100dayswonder

[100dayswonder]

☆ 12. it’s september 25 2024

and sooooooooooo much has happened since i last wrote an entry!!!

to start with the reason i was so busy was because i had a bunch of deadline overlaps was because my cousin got MARRIED!!!!

i was really happy for them!!! because the wedding was in florida, there was also a day before for us to go to the parks!! i went with leia and her brother and our younger cousin and we basically were able to ride all of the star wars rides!!

i did miss one ride in the toy story area because i wanted to try the coco puff drink but they sold out by the time i got there and i got super lost trying to find the toy story land so i could enter the line with my party and just gave up and sat down where the line exited from and got rained on a little LOOOOL

but it was really fun!! and the wedding itself was really fun! actually this trip was pretty interesting because i got to drink lots of interesting things

we had a reservation at the cantina so i was able to try a blue bantha -- it's coconut milk based but tasted mostly just. sour to me??! it wasn't bad but it also wasn't good

at my cousin's wedding i got to have a jack and coke which i definitely drank too fast (and on a mostly empty stomach too oops)

but it was OKAY!!!

we had fun but i'm super tired now...

actually though i didn't really want to talk about the wedding (or the trip back which was................................ . there was a small incident when i was deplaning with a really pushy lady and her husband who were super rude to me but eeh..)

i wanted to talk about love buIIet!!!!!!! i started it and read up to the end of volume 1 and aaAUAUUHHHH IT'S SOOOOO GOOOOOOODDDD and made me cry ahaha

.. actually to be honest i don't read a lot of GL to begin with because ... mm .. well the thought only really hit me while i was reading love buIIet but it might be that it makes me a little sad?!

... i can't really confirm and being honest i think a lot of the premises for GL and even BL don't appeal to me because most of the ones that are recommended to me are romance-focused and while i don't mind that at all, it can feel a little same-y if the premise of a work is 'here's how two people got together' so i tend to be a little selective haha

but it's really good and made me think about why attending weddings also tends to be a downer for me..

i guess it's the double combo of reading a GL that hits close and remembering that for as much fun as i had, when i look at the attendance of my cousins' weddings i can't help but think to myself wow , my family probably won't support me like this, will they?

you know... being a Iesbian and all... and only seeing myself with a woman if i ever find myself in a relationship that lasts long enough to get to that point...

i'm sure a lot of my relatives would be fine, but a good chunk of them wouldn't and that just makes me feel kind of down

but.

idk i still had fun!

and i'm needing to rest because i have a looooot of work to catch up on!!!

luckily i have a bit of breathing room but my next event is coming up and i have schoolwork to deal with so it's time!!! .. to hustle......

tomorrow... and i get to see my dog tmrw as well hehe... i missed him!!!!

[100dayswonder]

☆ 11. it’s september 16 2024

and todaaayyyyyy--!! after about 10 years ! i played basketball!

kind of! i've been practicing driving and there was a court nearby and a basketball with enough air in it that i was able to dribble it!

i was really happy hehe

i didn't make most of my shots, but i made a good number -- although my arm strength is weak and my form isn't that great because none of the baskets utilized the backboard

still -- it was really fun! the swsh!! of the net... like mitsuisan said... it's a great sound

i also tried some of suntory's craft boss lemon tea because the grocery store didn't have any kyoto lemonade

i thought they might taste similar since kyoto lemonade was just lemonade and green tea, and this one has black tea but the craft boss tea is sweeter... it's okay.. i'm glad i didn't buy too many bottles lol

other than that uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh... been busy with hobby things... and i did post about playing ball...

someone we met at a convention commented on it.. and so did abel's old classmate who's um. weird.

-- i realized today that i really really really dislike male attention

it made me want to scream IM A LESBIAN, BY THE WAY! from the rooftops..

seriously..

oh but my clothes finally shipped and i'm really hoping they make it before the wedding i'm supposed to go to..

i think it'll be good to go travel a little and hang out with my cousins hehe..

i'm like super sleepy right now but i do have a few things to finish..

... but i just want sleep!! sleep!! sleep!!!

my legs are also still kind of sore from exercise haha i really want to rebuild my stamina.. i really do feel like mitsuisan who i could always relate to anyway because he always wound up exhausted LOL

[100dayswonder]

☆ 10. it’s september 14 2024

and i went out earlier today! it was aloha friday at our local L&L and i ate loco moco!

actually loco moco was pretty much the only thing i ate today ahaha...

i'm so sleepy and it's barely 1am... is my sleep schedule stabilizing?

the only reason that's bad is because to be honest i didn't really do much in the way of work at all today

i need to lock in! i need to lock in! -- i keep saying that while just wanting to sleep and winding up not doing much of anything

i'll reply to an email and then maybe try to sleep.. i've been listening to ocean noises lately..

the aircon has been shit again though so it's still a little warm upstairs..

oh but i did get tickets to see look back next month so i'm excited for that!

and i caught up on all the physical releases of REAL!

