yapperyippee

[yapperyippee]

If i were to tattoo, over every square milimeter of my body, my name, would you respect it and myself then?

[yapperyippee]

"I dont know why boys have boobies. I guess they didnt want boys to feel left out!" My mom says to my niece when asking about my sister breastfeeding, and about how its embarrassing.

Gee mom. I dont know why boys have boobs either.

[yapperyippee]

My grip is weak

No

Lax

Purposely so.

[yapperyippee]

[yapperyippee]

My life now has no definition or meaning. It's all the same in the worst possible way. I have spent all my life working and dreaming of this moment, the one when I'd be able to be set free from school, and now i have achieved it. And now i have nothing to accomplish, no dreams i can feasibly pursue, not with how ill-discliplined i am. I have no backbone, no self-respect, no ambition or motivation. I have no partner to love or spend my days with. I have only one friend i chat with occasionally. How am i supposed to live like this? I am hollow in the sense that i am like a loving golem enchanted with the spell to do with no parameters on *what* to do. Like i am a puppet who has sought freedom and who has finally achieved its dreams of severing the strings that bound me, and now i am motionless. Alive, thinking, breathing, feeling, experiencing, but unmoving. Stagnant. I pass every day now as if i passed the ones when i was "trapped." I never thought I'd say this, but i wish i could go back. Back to the classes, the people, the assignments. The purposes, the reasons, the chatter, the environment. I cannot afford college in the sense of lacking both temporal and montary requirements, and i cannot function at an online school. I wish to start a garden and grow and sell produce. However, i require both a license to sell, a place to sell from, the money to produce the seeds, and the land to plant on. I have wasted away far too many days, and the days since i was "released" have been few. I have had stories and ambitions come to me like lightning in a storm and leave just as swiftly. I do not have a passion. I do not have anything I strive for. I have no one I strive for. I am purposeless, not in the sense that i do not want a purpose, but that a purpose has yet to find me, and ignite within me what i know to be dormant, an emotion that allows people to move mountains and drain oceans. An emotion that has laid dead deep within me for many, many years, its decaying corpse only sated by fleeting glimpses of the light of healthy and beneficial external stimulation. Short-lived, single digit clusters of glimpses come and pass once or twice a time every few years. But, years for me are but days and weeks to the average person. My sense of time is so dully warped, and has been as such for many years. I go through the emotions one must feel within a lifetime or two in every day or week that passes by me. I am not empty, for i have reasons and ambitions to live, but i am empty in the sense that these lofty ambitions are far too grand and far off to be any type of stimulating or motivating. I wish to be many things, a civil engineer, a farmer, an animator, a needle worker (in the capacities of knitting and crocheting), a carpenter, and a designer of clothes and games and items. But i can only be one or two. And i cannot be any, except a needle worker under the skillset and confines of a hobbyist. I wish for light again within my life. A person, a purpose, although both would be great, either or could supply the other in due time. Presently, however, i have neither. As i have probably stated innumerous times.

I would call these "symptoms" a side effect of depression, however, that is not the case. I cannot base my personality's flaws upon a disease, can i? This is not the emotionally devasting sense i get when i feel truly depressed. I do not feel that i have bottled up my current or recent past emotions, though i do have many far past ones i must sort through. And even then, i cannot, for the amount mental anguish and delirium i face when doing so forces me into a state of something similar to retardation and identity-altercation. I am heavily broken. And become even more so when attempting to look at the cracks within myself. I have no support group, nay but a singular friend who does not have the emotional capacity to carry me all my her lonesome. I would not dare to thrust that responsibility upon her bare single back either way. I have nary an i dea of who i am, or what my name is, or what gender i view myself as. I have nary an idea whom the others are residing silently with me within my head. I fear that they all may be me. That i am all them. And they they were never true, and that i used them as a scapegoat. That they do not truly exist, and that i am mearly looking at two and a half dozen mirrors with painted masks. But who all, disregarding myself, will truly believe when i state these things? Is there such a syndrome that causes one to believe that every word they speak of themselves feels divinely and ignorantly incorrect?

