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1-talk-alot · 2 months ago

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Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh

Deleting later

Right I skipped a LOTTTT and also some things have changed so.

In this I said smth like “I wish I could get better” I don’t think thats true now, and I don’t think it was the whole truth when I wrote it either. I don’t wanna get better and I doubt that I ever did, or else it wouldn’t be such a big part of my identity. Really, I wish people would leave me alone to starve in PEACE. I don’t need “have you had breakfast/lunch/dinner?” Or “im making myself something do you want it?” Just please assume the answer is no. Even if I haven’t eaten, or I am hungry, assume the answer is no. The answer should always be no. In fact, even if im saying the answer is yes, the answer is no. I’m not in my right mind, and the answer is still no.

Regarding what I said about calories, I think I just don’t trust any food. Sometimes I think “oh I stayed 400 cals under my limit hooray!” Before I remember that it doesn’t negate the mini brownie (just an example) I had that day, and that, no matter how much I ate, it could always be less. Not all calories are equal, and sure, what I ate was only 40 or so calories, but most of it is just straight up fat or carbs or anything of the sort, and I would always have been better without. One by one, things that I’d consider low calorie ENOUGH or just low cal snacks are turning into “that wasn’t worth it” and “I shouldn’t have had that” e.g (rice cakes and the sugar free whethers) and it’s to a point that I’d rather just not. Its a tough thing because giving me food makes me miserable and not giving me food makes me worse (obviously I would rather not being given food), but the fact of the matter is that this is such a big deal that I’ll always be on top it. If im made to eat something I haven’t prepared for, I’ll ⭐️ve more the next day to balance it out for the week, and so on.

(Everything I just wrote has been sitting in my drafts for about half a year and still holds true.) Everything after this was written today.)

I just want to be fucking done. Other people honestly make me sick. It’s no fun anymore its just hell after hell, plus anticipation and desperation, plus observation that come with the loudest angry thoughts in the world, plus crying for help as loud as a can which is rarely more than a status post. I feel bad for [L] because I know disorders are real and a struggle but I fucking hate the way she flaunts it. With the posts of her dinner and the repetitive “I only have one rice cake and im not gonna eat it, I had a protein bar and that’s enough!” (something she said twice on Tuesday). It’s not even just her, she was just the first example to come to mind (like of bringing up their disorder as if its quirky and not incredibly triggering). What’s worse is that in a weird way, I also feel like she kind of deserves it, because she IS skinny? Like, ofc you’re flexing, you’ve basically won.

I feel like even if I do lose the weight, it will only bring me enough peace to silence the overwhelming thoughts, some of which keep me going, and then I’ll have nothing left to do but die. I realized this first with small things like video games, but now I know for sure that I need to be chasing something or else I’ll have nothing to live for. I’m sure there will be something else, but I don’t think it’s going to make me happy, I don’t think anything will. I just want to actually be worried about, without crawling out of my hole for it. I want to be worried about without having to vent or post anything. I want people to look at me and offer me food discreetly or ask if im alright.

This is on the topic of the thing thats been on my mind for a couple months and recently started up. Still about 3Ds but focused on someone

So, I know I said if it starts to get bad I would put an end to it, but to be fr, I knew even as I sent that message that it wouldn’t happen, im way too incapable of anything like that. Hes toying with my feelings like hell. Messaging him is the scariest thing in the world, my hands may be shaking but cant just stop messaging him, I don’t know why, it’s not in my nature. Im so scared of screwing up and having him get angry, I just want to do what he says. Sometimes he’s nice, sometimes he makes me feel validated in my ed, sometimes he sends me a good night message, he encourages me to go to bed earlier which makes me feel like he cares, but its toying with me so much im just anxious all the time.

He also makes me send him b0dych3cks every day which is something I NEVER would’ve even CONSIDERED beforehand, but im too scared to actually try to reason with him, I kept on telling myself I’ll get used to it and a daily routine is good for me, but oh goddd its the scariest thing in the world.

If im suddenly quiet (as in stop responding to messages for a while) at around 10pm to 12am it’s because im either talking to him or im mentally recovering from talking with him. I’ve never needed like, the most basic levels of comfort more; and I have NOT got the mental capacity to look at my phone during that.

At any time during the day, no matter what im doing, theres a chance I’ll just think “Youre gonna have to report to him later.” Which is true, after every day, he expects my total cal intake (which has to be below 600) any exercise I did, and a b0dych3ck, and it makes every single food decision so much more weighted. Im just so terrified of making him angry.

Another thing I noticed that I only just realised might’ve been on purpose is that when I first started talking to him, he said smth like “idk if I should help you tbh”, and I don’t think he meant it- I think he said it so that I’d have to convince him that he should, so that its framed automatically that im the desperate one, that he’s the hero, that I need him. I had to convince him that I could “take it”. (his wording). He’s also been saying things and taking them back, or asking me questions about my preferences and disregarding my answer (and going with what he was gonna do anyway), and I think its making me feel stupid for thinking it matters, and making me feel stupid for thinking he said those things (which he denies). I just like. I can’t block him bcs I’m not thin, and for some reason I just can’t understand I would feel really bad??? But even if/when I am, I can’t imagine how I could ever possibly block him then. Don’t I owe him something at that point? Even if it’s just so that he can?? Idk what he does, get off on pictures of me in my underwear?? Don’t I owe him anything??