[100dayswonder]

☆ 09. it’s september 11 2024

and i didnt got the job lol

i didn’t get tthe job and ana doesn’t care if i live or die and i don’t know what i’m doing

i just feel like i suck and that it’s so dumb to get my hopes up for anything

seriously i don’t care anymore

my mom said it’s okay if i don’t get it but i don’t feel like it’s okay

i feel like .. i don’t know

like i should just not be alive if i’m not going to become anything and no one’s going to love me

it feels like such a slap in the face to have had such a good opportunity right in front of me

it hurts to have met someone who was so nice

i hate that everything was tentatively going right only to not work out just like that

what’s the point of that

life has ups and downs naturally but isn’t it a little fucked up how much of a nosedive things take

i feel like i don’t have time and i’m frustrated

i feel like if it’s going to be such a waste why did i have to go through it

even my last relationship only made my life shit

it literally did nothing good for me at all

i fucking hate the fact that i’m living a life that’s just a garbage garbage waste of time

[100dayswonder]

☆ 08. it’s september 11 2024

and the sky looks nice right now so i took another picture

i got an email back from the job that i applied to that i was really banking on

i’m too scared to open it

like how i’m too scared to look at whether ana replied to me or not

when i happened to look today i saw she didn’t and was surprised that i could still feel disappointed

i told my mom i heard back but i haven’t opened the email yet

like i don’t want to be disappointed again for the second time today

i caught up on all of the physical releases of REAL though.. it was really good

volume 13 made me cry a lot

i’m glad i read it; it really makes me feel like i can keep walking

but even after reading it i’m putting off opening that email haha

[100dayswonder]

☆ 07. it’s september 10 2024

and I’m super tired! A lot has happened and I want to go to bed already but I just thought to myself that so much has happened this year!

I’ve done lots of things so far and it’s the last quarter of the year…

I hope that one of the things I’ll be able to do this year is fall out of love if it isn’t meant to be.

[100dayswonder]

☆ 06. it’s september 7 2024

and i just submitted the order for my sample plush ehehehe...

happy happy happy happyyyy!!! i was able to get it for FREE!!! .. all i had to pay was shipping.. but what's $30 compared to the $120 it would have been to get it produced?!!

i'm excited and I hope that it works out!!! my character designs are very simple which can be a double edged sword, but it's not like they've never produced a plush with short hair before so... it should be okay and i do get one (1) free adjustment... i wonder what the clothes will be like too ... i'm excited... i even started looking into clothing for 15cm plush dolls... is this what it's like to shop for a kid LOL

i will say though mm... to focus on positive and negative... well, i'll be telling leia about all of this later but i may as well write it down here too idk idk..............

it's like i love my friends but maybe my irritation is coming from us hanging outa little too much together lately? or i dunno

i can't help but feel lately that something's a little off?

it might just be a natural consequence of growing closer with some people, but to be honest some things do kind of put me off...

.. i was going to type more but i want to go to bed LOOOOL...

i actually went to lie down in the middle of typing this to rest for a little and felt my energy seeping away......

i've got stuff to do though... at the very least i should work for at least 20 or 30 more minutes...

[100dayswonder]

☆ 05. it’s september 6 2024

and the sky was pretty outside my window so i wanted to take a picture of it

[100dayswonder]

☆ 04. it’s september 6 2024

and i just finished reading volume 11 of takehiko inoue's real!

how should i put this. inouesensei's writing is like if he took a bat to the bump on your head and somehow flattened it out!

it hurts but your head doesn't have a bump anymore afterwards.

i didn't really like hisanobu at the beginning of the series at all and i don't think you're supposed to, but seeing him transfer himself from his regular wheelchair to the sports wheelchair had me crying and choking up for real!!

and then there was a bit more of nomiya's backstory, and seeing how well he played during the pro tryouts...

i'll probably have to go and commonplace later but everything about his scenes in this volume were really powerful.

seeing him on the ground after being knocked down by anzai, the question of what is despair? before the manga cuts back to him right after his motorcycle accident, seeing natsumi's body on the ground..

him picking himself up as you read the words this is called happiness like oooUGUGHH I WANTED TO CRY AND CRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

it's so good.. seriously so so good...

as someone who even until very recently felt like their life was ruined and destined to amount to nothing !!! who felt as if they ruined their life in an irreversible way--!!!

it's such an important piece of media to me...

i'm very happy to have started it...

there's actually a gap between volumes 11-15 that i have because leia actually bought me volume 15 and i only had up to volume 3 at the time haha...

but luckily viz restocked the missing volumes, which is why i'm trying very hard to collect them ASAP!!!

