#poly/mono

[greypentachoron]

Googling about coupling in a mono/non-mono relationship only shows me both sides basically blaming one another for various reasons, so I'm gonna write about my experiences here.

Being non-monogamic isn't a greed issue. Some people can only fall in love with a single person, others don't have this exclusivity in their hearts. Let's say it's like I get full eating one sandwich, meanwhile the other person might be okay with a single sandwich but they're better satisfied with two, or three. People are different, that's absolutely fine.

Not every single insecurity a monogamic person has in a mono/non-mono relationship is jealousy or self-worth issues. Like it or not, they're giving you 100% of their romantic "time" to you, while you're sharing yours with more than a single person. I say romantic "time" because love is infinite but time isn't. If a mono person wants to hang out with their partner and 4 out of 5 times they're busy going out with someone else, it might feel a little like "hey, apparently I'm not missed enough", they feel undervalued.

Going out with a person who is non-mono isn't a "hm I've got nothing else to do rn so why not" situation. They're not your option for when you're lonely, "I'm gonna wear this shirt I dislike because the one I like is washing". No, fuck off.

There is a degree of judgement when someone who's mono says "hey, yeah, I'm kind of jealous" that disencourages future communications related to the relationship, I see people respond with an aggressive "that's you being insecure" or "that's just what you learned from society" and this invalidates their feelings.

And yeah, it's a difficult relationship, especially if it's the first time a monogamic person dates someone who just isn't. But honestly it's like any other difference you might have with a date. Maybe you like staying in and your new crush loves going to parties. You two can compromise, give up, talk about it... It's ultimately your decision if this is working or not.

Plus I have to admit after the insecurities settled I found out my introvert ass works perfectly with an extrovert because going out once or twice a week is fine when they might want to go out 5 to 6 days a week. Go and fly little bird imma stay home watching YouTube and playing videogames, see you in 2 to 3 business days.

[polyamorousmood]

Idk what budding poly person needs to hear this, but if you need to break up with your partner because they're strictly monog, you're not a bad person and it doesn't mean your love for them isn't real

[pupiipawzz]

[respirgender]

gaybian | gaybian | gaybian turigirl-lesboy gaybian | mspec gay | mspec lesbian pan gay | ply gay | omni gay

free to use, credit is appreciated but not required

[esoteric-apparition]

Anti mspec mono people know that mspec doesn't always mean "attraction to men and women" right. I mean obviously other queer people understand that labels can be complex and have multiple definitions. RIGHT??

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

Mono people completely unprompted: "I've never seen an attractive polyamorous person, I hate them, they're so gross, they're just cheaters, why do they all look like that, poly relationships never last, they're ugly and gross, they just want an excuse to cheat, they're emotionally immature, have I mentioned how ugly I think they are?"

[redacted-coiner]

NOTE: I quite literally don’t care about discourse don’t bring it up or I’m just blocking you.

Bi Lesbian, Aurora Lesbian, Pan Lesbian

Poly Lesbian, Lunian, Omni Lesbian

Related Post(link)

DNI is listed within my pinned post. Please go read it before interacting with any part of my content. Ask to tag!

@caeliangel

[librarycards]

non-monogamy - discovering i was ~allowed~ to practice it - has been a realization on par for me w being a lesbian or being trans. it released me from the anxieties concomitant not only with failing at being [normal] but also of being, like, an affront to the normalcy i was trying to fake. the reason monogamy felt like walls closing in (even if they never quite hit me) was not the result of some intrinsic, excessive, offensive part of my sel(ves) that i needed to grit my teeth and hold inside. it was a problem that could be alleviated just by traveling to another room

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

steddyhands has me so ruined for any individual izzy ship bc every time i try reading long stizzy fic where ed disappears i inevitably go 'but where's ed? :('

and whenever i read long edizzy fic where stede never pops up i'm inevitably going 'but where stede?? :('

and even when i read ouizzy or sprizzy or fang/ivan/izzy fics etc where izzy is happy while stede and ed are doing their own thing, i'm always a little sad in the back of my mind like 'ed and stede... they don't know?? they don't know the love of izzy?? no kissing first mate??? :((('