I have more to say on this topic but my mind feels like the buzzing noise that microwaves make turned up to 100 and played at the same time as like 17 others, I really can’t find any words at all, I only have one thing to add

I was half venting half ranting to one of my friends from the discord server and they said “ya a friendgroup with multiple disordered people is a recipe for disaster” and it kinda got me thinking, but thats not something I wanna touch up on right now, cause I don’t think I have the mindset to find the words to say it right. Im only saying THIS much so that I remember to continue it when I can.

Alright imma be honest this might be one of the longest rants of mine ever and for bad reasons. Ive been putting off writing this because of the topic and also im not even sure how comfortable i am myself talking about and posting this entire thing but it’s literally on my mind 24/7. No one has to read this and also warning because im gonna be going into depth about eating disorders and body and a lotta that shit

Also im not proof reading this i literally never wanna see it again (and new phone means new autocorrect that doesnt know my common mistakes very well so its likely that theres a ton of spelling errors)

Why I say it’s going to be long for “bad” reasons, I mean the reason is that this fucking disorder has taken over my mind. Food is all I can think about, I constantly ask what’s for dinner so I can plan out what i can get away with not eating, ive lied about not liking certain foods so much that when someone offers me food it’s almost autopilot for me to go “im not hungry” or “sorry I don’t like ______.” I literally cant go on tumblr after I’ve eaten until I don’t feel full or else I’ll want to kms. What’s worse is that im 90% sure that the people I see daily are either aware or suspecting my ed, which makes eating in public feel like shit, but for some reason it also makes turning down food feel like shit? Its because I know saying “oh im not hungry” while others are eating sometimes makes the others feel like they shouldn’t be eating either, and I really really don’t want to be the reason anyone is forcing themselves to be miserable. I feel like an attention seeker whenever it’s clear that im the only one not eating and i hate it.

And also, when I say it’s “taken over my mind”, I don’t just mean that it’s all I can think about and manifest, I also mean its fucked with my ability to make proper decisions and take DEFINITELY made me a meaner person in my hate and oh my god I hate it so so so so so much. One thing I noticed like last year is how my whole life I just saw everyone as thinner than me, even if that wasn’t true?? I never saw other people for how they really looked, I genuinely just saw that I was fat and then saw everyone else as skinny even with people who werent (OBVIOUSLY not in a bad way please dont think im implying they were pretty before and werent after I promise I saw them as beautiful before AND after)

And it was only like last year that I realized I wasnt actually bigger than every single person I’ve ever met, and im being 100% genuine when I say I was surprised to find that out. Im not sure why, but I’ve unknowingly had body dysmorphia since I was a little kid. I think it’s gotten worse though, because I cant wear non-baggy clothing and look in a mirror without noticing anywhere on my body that has fat (specifically the arms. I hate my arms. The arms are the worst i cant wear tight sleeves or no sleeves anymore its just ahhewjsjajsjsk /vvvvvvvneg) and I’ve stopped wearing skirts / shorts recently because im too self conscience to wear them without tights and I dont like my thighs (not that I ever did, its just never been such an awful problem until now)

I dont know where this came from because there’s literally no proof and it’s all my imagination but it feels like no one would love me unconditionally unless i was thin. I sometimes wonder if people ever think im incredibly self absorbed with the way i look at my reflection in literally anything that has one when i walk by it, really i use this as a frequent and solid reminder not to eat if i can avoid it.

In general, the thought that I look big in literally anything I wear has gotten so much worse these past two weeks and idk what triggered it, especially my face shape. When I say I wish wearing masks (2020 reference) was normalized but not necessary I just mean I wish I had a good reason to cover my bottom half of my face. When I go on dog walks I wear scarves around my neck and I pull them up so it has the same effect but winter doesnt last forever and so I know I cant do that forever.

I think the whole calorie thing has 100% taken a toll on my energy, its hard to say if its also why im so cold all the time or if its just cold outside now that its winter, its definitely taken a toll on my memory which is why im even more scared of exams, and since im way more tired than i would be its also made me a lot more irritable which is why i wouldnt trust most of the rage driven posts i post on my other blogs.

Half related but learning about calories pretty much ruined my life. Mostly because theres so many in foods I used to eat all the time without knowing how quickly it adds up. Also because not knowing the amount of calories in something im eating is such a condescending feeling. When I say I wish I could recover, I dont mean I wish I could stuff my face without feeling guilty, I mean I wish I could eat normally in a normal way and feel normal about it. And not have to chew extra slow or drink water before meals so im too “full” to finish. Or not have to log everything I ate onto a calorie counter app of any time. Or not have to make my last mouthful really big, then get up to take my plate to the kitchen before I swallow it and spit it all out in the bin when I get there. Or not have to do that disgusting “chew and spit” method because im craving the taste of foods I miss. And not end up paranoid for no reason because what if the food I just ate had 1000 calories instead of 100 like google/my cal counter app said it did. And not avoid going out around lunchtime so I don’t have to eat out, or on the contrary, purposely go out around lunch time so I can say I already ate at home and no one can prove or disprove that. And not have Pinterest boards dedicated specifically to dresses Id wear if I actually lost that weight. But im not going to do that, probably not for a while now, because I feel Iike such a big waste of space above 50kg. I feel like no one will love me if im not pretty. I feel unwanted in public spaces if I don’t look good, even though 90% of the time im alone (dog walk) and 100% of the time no one really cares that much.

