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19950228 · 5 years

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2019 is a Difficult Year

i loathe my father.

sometimes, i wish he could leave us first.

i know this isn’t right but talking to him just never works and all this time, i always use the same old method which is minimising conversation at all cost. we see and value things differently. i was and am never right in his eyes. i could tell he hates me too.

today we had a huge fight. a really huge one, in a supposedly pleasant day since it is eid fitr. i knew i took part in the wrong too, that’s why i came up to him to apologise first. but he refused me. told me he would never forgive me unless i am going back to the right path. i must have looked like a deadly satan to him. maybe i am. since i don’t have a heart like how everyone says.

but right then,

i’m half relieved half disappointed.

relieved because it’s his same old response, disappointed because he never really try to see the bigger picture as in why i have the same problem since i was young.

in my culture,

talking back to the elder is considered as a sin. i have problem controlling mine so it always seems like i am very disrespectful towards people, especially my father whom i often talked back to.

dear father, do you think i do it as a hobby?

no.. i do it because i think it isn’t right to be quiet when something goes wrong. i do it because i think it is right to point out the wrong doings.

father,

to be quite honest,

my patience grows thin upon you. i am sure you’re tired to see this behaviour of mine too.

all i want, is for you to listen.. just this once.. instead of wanting to be listened.

i keep telling myself, it’s your first time being a parents so i should stay low instead of growing a resentment toward you. every harsh words you use, i keep telling myself you never mean it.

but today,

after you told me you don’t wish to see me as your daughter anymore..

father,

i admit i am not entirely right, i admit sometimes i am in the dark too, but whatever you think of me, is a huge misunderstanding i don’t wish to change either.

until you‘re willing to listen, i don’t wish to explain anything.

it is heartbreaking when you said it, but i’m not gonna hate you blindedly. i’ll wait. no matter how long it takes.

i’m sorry i’m not the kind of daughter you expected to be, i’m one of the kind you happen to hate most.

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19950228 · 7 years

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Fear.

Expressing myself has always been the hardest thing to do. Even when I start writing this, I keep erasing the words I’ve put into a complete sentence in the past five hours. To be honest about my own problem and open up to myself, have never been easy.

People either say I endure things well, or I’m too stiff for everyone’s liking. Truth is, I’m just slow. I always come to realisation quite late, simply because I often don’t even know how to cope up with myself. Yes, I have difficulty understanding my mind. Whenever I’m facing problems, I distract myself with something else in hope I would calm down and get over it. I know what to do. I know the right thing to do. I know the steps. But it’s never easy to apply it to myself.

Acceptance is the key, yet I never seem to accept myself enough in order to get through the obstacles I’ve encountered in my life.

I never run away from problems, I just love to escape for a while until I’m fully composed. That is me, seeking for distraction so I can get a grip of myself. Yet by the time I’m collected, there’s nothing to share. Which is why I never tell people about my problem until it’s solved. But then I realise, it’s nowhere near good on me. What if I can’t get through it? What if I can’t calm myself? What if demons come to take over my mind?

These thoughts to be honest, scare me. I know I have to reach out when I’m drowning, but it’s not easy to speak about it. Or maybe I’m just not comfortable talking about my problems.

Majority of my posts here did explain it though. It’s mostly filled with complaints or despair thoughts, because I use this platform as diary. I’m trying to let it out, at least.

Through this, I would like to give myself the chance of reflection. I would like to fuse the scattered pieces into a complete puzzle.

I’m going to start from things that have been budging me for years.

Two years ago, I started having nightmares even when both my eyes were open. Senior students have started to apply for internship in companies and so did I. The other students have remarkable achievements stated in their academic record, except me. All of my friends were involved in student organisations as permanent member while I was always a mere temporary one. I never liked to bind myself but apparently company gives you additional credit if you’re an active student. Well, who doesn’t know that? I, too, was once an active student. I volunteered as committee for big events, I led a team several times, I created something unrelated to my major, but it’s never equal to what other students did, because most the things I’ve done were not recorded. I might never say this out loud, but at that moment, I was scared of how higher-ups would treat me differently.

I eventually get through it, but another obstacle comes in my way. I got to experience working in big, reputable company for two months. Located in the heart of capital city, I finally got a glimpse of reality. From the outside, everything looked sophisticated, with everyone dresses in fancy clothes while living an extravagant lifestyle, but all I feel was lonely. I thought to myself, “Do I have to be like them once I graduate from uni?”

While I was working on thesis too, I do realise I took times longer than my peers. I let all of these negativity ruining myself.

“So what will happen after graduation?”

“Are my parents proud of me?”