I am incorrigibly terrible, our Ruin at the helm.

[yapperyippee]

This was gunna be something i posted on reddit but i didnt feel like hearing the opinions of salty 30-year old neats defending their favorite harem slop.

So I've recently seen a comment on one of the many webcomics available online (whether through bato.to or knock-offs) and it pissed me off to a degree i never thought id be pissed off about, and it was critiquing the webcomic for being way too slow burn. The comment read "Its tooooooooooo slowburn that everything just feels like fillers. Its not fun anymore..."

The comment truly rubbed me the wrong way, and i wanted other peoples input on what the different between a "slow burn" and a "well paced" webcomic was, because this webcomic was obviously well paced, and not a slow burn. It didn't have outrageous sub plots that took up egregious amounts of time, it didnt change scenes every 7 panels and it wasn't at all a fast paced read. It was at the end of chapter 59 when i found that comment, and while it was indeed "slow" to get to where it was, it wasnt because it was a slow burn, it was because the author needed time to explain the story in a way that didnt feel hand fed, while also not starving the reader. In every chaoter something of note has taken place, been pointed out, has been notable, has changed, or has not changed and needed to. The characters in the story take their time throughout the chapters adapting to eachother, the new environment, and the plot while growing. We've all ready our fair share of webcomics that have that one batch of characters (if not the whole cast) that should have taken much longer to "cozy up" to the main lead, and become allies, but their arc was rushed because of how ill-paced the story was. And i see it in almost every single webcomic ive read here lately.

It all follows the pattern of lonesome lead -> lonesome lead tries to get friends -> friends are easily won over in a single digit matter of chapters.

Theres no substance to these characters, no personality for them to develope before or after the main lead "befriends" them and uses them for the plot. If the process of getting these characters on the main leads side were a story plot diagram, there would be no conflict or rising action! It would just be exposition and then climax. People are mistaking this webcomic for a slowburn when the author is taking their time to introduce you to the characters, let you get a decent understanding about them, before throwing the plot of the story at them and yelling "love eachother and be friends!" Or "hate and kill eachother!"

There is a difference between a detailed, well paced, webcomic that isnt in a rush and one that was adapted from a webnovel, is missing so many details and sub plots (we all know theres quite a few) that skip straight to the person the character is after the development and not actually showing the development. And people are confused the well paced, detailed, and developing webcomic for a slow burn. A slow burn is drawing out the plot of the story to edge the reader on before the climax, falling action, and resolution. And even if this is a slow burn, i think people need to realise that the webcomic industry is oversaturated with slop with half-captivating characters, a ill-fleshed out plot and story line with twists, changes, and sub-plots that are so predictable it makes Two and a half Men watch like Game of Thrones.

[yapperyippee]

(through gritted teeth) sometimes what's good for your mental health isn't another do nothing day or a little treat sometimes what's good for you is putting in some of the work. Not all of it at once but sometimes you have to finish that essay or at least take the next step or you have to clean your room or at least dust the shelves or you gotta do the laundry or at least put it all in the hamper and it's not fun and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks but you have to because i read a post on the internet that told me that's what being nice to yourself is sometimes

[yapperyippee]

Tw: sexual trauma mentioned, general abuse and trauma mentioned

All of the jealous rage in my body is screaming to just ask why everyone around me got to find their life's lover so young

And to ask why it feels like only i got assaulted and used and thrown away.

Why do you get to have love? Why do you get to have someone so nice, and so safe to be with, someone so true and genuine?

Why did i only get people who fucked me up and used me for their convenience? Why?

Why is it that i cant find the love you have? Why cant i have it too? What did i do to get what ive been given? What did i do differently from you to have people force themselves upon me or be manipulated as such?

Was it because i was poor? Was it because i was ugly? Was it because i was bullied? Was it because i was abused and yelled at and hit and assaulted at an even younger age? Is it because im so bitter? Is it because im so fucking upset and angry and sad because the one thing i want to have, the one thing i so desperately want, i cannot have? Not because i cant get it, but because no one wants to offer it to me? What am i doing wrong? Goddess, oh Paulus, someone, anyone, please just tell me what im doing wrong.

