1053r10v3r

[1053r10v3r]

when I think of jazz I think of you

I think of home

I think of the way the notes flowed and bounced off the seats of my grandmas car

I think of the way jazz flowed out of your lips and and the way it lit up your eyes

But I also think of the pain you brought me

How the notes no longer feel like warmth

Now the notes burn my heart, mind, and body

I hate jazz now

[1053r10v3r]

I’m so obsessed with the purple and green rings that surround my knees. I push them hard whenever they’re seen. They litter my elbows and shins every week as if it was routine.

I’m some masochistic way, I like the pain. I like the aesthetic they help me maintain. There’s a sense of mystery to them that I can’t seem to explain.

They remind me of my hatred. My hatred for myself that I’ve created. The hatred that burns me sweetly. They help show the world that I know how terrible of a person I am. I know I need to be punished. The black and purple tattoos are the marks of a sinner.

[1053r10v3r]

I don’t know how to stop loving

I don’t understand how people stop loving each other

Because no matter what anyone does to me,

They can make me cry

Make me sad

Make me feel bad about myself

Make me hate myself

Make me hurt myself

I will still love them

My heart will ache for them

I internalize their words and reciprocate love back to them

I cant help it

Maybe it’s pathetic

Maybe I let people walk all over me

But I just can’t stop loving

[1053r10v3r]

am I telling myself to like him?

or do I actually like him?

[1053r10v3r]

how do you overcome self hatred?

My mind is consumed with the factual evidence of my own incompetence and mistakes. I replay moments over and over, criticizing myself for every misstep. Why would I do that? Am I a bad person? What defines a good person? I can't be a good person anymore, not after my mistakes for they are too great. I don't deserve the people in my life, they are too good compared to me. It is embarrassing to be see in the same light as them because they are amazing people and I am nothing. I am nothing but a mistake. I am only filled with mistakes. How can I ever fix this?

[1053r10v3r]

[1053r10v3r]

The mind is easily persuaded

Think this

Remember it this way

You’re not wrong

You were right

The body, not so much

The lies seep

They run deep through your veins and in your heart

Their poison is acidic and burns

The pain does not go away with a distraction

It manifests in illness and spills out from your mouth

It buries its cold black tar into the crevices of your mind and spirit

It cannot be hidden

Everyone sees the decaying carcass embossed in the shell of a human that remains on the outside

[1053r10v3r]

I think when I make mistakes, I find solace knowing that no one will ever hate me the way I hate myself. At the end of the day I’m the one who has to live with my decisions and isn’t that the worst punishment?

[1053r10v3r]

I think something that I realized is that my friends will never be my friends. They do not belong to me. My friend group is unique in that it seems like they are all apart of a club that i will never understand. It’s like everyone is in on some inside joke that, no matter what I do, I will never understand. And there’s nothing I can do about it. At the end of the day, they will chose each other and i will be left on the outside. But it’s not their fault I can’t make them feel guilty about something that is out of anyones control, it’s just the way things are. There are just somethings that will always keep me from being one of them. It’s like there’s a glass wall that separates us, though I can see through, I can hear them, I’ll never touch them. For all of them are on the other side. I can appreciate the view and listen to them and be there for them but not in the way that they do for each other. I don’t know how to solve this. If I were to ever tell them, it would just make them feel bad. If I were to tell them to stop, it would be erasing who they are. So what do I do? How do I cope with this wall? Do I ignore it? Pretend like I am on the same side? Or should I walk away. Find the people on my side. Because if I forget this walk exists, it can’t hurt me.

[1053r10v3r]

I try to fill the void in my heart with a million meaningless connections. Because maybe if I think that a million people love me, I’ll forget about the only one that I want.

[1053r10v3r]

can I rly say that we were thinking of each other at the same time

if I was thinking of you all day

and you just happened to reply now?

[1053r10v3r]

Sue Zhao really said

“I think I wait for people to hurt me” she said quietly “and when they do I feel a certain smugness at being right. And, after that, I just feel pain”

and expected mE NOT TO GO APESHIT AT THE ACCURACY

[1053r10v3r]

:)

[1053r10v3r]

the feminine kick and scream and fuzzie feelings >>>

[1053r10v3r]

dirty mirror dirty hair

[1053r10v3r]

the snow fell in my hair

it kissed your coffin like the way my tears kissed my cheek

my lip quivers and a frown possesses my face

I didn’t know it would hurt this bad

The cold air pierces my skin and burns through my gloves

But this cold is not unfamiliar

It is not the worst pain

For the real brisk winter lies in my heart

It’s black emptiness is one that is only felt after a loss

A loss of an immense amount

A loss that con only be explained in one word

Grief

Grief fills my heart now without you

I am inconsolable without you

I never knew I would see the world without you

But now it will be all I know

But as I stand there,

the snowflakes melt on my eyelashes

It’s a bit beautiful

It frosts the pink of the roses and tickles my nose

And I realize that I hear life, I feel life

I feel the life you gave

I feel the family that you made

The coldness of my heart begins to thaw,

The memory of you comforts me and warms the hallow cabin of my heart

I think of your smile and of your laughter and I can’t help but smile

I’ll treasure you

I’ll keep you here alive in me

I’ll keep you somewhere I know you’ll always be, here with me

[1053r10v3r]

you don’t have to love me,

just hold me