“Do I live up to their expectations until now?”

And so these thoughts prolong my graduation because I was too scared of moving forward.

I do whatever I can to ease the tension within myself by spoiling myself. Fragrance has always been a great method to calm down so I often lit up scented candles in my room. I start hugging blanket or plushies to sleep and would tire myself every night just to get some rest. I went on a lot of traveling to ease myself. I spent money on concerts because the vibe actually boosted my energy. I was happy for a while, but the fear keeps coming back. I realise I’m not happy.

I eventually graduated in the end. But then what? I intended to get a full scholarship just like what my friends mostly do. I thought I need to pursue master degree because it’s essential to my life. I passed the language exam, but in the end I gave up the actual test before even trying because I was too scared of failure. For once again, I freeze on the spot. Pathetic uh?

Everyone told me, “ask your rich parents to pay your tuition” and my own parents actually added, “we’ll fund you while we’re capable to support you”

But no one understands my feeling. I know they have more than enough to fund me, but I also know they already hold up much bigger loads in their shoulders so it doesn’t feel right for me to keep asking.

I, too, want to stand on my own feet. Close friends already know I often restrained myself in a lot of things. I do whatever it takes to get some approval. Often, I’d choose the more difficult path because taking the easy one won’t get me to anywhere. My mind has been trained for that. I’d rather call it as an attempt to prove that I’m capable to be independent and to gain some acknowledgment from my parents. Or maybe, I’m so lost that I do everything in order to find my own happiness.

February 2017 was the hardest time for me. Especially because I went through what they call as ‘Birthday Blue’.

I remember the night before my birthday I slept with Mom, I was sobbing in my sleep. Despite having her sleeping next to me, I felt lonely. I had all negative questions running inside my head. I asked myself questions like,

“Is there anyone who even love me?”

“Do I deserve to be loved?”

“Am I a filial daughter to my parents? Am I a good example to my brother?”

For the first time, I experienced a terrible sorrow. It’s like someone hit my chest so hard, it was suffocating to breathe. I went through a great despair of feeling lonely. I felt like, I’m all alone in this battle and everybody have left me. I turned off my phone. I shut myself from everyone, I didn’t want them to find me, and I spent the day crying. It was my birthday, but I felt horrible. Only sadness clouding my heart. I only began to calm down once the day shifted from February 28 to March 1. It could have been worse, I swear, if I wouldn’t be able to reach out my own sanity I would have thought of way to end my pain. In relief, I didn’t go that far but indeed I wasn’t happy.

I realised I’ve been stressed by the burden of being the first born in family who’s running a family business. My parents expect a lot from me as the first successor. They want a filial daughter with good manner and excellent brain who’s mature and beautiful all the time. They want me to set a good example but I’m not even there yet. Their daughter has yet to become someone tough and as pathetic as it sounds, is still single when most her peers already off to their new journey.

People say I have an easy life because everything is settled for me. Even when I joined the bandwagon of job employment, everyone goes “if I were you, I’d cling to my parents who already provide me with business to run” or “you’re already so lucky what are you trying to seek from these?”.

Easy for you to say, because you never been in my shoes before. People just don’t get it, do they? I wanted to see how high I can jump without anyone’s help. I wanted to challenge myself with something I haven’t experienced before. Not everything is about money. Just think of this as an attempt for self-improvement. I’ve always felt small and insecure about myself so it’s only natural how I want to be someone more in order to gain some confidence.

Later in the future, or soon, I will have to replace my parents in the business. Which means, I need to communicate well with people from all range. Little did they know, I actually have fear of crowd. I feel so uncomfortable to be put under the spotlight. It’d be easy if people don’t mind me but my position is at the top where everyone can see. I don’t like being watched. I can feel everyone’s stare wherever I walk. People never know, because I usually hide it with laughters. To be honest, I dislike the feeling. Everyone always look at my direction like they’re ready to swallow me down. I know it only happened inside my head, but I’ve met more people who wished me to fail or people who approached me with suspicious intention rather than people who sincerely wanted to support and accept me for who I am. Somehow, it left me a scar. I can’t fix it but I can try different things to make myself better but once again, it’s not that easy to overcome your own fear.

I never admit I’m a perfectionist, I would refer myself as melancholic instead, someone perfectionist who takes time to move forward because she weights everything into consideration. Which means, I’m plain a boring individual.

I admit it’s in my fault for being all difficult to open up. I bottle things up. I don’t express myself properly. My parents would always tell me to do this and that when in fact, I already know where I’m heading. I just keep everything to myself because I don’t want people, especially my parents, to think I’m not capable to handle this all.