in case they go out of stock again...

just 3 more... if i get a good boost in sales i'll definitely pick them up.. or maybe once i get my first paycheck from my new job

[100dayswonder]

☆ 03. it’s september 6 2024

and i'm writing this as a small work break - which i deserve!! because i packed and shipped some orders today!

i do wish that the mail slot was a liiiitttle bigger though because if a customer orders a large quantity of items then i can't mail it through the mailbox and have to get it dropped off...

it's probably fine though because i do have to ship off some of leia's things that i got for her from july (and it's september now... oops..)

i've been miraculously productive today and it's only 16:30?!?! normally that's when i've been awake for like

2 hours LOOOL.... ..

that's not super something to be proud of but it's nice that i was able to get quite a lot done. in particular i wanted to reorganize my charms because it's frustratinggg!!! trying to pack orders and having to sift through all of my charm designs!!!

so i invested in a bead organizer except i didn't realize how small the compartments would be, but luckily you can remove some of the dividers to make more space so i was able to do that!!

it's a great visualizer for what i need to restock this upcoming month.. although thinking about my upcoming inventory order has me feeling sick to my stomach HAHAHA..... ha.

i just keep telling myself that it's alright to invest this much since technically i am going to be tabling again very soon and the event in question typically has good attendance!!

i'm trying to focus on beefing up on my paper goods as well so hopefully that'll help me phase out some of my acrylic goods... yes... we're a sticker shop now... i even invested in new mats which reminds me i did buy the wrong size mat, but i can just return them... nods.. it was a lazy mistake on my part really...

anyway on a more menial note things between me and my crush are kind of?!!! ... well i don't really know

but she still views my insta stories so i'm able to breathe something like a sigh of relief?? maybe... mm

it's odd because part of me is definitely still holding on but not in like a desperate way and another part is just like whatever! you have too much to worry about!! reconnecting can happen at any time, so focus on your work!!

which i've been doing. until now. well i'll get back to work in a second, i think i just needed a breather because i kind of inhaled an entire mug of black tea, then ordered a 24oz london fog to go with my ham and cheese croissant...

and then i'm having another sandwich for dinner...

after this cold completely clears i want to start exercising a little because i did gain a little weight (i don't weigh much to begin with but being two pounds over my usual has me concerned a bit..)

even then i've been wanting to exercise anyway because i'm getting older, so i need to be more proactive in taking care of my health!!!

[100dayswonder]

☆ 02. it’s september 6 2024

and i posted that previous entry and immediately started typing again because i was going to go to bed but then i was asked to print something out so i can't sleep quite yet

i guess i could talk about the real reason i wanted a space like this which was mostly to lament (?) over the state of my interpersonal affairs.......

specifically regarding relationships....

specifically regarding the crush that i had (... have?) on this one person who i'll call ana (for anaxyrus americanus because she told me at one point that she wanted to adopt toads) and the uncomfortable vibe around this one guy friend who i'll name specs.... yes

when it comes to anything on the internet it's best to exercise at least some layer of anonymity

i guess first with specs because he's actually easier to talk about in a way. i'll have to make up more aliases i realize, but specs is best friends with sky, who's married to my friend abel.

last year, specs developed a really intense crush on another one of our close friends leia, who also happens to be my cousin (which only really matters for later). it was ... interesting to say the least because they'd only really hung out on anything that might be considered a date maybe one or two times, but specs had convinced himself that he'd fallen in love with leia which made the fact that leia got into a relationship with someone else really... really awkward and specs didn't take it well at all (in a "he got really sad way" not in a "he got really scary way")

but after the leia debacle, he eventually moved on to develop a crush on me. which ... was odd because we'd only hung out together one on one once and it wasn't at all in a date context. in fact the outing was a movie i'd invited multiple friends to in a group chat and because it was last minute only one person (specs) happened to be able to make it out to see it that night

on top of that, i'm leia's cousin .. doesn't he feel embarrassed at all to randomly develop feelings for the person that rejected him (and not long after she did so either, at least in my opinion)

unlike with leia, however, i wasn't really able to turn specs down directly, as sky and his friends tried very hard to steer him away from me -- and it sort of worked in a bad way, where specs instead tried asking out another one of our friends who we'll call lisa .. and lisa also turned him down

and after that i'd assumed he was looking in other places, but as it turns out i found out just last weekend that he still has feelings for me!!!

normally i think this sort of thing would be no big deal for most people other than some awkwardness but...

specs knows i have a crush on ana

specs barely knows me

he may not know much about me but he knows i'm a lesbian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obviously knowing that won't change the fact that he has feelings for me BUT it is a little frustrating that he keeps making things weird because he refuses to even glance in a different direction and that i'm not allowed to outright reject him because everyone wants to let him off easier with me versus rehashing what happened with leia and lisa -- but he left them alone after they turned him down directly!!! i almost want to say just let it be my turn, please!!!!!!!!!!

it's frustrating and i'm sure that some would say that i'm being a little too harsh but abel vlogged some of our weekend and just looking back at past clips and interactions i'm being given the creeps and it also just reminds me of how specs wasn't upfront with his intentions with me during previous hangout invitations (meaning that he invited me out with intentions of it being a date, while letting me assume that he was inviting me out as a friend)!!!

i just...

