zorebi

[zorebi]

Pic Credit to Audra Auclair

Who do I long to be What if I fell asleep and let only my forehead see Where have I hidden shards inside of me When will the chaos cease How can I stay asleep

Who knows What will happen Where we’ve been When we’ll leave How will we ever really know

Who cries What for Where to When by Why now

Who ever told me that I was supposed to know everything What was I really protecting myself from Where have I refused to let myself go When has being comfortable ever gotten me what I want How can life surprise me if I actually control every aspect of it

[zorebi]

Day Two & Three: Release and Relief

Being Poly-ish

Finally able to release emotionally. Intense crying and a flood of bitter memories as an adolescent. A poorly timed, surprise introduction to my dad’s new girlfriend. Never an open conversation about dating - do as I say, not as I do. Other women trying to “care” because they were dating him. The overall emotional overwhelm as I tried to navigate my own teen dating life with confusion, anxiety, lust and shame. 

Listening to a poly-positive podcast reminded me of the different types of trauma responses. Trying to understand my own trauma responses to the present overwhelm of emotions surrounding extended love. 

SIDE NOTE: I had a visualization session/NLP/Hypnotherapy session with Wes the night before his date. Resulted in a visceral experience of my heart coming “online” and beating properly, as if for the first time in a long time. Acknowledging my fear/anxiety around sexual/physical sharing and consciously breaking “the rules”. Lucky for me, Wes happens to be a certified hypnotherapist and has assisted many individuals with their relationships/internal struggles. 

Sobbing was probably the best part about these past two days. I haven’t felt safe or ready enough to share what I’ve been feeling. There’s a part of me that wants to protect myself from speaking prematurely about where I’m at. I’m not entirely sure where I’ve landed because I feel like there’s so much moving - pieces of my psyche trying to settle into a new place. 

Whenever I have another wave of emotion or insecurity I’m aware there are a myriad of thoughts and beliefs that pass through my mind. I have allowed a lot of these because in truth, they feel a lot more comfortable. They are familiar and support the wave of energy surging through my body. 

Beliefs and thoughts that fuel feelings of jealousy/insecurity:  

Choosing another partner takes away from the present relationship 

Being monogamous is what ensures trust, respect, love and loyalty

Sharing is for little kids and toys, not adults and sexual partners

Sexual pleasure for pleasure’s sake is shameful 

Messing up means starting over/returning to GO and negates all progress 

My body is an embarrassment, if only I was sexier or sexual we wouldn’t be in this situation

My sexual desires are too limited and unworthy of acknowledgement 

I am unappreciated on a daily basis, I’m not actually needed anymore 

I am broken therefore a new model is needed 

My feelings are never taken into account

My level of comfortability is irrelevant 

Openness means loss of love 

I am not good enough, I am less desirable, I am uninteresting 

I am to be conservative in all ways, expressive only when necessary 

My intuition is always wrong 

My partner’s sexual interactions with others are directly the result of my own inadequacies 

My own desire for space and sexual boundaries will not keep the relationship alive 

My craving for alone time is irrational 

I should be able to control other people’s/my partner’s actions in order to avoid me becoming too uncomfortable 

In order to the save the relationship I have to be open to dating other people just like my partner is 

After the intensity passes I start to dispute all these thoughts internally, investigating my own memories and facts to help disprove the irrational. I start to wonder what kind of response I had and how I acted on it. 

The trauma response(s) I’m currently aware of: 

Flight - withdraw completely into myself, drastically reduce the amount of physical/sexual interaction with my partner and myself, and insert passive aggressive comments/jabs to undermine my partner’s pleasure/experience.

Freeze - go completely numb internally, refuse to release an excess amount of any emotion, go through the motions of the day to avoid a sudden breakdown/blowup at someone.

Mental/Emotional Masochism - Asking for details when I don’t really want to know them (just yet) in order to appear accepting of my partner’s actions, but then also use those same answers to justify/reiterate to myself why my partner chose another partner. Shame myself in comparison and play the victim.

From there I’m able to dig a little deeper into what my ideal beliefs would be. If I could get through the tornado of emotions what would my eye of the storm look like/feel like. 

Now, it’s not to negate the fact that I went through several cycles of intense irrational emotions and acknowledging my trauma responses. For me, it was after a certain level of exhaustion and mental masturbation (to some degree) that I felt a desire to move on. To start imaging what could exist beyond the tornado of shitty-ness. 

Acknowledging and exploring my desired beliefs: 

My partner has communicated with me throughout this entire process

My partner’s actions have not indicated that he is no longer sexually attracted to me, their libido has not changed 

My boundaries and request for reassurance and acknowledgment of my feelings have been supported 

Choosing another partner is opening up the door to a whole new world of possibilities - positive influence on my partner, more alone time for myself, more quality/intentional physical connection, new sexual ideas, etc. 

