity finds me. You must be at your favorite bookstore or your favorite café looking for me. Waiting to see if I walk in and notice you. How do I find that special place? How do I get to that special moment where our eyes meet and we share that moment of familiarity? How many roads will I drive to find you? How many planes must I take to get to you? Do you understand how little distance means to me. That all that matters to me is being with you in this world. Sharing every moment I can with you. Laughing and smiling over every silly thing we say. I look for clues you may have left me, searching for meaning in the ordinary telling myself "She must have left a trail for me to follow. There must be more to this I'm not seeing." Yet I continue to fall short.. Years have passed and I feel as if I'm losing hope. Age now sets in on me, a thief that has stolen my youth. I tell myself you'd love me regardless but now I see the truth. What others find so easily, evades me endlessly. It must be what and who I am. Someone that only in his dreams is worthy of being loved by you.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

I thought to myself "I should be use to this pain. I should be able to let things go.." but for the life of me it seems I'm cursed. All I am is something to be used by others, nothing truly cares about me. I am alone in this world, I am alone with my thoughts, I am alone. I realize my pain is a reminder that all I'll ever be is the one that is left behind. Something that is always looked over. Now I no longer care, I'm just discarded scraps of a person. All have taken what they want from me, used me, tossed me aside when they had what they desired. Honestly, I can't blame them. I did this to myself... Maybe that's where the pain really comes from, that I never loved myself enough to protect myself from such devastation. How truly I've only failed myself time and time again by allowing such individuals in my life. I hope in my next life I can treat myself with the kindness I gave others. In this life, I was deemed not worthy. In this life, I'm just a stupid boy. One that only knows longing, yearning and disappointment. Why must gentleness never find me... Why does sincerity hide from me... There is nothing for me here.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

On the battleground known as love, my heart has been completely decimated. In the arena of friendship, my trust has been betrayed. In the dance of the duality of life and death, I am helpless.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

I never did mind when it rained, I always liked rainy days. I see how others rush to get out of it, covering themselves or keeping their heads down trying not to get wet. While I embrace the rain, looking up at the sky feeling the rain drops touch my skin. I think to myself "What a great feeling, is this what it means to be alive? How could someone not like the rain." It makes me feel accepted in some strange way, like the world is showing it feels the same way I do and that its not afraid to show it. That it's okay to let it all out, it's okay to let the tears fall from you, that it's a promise sunny days are ahead. I stand in the rain, showing the world I accept it even when it cries.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

I wake up to another day, haunted with feelings and lost connections. Meaning is lost to me. Try as much as I like, I can not make sense of it. Another day, another week, another month, another year. It slips through my fingers with only the feeling of what briefly was. The heaviness of my heart is all that I have. A reminder of the echo love leaves. Should I thank you for reminding me? That I'll never be whole. That in this life I was not enough... All you offer is excuses. So I must demand myself to realize, it was never love. You never cared about me, only yourself. For when it came time to rise to the call, you left my hand outreached for you and said "I can not." worried what others would think of us. Did you not realize I faced the same persecution? That I was willing to face that everyday for you. I suppose all I am is to be used by the likes of you. How the name of love continues to be tarnished by selfishness and how those who care must pay the consequences for others inability to put down their ego. Now the damage is done, my heart a tool used for your own desires. I remain someone who only knows the pain of loss and the growth that comes from it. May gentler hands find me.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

A soft admittance of what I am "I'm only human."

[wordsthroughwilliam]

It's taken me this long to realize that the feeling of love isn't the same as being loved.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

I will shed this skin again and again until I'm something completely new.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

Life is a filled void

Everything in between has meaning and value, only from perspectives that share that sentiment. We all see the world the same way through the lens we see life with. I find a stillness in the mundane noise that fills the silence in a room. For people like me, that's all we can see in the darkness. The radiance of others.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