AAARRUGUGGUHGHHHH--!!!

anyway this was mostly about specs and not so much about my own crush on ana because i'm getting tired and really would like to lie down as soon as possible but my behavior versus specs' behavior... it really hammers home the fact that i really don't know about relationships like that, even if i currently (?) have a crush on someone

i've always been a person who's okay with being single. i think it's because i don't like to chase very much. or maybe it's moreso fear of being rejected, and accepting that never expressing how i feel is less difficult than dealing with being rejected.

but even then, it's kind of like... i don't really know how i'm supposed to express those sorts of feelings.

like it can't always be as convenient as just bringing your crush aside and saying, hey, I like you.

and there's the friendship factor to consider.

like look at specs. i don't want anything to do with that guy right now because i know he has feelings for me.

i worried about that with me and ana i guess.

it doesn't help that i'm very openly into girls and i don't even know if ana likes girls that way either.. even though i got a tarot reading that said she was looking at me in a romantic way LOOOOOOL....................................... look "accuracy" in a reading depends on how well a reader can interpret cards and this reader is very good at it..

i don't know.

i'll save my thoughts regarding all of that for a different entry because it's later than i'd like for it to be and i really want to sleep.........

this cold is actually kind of balancing out my sleep schedule, but overall it just makes me want to sleep...

[100dayswonder]

☆ 01. it's september 6 2024

and i have no idea what i'm doing!! none! it's funny because for a long time i've been told i'm really good at writing but when it comes to writing things like this i'm always at a complete loss

since this blog is for me, it really doesn't matter at all, but i think that it would be horrible to look back years .. or even months.. or weeks.. or even days later and be like wow !! you really don't know what you're talking about!

i think it's because i don't read other peoples blog entries or anything like that .. as far as "formal" blog entries... i know they're supposed to go something like, "today i made toast for breakfast and ate it with butter and green tea. then i went to go get the mail and a letter i'd been waiting for finally arrived!"

.. or something like that

except today i didn't have toast for breakfast, i skipped it and made instant ramen with two eggs and finished all the eggs but not all of the noodles.

i also didn't have green tea. i treated myself to a little black tea with maple syrup and two spoonfuls of sugar (i should have kept it at one)

and then i did go to check the mail eventually but there was absolutely nothing in the mailbox so it felt like a waste especially because today's weather was... kind of eehh?!?! like it wasn't as wet and rainy but it was still kind of wet...

and when it's wet there are bugs out..

anyway i guess that's the most i can really super talk about for this first entry... my classes started again and it was a hassle to get my materials voucher code but i did end up getting it... i submitted my assignment and that was mostly what i wanted to get done today and it was kind of pathetic that it took me so long but i'm sick i don't want to do ANYTHING!!

so i can safely say i "did a good job" even if i can't proudly say it

hopefully there are more interesting things to talk about in the future.. i actually have quite a bit i could talk about that happened in recent history and quite a bit coming up that i have marked down in my calendar.. it's actually been so much this year that it's enough to make my head spin..

in fact TWO friends invited me out in the weekend after next and i haven't decided if i want to go out... because i've just been around people for so long it feels...

at the end of the day i really am an introvert with a limited social battery because as much fun as i had i really do feel like maybe i'm a little worn out with it all..

even a single day where i could comfortably do nothing in bed until about 16:00 would be ideal but as an adult with responsibilities you really can't afford to do that so i have to eke out some sort of task before the end of the day or else i really can't rest at all (even if i'm sick).. as it is, i'm still not productive in the right areas but i keep telling myself tomorrow! tomorrow you'll be stronger and you'll be able to knock out your work in about 5 hours max!

... i'm sure that if you collected all of the minutes i worked and stitched them together, it might amount to 5 hours.. but i'd really prefer it if those 5 hours were consecutive, you know?

anyway i really do feel like crawling into bed and setting up as much of this blog as i did in my current state is honestly pretty miraculous and worthy of an early (for me) bed time, but if i wind up returning to write some more then that's okay too ✨

[100dayswonder]

★ 00. INTRODUCTION

hello my name is ru and this is my virtual diary!

i probably have absolutely nothing interesting to talk about, and this blog is primarily for myself, but if you happen to catch my posts hello!! i hope you enjoy your stay ✨

entry log ☆ picture entry ☆ commonplace