I stress out often, but to call it depression is a little crossing the line. I wouldn’t count my hair loss, premature graying, memory loss, as well as lose in appetite as the symptoms because I don’t want to call myself weak. I know I’m stronger than myself because I endure things well without antidepressants. I’m doing just fine.

It’s easy providing comfort to others, especially when people only expect you to listen, but at the end of day, I also need some comfort to myself. Not in the form of sweet words, but warm smile and hug would do. Small encouragement would also do. I like when people compliment me for the efforts I did. I like it when they told me I did well. I desire to live a life where I could genuinely smile patched the entire day. I think that is my definition of feeling happy.

But I’m not gonna lie.

I’m growing tired of the pressure of eldest daughter, or mid-life crisis in general. Sometimes it’s so toxic that without guidance of God, I wouldn’t have make it till today. But I won’t stop my journey to find happiness. If someone asks me what I want right now, the answer is to feel happy, genuinely happy.

In the end, I can’t possibly talk about my issue to any friend but I’m leaving this here as closure of my mind in 2017. Lol

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19950228 · 7 years

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How long has it been since we first met, again? Hmm five years? Less or more lah yah, nduk. I don't remember the exact date we got closer but I did remember how we clicked right away because of your bright personality got me open up at ease ehehehe I have nothing to say, tbh. We're now at the stage of friendship where we don't say anything but will understand whatever that is, I believe. Don't you think? Ya gak sihhhh? We may not spend many times together ever since graduation because of each own priorities but one thing hasn't change, I'm always right here for you. Gak gampang loh masuk top prioritas orang, wah?!?! Hallo??? wahahaha but really though, you are in my top priorities :) You know I'm suck at texting so do call me whenever you like, I may ignore many other texts and calls but definitely not yours mmkay lol Aaaaaack- I can't believe you're off to Malaysia akhir bulannn. Aku baru sadar kalo kangen wawah gabisa langsung nyamperin ke Surabaya tapi harus terbang jauh-jauh ke Malaysia. Hnggg :( /I felt a pang in my chest when I typed this I swear lol nyesek sehh lapo yah :( /But save the drama for later 'cause I want you to promise a couple of things while you're away for the time being :) 1. Promise me you'll eat and sleep well. You're only studying there, not working too so I assume you'll have plenty time to have proper meals and enough time to rest every day. If I hear you sick I'll be mad. 2. Promise me to take care of yourself well. Go explore many places but know your limits. Study well, get those perfect GPAs!!! Don't be an embarrassment, ok? wqwqwq 3. Get yourself a lot of friends but NEVER EVER replace my position :) 4. GET A MAAAAAN. THE ONE WITH SEXY BRAIN, an intellectual man who suits your liking, just so you can be motivated to live on lol 5. Call home at least once a day, don't make your parents and brother worry of you.. It is already difficult for them to send away their only daughter for two years.. 6. Start doing your report for our upcoming meet up! You have to list down many many many interesting things and achievements so that only means you need to start living at your most, so we can cherish it together in our Annual Review later in 2018 ♥️♥️♥️ exciting, right? AKU GA SABAAAAR LOHHH hehehee So have fun in adulting! I know it's hard not to stress out sometimes but let's only live happily from now on, 'kay? Let's live at our most! Happy Birthday to You, gendukku ♥️ Till I see you again~

#niswah

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19950228 · 7 years

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He just turned half century yesterday. Dad is now fifty years old and I have so much to say about it, and most of it was about how apologetic I felt towards him. I haven't been able to treat him well.. I know well he's completely different than Mom who has a lot of expressions. In opposite of her, Dad has difficulty in expressing himself. He has no problem in conversing with people 'cause Dad is a total chatterbox I could never beat him, and Mom, seriously. But, there are times when I just caught him going through that. Few days ago, I caught him crouching in front of the shoe rack with a blank face. He didn't even realise I was right next to him and it wasn't even the first time he's in similar state. Being a leader must have been terribly tough for him.. No matter how much I help to lift the loads in his shoulders it seems like it will never be enough. He's different than Mom who wept out whenever being pressured, or spilled out about her problems, Dad is a total opposite where he'd just blankly stare at the ceiling, lost in deep thoughts all night long. He complains a lot about trivial things but I realised he almost never complain about his anything else. When I was in high school, I often got upset because he never drove me to school and only cared about works; yet he never say anything when I open up to Mom more than him. When I was in uni, he visited my room every night because he misses me. Mom would tell me the next day over a phone call, he'd be lowkey ask how I'm doing through her without asking me directly. So last month, when we realised his birthday was coming up, thought we never throw him a proper birthday party, we decided to have one this year. I had it often, so did Mom and Bro, only Dad haven't. I got him a cute birthday cake and he later received 6 other more from our employees so 7 cakes in total and a lot more candles to blow this year, which I'm very grateful of. Dad seemed flustered, probably because he never had a lively celebration like that, someone even brought confetti and it was hilariously chaotic lol Being surrounded by so many people like yesterday, I just want him to know.. about how much we all actually care and love him. My old man, I knew you grew white hairs but yesterday I only realised how much you've aged.. I'm sorry I haven't been a perfect daughter to you.. I talked back, argued so much, and often lectured you.. I know it's totally improper for me to did that but I hope you know I did because I'm sick of people taking advantage of your kind heart thus I bark often.. Confessing this directly to you is embarrassing so I chicken out and put this in my blog instead. You'll never get to read it but please know, deep down I do care about you so much. Happy Birthday, Dad. I'll be good to you forever, though I can't ever show it properly but I will. Sincerely, your daughter who is equally suck at expressing her feelings kekeke Love you Dad 😘