She looked at me with concern in her eyes, speaking softly she asked "You're so distant today, is everything alright?". I stayed silent, composing my thoughts for a response. She could always read my face as easily as one of her novels, it's like I'm an open book to her and she scans every page for every detail of the story. I couldn't look her in the eyes because I knew I'd start crying if I did, I didn't want to worry her. Of course as if she could read my mind she speaks up, "You're fidgeting with your hands again, you only do that when you're nervous about something. What's wrong?" I hadn't even realized but she was right, she had learned one of my tells. There was no hiding it from her and at this point I could barely keep myself together. I took a deep breath mustering the strength to speak without my voice shaking, "I'm not really sure...I don't know what's wrong.." it felt like a lie to say that, but it was the truth. I wasn't sure how to respond or how to talk about it. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes at that point, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Everything had amounted and all at once everything came flooding from me. I felt guilty for crying, guilty for making someone worry about me, guilty for being who I am.. Tears now streaming down my face I try to speak but the words won't come out. I felt embarrassed to show my emotions, embarrassed to be seen like this.. I thought to myself "Why can't I just be normal, why can't I just be happy, why can't I just...." I feel her hands touch my face, so gently she moves me to look at her. Our eyes connect, tears now rolling down her cheeks.. "I love you, okay? I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. We will get though this together. You don't have to say anything." She had that look in her eyes she gets when she's serious about something and that smile she wears when she's being brave. Her hands softly creasing my beard, my ears, my hair.. She kisses me and for a moment I felt understood. Our foreheads touch and she holds me, in a calm quite voice she tells me "It's okay sweetheart, everything's okay.." and I believe her.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

4-28-25 I've been feeling something, like something is about to happen in life. It's been so long I've felt stuck in place or not able to make sense of what's going on around me. It's like a feeling of letting go, blind acceptance. Knowing what is meant for me will find me, that the life I'm meant to live is around me. I'm stepping into the fullest version of myself. I've been taking better care of myself, and giving myself the best chance I have to be who I'm meant to be. Eating healthy, working out, letting go of vices I no longer need and most importantly allowing myself to be myself. I don't need approval or recognition. I am loved and wanted, that is all I ever needed.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

4-24-25 You keep showing up in my dreams.. My sleep is restless. How am I suppose to continue to pretend I don't have these feelings? How am I suppose to just shut this off? If only I could just let this go. Detach myself from all of this. I am nothing but a fool. Foolish for allowing myself to give into my emotions. How could I truly believe I was worthy of someone like you. On the battleground that is love, I have been completely decimated.. Life continues to show me how little I matter. Something you really never get use to.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

How much more of this must I survive...

[wordsthroughwilliam]

4-17-25

For how often I have something to say it’s always when I try to slow down and write it out I’m at a complete loss for words. My thoughts constantly full, filled with noise. Flashes of memories and dreams running in my mind. Everything around me is moving so fast….

Sometimes I feel left behind, other times I feel like everything is happening the exact was it’s suppose to. I’m wondering if I’ll find what I’m looking for in this life. I believe I’m worthy of it… If that makes a difference. I guess I always thought things would be different than this, I thought at this point I would feel different… I thought I’d be happy. I learned my feelings and thoughts only matter as much as the meaning I give them, no one else can do that. I’m alone in this life, this empty place inside serves as a reminder of my worth.

That I will not accept less than I deserve.

[wordsthroughwilliam]

You said what you said and meant it, the look in your eyes told me how serious you were. Tears streaming down your cheeks, the words you spoke had fire in them. I had never seen you so angry... You once told me I could ask you anything, you said how I could always be honest with you. If that's so, do you think your anger makes me love you any less? Did you think I wouldn't accept all of you? I'm hurt you thought otherwise. I know how serious you are in these moments and I'm not trying to make light of that. I just can't help myself... This anger you show to me, how beautiful it is... Is that wrong of me to say.. It's just the look in your eyes, it's so powerful.. The way you're speaking, I truly believe you could command the dead to rise. I had never seen this side of you before. Your voice is shaking and you're standing firm in your beliefs. Your anger to me is a holy thing.

Accepting you is a choice I will always make, freely. Worthiness is not something found, but something innate. Freedom to me, is a life with you. When I finally leave the vessel that is my body I will bask in the radiant glow of the cosmos and dance among the stars.

Would you share that dance with me?