06091990

[06091990]

刻在我心底的名字

你藏在塵封的位置

要不是這樣我怎麼過一輩子

希望是我想多了，真心话

不想欺骗自己

已经不确定 是否 真的把你放下

换回来的 是一辈子的友谊

我可以吗？

就这样 就把你的名字 永远的刻在我心里

然后把这道门锁了。

永远都是 朋友的我们，我会再贪心的要求吗？

我明知道 世界上 是没有 一辈子的承诺

可是 我就是 希望 我们真的可以是 一辈子的朋友

一年后 ，我真的不知道为什么现在还那么难受

这一刻 你的否认 真的让我胡思乱性

难道这是放不下吗？

我好累。希望明天醒来 就发现 真的是我多想了。

31/3/2021

[06091990]

Sometimes pain is quiet

It’s invisible

It’s an itch that doesn’t go away

And you don’t know what to do to help dull the sensations

It comes in waves.

Sometimes gentle

Sometimes loud and rough

And sometimes there’s no warning

21/09/2020

[06091990]

30/06/2020

Yearning.

There are roads I want to take when I’m told not to,

There are people I want to see when we agreed not to,

There are things I want to do when I’m told not to,

That is life and yearning.

That is you.

[06091990]

01/05/2020

Every once in awhile television and movies mirror our life stories, they are after all written by others and inevitably contain personal experiences / inspirations.

Today as I watched the concluding episode of a series, the friendship between 2 good friends and work partners, in which case one had fallen for the other - showed me that in another world, if that were to have happened to me, I don’t think I would be able to live through it. While I understand that there are many ways to handle a certain problem, I’m thankful that isn’t us. I can’t live in maybes or love in halves. And no one should.

Funny how someone’s fictional truth shows you just how much you are thankful for your own imperfect realities. And tho it’s coincidentally a month to the date, I recognize that I am still working through some feelings - some days are harder than others, but today showed me that at least I don’t have to cling onto the dangerous, 4 letter word called hope. More importantly, I know I’m moving towards the correct direction; forward.

[06091990]

21/4/2020

不拖手不分手的一对

得不到不担心将失去

想不通不多想方会安睡

一颗心不交出不婉拒

当分开没强笑没流泪

于身边不走开不进取

//

若习惯平淡似水一直伴随

有话最好收于心里

一个美梦敢不敢去追

/

站在你面前你若是明白我

同伴有千个都相信你最多

爱你是我的那句未唱的歌

其实我都怕犯错

[06091990]

Bittersweet + Melancholy

Another day. I’ll find words to pen down another day.

01/04/2020

[06091990]

人生第一次 那么害怕说实话

虽然知道 错过了而后悔一生 不是我可以忍受的选择

可是 还是怕 而是从没感觉过的害怕

我真的可以接受吗 。

无论你的回应是什么，说出去的话 永远都收不回来

心里还是没有那个准备

真的有冲动 ，一辈子就这样好了， 就足够了。

24/03/2020

[06091990]

Heard the chords through a closed door at work today and I was immediately drawn to it. So much so I had to open the door and step in to listen and find out who it was. Of course it was Ben Platt.

Shortly after, I found a pocket of time to sit down at my desk and plug in to listen to the song in its entirety. Midway through the second verse, where the chorus of voices came in tgt for a line, goosebumps and shivers shudder down my spine - it was so incredible. It’s been awhile since a song has had this effect on me.

Perhaps it was yesterday’s conversation that’s fresh on my mind. And the little things that I’m now more aware of. Seriously, I still don’t know how people enjoy this. It freaks the shit outta me. And I don’t know what to do with any of it.

Sleep. Sleeping helps. I shall go to bed.

07/02/2020

[06091990]

It’s funny how life turns out sometimes. I never quite believed people when they told me that sometimes the things we look for or hope to find, aren’t quite the things we really want. Or perhaps it’s because humans are ever changing - circumstance, people, things : they all contribute to us changing.

And strange also how once you’ve been made aware of something that wasn’t there before, you can’t sorta undo that Pandora’s box.

30/1/2020

[06091990]

Happiness is simple

Being happy is simple

It’s a choice

You can either put down whatever is holding you back and move on.

Or continue to let it weigh you down .

Day by day. Each morning you wake up and open your eyes.

Forgiveness is a choice.

It is one that you grant yourself

It takes time. And no one can tell you how long.

All I can say is one day, someday in your future, you’ll find yourself no longer burdened and weighed down.

Someday , one day, you’ll wake up and realized happiness is right there. All you have to do, is choose it.

10/1/2020

[06091990]

I worry, just a tad.

This pull you have over me.

But my rational self doesn’t approve. So I know, I’m safe.

At the same time, I worry just a lil, that you’ll be the one that stays on just a little too long - in a place that isn’t meant for you.

And I tell myself, I will eventually. Time, given time will happen. I just have to be patient.

2 years to the date. 17102019

[06091990]

365 circulations around the sun

I started hoping last night and even more so this morning that I would run into you - of all the days, because tomorrow would be exactly one year since that night.

Part of me wanted to reminisce a little but the more realist and practical side of me wanted to just be able to talk to you and acknowledge that I can put this part down and truly be friends. I’ve been thinking lately that perhaps somehow our affinity has ended as we haven’t been running into each other as we once did at a point in life - but I still prayed that if it was good for me, we’ll bump into each other. And just when I had left it up to God, you walked in from the back, right to pew in front of us. Tho I know if you had seen us, there’s no way you would have taken that seat, but by that point we both saw each other and smiled.

My mind was filled w thoughts of the road thus far and made peace w it. I reached out for a conversation at the end of mass and it was nice to be able to chat. Perhaps I’ll see you next wk, or perhaps I won’t. Whatever it was, I didn’t commit to anything because I shouldn’t have to - and I kinda did that deliberately as well, as a reminder that I had just as many commitments as you. As I said goodbye, I patted your shoulder saying my usual, see you when I see you.

I will always be grateful for the memories we shared, and while it still comes back in waves sometimes, I’m happy and contented with the life I have now.

20/10/2019

[06091990]

Thank you Suits, for 9 years of memories.

26092019

[06091990]

Waves

You really need to stop this.

If you keep pulling at me, I’m going to want to fall back into this mess - even though every ounce of me knows I cannot. Literally everything in me knows that I just can’t.

Is it be that hard just to leave me alone?

Isn’t it enough to see me walk by and live my life, just as I imagine you live your life and watch you walk by.

Today really just brought me back to that last moment, where it was clear to me that you don’t know me - at all. And I just can’t do this w you.

This is probably the 3rd time that I’ve crossed paths w you since we last spoke, and if I really was gonna to let myself be honest, a part of me has always wanted to know what you would do, if we came face to face - would you acknowledge me then? But today, when you tapped my arm - in that split second I wanted to just continue walking, I truly did. But I turned around instead and you just smiled so widely at me - I honestly don’t even know how I managed to smile back before continuing on my path. I don’t know what you expect from me anymore, and I’m done caring - but I’m glad to be free of you for the next month.

040819

[06091990]

10/6/2019

[06091990]

10/6/2019

When moments feel like a lifetime ago now.

How quickly and how slowly can a year pass sometimes in comparison to sheer hours and days.

It’s over before you know it, and yet sometimes the hours in a day just crawl on by.

[06091990]

31/3/2019