0r4nge-s0da

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or anywhere

anyone wanna go to nola tuesday or wednesday

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anyone wanna go to nola tuesday or wednesday

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haircut be honest do i gotta die

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do yall even wanna be friends anymore like ik this isnt new

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should be wasted rn but i offered to drive reece at like 6 tmmr

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losing the idgaf war

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and i got a bulshit haircut fuck my life

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god ive ruined my life

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not gonna say anything not gonna say anything not gonna say anything not gonna say anything

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I HATE BEING SINGLE KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE MY LIFE IS SO PATHETIC OH MY FUCKING GOD

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participating in online fandoms for the first time since my middle school tumblr with ******* ***** and heathers fanart is kinda scary but also like i feel so famous when i get 5 likes so idgaf

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hate when i post on here and they notify me to add tags to expand my reach, i dont want NOBODY to see this shit

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everything about me is a gimmick but its not original, theres no personality behind it

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i am nothing and no one and everything i feel and consume moves through me without sticking or leaving any mark, the only proof i have that im alive is my own body and my freckles and scars that i dont want to fade, but those are disappearing too and soon ill be an entirely flat and blank peice of canvas and theyll look right through me to see theres nothing there

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i dont think my parents and me like being around eachother. thats not even like a guess either like i know my mom does not like being around me. its so weird to me though how casual it is, like, it only ever comes up when i want something from them or they want something from me but other than that were just not close. they dont know my favorite color, my favorite subject, or what kind of music i like. i mentioned a few months ago to my dad something about how hamlet was my favorite book and he just said "really? huh thats kind of weird." its been my favorite book for four years. ive talked about it for four years. when they talk to other people about me, my dad says things like "shes so smart" or "shes really into drawing" or "oh shes very retro" and my mom says things like "shes a lot." one time i overheard her talking to my grandparents and she said "she really likes being around people, shes just not very good at it." since my dad always brings up the retro thing try to talk to him about that but it never really goes anywhere. recently hes been using grok alot and he talks to it like its a person. he thinks im being silly when i get upset when he asks it for ideas and opinions while im in the room with him too. like well be mid conversation and hell ask it to explain something he doesnt remember. like hell stop mid sentance and ask it a question. the past few times it was not only stuff that i knew, but stuff that i love talking about and explaining. shit like the vietnam war and the iran contra afair. like, i cant expect him to know every little thing im obsessed with if we dont even really talk, but if were having a conversation about it then u could assume its probably something i know about? i dont know i just feel like its kind of depressing. its not like theyre like abusive or neglectful of anything bad like that, like the worst i ever got was probably a single slap in the face and slap in the shoulder years ago but whenever i think about talking to them about something i remember my mom telling me that i should just bottle it up because look at everyone who doesnt and where it gets them, and i think about my dad telling me taht if i dont want to have the kinds of problems i have that i need to just work harder at being normal and fitting in. im not sure that well talk when i move out, i know summers n stuff exist but ive always imagined myself doing far away jobs like camp councilor or park ranger. i feel bad for my siblings because i do really love them and care about them, but i dont think ill see them as much as i should, especially josie. i feel really bad cause its no ones fault really, but i still kind of resent them for it all sometimes, and i know they feel the same way about me.

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i used to be a writer, i wrote poems for years and people liked them too. i dont remember anything about them, but i won a contest once in 5th grade where you could like submit it and they picked a certain number to be put out in some little book thing with a bunch of other kids and i was so proud of it, but when i told my mom she told me that it was a scam and that they were just trying to make money off of parents who will buy anything to make them feel like their kid did something special. she was right but i wanted it so bad anyway, i didnt even want to buy the book, just have her sign the form to be in it, but she never did