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I finally am realizing there has been alot i have been bottling up with my friends and I realized I am so closed off bc every time I say something about my emotions they say “ youre being dramatic” or “youre too sensitive” well Last night I realized thats most likely why I don’t share  my emotions with them. I thought the disconnect with them was because  of nate but now im really still feeling the disconnect Im not sure why. 

I think I have ALOT of anger held up against them and I have been pushing these emotions and feelings away from them and ignoring them because It gives me too much of a pit to even deal with so I push theses feelings to the back. But now I am SO ready to just let these feelings go im not sure  how to do so but I think talking to Lauren will help today. I really feel like all of my anxiety and emotions always start with thinking about friends or thinking about what they have said to me in the past theres so many little small things that Have bothered me that causes me to believe that I am not even close with them.. Im not really sure if there even is anything wrong but I most definately am not happy with this living situation. 

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WOW. Today is one of those days that I HATE EVERYONE. I’m so annoyed with everyone and I just want to crawl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. I really wish I had ALL Friday’s off because FUCK EVERYONE.

only 3 hours until I can GTFO of This workplace and take a lunch. After Lunch I only have 3.5 hours before I can go home. I literally hate this yard. 

I hate everyone, My parents are coming this weekend and I AM NOT here fore it. I dont like when they come I feel like I can’t just enjoy my weekend and relax. I want to just fucking have 1 moment to hangout and do nothing. 

But seriousy I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I have saturday night but im going to be stressed the whole fucking time because I have to see my parents the next fucking day. and after that I have a full week of fucking work so i really don’t have ANY time for myself. 

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N E E D T O C H A N G E  M Y S E L F

I really want to improve myself- not for the sake of others but for my own mental sanity. Here is a list of PERSONAL things I would like to work on. 

1. My weight - I want to loose 30lbs.

2. My skin- I want my acne to dissapear and to be tan.

3. My hair- HEALTHIER and LONGER! 

My goal is for APRIL to complete all of the above.

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Work

Yesterday in therapy we dug up some emotions about work that I truly never knew I had. I’m not sure if Am just lazy or I genuinely do not like my profession but here is an outline of what we discovered: 

- The feeling that I am not smart enough for my profession.

I think this is because I never trust my clinical judgement and truly I am NEVER wrong when it comes to diagnosing someone. However at my current job I know I am the brightest bulb because of who I work for. 

- The feeling that I am doing my job wrong. 

I usually feel this way because there is no physical direct supervisor here telling me yes or no- I constantly do not have reassurance that I am doing this job correctly. I have people in my region and I guess I can call them but I think I need to see how other people are doing their jobs. 

I always worry that I am not doing enough or I am not doing as much as I am contracted todo- I worry that the supervisors and people around me or talking about me saying that I am not doing my job right or worse they'll complain about me to a supervisors. 

-The awkwardness. 

Seeing that I am the only female working with all men it is quite hard to determine boundary lines without coming off looking/feeling that I am dumb. the world I am currently in is a “Man’s world” and it is very hard to fit in. 

Lets face it I’m 5ft tall with blonde hair who has a joking sense of personality however I worry they are talking about me at all times. Its truly about respect and I worry that I don’t have the respect I want from everyone. Ways ago I don’t believe I presented myself with respect so thats how others treated me too. I worry that I am a joke to people here. 

-New setting

In this new setting I work 7-3 M/F, this is a HUGE change for me I am used to working TOO much however since I dont have any examples of how todo this job correctly I believe that I find myself sitting down doing nothing ALOT- This makes the day DREADFUL!!!!!!!  and the weeks drag by. 

Heres the reasons I DONT like my current Job:

1. A LOT of sitting around.

2. WAKING UP AT 5AM!!!!!

3.Working alone.

Here are Ideas to fix this: 

1. Find things todo throughout the day to make the day go by quicker- 

a. check in with supervisors 1-2x per day.

b.Leave for lunch

c.Go out on site visits

d.get up every 30 minutes. 

e.create new stretch plans

f.create/roll out programs

2. There’s NO way to fix this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. ALSO NO WAY TO FIX THIS :( UGHHH. Thursday’s- get lunch with karlee.Go out on site more often. 

