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It's been like seven years since I even looked at this feed. It's crazy how time flies and how people change. Or, more accurately, how your perceptions of people change. We were nineteen when we got married, and even then I knew that it was a mistake, but I thought that I could change how I felt. I thought that loving you hard enough would make up for all the faults. But time went on, and you showed your true self. You were lazy, selfish, manipulative, and a relentless gossip. You refused to take care of yourself, so I had to pick up the slack. I bent over backwards for you for years. I drove you to and from work every day, sacrificing sleep and social time to do so. I made every meal, cleaned up every mess, took care of every animal that you adopted despite my continued protestation. I listened to every bit of drivel and gossip about your co-workers, friends, and Facebook groups. I took you to the hospital and stayed with you for hours every time you landed yourself there through your complete and unending negligence of your own health.

And yet I was the bad guy? Because I had a short temper from constantly holding back what I really wanted to say? Because I was stoned all the time to hide from my feelings? Because I dove deeper and deeper into my role-playing group because it was the only escape I had from my hellish reality? I will be the first to admit that none of those were healthy coping mechanisms, but I saw no other way out. I had no home to return to, no support systems, no idea how to live life without you. So I carried on, despite your complete lack of Independence, despite you planning out our whole lives, children and all, without actually giving a shit what I thought.

And don't even get me started on kids. The fact that you kept your pregnancy and miscarriage a secret from me for nearly a year was cowardly and wrong. You robbed me of the chance to grieve, and you shattered my trust, though I wouldn't realize that until much later. How was I supposed to feel? I was fucking 19 years old. I didn't want a kid, and you knew that. But rather than tell me when it happened and giving me the chance to understand the situation and feel my emotions as they came, you dropped a bomb on me. When you told me you lost Jamie, my first reaction wasn't sadness, it was relief. But how could I possibly say that to you when you were so devastated? So what did I do? I swallowed that and gave you the support I thought you needed. And boy fucking howdy did you milk that for every single drop it was worth. I get that you wanted kids, and a miscarriage is a trauma that I will never understand as a man. But maybe you could have dealt with it better if you had any sort of ambition or goal in your life than pumping out a baby that you would have inevitably neglected and foisted responsibility onto me, just like all your pets.

And how did it all end? Did we find a way to see that we had lost where we started and didn't have the love for each other that we thought we had? Was there anything in those last months that wasn't a fucking travesty? No. You fucked my best friend -on Christmas Eve - and didn't tell me until we'd spent all of Christmas Day with your family, playing the happy couple we always were. Then, even better, you say you want an open relationship! Oh, wait, no, you opened with that! You fucked him, pretended like nothing happened, and came to ask my permission for something you already fucking did?? Fuck you. You absolute fucking coward. And then after everything crumbled and I asked you why you did it, you told me it was a "cry for help." Bullshit. A cry for help would have been talking to me. Sacking up and telling me that you don't want to be with me anymore. And I would have said the same. We hated each other for so long. We could have ended this in a way that traumatized neither of us. But that's not how it happened. And on the off chance that you see this one day, I am sorry for what I did that night. I have no excuse and I still regret it. Regardless of everything that happened, you didn't deserve that.

But I'll tell you what. Despite all the pain, despite all the resentment, despite all the lost friendships and the lost family, I'm glad things happened the way they did. I learned a lot about myself through all of this. I learned what I want and don't want, what I will and will not tolerate; I learned how to be happy with being alone, and how to recognize my codependent tendencies; I rediscovered my love for music, and I've found a life that Phil in 2019 could only have dreamt of. I have friends who see me and love me for who I am. I have a girlfriend who treats me like an actual person and not a slave. I have a band that I'm going to take over the damn world with. And I have a self image that I've lacked my whole life. I know myself, and I have to thank you for that. I only hope that you have grown as much as I have. I may never know if you have, and I'm fine with that. Seeing your face makes me nauseous, as I'm sure mine does to you. So please, live your best life. Have those kids you've always wanted. Raise them well. You deserve to live a better life than you had with me. I don't resent you anymore. I just want you to be as happy as I am.

And I know that last paragraph seems pretty phony after the novel I just wrote, but that was just the story from my point of view, with the feelings I had at the time. Like I said, I don't hate you. I just don't think about you much. And I'm much better for it.

Anyways, this has gone on far too long. I'm sorry to anybody who actually read through this shit. It's pretty rambly. I just had a lot of things come up when I found this blog again. This will probably be the last thing that ever shows up on this blog anyway, so yeah. Bye I guess.

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The Bummy LDR Giveaway!

Yay the Bummy LDR Couple Giveaway is finally here! This giveaway is to celebrate getting 1k followers and my new blog on WordPress ^-^

I’ll be giving away this cute little travel purse where you can put your accessories, makeup, etc.

I’ll also be giving away this leather notebook that says, “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page” at the front

To enter you must:

Be following me (I’ll be checking!)

Reblog this post. You can reblog this post as many times as you want (Likes don’t count!)

Also, you must be okay with giving me your address!

BONUS ENTRY- You can get another entry into the giveaway if you:

Follow me on WordPress

Reblog my giveaway post on Wordpress

So, if you follow me both on Tumblr and Wordpress and reblog each of the the giveaway posts on both of those sites, you get two entries into the giveaway!

GIVEAWAY ENDS NOVEMBER 30

Happy reblogging! And also, I want to thank you all for being so kind and supportive of my LDR. The LDR community here is amazing!

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Oh how I love this man. ❤ #maybrides #marriage #younglove #connellconnection (at Bower Ponds)

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Mikelle & Kacen

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90 Day LDR Challenge!

Day 58: What makes you feel better about the distance when you’re down about it?

That one day it’ll be over. I keep thinking to myself that 3 years of distance seems like a really long time now, but in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years...it’ll be nothing.

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90 Day LDR Challenge!

Day 57: What is the most important thing in a relationship to you?

LDR or not, it has to be commitment. If you don’t have that, you’re doomed.

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90 Day LDR Challenge

Day 56: Do you watch the same television shows? Which ones? Have you watched them together, or would you like to?

We actually met through Doctor Who! Strange, isn’t it? We’ve watched many episodes together, and plan to watch so many more! 

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 55: What is the most interesting thing your partner has ever told you?

That I remind him of his Dad!

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 54: Is there anything you regret in this relationship?

Not being born in California. 

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 53: Have you ever talked about your past together? How did that go?

My past is a huge part of my relationships. So, begrudgingly, I had to tell Phil about my ex about a month into our relationship, after he saw me having a nightmare a few minutes prior to our talk. 

It went so well, and I’m so thankful for it.

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 52: What’s the longest phone/video call you’ve ever had?

Just a little over 24 hours, I think! 

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 51: What are your biggest fears in this relationship?

That something will go wrong with the visa. 

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 50: What is your and his favorite movie?

Shrek the Musical. Not even joking right now.

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90 Days LDR Challenge!

Day 49: What are some positive impacts you feel distance has made on your relationship?

It’s helped us treasure the time we have together, and it’s helped us to be independent. It teaches us to love, trust, and communicate.