writtenbylei

[writtenbylei]

context: i was listening to Strangers by Ethel Cain after seeing a geto edit to it so randomly at night I started sobbing to satosugu and I wrote this short story that has the same depressed vibes as satosugu so enjoy

Trigger warning: mentions alcohol, nicotine, drugs, suicidal thoughts (?)

"And then I see him...being praised and cheered on, the light cascading down on him like some angel. And I was stuck in the shadows, bound by chains to my own personal hell. Realization and grief grip at my heart, tears threaten to fall from my tired eyes. When he looks at me, smile beaming, all I could offer is a tight-lipped smile. His eyes dim as he sees me walk away but I cannot bear to see his face fall, or hear his voice call out my name. And so I disappear. For days, I drown myself in nicotine and alcohol, hoping it would wash away my pain and love for him. It doesn't but it does numb the pain, mutes it so that I am able to go through the day with trying to kill myself. Sometimes, the alcohol takes me to sleep and to a place where I am haunted by his eyes, his smile, his hands. And my heart shatters into a million pieces. The way he lights up a room without trying just for it to be dimmed by my presence. When I wake up, my life flahes through my head, the countless days I spent crying myself to sleep, reaching for the medication that could numb my pain, just to throw them at the wall in a fit of rage and embarrassment. Finally, I get the courage to see him again. To try to bear the yearning that I know will be in his eyes. And I do see yearning, but also sadness, understanding, pity, and love. It also breaks me. He begs for me to stay with him, begs for us to find a way to help me. He promises to never leave me, to always understand me, to take care of me. But they fall onto deaf ears. My hearts races and roars in my ears, my chest aching and empty. He caresses my face, grabs my shoulders, lifts my face everytime it drops subconsciously. After rambling, tears fall down his porcelain cheeks and he presses his lips to mine. My heart cries for him, yearns for me to accept his love but I can't. I slowly peel his hands, his face, his love away from me. I can see the light it his eyes dim and shatter as I step back. He tries to grab for me but I stop him. His breathing falters and the tears pour and pour from his crystal eyes. His broken, shattered eyes. Eyes I would stare at for hours on end before he fell asleep and I would stare at his eyelids. Hurt and anger now fill those eyes, all those emotions directed to me. Once I am farther away, I give him the same tight-lipped smile I gave him all those months ago when he shone like an angel under all that blinding, loving light. I whisper goodbye. He opens his mouth to yell, to scream, but I turn away and walk toward the bleak rest of my life. I don't want him to see my face as tears slowly fall from my eyes, pattering on the floor. I could hear his screams and cries for me but I resist running to his safe arms, to his welcoming warmth. It's for the best for me to leave, so that his light never has to be dimmed by my haunting shadow."

Am I making you feel sick?

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If you are struggling with mental health, do not hesitate to ask for help. This is a real challenge that I also deal with and is not something to be taken lightly. Please talk to someone or seek help before it gets worse. Lots of love 🫶🏼