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So really late last night nate and I broke up. honestly it was  my idea that sparked the conversation. I feel like he CONSTANTLY sends negative vibes because he hates his job, his apartment, his roommate and gets frustrated over all of that and CONSTANTLY complains. He also has  SO MANY health issues like arthritis and stomach problems and HE IS ALWAYS complaining about that. I feel like has has ALOT of things to do for himself that I had to back away from. his negativity essentially pushed me away to the point where i truly wasnt happy being in the relationship it felt like I was in a bad dream stuck in a world of depression and negativity. I feel horrible for not staying with him during this hard time but it was  SO mentally taxing on me it was affecting my mental state. ALSO- he was SO awkward in front of my friends I  felt so weird bringing him around bc he would just act quiet and uncomfortable and because of that it affected my attitude and personality. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING HOPE he can make all of these changes with his job and living situation and health FOR HIMSELF and then down the line him and i can revisit things I have a world of empathy for him and I  really do love him so much. but rn im going back an forth in my head with this I almost feel SO GUILTY that i did it because i know how much this is probably making him sad. it really sucks because he treated me like a legit queen he was always there for me like a guy has ever been. he was suppose to be my everything and he still is but i just really hope he can change so we can get back togther in the future.  

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Today I am feeling better than I did yesterday- I think that is because it was sunny out when I woke up. I really believe that when it is dark in the morning i am more depressed. The sun began to rise around 6:30 which is when I was leaving for work. 

This simple little change actually affected  my mood for the morning.

I also think that my work out last night played  A HUGE role into how I feel this morning. I’m actually VERY  excited to go to the gym today. 

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Am I A Good Clinician?

I feel like I’m not doing that great at my job. I question my clinical decision making most of the time. anytime that there is an injury I worry that people are going to judge me for not being smart enough or classify me as “that dumb, ditzy blond”. 

I worry that people here don’t take me seriously, I think that is because I am a 5 foot 23 y/o with blond hair. I have a very outgoing personality however I believe that sometimes I am not taken seriously in this profession. 

Overall- I never know if I am doing a good job or not. Because my boss is so far I truly never know if Iam making  the right decisions or not. 

Yesterday Someone broke their hand on the job- I clearly knew it was broken. I explained to him to go see A dr for an xray and he denied my offer. 

This morning he called to f/u I asked him to see the company nurse and told him that IF HIS PX WAS BAD HE SHOULD GO SEEK FURTHER MEDICAL CARE. however he did not follow my instruction.

The  nurse confirmed that IT WAS broken- so do I look like the idiot? I was the one who told him to SEE A DR. 

This is why I think I am not taken seriously here because  people look over my instruction. ---Do they talk about me when I am not around saying Im an idiot? 

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Day one

I think Its time for some personal growth and some changes. I once read that whenever you are experiencing a hard time, faced with a hard decision or going through a treacherous time that- You are growing. 

I am ready to leave the past in the past and learn from my mistakes. what mistakes am I referring to? well that is in the past therefore we don’t need to bring that  light to the surface. 

1. Stop cursing. 

2. DO NOT talk badly about other people-family, friends, co-workers. 

3.Do NOT act out of anger.

4. THINK before you speak- carefully pick the words you choose to use rather than speaking out of your rear. 

5.ONLY tell the truth. 

Of the multiple ideas that crossed my mind these 5 are the post  important right now. I believe that in every aspect of my life I am slacking and I am SERIOUSLY ready to do better. Lets start somewhere simple-

My Boyfriend: He is the BEST guy, he really treats me VERY well and always ensures that I am happy and feeling safe. 

+ It bothers me that He isn’t close with my friends so that is something that I will try to work on- bringing him around my friends and helping knock that fence down. 

My Friends: Recently I have felt very left out from my friend group and when I brought light to the situation they progressed to be some what better towards me. 

+ Try to be closer to them in the sense share more about my relationship and always be FUN.