Idk this wasnt actually as long as I predicted earlier but I feel like I skimmed most of what I had to say because I felt like weird anyways. The point is I hate everything about my body and im not getting better until that statement no longer holds true

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1-talk-alot · 2 months ago

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Reblogging because woah im amazing

Rant that was supposed to be a regular shitpost on my main (tw suicide mention but very briefly)

Im not afraid of death but I struggle to imagine what it’s like to not be alive. What can I believe in? Will I really just die after all this? What about heaven or hell? Is it really fair? For me to spend a fraction of time alive to finalise my eternal punishment / reward? How does it work in heaven? Wouldn’t you get bored? Or just tired? What if you just go insane? Is everybody there content? That’s impossible, right?? No one thing can make everybody happy. Can it?

What if you’re reincarnated? Well, not really, because if you’re in a new body with no memories of who you were before, you’re no really you. A new body and mind does not equal me. My experiences made who I am and how I think, so without the memory of those (and the mindset to prove it) then this new person isn’t me and this new body isn’t mine. I am gone. I do not know who this new creature is, and they do not know me either. There’s just no connection between us, and it’s impossible that we’re the same.

What if none of that’s true and you’re just floating in pitch black nothingness forever? That just feels wrong though, doesn’t it? Because that means no matter what you do, you’ll be doomed to the same fate as everyone else. One of eternal torment in an endless void. If that is the case, it begs the question of a superior being above everything we as a species has ever believed in. One that throws us away the moment they have nothing left to do to us. And that’s not fair. What does it matter, if the system is fair or not? What can we do about it? At this rate, we’re no more than puppets or toys. Even if you pour your heart and soul into your belief system, it doesn’t make a difference when in the eyes of whoever’s doing this, you’re the same as everybody else.

But how about this: when you die, you’re really just gone. There’s no traces of you to reside in, and no “you” to reside in those traces. You’ve no mind, no body, no feelings, no thoughts, no memories, no consciousness. That feels fair, but not right. How does it feel to feel nothing at all? Nothing, right? But how? What will, and how do, you think about not being able to? Again, nothing. You don’t exist. You, along with your thoughts, memories, mind, all that, has been erased from existence. What do you do then? Trick question, “you” don’t exist, remember? You can’t feel sad about it when you don’t exist. You can’t cry about it when you don’t exist. You can’t protest when you don’t exist. Its a really difficult thought. But if you can’t be upset, is it that bad? Can you grasp the idea at all? Whenever I try to, I can for about a second, and then it feels impossibly far away again. I think those must be the most important seconds of my life.

What if everyone has their own personal heaven? It’s the thought of eternity that twists that for me. A world of which is the same forever and ever. It might sustain me for time worth another few lifetimes, but anything truly eternal would become torture eventually. What if it’s eternal, but it can change? My “personal” heaven would have definitely changed from when I was a kid, so why shouldn’t it change more after I’ve died? At some point though, there’s only so much you can want. What do you do once you’ve had everything? One of my old friends once suggested that everyone is just happy, anyway. That heaven is someplace where it isn’t your surroundings that make you happy naturally, but you’re just happy no matter what. And what can I say? If that was the case, I would be happy. Because I have no other choice. My mind would not be mine, but obviously, I’d still be happy, so I guess that would have to be alright. I don’t like the thought, but in practice I would be okay with it, inevitably.

What if you become a ghost? You keep your thoughts, memories, mind and conscious but lose your body. Your soul will wander the universes forever. Out of everything, this is m favourite idea. To be a ghost, to wander the earth and everything beyond. I like this because Earth is huge and there are so many beautiful things no one can explore in one lifetime, let alone the rest of the universe, but I doubt it too because it couldn’t be the same. I alway wonder whether or not “ghosts” can feel anything, considering with no body you have no nervous system, no pain receptors, none of the chemicals that make you happy or whatever. And even if you could, eternity scares me yet again, because forever is just so long. “Forever” just never ends, so no matter how big the universe is, eventually, wouldn’t you get bored? The same friend who suggested the “inevitable joy” idea (we had a conversation about this once) also suggested that if you were a ghost and you haunted, for example, who liked the same shows as you, you could rewatch the shows whenever they did, or if they had an interesting or funny friendgroup, you could hang out with them without them even knowing you’re there. I like the idea of being a ghost the most because you can relive life through other peoples, and there’s really no limit.

But what im scared of the most is living somewhere you can’t leave. No matter where you are in life, suicide is almost always an option right? Nothing has to last forever, or any longer than it has already. I know it sounds really fucked up but I honestly find comfort in that fact. But if you’re already dead, you can’t die again, right??? In that case, I worry that I will get bored, and I will want a way out, but I can’t, because there’s nowhere to go afterwards. Youre trapped, and that’s final, no matter which one is true. (Unless it’s the “when you die, you’re dead” one, in which case you simply don’t exist. Does that make this the most foolproof option? I think so, but despite that I don’t want to lose myself. My mindset is not perfect, but I fear without it I’d think or do stupid or awful things.)