[yapperyippee]

I think someone somewhere with a lot of influence needs to talk about how there are some people who dont feel feminine or masculine and only feel objectified in that sense, and choose to transition because of it. I think someone somewhere with a lot of influence needs to talk about the people who fear or who feel too ugly or nonconforming to be their original sex, so they change it.

Is it so wrong? To become a man in the fear of seeing yourself in a pretty dress? To see that your body is so objectified and sexualized as a woman, is it so wrong to be scared? Scared enough to become a man? Is it so wrong to want to be something, be be so scared of being that something because of how ugly you feel and that it just doesnt feel right because of those people?

[yapperyippee]

I strongly believe the name Seraphim and the nickname Sera (especially the nickname) should be gender neutral. Including just Sarrah.

[yapperyippee]

Completely unrelated to the content of the video but when i clicked on it, an image of Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins popped up and it was like a small jump scare.

Bill Braun creates paintings that look like construction paper!

[yapperyippee]

Can't get the show on the road if the road is fucking broken

[yapperyippee]

Hoping for someone to name thier kid Peridot, Agate, Moldivite, Chalcedony, Citrine, Euclase (i think this one is already used as a name just very rarely), Garnet, Lapis, Lazuli, Lazulite, Marston (marble), Opalite, Saphire, Tanzanite, Topaz or Tormaline.

Wow that list was a lot longer than planned but thats okay

Fun fact: Lazuli is just an old word for azure or blue, and Lapis just means rock. Which menas if Lapis Lazuli is translated to modern language, its just called Blue/Azure Rock!

I think Jasper and Amber should both be gender-neutral names. Stop gendering rocks.

[yapperyippee]

Oh, Cephalopod?

What were your last thoughts?

Were they such sad thoughts?

Oh, Cephalopod?

Was it a bad day?

Was it a sad day?

Oh, Cephalopod?

Did you think you were safe?

Did you think you were okay?

Oh, Cephalopod,

Look at your cracked shell,

Your maddeningly sad shell,

Did you think you were safe?

Oh, Cephalopod?

Were your legs okay?

Were they slow that day?

Did you think you were safe?

Was that your last thought of the day?

Oh, Cephalopod

What were your last thoughts?

Were they such mad thoughts?

Your moved and you screamed

Your voice in dismay

Your legs aren't okay

Why did you think you were okay?

Oh, cephalopod

You are naught but a rock, today

So tell me, do please say

What were your last thoughts?

Were they sad thoughts?

Are you okay?

[yapperyippee]

Okay but are you safe enough for me to go "ok now i go night-night now" without you teasing me or making fun of me while also encouraging i go to sleep?

[yapperyippee]

Of course i only really talk about myself. Of course i do it a lot. Theres nothing else i really know well enough to talk about, let alone how to talk about those things.

And even if I did have things i knew well enough to talk for hours about, you wouldn't really care. And that's okay. Because I didn't really care to listen to the things you could have talked about for hours, either.

[yapperyippee]

I forget that other people have lives that exist beyond the scope theyve allowed me to see them through. I forget that other people have other people, like how i have numerous people by me. I forget they are all human. I forget they are all alive. I forgot that my actions had consequences depending on their interpretation. I forgot i am often wrong when it comes to interpretation and presentation. I forgot. It left me like the seasons changed. It left me like the short golden hour passed. Likd the clowds overhead. They swept through me, and i felt them whole heartedly, and just as they ceased their sensational assault upon my skin, i felt the wind, and like the wind, it blew the clouds gently and quickly from my mind. Faces, voices, texture, flavors, smells, music, light, events, everything. I forgot who i was, and built a persona, and forgot who i was building myself to be, and then restarted. I forgot just as bookshelves forget the dust during cleaning. I forgot, and the words "i forgot" simply do not convey the amount of emotion, trauma, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, depression, and delirium i face when i do forget.

I forget as if i am an ancient patient cursed with alzheimers disease.

If i were an illness, i would be dementia. Thats how i forgot. Because to me, i never forgot, i just never knew.