0pticblast

[0pticblast]

06/29/2025

June is almost over and it's about to be halfway through the year. I spent the whole weekend with Ash. Working on Slabs Friday night, Saturday working more and then watching White Lotus, Sunday going to the gym and buying supplies. Finishing May sales, we had 76 orders which is 1/3 more than we've had all year so far. Ash asked how did that happen and I told her that was during the heartbroken period with Jackie. She said during Vegas she visited Jackie and she asked about me. I told her how Jackie asked if I was going to visit because Squid Games Season 3 came out. My heart sank and I started to feel really uneasy. It sucks and I'm unhappy but I know great things are coming my way. We bought a scanner to expedite our eBay listings. Ash asked why I wanted to use it for the business and not on myself. I think I reached this point where I don't want stuff anymore. I just want meaningful memories, friends who I can trust, and knowing I can make a difference.

[0pticblast]

06/24/25

It was my 2nd out of state regional, and I started missing her more than normal again. I haven't visited her in two months now. We still send each other memes, we don't talk much, but the feelings don't go away that easily and all I can do is embrace it. I miss her silliness, sitting next to her, making fun of me, us smiling at each other for a split second as she makes drinks, seeing how she gets excited over food, I could go on.

After my bad job interview I told myself something better will come along and something did. After my bad showing at Vegas Regionals things will get better and now I'm starting a new leader. I can't have the ending that all my friends have because it's not my story to tell. Mine will be my own, mine will be different, and the ones I love will be there to support me whether I'm up or down.

[0pticblast]

06/15/2025

"What's meant for me won't pass me by"

The mantra I keep chanting to myself as the world and my world keeps falling apart.

Current job bombarding me with tasks

The interviewers who ask me a question leaves the room to take a call

Seeing cops on horseback swinging at civilians, throwing flash grenades, and tear gas

Getting a talk from my coach saying my deck is not playable for Regionals this weekend

My dad constantly putting me down and not supporting my endeavors

Every time the slightest inconvenience hits me I just look up in the sky and think, "For fckn what?".

3 Hazy IPA's deep with Ash, we both understand each other's frustration and we're in this together to just make things better for ourselves. As I feel alone and dead inside, it's just nice that I have my Player 2 partaking in all the hell we've walked through. All the pain and emotions subsided as I spill everything in this app. Imma keep swinging. Ill get through my current jobs bullshit like every month. I'll find a job with people who actually gives a fuck about me and will pay me what I'm worth. The world will rise above and unite from the tyranny. Imma just play and fuck up my opponents tie breakers and win streaks and have fun. My small business is going to go places

[0pticblast]

05/03/25

My sleep hasn't been the best, it comes in waves and every dream is a nightmare. I try my best to not think about the dream conscious but it always leaves me confused waking up.

My first nightmare was me driving all the way to SD to compete only to realize I forgot my deck and had to get disqualified.

My second nightmare is this girl that I haven't met but during a day at Encore Beach Club she decides to tell me how she feels when we were already 6 shots deep. It ended up being a disaster as she started stumbling and I ended up taking care of her at the hotel room because she was too messed up to function.

I want to do my best in One Piece and I want to find love, but there's just so many steps and that feeling of "What now?" when all of these things get accomplished. Having dinner with my sister last night cleared a lot of things for me. I can't care as much, and I need to prioritize myself. I hope those around me can understand that.

[0pticblast]

04/27/25

This weekend has brought me back to life only to take the biggest hit. In snowboarding I learned to get back up right away, dust off the snow, and continue to ride down the mountain. Not every fall or hit is the same and this just feels like I'm back in square one.

I visited my college best friends, driving there is a bit of a journey but I enjoy the long car rides and the irreplaceable company. I love that we're flexible, they listen to me, and they accept me for who I am. The side quests that we get ourselves into always makes me laugh but also be daring. When I went up to Bernice, I haven't felt this crazy since 2019 me trying to talk to Vangie. An old part of me reawakened, something I've been trying to reach for the longest time. I sometimes miss my past self, I was 30-50 lbs lighter, somewhat happy, and just bold.

The next day I gymmed with Ash and watched the Lakers game with her. She asked if I visited Jackie recently and I said yes but I leave early. Idk how to explain it, but I honestly can't be there for a long time anymore. It's not that I don't like her, but it's just hard being around her as of lately. Maybe it's because I just feel I'm not the only guy and it affects me, I wish I could work on this but I just feel really down. So this is me, back in square one except I can continue and skip because f*ck the cutscenes.

