0bsc3ne

[0bsc3ne]

going back to sweden for a month. went from 95lb to 80lb last time i was there for two months. am at a healthier weight now and feel much more content in my body bc hormones have done their job but also have a much more limited diet (yay, intolerances) and will be much more active than the last time i there. fingers crossed, folks 🤞not going to let the disorder dictate my choices but if i could manage to lose 10lb and maintain my testosterone muscle definition i will never have a problem in my life again

[0bsc3ne]

testosterone brain go crazy. am asexual as all hell but dear god if i don't get some form of intimate interaction within the next two days i'm going Insane

[0bsc3ne]

wanting people to know i starve myself so they're aware of my mental struggle with life vs wanting people to think i'm just ✨️naturally✨️ very skinny so my aesthetic seems effortless

[0bsc3ne]

on one hand my job is stressing me the fuck out and my freelance work is barely giving me enough time to even sleep. on the other hand i'm down 10lb in the last few weeks. so. win some lose some i guess. or lose some (bad) lose some (good). idk

[0bsc3ne]

anyways. ed pro tip. develop/realise so many intolerances and food allergies that all you can eat are corn chips, eggs, tuna, popcorn, tostones, a very mild assortment of fruit & vegetables, and protein shakes that you technically shouldn't be eating but god damn it you need to treat yourself sometimes and rhe reaction isn't that bad. now it's hard to want to even want to eat enough to hit maintenance, let alone go above it!

[0bsc3ne]

on one hand my body feels constantly kinda awful and i have a horrible cough and shortness of breath constantly. on the other hand i'm still fully functional and have almost no appetite and i'm losing weight like crazy so i think i'm gonna let it run its course a little longer

[0bsc3ne]

like. there's so many things in my medical history pointing to this. aunt on dad's side? lactose intolerant. dad? gluten intolerant (confirmed not celiac). grandpa on dad's side? died from some sort of digestive issue they never figured out. insane genetic predisposition right there. me? constant complaints of horrible, constant constipation from literally day one. even as a fuckin diaper baby it was an issue. as i got older? horrible anemia that didn't respond to supplements. turns out issues digesting iron is a common side effect of gluten intolerance. who'da thunk it. but no. instead it took me eating something with so much spice it triggered a week worth of earth-shattering pain and Complete Reevaluation of my eating habits and then a baguette absolutely Ruining my day for me to realise this has been an issue my entire life. literally all my digestive problems have been solved. it's so fucking crazy. AND I CAN EAT THREE MEALS A DAY AND HAVE A REASONABLY FLAT STOMACH BY THE END OF IT. I DON'T GO UP THREE PANT SIZES A DAY ANYMORE. I CAN USE BELTS WITH SET HOLES IN THEM AGAIN BC THEY'RE GUARANTEED TO BE COMFORTABLE AT THE END OF THE DAY ANYWAYS.

AND I CAN BE THE MANWHORE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AND WEAR CROP TOPS

[0bsc3ne]

anyways it's so fucking crazy. turns out i don't go up two pant sizes from a bite of food just bc my body's like that. turns out that happens bc i'm gluten and nightshade intolerant. turns out that i do, in fact, have a flat stomach at my highest weight ever (albeit i have way more muscle mass than i did at my last highest weight so that probably helps a bit) and the reason my stomach was never flat at my lw (unless i was fasting) was bc of the god damn gluten. and probably nightshade, too. AND NO ONE FIGURED THIS OUT.

[0bsc3ne]

me when i discover i'm gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant, and nightshade* intolerant, and can eat almost nothing but protein shakes, popcorn, nuts, and tuna: :[

me when i realise i can basically eat however the fuck much i want now bc it's practically impossible to hit maintenance (as long as i'm careful w nuts): :]

[0bsc3ne]

and he constantly teases me bc i Never cook and barely even microwave my food and now he can't EVER say SHIT to me again. i feel like in those old movies where the old karate master who everyone kinda half-bullies suddenly beats the fuck out of someone. god i'm proud

years of disordered cooking came in clutch 💪 went to see my partner and walked in on him Struggling with a hellofresh burger recipe and my years of having to problem-solve with low calorie alternatives just kicked into Overdrive (but in "household that doesn't even have sugar laying around" style) and i SAVED it and i feel SO GOOD. didn't even look at the instructions 💪💪

[0bsc3ne]

years of disordered cooking came in clutch 💪 went to see my partner and walked in on him Struggling with a hellofresh burger recipe and my years of having to problem-solve with low calorie alternatives just kicked into Overdrive (but in "household that doesn't even have sugar laying around" style) and i SAVED it and i feel SO GOOD. didn't even look at the instructions 💪💪

[0bsc3ne]

years of disordered cooking came in clutch 💪 went to see my partner and walked in on him Struggling with a hellofresh burger recipe and my years of having to problem-solve with low calorie alternatives just kicked into Overdrive (but in "household that doesn't even have sugar laying around" style) and i SAVED it and i feel SO GOOD. didn't even look at the instructions 💪💪

[0bsc3ne]

bringing back this acc again. felt a lil too good abt myself and am now... not so much regretting it, but doing damage control for when i do.

anyways. gonna do a 36hr fast. gonna sleep through the first eight hours, tough it out for the next 16, probably pass out at the 24hr mark and then have dinner w my partner around 38hr. gonna be hard but if i frame it in my mind as a resilience exercise and not lose-weight it's honestly fairly easy. i've also been spending way too much damn money on protein shakes lately and can no longer eat nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, anything spicy) so. that cuts out like half the shit i normally eat. makes life easy

[0bsc3ne]

i look so damn good rn ed be damned i've got a bright red mullet now

[0bsc3ne]

and is your shame helpful? is it inspiring goodness and change? or is it keeping you frozen in time unable to move on and be everything you have expanded to be?

[0bsc3ne]

for some reason i've been getting called skinny a lot lately?? like i know i'm not 90lb anymore but over the last few days. it sure has been comparable to back then. and i'm objectively a fairly average weight on the slimmer side.

first it was that lady asking if all photographers were skinny, then it was a 20-smth i'm friends with (and she's seen me from the beginning of my ed to now consistently!), and then yesterday it was the old lady that my partner plays music in a trio with

i ain't complaining i'm just confused bc it hasn't happened in so long and i am Not really losing weight right now

[0bsc3ne]

took a nap* and feel marginally better. just gonna suck it up and cope bc i can't let my friends down and i'll feel worse if i just rot

*dissociated for a while