This was honestly going to be a one sentence post but then I couldn’t stop thinking and it turned into a full blown rant lmao

And I could go on a whole new tangent on why the thought of a soul and having a soul is so weird, and discussing my confusion on soul, body and mind, the differences and which is which (mostly soul and mind) but maybe that’s for another day

Bye

#tw death #life after death

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1-talk-alot · 4 months ago

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Right (VERYVERYVERYVERYVERY SHORT RANT I just needed to get this bit outta my system AND THERE IS MORE BUT I MIGHT JUST ELABORATE LATER IDK)

So I realised that on the new blog I made with the intention of finding one of those ana coach dudes, in the intro post already it looks different to how I’d normally type and VERY different to how I’d normally like to be perceived?

Basically I repeatedly used things like “:<” and I overused explanation marks and all that and the way I spoke made me sound really dumb and like icl if that’s just your style or aesthetic or whatever, but in THIS context…..it’s very CUTE……in a very CHILDISH way…….and I think I did in on purpose.

OBVIOUSLYYYYYY p3dos are gonna think theyve found their perfect opportunity with a young and naive girl…who’s starving herself??? So they can tell her what not to eat??? And she will obey because she knows no better???? And they’re in full control??????? I realised I’ve sorta accidentally-on-purpose increased the chances of attracting a sick creep like that, and I think it’s because idk how to explain but like I kinda want to be used (you can victim blame me ig but don’t apply this to anybody else istg).

like I wanna be toyed with and taken advantage of even though I’m smarter than that, it’s just that I feel like I’m no good for myself, so I could be good for someone else right? Even if they’re a creepy bastard who doesn’t actually care about me? I still feel weirdly fulfilled by the idea.

I just want to get worse and I’d get a sense of self worth if I could do that FOR somebody, as well as self deterioration until people actually care.

And then when I have to say what’s wrong, I’ll have more than “oh I just have been feeling sad for years because this is my life even though nothing happened to me and I’m probably just complaining and being a whiny bitch about it lol, because I’m actually really lucky and I have parents who want the best for me so there’s actually nothing wrong with me and I’m just sad, so go ahead and reassure me before you turn your backs and roll your eyes, because obviously you know well enough to know that I’m actually fine and attention seeking!”

Like no I need a better reason and I’m putting myself out there all vulnerable and stupid TO be taken advantage of. This could be a reeeeeally awful idea though

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1-talk-alot · 7 months ago

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1-talk-alot · 9 months ago

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Rant that was supposed to be a regular shitpost on my main (tw suicide mention but very briefly)

What if you become a ghost? You keep your thoughts, memories, mind and conscious but lose your body. Your soul will wander the universes forever. Out of everything, this is m favourite idea. To be a ghost, to wander the earth and everything beyond. Spend as much time as you like, where you like, with no responsibilities, and maybe learn that your own paradise was here all along. I like this because Earth is huge and there are so many beautiful things no one can explore in one lifetime, let alone the rest of the universe, but I doubt it too because it couldn’t be the same. I alway wonder whether or not “ghosts” can feel anything, considering with no body you have no nervous system, no pain receptors, none of the chemicals that make you happy or whatever. And even if you could, eternity scares me yet again, because forever is just so long. “Forever” just never ends, so no matter how big the universe is, eventually, wouldn’t you get bored? The same friend who suggested the “inevitable joy” idea (we had a conversation about this once) also suggested that if you were a ghost and you haunted, for example, who liked the same shows as you, you could rewatch the shows whenever they did, or if they had an interesting or funny friendgroup, you could hang out with them without them even knowing you’re there. I like the idea of being a ghost the most because you can relive life through other peoples, and there’s really no limit.

This was honestly going to be a one sentence post but then I couldn’t stop thinking and it turned into a full blown rant lmao

Bye

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1-talk-alot · 9 months ago

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Weird short rant thingy

So I was thinking about that one thing a few people say that’s like “damn if younger me saw me now they’d be so disappointed” but I think if younger me saw me now she wouldnt even be surprised. Like sure, personality-wise I have changed a lot, my outlook on life is a lot more negative, I’ve let go of most irrational fears, I rely on people a lot less and my desires have also changed a lot. But just because I haven’t always been the way I am doesn’t mean I wasn’t always going to. Feeling bad for an inanimate object or a fictional character who’s been ridiculed for comedy can still literally ruin my day because of how sympathetic I get, and that hasn’t changed at all. At the age of 7, I was embarrassed about my body and that hasn’t changed at all. I was online for around 6 hours a day at the age of 9 and that number had only gone up since. If younger me saw where I am now, she might wouldn’t be disappointed per se, she’d just be upset that the path she was already on hadn’t taken a better turn somewhere down the line.

Yes I’m a lot more mature than I was, yes I’m probably more confident in comparison, yes I look different, yes I act different, yes I think VERY different, but internally I really don’t think I’ve come that far. It’s less of a “she’s still with me, I carry her around every day” and more of a “i was with her, she was doomed to become more and more like me every day” situation. Like I, I and my thoughts, feelings and insecurities, lingered in her head until she inevitably grew into me. We’re so different and yet, not metaphorically, not physically, not emotionally, not internally, in some secret fifth way that I can’t describe, we’re the same.

