12chapters365chances-blog

[12chapters365chances-blog]

Anxiety

Anxiety is a fucking bitch. (excuse my language) I am so sick of hearing what a burden I’m being or I’m being crazy or difficult. If anyone thinks this shit is a joke needs a reality check. Anxiety is a living hell every single day. It doesn’t just go away, I can’t just turn it off when I feel like it because believe me if I could, I’d never live like this another day and I sure wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. When the phone doesn’t ring this ball of pressure rises in my chest, just laying there, and then when it does ring with a number not saved in my phone my sense of security has disappeared. God forbid more than one text is sent and suddenly I’m crazy when in reality this disease is creeping into my brain and I can’t stop myself from thinking the worst. Anxiety is being scared to be in your own home when the doorbell rings or dropping change and fumbling for the keys when leaving the supermarket because you’re more than a million percent sure all eyes are on you. Anxiety is sitting up late because you can barely keep your eyes open and stop yawning the very second you place your head on a pillow your eyes are wide open so you sit up and bite your nails until there is nothing left and you pick at your body, your clothes, your hair, your face, you open and close Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Gmail, as if any new notifications will pop up since you only closed them five seconds ago but you are so unsure of what else to do. And the whole time your body and mind are screaming at you and you don’t know what to do .. nothing will silence it and your mind is going a million miles a second you can barely comprehend what is going on and that ball of anxiety that is just resting on your chest, like it’s a bear hibernating for winter refuses to move and won’t even budge for the slightest second. It’s being terrified to look to your left or your right when you’re at a stop light because oh dear God if someone would actually be looking back. It’s being to scared to go check the mail because though no neighbors are outside, they could be looking from windows and the constant need to check over your shoulder is more than you physically handle. It’s being tired 10 minutes after you’ve rested because the physical toll this bullshit takes on your body is crazy. Anxiety is blaring music in the kitchen at ten a.m. on a Sunday morning with a drink in your hand and trying to dance around the room like no one cares because well shit, if they don’t who tf does... It’s getting sent to voicemail and feeling like you’re being ignored and you’re just a burden. Anxiety is suffocating. It’s enough to constantly make you worried a heart attack is not far off and as you try to get yourself in check you only worry even more and you can literally feel years from your life floating away because you’re heart isn’t going to be able to beat this much harder for too many more years. Anxiety is ready to take your life because remember sweetie... you’re not anxious... you’re annoying, you’re a burden, you blow up phones, you overreact, and you are CRAZY!

[12chapters365chances-blog]

January 8, 2017

(Posted 1/9/2017)

So on the 8th my friend Nicole posted a video to my facebook wall. It was about we have to stop playing ourselves, is this really a new me for a new year and it made me think of what I posted the beginning of the year. And dude I’m looking at the date.. we are 8 days into the year and I’m bumming it like nobodies business! I’m mad at myself at this point. Some would say that it’s only a week but to me that’s an entire week wasted so ... NOW today is the 9th and guess what.. we getting it!!! “spring cleaning” my house today and then tomorrow it’s on.. why tomorrow? Because today is the day to get my mind right.. dusting, cleaning base boards, all that will only help my mind get right. For one, I won’t be sitting here tomorrow seeing that it needs done and two, it will help me see, clean house clean mind. <3 So here is for yesterday and today. It’s short and probably unimportant to you but it’s my own personal entry for myself.. (: 

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Addiction.

Addiction.  DrugAbuse.gov defines addiction as: Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive, or difficult to control, despite harmful consequences. 