(don't get me started on how difficult straight up stede/ed fics are to dig through sometimes, i love the ship to death truly i do, she's the main girlie, but forget crying over where izzy is in their dynamic, i gotta go Entire Work and CTRL+F search izzy's name throughout the fic just to make sure his character isn't getting massacred disney villain style before i get invested in a 50k+ fic at 2am)

my ideal world is one where stede/ed/izzy have sorted their shit out, izzy and frenchie are music boyfriends, izzy shacks up with lucius and pete sometimes for some kissing bitching and gossiping sessions, and izzy and fang have cuddle sessions on the regular

all this ofc alongside archie/jim/olu/zheng's whole thing, whatever frenchie and wee john have going on, lucius' thing with fang, and jackie's continuing recruitment of new husbands to join the swede

in my heart polycrew is real and thriving, we could have had it all dammit

[jerzwriter]

Mono-Poly - Chapter 6 Sneak Peek

Featuring: Tobias x Casey Carrick, Ethan Ramsey, Diana Ellington-Rourke (F!OC)

The gallery was abuzz with activity, and for once, Ethan was actually enjoying himself until the worst occurred. He lifted his drink to his lips, hiding his words from prying eyes. His eyes, now tinged with disdain, locked onto Casey's. "Incoming donors," he grumbled.

Casey discreetly turned to see Dr. and Mr. Boylan heading their way. "Ethan," she said, a wide smile quickly forming on her lips, "they're funding fifty percent of our project, so be nice." She placed her drink on a passing server's tray and grabbed Ethan's hand. "Come on, dear, it's showtime."

Ethan glanced at Tobias, silently pleading for sympathy—or a quick rescue. "Your wife has no idea how much I hate mixing business with pleasure, does she?" he groaned.

But Tobias merely smirked. "You do pleasure? Who knew? You two kids go have fun now," he pat his friend on the back. "I'll be here."

As Tobias turned to examine a nearby painting, Diana noticed he was now alone. With a graceful stride, she crossed the room.

"Tobias," she said, her smile warm and inviting. "I hope you're enjoying yourself."

He returned her smile, every bit as charming.. "Very much so. Your work is incredible. I'm impressed, and I don't impress easily."

A waiter passed by, and Diana handed Tobias a flute of champagne. "That means a lot, coming from you."

"Does it?" he teased with a playful tone. "Then you’ll have to explain how Ethan Ramsey managed to score an invite to this soirée while I'm only here as my wife's plus-one."

Diana's melodic laughter floated above the room's ambient chatter. "Don't blame me. Blame my event planner. But," she paused, tapping a manicured finger thoughtfully against her glass, "how about a behind-the-scenes tour? I could show you the new series I'm working on if you promise to keep the details under wraps. Would that make it up to you?"

Intrigued, Tobias raised an eyebrow and downed the rest of his champagne. "It just might," he grinned. "Lead the way."

[junewild]

finished my bg3 run after jury duty today, so i can stop making heart eyes at halsin (& karlach & astarion) & start making heart eyes at odysseus again. when will they let me romance him i need to seduce another worldweary man with a weakness for me specifically

[polyamorousmood]

i use tumblr primarily for lurking and scrolling so i'm not familiar with ask blogs and the terms used. so sorry if this is better suited for another blog, but i couldn't find one. :(

poly / non-monogamy.. i've personally felt that at least right now, it's not for me. but stuff that happened in the past nags at me sometimes; i wonder if it could've worked out if i had been better at communicating. i'm trying my best to understand it. it feels like a pretty diverse spectrum so far.

both me and my previous partner are both nonbinary/genderqueer, pan~bi ish, they were my first relationship. they've dated primarily men in the past and i was the first.. afab i suppose. so from that, i agreed to them continuing having sex with other people (casual sex they were having prior to our relationship starting, continued within relationship) i suppose i was worried i wont be enough? that i would lose them if i didn't agree? not sure. when it actually happened, i was not a fan of the feelings and thoughts it caused me, and attempted to find a compromise between our lifestyles.

when asked about it, asking them if we could take a break and try to be closed off for a bit, they told me our relationship is already closed/mono. this confused me because i find a lot of comfort in labels (not sure if this is a bad thing; they aren't a fan of labels) and this didn't feel like being 'closed'.

another mention was that sex with other people was emotionless, that they feel nothing when they have casual sex. sex for me feels like a really big trust barrier to cross, for me to feel safe with someone to do that.

i may not understand it for myself but i still wish someone could explain it to me.. so i can at least try and understand.