Adding another partner will not fix any present issues in the relationship, if there are issues they need to be addressed as opposed to using additional experiences to avoid them - that’s not the intention behind engaging with seeking new partners

My partner is specifically looking for more experiences - sexual, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. which does not mean that he is looking to replace those aspects we already share

Everyone is a separate entity, comparing two partners is nearly impossible and only leads to self-deprecation and self-deprivation 

Love does not disappear when it is shared and inspired by others; loving one friend does not negate my love for another friend 

One person cannot be my everything, it is unfair to expect that of my partner/any partner

Ultimately, I want to be turned on when I hear about the sexually depraved things he’s done to another woman/person - feeds the sadist in me 

I want my partner to feel that I can be their home base, creating a secure attachment rather than a codependent one 

I want my partner to feel excited and happy and fulfilled when they experience a positive interaction with another person

I want my partner to experience as much pleasure as they want 

I want to experience as much pleasure as I want 

I do not sense any red flags this time, and my intuition has alerted me in the past when there are some 

Jealousy/insecurity/uncomfortable emotions are all part of my growth, I can’t move forward if I’m always comfortable 

My body is a temple that deserves to be cherished by me, first and foremost 

There is nothing wrong with taking my time to heal old beliefs 

I am not obligated nor owe my partner a full, in-depth explanation of my myriad of feelings if I am not ready to share yet

My partner’s actions have not indicated a lack of appreciation, it is my assumption and interpretation of his actions that leads me to believe that I am unvalued/unappreciated - 99.9% my assumptions are very wrong

I can only control myself, I have no right to control the actions of another

I do have the right to express myself in a way that is not harmful to the other person 

I do have a right to identify my boundaries and find a compromise with my partner if they don’t completely align 

My feelings are always valid - not to be confused with acting on those feelings 

Love is not love if there is no communication and respect - and that goes for all involved parties (whether I choose to be poly or monogamous) 

My own triggered experiences have nothing to do with my partner, and it is not their job to help me reframe them 

My sexual journey is evolving and there are no expectations on what kind of sexual I “should” be 

There is so much possibility beyond what I have previously experienced; I don’t know what I don’t know

There is no point in trying to predict/prevent the future 

Being insecure and jealous is a normal behavior since I was raised in a hetero-normative family with very conservative societal expectations 

My body is not an apology (Shoutout to Sonya Renee Taylor)

Being honest with myself about where I’m at is indicative of loving myself and honoring myself 

When my partner has a new experience I also enjoy learning and getting to know the person they are choosing to spend their precious time with

Consciously choosing to feel like a victim is OK if that’s what I want

If I want to feel shitty and perpetually create Groundhog Day for myself, then all there’s left to do is acknowledge it and derive pleasure from it

Projecting and acting harmfully because of my emotions is never okay

This is how I may feel today but it doesn’t mean it’s how I’ll feel tomorrow or 6 months from now, change takes practice and dedication - results aren’t instantaneous nor should they be   

We are not infinite beings, our time is limited and worth enjoying 

There is some sense of relief knowing that where I want to be is positively more extensive than my previous list. Again, not that I’ll be this ideal person overnight but I at least am aware of what I’m working towards. 

Helpful: 

“Poly for Monos” https://www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

https://anchor.fm/makingpolywork (”Taming Your Whoosh”)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXBWJqHvne8&list=OLAK5uy_kEghhLcVg4HOgKCNN2powMT0AeWlAQ8ic (”Just Let It Go”, “Breathe”, “I Am Light”)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7idDkaheGoY

[zorebi]

Day One: Confusion and Emotional Whiplash Being Poly-ish 

Extensive Recount: https://fetlife.com/groups/2917/posts/17319080

Historical Context: 

Years 1 - 3 mainly monogamous: Initially Wes had a few partners while we started our relationship but after about 3 months it moved to monogamy 

Years 3.5 - 4, open exploration as a couple: first threesome, and my first solo explorations with women

Year 4.5 - now, open poly exploration: Wes is seeking an additional partner while I experience healing around trauma/sexual disconnection - specifically to support his desire for more sexual interaction and connection as my libido shifts. Wes recently attracted poly woman who is equally experienced in poly/kink/bdsm/relationship therapy.

Situational Context: 

Day One is the first day following Wes’s first physical interaction date with his new partner. A close friend came over to hang out with me while Wes was on his date.

Intense emotional jet lag/backlash after he came home and shared his experience. New partner even proposed a time limit to their first interaction out of consideration for myself and her own needs. Lowkey loved it but also was very triggered by it.

The entire situation triggered some foundational boundaries/limits. Hence the Eugeo, SAO picture reference. I’m trying to fight against what I know is “wrong” but I feel like mentally there are hard-wired rules preventing me from breaking certain “system codes” that have been established for “safety”. 

However, my boundaries and request for alone time have been respected. Despite being energetically disconnected he is still checking in and providing space for me to process. 

Haven’t been able to fully cry.