I have to tell them, that they are wrong. Addiction is a heartbreaking, gut wrenching, uncontrollable, dishonest, disloyal, unkind, life stealing, disgusting, depressing, agonizing, terrifying death sentence dressed as the Devil in disguise. Until you have loved an addict, and I mean really love an addict, not just know one, you have no room to judge them, talk bad about them, dislike them, put them down, or think you know “what’s best” or that “they should just get help”. Addiction is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and you want to know the craziest thing? I’ve never tried a drug in my life. But I have been in love with an addict for almost half of my life. I have driven hundreds of miles to save an addict while he hid in the bathroom and shot up in a gas station while I was pumping gas, I’ve visited him in jail, wrote letters, kept money on his books and the phone for calls, I’ve picked him up upon his releases, I’ve taken him to and from work while he stayed in halfway houses, I watched his beautiful body detrioate before my very eyes, I’ve watched his eyes sink in, I’ve held him tight as his lips turned blue and his fever spiked and his body lay there helplessly shaking and sweating all at the time same while I stayed up all night scared he wouldn’t make it to morning. I’ve bailed him out countless times when he needed money that he claimed was for rent and went behind my back and shot up, I rescued him from the countless women he left me for because they were addicts themselves and in his scared and lonely state being with them and getting high was easier than being home and withdrawing. I’m 23 years old and I’ve spent more than a decade being madly, unbelievably, totally committed, and head over heels for an addict that might never wake up and be mine but I will never walk away. I’ve met this addict’s mother who was a kind, caring, generous, gentle, fun, loving, adventurous, shoulder to lean on and my God was she beautiful. She had this spirit about her that could change any situation to the best day you’ve ever had. She held my hand as I begged a police officer not to take my addict to jail on a warrant and told me it was best he got it over with because it was the only way he’d get clean. She met me at the hospital in the middle of the night when I had a fever of 105 and was barely able to talk, walk, or even function and in true mother style she yelled at me and got mad when I refused shots (as all mothers do, haha). I remember when she snuck me into the VFW, underage and told everyone I was her daughter-in-law. I watched as my baby had his eyes filled with joy because he was spending time with his mom, he never actually got a lot of time to do that and it breaks my heart to think of it because I saw the love they had for each other. She was beyond fun and she was very generous. She was light-hearted and from the very second I walked into her home she greeted me as if I were her own. She used to always talk about the addict and I having a baby and getting married. She saw the love in him that he had for me even though sometimes he didn’t. She saw the way he was around me. The love was always there, but his sickness was stronger. I will always remember the look in her eye. It sparkled and beamed brighter than any star in the night sky. She was a saint and now may she rest in peace as an angel. I wish she were still here to guide my baby along, to help him and be his hand to hold. Mommy Mel was just as much a mom to me as my own dear mother. <3 See, addicts aren’t just some crazy people who have a problem and are a problem. They are people with families, loved ones, and lives but somewhere, somehow, things went bad. My baby has a heart of pure gold, the feel of this fingers touching my skin makes me melt and the world disappears, the touch of his lips against mine are my only safe place, his hand in mine is the only place I’ve ever, in my entire life, felt like home... his eyes can pierce right through me and see straight into my soul, when he sings me to sleep I feel as if angels are surrounding me and it’s the most beautiful of lullabies... My baby is my entire world. We’re all just searching for a home, physical or emotional and baby I’m just trying to bring you home. 

Please know that me referring to him as “addict” does in NO way mean that’s all I think of him, I’m just keeping his identity private.

[12chapters365chances-blog]

Bucket List

I want to lose 50 pounds by December 2017

I want to be a law enforcement officer by December 2018

I want to sky dive and zip line in 2018

I want to take Aubree to Disney land by December 2019 

I want to move to Arizona by January 2021

I want to visit the love lock bridge in Paris and ride a double decker bus in London by Aubree’s 15th birthday (2029)

I want to go to Santorini, Greece with Aubree before she goes off to college (2033)

I want to visit Auschwitz at some point as well.. 

[12chapters365chances-blog]

You are your own roadblock.

I’ve heard so many times that the closer you are to your goal, the most likely you’ll feel like giving up. I must be damn close to becoming a law enforcement officer because lately I feel like the more I push, the thicker the wall is built and I’m just standing here, out of breath, pushing so hard and not getting anywhere and all I want to do it quite but at the same time, it is motivating me ten times more to push harder! My mind is my own road block. I’m not scared of being hurt on duty, I’m scared of messing up... I’m scared of being one of those cops your see plastered on social media, going viral because people think they know the law better than those who actually study it. I’m scared of being a joke. I’m scared of messing up at my job and being a failure. I’ve always wanted to join a branch in the military and I’m not scared of doing it.. I’m scared of being uncomfortable overseas, having no where to hide and being scared enough to get myself killed. I’m scared of traveling, not because of planes or new places but the fear of being LOST in new places and not being able to find my way home! My fears aren’t going out and getting my goals, it’s the “what happens next” when I get there. And as I’m writing I’m realizing that this is crazy! I need to stop worrying about what happens next and what if and all of that nonsense and just dive. I can’t shake the fear, that will take time but as long as I keep remembering that there are people in this world who DO actually want you to succeed, I know that they will help me along the way. My fear of being an officer is messing up. I’m more than scared... it’s horrifying.. but I know those brothers and sisters in blue are here to bond together and help each other out. So maybe I just need to keep remembering that and move forward. It’s so weird that my title was in no way supposed to make me come to such a realization as I wrote but God works in mysterious ways. 