While this is nothing against you, asker dear, I don't really see myself as an ask blog? Easy to think that because I take a lot of asks (especially recently)! But I don't see that as The Sole Purpose of this blog, if that distinction matters. Anyway.

I've said it before and I will say it again and again. A relationship can fall through even though you did nothing wrong. You can be fundamentally incompatible in an important way even though neither person is right or wrong. Could better communication have saved this one? idk, maybe? Communication is foundational to any relationship, but easily triply so for poly (or as in this case, otherwise nonmong) ones. But it is not a guarantee. And if I can be real with you, my nameless friend? Its not usually super productive to focus on those what-ifs.

Let that sink in first, and if you still want more opinion, click through

Did you let it sink in? For real? Its both not productive to replay past things AND things can fall apart through no one's fault? You believe both these things? You promise? 🤨

Okay. Since you promised.

Based only on what I have here, it sounds like your ex, if anything, was the asshole here. They clearly meant the relationship was romantically mono/closed, but it was still sexually at least semi-open. So they knew what you meant, and it was kinda a dick move to not just say "I'm not comfortable doing that." And it would have been one thing for them to say "its closed in the way that matters to me, can you explain why the sexual aspect is so important to you?" but you're not making it sound like that's what this person did.

What you've provided is an extremely limited 🤏 view on what happened, but based only on that, I don't think you severely fucked the communication bit. Sure, you probably should have led with "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it, but I'm willing to try" because yes, it is incredibly frustrating on the nonmonog person's part to try and put the genie back in the bottle 🧞🪔 even though you did the right thing by saying something. And its not clear from what you sent in here how well you explained to them what you were feeling, etc etc. I'm not saying you're a perfect shining star 🌟, but man, trying to insist on something that objectively isn't true is a helluva thing from that other person.

As for explanations, it really is something that's different for everyone, cliche though that may sound. I think this post explains the drive for nonmonogamy pretty well, all things considered, though your ex partner describing it as feeling nothing when its casual might not perfectly fit the metaphor.

[pause here to read that linked post because the rest won't make sense without it]

Okay. So. With that in mind, in the case of your ex, sex is just a thing you can do. You personally, and a lot of cultures, have assigned it greater meaning, but that meaning is not inherent. Objectively, it is an activity, an enjoyable one, and nothing more. To work within the board game metaphor♟️🏁, maybe board games are something I'm only comfortable doing with people I deeply trust. Idk, maybe I have board game related trauma so I need to be absolutely certain a person is safe before I'm willing to try that with them, maybe I just get really heated when playing Monopoly and I don't want to show that side of myself to just anyone, maybe I only ever played board games with my beloved grandfather growing up and now it feels sacred. Whatever the reason, its important to me that I only play with very trusted people. That's totally fine, valid. But it is a "me" thing. Not everyone will view it that way, and some people will enter chess tournaments and play with strangers! Now what happens if I fall in love with a tournament chess player, and it feels like it cheapens the experience for me if they don't view it with the same level of importance that I do? Do they have to give up their hobby? Is it wrong of them to want to play tournament chess still? Maybe I have to live with the sinking feeling that my most important person isn't viewing this deeply important thing to me in a way that's compatible with my worldview?

This is what I mean by saying sometimes people just aren't compatible, but no one is at fault. This is what I mean by saying its incredibly hard to try to "go back" to monogamy when you're not monogamous.

[assmaster-8000]

there is no world in which you could pay me to gaf about poly people

[mintoezz]

Can we include nonamorous people more than just poly when it comes to "non-monogamy" talks?

If you wanna talk abt poly, specify it. Don't say it like "non-monogamy". You're not even including the non-partnering ones.

[yaoi-hate-machine]

we need a word for polyamory that’s like pansexual. i am as open to polyamory as i am to monogamy. i contain multitudes

[sysdating-culture-is]

dating as a system culture is " our partner " ( only the host is dating them )