[0pticblast]

04/08/25

3 weeks in, my brain and heart are exhausted. Running on fumes, I lay in bed hissing from all the smoke I caught. I gave Jackie my b'day gift, a Severance themed notebook for her to take notes and I got her a mini bouquet. Is it bad that it feels natural to give her flowers? I think what caught my attention was that she took care of the ones I gave her on Valentine's Day. Seeing how she's adding these to the ones that are still alive makes me wonder, what the girls I went on actual dates with did with the flowers I gave them. Tbh, I feel like only one of them reacted really well.

Pasadena Regionals is coming up, am I ready? Not really but when was I ever. Maybe this year is just my friends/growth era. One video resonated with me where the girl said she's tired of trying, tired of the same outcome. I feel I can do the right things, check boxes, but it all doesn't matter if the person doesn't feel anything for me or is not interested in me. My apologies if I've just been a lot to handle.

[0pticblast]

03/31/25

This is me trying to feel.

- Beyond was a fun/tiring/sad rave for me. My friends and family were too on one to function, but I'm thankful for the ones who stuck with me and kept me company

- I purposely tried to not bump into one of my family members because the friend he introduced me to was bringing another guy. When I talked to him after the rave he said he was worried about me and that I hope I had fun

- Headbanging for two straight days felt euphoric in its own way. While on the outside perspective it may look like I'm crazy, but this is just me trying to heal/recover.

- I forgot what heartbreak felt like until recently, it still stings and I find myself crying almost everyday. All my friends can do is watch me be/feel dead inside.

[0pticblast]

03/28/25

I'm going to this rave these next few days and I honestly don't wanna go. So much has happened since I bought these tickets and I'm just too sad and stressed to want to do anything right now. My cousins try to make me feel better but I feel it's going to make things worse. Turning up and pregaming is only going to make me black out. The pills is a temporary fix but I'll feel the repercussions once I crash and sober up. I felt crushed when my cousin told me the girl that I wanted to see is bringing another guy. What do I do at this point? One heartbreak after another keeps piling up on me.

[0pticblast]

03/13/25

Hi, it's been awhile.

One Piece Dallas had me in every emotion. As much as I wanted to do well, I'm over not placing high because I honestly don't play the game that much. I needed all the help, coaching, and reps just to get Top 256. Could I have done more? Probably. Sometimes what I put in doesn't pay dividends, like how you earn 1000 tickets to get a Chuck E Cheese prize. My coach does 1000 reps and he gets Top 64 and Top 16 prizing in two days. If I did 1000 reps, I may not even get the same results. The game is so random in it's nature that anything can happen.

During the weekend I was missing Jackie more than normal. I eventually internally blew up during work. It's the same feeling if when you mix light and dark alcohol, the emotions start to explode and bleed and all that's left is me crying uncontrollably and hugging my thick bomber jacket. I recently saw this video of this vlogger saying that it's okay to admit that we want love, no matter how independent and strong we feel. I know for sure I'm going to have to eventually tell her how I feel. It's affecting me because I yearn for something real, no almost, no maybe. I apologize in advance for being too much, too dumb, too delusional, too overreacting. I know I need to tone myself down. I was left on seen but I know she didn't mean it. We're both just fighting the good fight.

[0pticblast]

Day 365

I'm done, 365 days without going on dating apps. How do I feel? Still unhappy and happy at the same time. Did it take a lot out of me? Yes, but it took a whole year being alone to realize and understand things that I probably wouldn't have if I was just trying to find someone. My alone time is underrated and saving myself for someone who actually loves and respects me will be worth it. Seeing the different energies each person I encounter has been refreshing. It's never too late and I know I'll meet someone out of nowhere. I still have a lot to work on and I just want to take care of myself.

[0pticblast]

Day 364

At work while everyone is on vacation. The sacrifice I'm willing to make.

[0pticblast]

Day 363

Thanksgiving

- Family members calling me fat

- Relatives making fun of me and criticizing my life decisions

- Smiling just so I can confuse them

- Realizing their life is just as messed up so I don't want to clap back

[0pticblast]

Day 362

The change I needed

[0pticblast]

Day 361

Portion control next time 😮‍💨

[0pticblast]

Day 360

Countdown to end the year and Electrik Seoul to start the year right

[0pticblast]

Day 359

Slowly but surely my room will be okay, my cluttered mind will be clear, and I will give myself grace in the toughest days.