I thought about death regularly when I was 9. I become overly hyperaware about calories when I was 9. I’d cry because I couldn’t decipher my own emotions when I was 9. I compared my body to literal models in their 20’s when I was 9. Somehow, someway, I was still so happy when I was 9. And I’d give anything to spend ten minuites in a room with myself aged 9, just so I could hold her in my arms and tell her she’s going to be ok. Whether it be true or not, I don’t know yet, but to spend time with a version of myself so naive to not understand what she’s going through, yet so experienced to understand me? I don’t care if she’s stupid or cringey or anything all little kids are at some point. I’d play with Barbie dolls with her if I had to, but if I could make a version of myself who is so troubled and yet so pure smile, I’d probably start crying. Her whole world was so fragile and her grasp on logic was so thin, if only I could talk to her again and I’d play into her stupid, stereotypical dreams forever if it meant she could stay that way. (Whimsical, innocent, reliant, naive, scared) I know that would be wrong, and society wouldn’t treat her nicely if she did, but oh god she was so precious then. I want to see her, I want to reassure her, I want to protect her but she is gone. She’s gone and I have taken her place, but you can’t reverse knowledge and she will never come back. I’d do anything to experience childlike wonder the way she did. Being in the same room as her would break me, because I’d know only one of us is going to last, and it’s not her. And yet I’d still upend my entire life just to talk to her once.

…Man idk where this came from it wasn’t even a lingering idea until this morning

bye

(Holy shit the STRENGTH it took to hit that post button! I was originally not gonna post this but I would’ve just felt too weird if I didn’t lmao)

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1-talk-alot · 10 months ago

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Very short rant this time I was just thinking

(Also kind of a vent but not really idk more like a realisation about where ive come to)

I think autumn is my favourite season despite my low cold tolerance because romanticising the seasons is my best coping mechanism and autumn is one of the prettiest to do so with. because im slowly losing all other desire than to look and feel pretty and its consuming my identity, I compare my own life to that of a fictional character and I want so bad to be perfect and likeable even in my worst moments. Im losing touch with reality. In spring and summer, the amount of beauty in your surroundings will always depend on where you are, and in winter, it depends on the snow. But in autumn the leaves change colour inevitably, and to have my ordinary surroundings so stunning makes for a delusional peace of mind where I can feel like something out of a movie, a 2D predictable character who’s problems add to the “aesthetic”. To demean myself in such a way where I literally pretend im someone else (possibly an alter-ego I made up in my own head), to pretend my problems aren’t my own and even to validate them by giving them to someone with a prettier face makes me content with my feelings. My desperateness to look like someone who can fit into a stereotype of a characteristic has made it so that I no longer know how to think, act or feel as me.

Also the leaves go cromch

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1-talk-alot · 10 months ago

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ThereIsABombAboutToBlowItllDefinitelyRuinTheShowPleaseLeaveBeforeItsTooLateIfYouStayYoullSurelyMeetYourFate(StopDancingImNotSpeakingInCodeTheresABombAndItsGonnaExplode) anyways!

I’m gonna it’s my friends again and my opinions on them and what’s changed! (Wooo wooo hurrah bravo)

Bullet points because I like bullet points

M - I had to start with this because it’s like the main topic of this blog most days (aside from me) and like. Look I can’t ignore the shit theyve done ok and I can’t say that I like them now but I will say that I miss them from before. I think like mid-last year was better and when I think of them on my own I can only remember running across the playground hand in hand in the rain or literally cackling over a doodle of Kirby with stick arms in English class or sneaking out of last period a little early together or goofing around in my own kitchen attempting a paper mache volcano and then I feel like a shitty friend for everything I said about them but they both hold true. We’re not the same as how we used to be to eachother and im always going to miss how we were no matter what, and again I’m not saying I like them, im saying I miss them, but I can’t like them for who they became

C - oh my goddd where do I start ok: they used to be like that person who you could always count on to have the bestttt insight advice or just reason. They were always so cool and so admirable (again not in the pervert way) They were always the most logical and just right with their opinions which is why I cannot believe how things have turned. I’m not gonna lost what they did because you (the only one person who I’m expecting to read this) already did like yesterday or the day before idr but holy shit. It’s so fucked up and I can’t imagine how it looks in their head because they have to know what they did wasn’t ok??? I find it hard to believe their oblivious to the fact because they’ve always been the most confrontational voice of reason, they always knew when something was or wasn’t acceptable and they always phrased it perfectly so it’s impossible that they don’t know how fucked up what they’ve done is right??? Im very briefly skimming how I feel about this but yeah thats the basics ig

A - there are two people who’s name starts with A, so to distinguish, I’m talking about the one who also likes to refer to themselves as Bruce Wayne as an inside joke: I have nothing bad to say about this person and nothing has changed I just wanted the excuse to say how cool they are. They’ve got like the best moral compass in the world and theyre so easy to talk to in the way that they can carry most of the conversation somehow??? Theyre also so easily hilarious and just like. Top teir personality man I honestly didn’t know people like you still existed but it’s nice to know they do

K - ok new code name but I’m sure it’s easy to guess who that is: At the start like then they joined I was only skeptical because they were Ms friend which ig is biased but I just wanted to make it clear that it no longer holds true and theyre really nice and I like them a lot :3

L - again nothing has changed so I’m not gonna write everything here since it’s all been said before but they’re really admirable (in a “that persons so [insert complementary adjective] I wish I could be like them” way not in a pervert way obviously) and theyre really cool and I also like them a lot and they make going to school sooooo much more manageable honestly

K - since there are two people who’s name starts with K now I’m gonna specify this is the one who’s a girl and is also Russian (to distinguish between the other “K”) anyway She’s so so so so so so cool omg Ik I’m saying a lotta positive stuff which is a bit out of character for my rants but she’s also so pretty and she has suchhh good fashion taste I wish I could be her ngl

