0bsc3ne - Tumblr blog

[0bsc3ne]

i look so damn good rn ed be damned i've got a bright red mullet now

[0bsc3ne]

and is your shame helpful? is it inspiring goodness and change? or is it keeping you frozen in time unable to move on and be everything you have expanded to be?

[0bsc3ne]

for some reason i've been getting called skinny a lot lately?? like i know i'm not 90lb anymore but over the last few days. it sure has been comparable to back then. and i'm objectively a fairly average weight on the slimmer side.

first it was that lady asking if all photographers were skinny, then it was a 20-smth i'm friends with (and she's seen me from the beginning of my ed to now consistently!), and then yesterday it was the old lady that my partner plays music in a trio with

i ain't complaining i'm just confused bc it hasn't happened in so long and i am Not really losing weight right now

[0bsc3ne]

let’s give eachother bloody noses then make out

[0bsc3ne]

took a nap* and feel marginally better. just gonna suck it up and cope bc i can't let my friends down and i'll feel worse if i just rot

*dissociated for a while

[0bsc3ne]

i just want to go get so fucking drunk my liver fails and i won't have any problems anymore

[0bsc3ne]

called him to leave a voicemail. soon as it went to voicemail he called me back. half an hour on the phone later i feel even more conflicted.

i really don't want to see him today but i know if i don't i'll just spend the day rotting and sobbing and i made plans with two of our friends to meet them later with him and i just. i can't let them down

[0bsc3ne]

i'm still crying. i don't think i've ever been this upset before. it's 11:30 and if he doesn't text me that he's awake by noon i might genuinely just. it scares me how i'm seriously considering breaking up. i have barely seen him in 3 days because of the film fest i've been busy shooting and i just... i felt so good. not bc he wasn't there (i think) but. i really experienced that i don't need a partner to be happy. and if i can have the best three of the best days of my life and then as soon as they're over i spend over a fucking hour sobbing about my partner i just. it seems so obvious. i should break up. but there's just. that little voice telling me to hold on. it's the same voice that tells me to starve and the same voice that tells me how to hide how i feel when i'm somewhere i don't want to be or speaking to someone i don't want to speak to. its the voice that's afraid of change and it's just. i'm so tired.

[0bsc3ne]

anyways if i'm ever in the wrong abt my bitching pls do let me know bc i really hate actually complaining abt my relationship to people who know me irl and i do probably need a reality check every so often

[0bsc3ne]

i really do try to be understanding. i really do. but it just feels like he isn't able to see when i go out of my comfort zone for him bc i just. Do It. whenever he does it for me it ends in some Heavy discussion and we reach a conclusion and make out and move on and just. i guess that's all fun and fine for now but it can't be forever. he can ask if i'm ok all he wants and do one-offs to make me feel better whenever he feels like it but it's just. long-term. the change doesn't really feel like it's being made. and i just. i don't know. i really don't

[0bsc3ne]

bitching abt my partner again so i can get it out of my system and not let it fester

had a Discussion yesterday and i said how i didn't like that i, someone who naturally wakes up early and has to go to bed around 11-midnight to get decent sleep, have been spending the last few months either sleep deprived or forced to use sleeping pills to sleep, when he sleeps in til fucking noon, even on the two days we both have off and can, yk, spend time doing things in the morning together, and then he complains that we never do anything outside (bc we live in florida. anything after noon is just a fucking sauna.)

anyways. i ask if he can start waking up earlier. he says he'll wake up at 10 today. i go, ok, thank you, but what does that prove? that you can do it once? i've been changing my schedule for months. i want to hear that you'll try to do it consistently. (And 10 isn't early anyways, but i didn't say that). he insists he's going to do it. makes sure i see him set an alarm in front of me and everything. so anyways. 10:01 i get a text that he's going to sleep a little more.

man.

[0bsc3ne]

was holding my camera and moving our open photo show sign in front of work and a random lady walking by stops me and goes, "can i ask a weird question?"

"yeah, sure"

"are all photographers skinny?"

apparently her son is also a photographer and he's very skinny. anyways i'm thrilled about this interaction

[0bsc3ne]

went to a house show tonight and met a dude who lived in gainesville for about,,, 8 years? idk how to feel after i talked to him. i didn't get all sulky like this on him obvs but. man. yk. what could've been.

but as soon as i started typing this my cat came to cuddle so. sign from the universe. i'm where i should be

every once in a while it sinks in that i'll probably never have the college experience. or a college experience in general, really. i'm not super upset abt my objectively lame highschool experience bc i have no real interest in sports or theater or whatever else is Good in highschool but just. man. i could've gone to university of florida. lived in gainesville. been Creative in a university town with other university creatives. so many things Could Have Been.

but. at the same time. i'm objectively doing fucking great art-wise in my town locally and it's gearing up to be a major player statewide within 2-3 years in the arts scene. and if i'd gone i wouldn't have been able to raise my kitten from birth. and honestly? without me she probably would've died. and that's good a reason as any to feel good about sticking around.

[0bsc3ne]

every once in a while it sinks in that i'll probably never have the college experience. or a college experience in general, really. i'm not super upset abt my objectively lame highschool experience bc i have no real interest in sports or theater or whatever else is Good in highschool but just. man. i could've gone to university of florida. lived in gainesville. been Creative in a university town with other university creatives. so many things Could Have Been.

but. at the same time. i'm objectively doing fucking great art-wise in my town locally and it's gearing up to be a major player statewide within 2-3 years in the arts scene. and if i'd gone i wouldn't have been able to raise my kitten from birth. and honestly? without me she probably would've died. and that's good a reason as any to feel good about sticking around.

[0bsc3ne]

probably one of the best photos i have of myself to date honestly

[0bsc3ne]

i need to get serious about starving again. ergh. tmrw i Will get back on track. sunday i Will stay on track. monday... gonna try my damndest. and then tuesday is back on track. it's just hard with how much i'm moving. gotta start romantizing feeling weak i guess

[0bsc3ne]

nothing like the unspoken solidarity of eye contact between a highschooler stuffing candy in their backpack and a minimum wage worker