[12chapters365chances-blog]

Well, it’s January 4 2017 and I have already been  slacking. We are only four days in people and my blogging resolution has been slacking. Do you now see why I don’t make resolutions, haha! Well let me fill you in on what has been going on. On the second I was able to take a trip to Philly with these beautiful ladies pictured above! We were celebrating my girls 42nd birthday and we had such an amazing time. (Philly men.... let me tell you something ladies, the Lord BLESSED that city!!) Anyways... it was my first time at King of Prussia and we had a good time that ended with quite an interesting meal at the Cheesecake Factory. Luckily the night ended with no arrest record but that’s not to say we didn’t come close, haha. Regardless my day was amazing! As for the 3rd and today (the 4th) ... well I didn’t do much of anything..! I have laid around for the past two days with Rylez and we have just been hanging out having fun.. eating and watching movies. We did do a little shopping with some XMAS gift cards today but nothing too much. (We’re boring people.) Today’s blog isn’t very exciting.. but this isn’t only for those reading; it’s for myself, to recap my entire year and make me look back at the end to remember all that I’m grateful for and all the amazing times I’ve had whether it be out and about or at home veggin with the people I care about. So how about everyone else’s new year? How have the past 4 days of your “new year new me” been going? It’s late now.. late enough for me to start blogging about January 5! So I’m going to end this one.. #Goodnight 

[12chapters365chances-blog]

January 1, 2017; Just Another Day

Good morning everyone. It’s officially the new year. And how did mine start off? A “happy new years” text from my ex. Ha, not today Satan!! Most of you are probably still sleeping, hungover from last night’s festivities. I, on the other hand, was in bed by 10 last night so I woke up rather refreshed. As I said yesterday, today is just another day. I didn’t wake up different. I’m still me. Every single flaw, every single dimple in my thigh (probably more since I had cookies for breakfast), every single goal in my head lined up but not nearly accomplished. But today is going to be a good day regardless. Why? Because this (get ready for the cliche) the first page of 365 that are going to change my life. I know people say that every single year but allow me to explain why this is different. I don’t expect things to change instantly like most of you do. I know that most of you wake up on the first day of the new year and expect your life to spin 360 degrees into a brighter day. The fact of the matter is, I’m not setting my goals for the now. I am taking the time to set myself up for whatever may come my way so that by the END of 2017, I will have completed everything, even if it takes up until 11:59 pm on December 31. So, today is filled with grocery shopping, taking down Christmas decorations, and cleaning up from the hot mess Toys R Us left in my living room on Christmas (I have a 2 year old so that mess should be self explanatory). As for the rest of you... I hope your headache clears, you get some food in your stomachs, and you don’t set your expectations too high because the downfall can be dramatic, if not traumatizing. Happy New Year everybody and remember to take everyday.. one day at a time. <3 

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2017. Every social media is plastered with the wrongs of last year, all claiming it’s coming to an end. All accounts are shouting a prophecy that 2017 will hold, the glory it will bring. But can we be honest? (Sorry for those of you who don’t like honesty...) January 1, 2017 is just another day. No, I’m not bah humbug and all of that nonsense but when are people going to get the grip on reality? It’s another glorious Sunday morning and for those of you who think you’re going to wake up with  a whole new attitude or as a new person, well let’s just say I wish you the best of luck. #DebbieDowner Change in attitude, personality, job/career, appearance, school, life and love takes time... So for those of you that CAN accept that, Welcome to 2017 and welcome to my page. I’m here to put a shake on things, send a massive earthquake through my own life. The last few years have been hell for me. Ha, who am I kidding? Hell is probably a paradise compared to my years. From my high school sweetheart landing in prison for homicide, a broken marriage from a cheating husband who tried to take my life, my love/best friend/side kick/right hand/rock battling a heroin addiction that would make most medical professionals question his still beating heart, my child’s father doing every thing in his power to rip every last piece of me to shreds and make me question my own self as well as existence, to my rape and assault, and lastly moving across the country just to have to come “home” to a place not a single person has wanted me. These past few years have been a fire burning around me and believe me, it is far from a slow flame. So here goes the cliche.. 2016 taught me that I am tough. I am not as strong as I thought back then but when broken down I can come and WILL come back ten times harder. I’m a fighter. In my mind I literally picture myself just standing before me, silver duct tape wrapped around my body, blood, sweat, dirt, and tears are strewn across my face and my clenched fists.. But none the less I am breathing and I am continuing to fight. My heart beats a little bit harder, a lot less easier to hear but it’s beat is strong. 2016 also taught me that I am to remain quiet. Watch your back at ALL times and never let your guard down because people aren’t here to care, they are here to lurk and spread information to the next listening ear. I’ve learned that friends are the least likely to be trust worthy and “keep your enemies closer” is the most honest thing I’ve ever learned in my entire life. I have read that the second you feel like giving up is the exact moment all your hard work is about to pay off. So, here is to 2017, may January 1 just be another day but may 2017 as a whole be filled with 12 new chapters, filled with 365 pages to make this fight in me come out until I’m standing face to my face with my future, tears in my eyes because I’ve made it dammit.. I’m going to make it.