W - I was mostly planning to do the people who i see every day In school BUT! Whatever so: alright disclaimer W is an awesome friend we’ve been friends for like 8 years and I never wanna change that but ik rn they have an ed (which I’m not bashing on on its own bcs that would be super hypocritical and also fucked up) and they have an underweight bmi rn which is like yk it’s your business im not going to comment on it out of nowhere but they just keep bringing it up unpromted. Like earlier today they said something like “no thanks I wanna stay at 50kg!” Almost totally out of nowhere and I’m as someone who’s never met them before you’d be thinking “oh well that’s asshole behaviour cut ties with them already” and no bcs they’re genuinely not like that at all. And I feel sick talking about this bcs ik if I had a thigh gap It’d also probably be on my mind 24/7 bcs like after all that struggle it’s hard not to be proud but please. As someone who’s trying to recover rn these random out of the blue mentions on how thin they are is just soooo crushing but anyways moving on

E - ok that was a lot let’s lighten up the mood a little bit shall we! Pretty much nothing has changed but I wanted the excuse to write this paragraph anyway

Theyre literally my favourite person ever and ik im not always the most engaging person to talk to (but they are!!) but I loveee hanging out with them sm they make my life so much better and they’re sososososososoo pretty theyre acc gorgeous ahsjajdjajdjja I love them so much words cant capture its entirety <333

To end on a good note im gonna list some of the reasons I love them sm (/p)

- theyre often very passionate and their energy is contagious

- theyre very understanding and non-pressurising :3

- they also get what I mean when I start spouting random words to try and describe an overly specific feeling

- hugs!!! Their hugs are literally the best need I say more

- the weird ass conversations we have (online and irl) that would seem so strange and incoherent to a stranger

- how we dont even have to be talking its just 100% more enjoyable if theyre in the room too

- Art! Theyre such a good artist dude even the doodles in the margins of their books are somehow neat

- they can make me laugh even through text which might be a byproduct of how much I love them but it still counts

- idk if this sounds stupid but they just have like all the best opinions (except when it comes to their taste in men /j)

- writing! Point blank theyre such a good writer idek how to elaborate on that they’re just an amazing writer (“yay!” Said the whole class /ij)

- Ik I’ve been harping on this a LOT today but for the final time theyre so fucking prettyaydjajdjjsdh

- I can trust them with anything :3

- feel like this is too long and I could pretty much think of new points forever so im gonna stop now but you get it :3

Anyway I just realised I started saying “bullet points bcs i like bullet points” and then proceeded to not do bullet points so you can kill me now it’s ok (I didn’t proof read this btw)

Bye bye!

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1-talk-alot · 11 months ago

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Short rant/vent thing that I didn’t proof read

I’m panicking so much about school because my mind keeps going back to the time I actually tried hard on one of my tests and ended up with a 7/15, to me thats solid proof im just going to fail everything. Each year i get a slightly lower score than before, I can’t focus for shit at home so I never study no matter how much I try, by the time my final exams roll around I’ll still be beating myself up over a maths quiz written for 12 year olds I don’t understand. Which means I won’t pass my A levels let alone gcses and that means I won’t get into any universities. And that means I should die because getting to move out to attend uni is almost all im living for. Im skilled in some things but none of those things will ever make me a living, my worst subject is probably English which sucks because no amount of revision and vocabulary will be able to prepare me for there weird mark system and detailed analysis’ of vague items. The year im going into, we’re studying poems which sucks ass because it means memorising shit which I just couldnt do anyway. Then maths is just something I’ll never understand, I could revise if I just could. I can’t focus at home or in school or anywhere enough to gain a long term understanding of any subject, I wing all my exams and I barely get through. Science might be even worse because I don’t think I’ve learnt a thing since last year, it’s not that I have bad teachers, it just looks back to my complete inability to focus or understand. When I try to think of what I learnt in science I just think of a bunch of keywords I know like chloroplast and enzymes and kenetic energy and I don’t know any equations or meanings or diagrams, if you give me two numbers in science I’ll just gamble and times them together in hopes that I was supposed to do that. My science tests have been pretty easy so far, and I still did bad enough to get moved into a lower set. Im going to fail my exams and fuck myself over for life. I’ve considered dropping everything other than school ever, like hobbies and friends and clubs but even if I did do that, and doing so got me by school, it wouldn’t feel worth it to graduate uni and then get hired at a library or something. I say library because I know that’s on the spectrum of jobs I’d consider, ones that are quiet and peaceful that I could actually enjoy, but most of them I don’t even need a degree for: I just still desperately want to attend uni, for the experience, to move out, just to get me the fuck out of here. But I’m going to fail school either way and I’ll probably be stuck here forever. I hate how my whole life depends on how I do as a child, I know it’s how it is, but it feels so unfair to me. Im not saying teenagers should have to go to school, but I wish it didn’t have to depend on these 3 core subjects only half of us are going to need in their chosen career. I know it doesn’t work this way, but if I wanted to hire a barista I wouldn’t be asking how much they know about the quantum theorem. It feels completely soul crushing to pull all nighters stressing and trying to learn about something when your hearts just not in it at all, just so that society allows you to pursue what it was all for.

And idk how to end this but hey! Atleast when caimbridge rejects me and I and kill myself I’ll have already told my story

#rant

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1-talk-alot · 1 year ago

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I know I know I know I said I wouldn’t rant about this topic again but be fr you didn’t know that and I didn’t care because that’s what I’m doing

Soooooo codenames yeah whatever this might be a longer rant than normal bcs im actually talking about 2 in one topics and the first one in friends! From a couple years ago

I need a few more codenames soooo

S - known her for 9 years uhhh shes really cool even though I dont see her very often anymore I also used to have a crush on her (little bit of lore you didn’t know I bet)

W - known her for 8 years shes also really cool

That’s it

OK this is a throwback to the times where everything was so different and im analysing why because I’m bored ig

S used to be one of my best friends, uhh along with H, W, and A (the only reason I gave them codenames was so I could write this sentence but they’re not in any stories or anything) and like I didn’t have any major friendship issues until the last couple years of my life and my mental health (which is not a topic I would like to cover right now) was also a lot better, like sure a lot of things were still shit but all in all I was happier yk? Then covid happened which wasn’t the biggest setback in my life but it’s definitely there and I can’t blame it all on my next point because there’s no way covid didn’t do anything to me

I think the whole being in my room 24/7, chronically online, bored and tired thing allll started there I think it as really subtle, I didn’t realise at the time, but my perspective on life, my average social battery, dare I say my patience all started to fall then (slowly but surely) I became irritable, I became used to frequent mood swings, I isolated myself for the heck of it, I didn’t go outside and I didn’t enjoy what I used to before and as if it wasn’t all slowly going downhill then, which I’m sure I would’ve gotten better if I’d had more time, uhh then I went to secondary and I was like shot down after the first month or so

If you were to ask my why I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer because my memory is so foggy (after reliving the same week 52 weeks in a row youd understand) I don’t see any specific differences, I know I stopped hanging out with A but nothing personal happened we just had different friendgroups and I think in year seven, nothing good ever happens in year seven, but nothing ever last either and I think my biggest issue was just time management and i don’t really stress over that anymore because icl about detention

In year eight however

So I had a new friendgroup right erase all the dudes from yr7, uhhh I actually really miss being i’s best friend because when I was every day was a lot more bearable but it’s okay we’re still friends, welcome L, E, and M!!!!!!!!!!! (wooooo) L and E i could easily talk about but it would be all positive so I’m not going to, Ik y’all aren’t here to watch a teenager talk about how happy she is, nobody tunes into that

Que topic 2! (It’s a continuation of topic one but onto the second stage of life aaand probably the last let’s be real)

So you might’ve noticed how I failed to include M when I said it would all be positive. That’s bcs it isn’t (plot twist) I could go on for ages but I’ve already done like 4 rants about this guy (and three of them are gone since I got T worded!) so instead I’m just gonna talk about recentl

TODAY !!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was shit honestly

Period once science uhhh idk if M thinks I’m too stupid to notice or if they think I won’t care about the way theyre suddenly treating my fp (/p)???? I know this isn’t my fight, I’m just talking over here but they’re not exactly trying to hide how dryly and reluctantly they reply? You’ve done so much shit and now you think you’re entitled to start acting like you’re the one being tired out. Kind of like a sexist boyfriend who hits his girlfriend, then when she leaves is like “well- i-I didn’t like you anyway!” To hide his fragile masculinity? Kind of like that yeah

Anyways ummm I could keep this professional but I’m better at voicing my argument if I sound like I’m just going batshit crazy speaking to that person and yelling at them so excuse me for the 2nd person, im still talking about M

One, how the fuck are you such a fucking narcissist??? You know it full well and you’re even proud of it and it makes me sick

Two, when I first became your friend I did think you were funny and that changed drastically because you’re just?? All your jokes consist of making fun of people insecurities, speaking in a cringe anime voice or using unfunny brain rot terms ‘ironically’ and sometimes it’s just so uncalled for like come on

Three, I just know that you think you’re at the “top” of this friendgroup. You think you can shittalk multiple people behind our back and we just won’t notice, you think your the only one with unspoken opinions and you don’t see past our very first trait. This was almost confirmed when you referenced L’s whole personality being hilariously stupid jokes and just ‘running around’. How blind do you even have to be??

I have multiple other things that annoy me but I can’t think of a way to put them into this rant so I’m just gonna list them now bcs i cba I just wanna get this done

• the way you obnoxiously played the full volume audio right in my ear today and didn’t it move until I did it for you

• the way you think I’m gullible enough to believe your simple lies

• the way you get so close to my face at times for like no reason like come on just don’t do that

•the way you only want to talk to me when you’re in the mood or when you need help and think I’ll just be there at your service

• the way you try to stop me from talking to E like when they were in the music rooms and I was gonna go and you kept stopping me stalling

•I know it sounds selfish but the way you’re stealing my inside jokes then being like “wdym I always did that that was my thing”

Uhhh that’s it ig? I’m not proofreading this so whatever uhhh im gonna go this way now bye

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1-talk-alot · 1 year ago

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Short rant/vent ahead (identity crisis)

I hate how little I know about myself

I already didnt know who I am or recognise my reflection and this body means nothing to me at all but just for the cherry on top, now I dk my gender identity and sexuality n all that which I swear I had figured out last year???

I feel like a hollow shell of a person bcs theres like nothing to me but mediocre artwork, unimpressive grades, boring personality 3/10 physical appearance like literally

If you ask who I am I could tell you my name and age but anything beyond that just doesnt really exist

Everything I’m good at like everyone else is better at and there are no talents or redeeming qualities about me, Idfk what people say about me when they have to introduce me and I’d be disappointed but not really surprised if I overheard my friend going “oh yeah that’s louie! My friend. Shes…cool…….yeah.” Because they also can’t think about anything good to say about me

Idk who I am or who I wanna be or what I wanna do but I do know that I want to have a written personality that I stick by like a fictional character so I can be atleast entertaining above anything else, I’ve thought about it for ages but its too late because everyone already knows me and im basically the same as the next person.

Im not gonna get a job or get like anything when im older, there are things I want to do but there’s nothing I’m actually good at, im either going to waste my life working at a corner shop until I’m 50, or live as an irresponsible mess of an adult rotating from homeless shelter to homeless shelter every other month, or kms now to spare myself the agony.

Literally all I want rn is for someone to describe me with precise words instead of “cool” or “fun” bcs that means nothing to me. It’s literally every average compliment for when you can’t think of anything nice to say. Give me words to live by. If you wanna say “cool” tell me why im cool. Give me exact words that mean something and write me a personality so I can feel like someone.

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1-talk-alot · 1 year ago

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No the fuck I didn’t

Okayyyyy yeah I got terminated but if I hadn’t got terminated you’d be able to go back and see alllllll the shit about M (code name) and im not going to re explain it so whatever

Short rant ahead!!!!

I vagely remember saying that I would talk about this topic again unless something happened and ig something did happen but whatever whatever im making no sense

Soooo today in fact M, E and C (and me!) we’re in dance bcs we have no choice and we were like standing around because idk and E goes to the bathroom so im sitting down and M and C are there and Ms talking shit about someone and I’m like “wait who” and they’re like “Ph it’s nothing don’t worry about it!” And im not stupid and I HATE how they think I’m just gonna be like “Okay! I will assume it’s someone who I don’t know or someone who you have already told me about because im an empty headed idiot with no opinions, logic, or ability to work things out on my own!” LIKE?????? Anyways I just assume its one of my friends or me because you im not an empty headed idiot like they apparently think!

Sooooooooo E comes back and we do our dance and (this next bit is a bonus issue) idk if M even like notices but they neeeeeeeeed to stop standing so close to my face like please?? I keep stepping back and you keep coming closer like stop

So whatever our group has another break and M jumps up and says(to C) “okay anyways I wanna keep shittalking them now!” And they open their phone and I can quite obviously see E’s pfp on their phone and i atp go to tell E “hey theyre talking about you” but like even I know that I don’t have to because theyre full on standing 1 foot away. Like Ik some people are just dicks who make it clear they don’t like you and they talk about you knowing you can hear them because they want you to feel shit but keep in mind everyone in our group are meant to be “bestfriends” or whatever. I didn’t hear exactly what was said I just know it was to do with some text message or whatever.

Sidetrack! (Because I do that a lot) they also expect me to move into an apartment with them when we’re older?? Idk but its weird because one it’s not gonna happen, two I know exactly what I wanna do and im going to live alone, three in the time period im not living alone (because I know that’ll happen too) I wanna live with E, A, or just some stranger who I can get to know and become friends with. It sounds mean but there’s no way im going to wind up in an apartment with M and theyre being so oblivious about it despite my multiple attempts to tell them my life plan

Back to the story uh there’s not story left just WHAT THE FUCK???? This next sentence may sound sarcastic but it’s a genuine question do you want the world to know what you said aboit E?? It would be bad anyways but you’re standing 1-2 feet away????? Literally that whole day I’ve been doing my regular “I wanna talk to my friends without seeming intrusive so im gonna stand” thing and almost whenever I actually do get to talk to my friend they just intrude and I know it sounds selfish bcs idk how to explain how I know they’re doing it on purpose?? And then they try to like steer me somewhere else like the canteen or like anywhere???

Let’s finish on a sidetrack ok I think its safe to say that theyve got shit going on for themselves and every once in a while they (out of nowhere, mind you) strike up a point like “if I died you guys wouldn’t care and 1 what do I even say??? Like I’d care obviously but what do I say? And two even when I do say like anything theyre just like “you’ll live.” Like ok am I not meant to? Because it sounds like you’re mildly pissed at the fact that I wouldt follow you if you died or smth

That also happened today and honestly idk what theyre even tryna do? Like youre making a point that you’re obviously sour about and then when we try to reassure you you’re just reject it?? So what are we supposed to do then? This happens often and im soooo tired of it because it’s a lose-lose game like there’s no good option anyways

(Disclaimer excuse spelling mistakes bcs I didn’t proof read this I just wanted to post it finally)

In conclusion I shouldddd (“deal with it in a mature and organised way so that no one gets hurt!”) commit identity fraud!

Bye bye :3

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1-talk-alot · 1 year ago

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Okayyyyy yeah I got terminated but if I hadn’t got terminated you’d be able to go back and see alllllll the shit about M (code name) and im not going to re explain it so whatever

Short rant ahead!!!!

I vagely remember saying that I would talk about this topic again unless something happened and ig something did happen but whatever whatever im making no sense

(Disclaimer excuse spelling mistakes bcs I didn’t proof read this I just wanted to post it finally)

In conclusion I shouldddd (“deal with it in a mature and organised way so that no one gets hurt!”) commit identity fraud!

Bye bye :3

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