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19950228 · 7 years

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I’ve heard a lot that I’m such a picky person. Be it to people I engage with, foods I eat, places I go, or simply things I pay attention to. Yet just because I’m picky, doesn’t mean everything I chose were right. After all it is only a matter of personal taste. Just like how I often trapped in a confusing relationship with someone, I realised it is due to the way I evaluate them at first. I treat people like book, the more exciting to read them, the more I’m willing to know them better. But well, ain’t everybody like that? Often I’m being ignorant to strangers who I thought were too easy to read, because it feels like I’m reading a book with cliché story line that has predictable endings, while the truth is, they can be someone different. I don’t like it vanilla, yet I don’t like people overdid it. Difficult, eh? So then I ended up choosing difficult books and became frustrated along the way. Like that, I’m easily attracted with people with unreadable expression and behaviour. Y'know problem solving game? It is similar. It strives me hard to gather all the scattered pieces of clue so I can put it all together then study it with ease. Apart from my taste for people with intellectual mind, unreadable people are somehow so appealing for me. I guess that’s how I end up involved in many complicated relationships. It all didn’t end up so well. Either I lost my interest to read more, or I didn’t get a satisfying ending, because they failed in giving what I looked for. I guess I’m just suck at choosing the right genre of my reading? Lol

or simply ‘cause I expected too much when I shouldn’t have done that..

or I should have been more accepting and to not be so picky about it..

Idk, I’m just suck.

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19950228 · 7 years

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Confused Little Mind

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blue. What’s new eh? It got me thinking, what is actually happening right now? I go to bed early yet I still feel so sleepy. I slept more than 5 hours but the dark circle under my eyes are not going anywhere. Then it hits me again. “ah, I must be going through that again”

I realise, whenever I’m under these state, time runs out so fast and by the time I get the hold of myself, everything changes in a blink of eyes.

Am I someone who can’t live under pressure? I’m starting to have doubt inside of me. I eat well, I sleep well, I have no problem communicating with others too but why do I feel so disorganised inside?

Often people say “can you talk slowly” “can you slow down a little” but I’m a slow learner, deep down there. I’m sure my colleagues went through the same phase as me but why was I trapped here longer?

It is so frustrating.. and what’s worse is I’m all alone.

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19950228 · 7 years

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Archived; Midnight Wonders, Silly.

A friend told me she never really want to give me advice because she said I already know the-know-how and also because she's afraid she would end up 'misleading' me. Funny because I don't share the same idea so I asked then she said, "Girl like you, growing up in a very conservative family and often pressing yourself to your limit, I'm afraid I'd press the wrong button then mislead you" Oh. Shoot. I must be that transparent for her to see right through me. She went on a story about her friend who ended up ruining herself with a bad-boy. Lol So I asked again, "Do you think I'd do that?!" "Possibly." Her words got me thinking though, for how I often aimed for an Alpha male but actually got distracted to a free-spirited guy quite easily (Mind how bad boy and free spirited are two different things with no synergy, okay) I do find free-spirited people quite charming. No, scratch that, they're INDEED charming. Those who get to live their life as they wish, always bring their positive vibes everywhere they go, always on their best condition for how bright they are. I like keeping myself near them, for how warm they are I wish I can live like that too I wouldn't have nothing to worry about once I get to live like that Someday somewhere in the future

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19950228 · 7 years

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Easier said than done, isn't it the concept of life. You can give the most humble suggestion to others but can never properly apply it to yourself. Often I chose not to look around because I'm afraid of the outcomes, I'm too scared of how it'd impact me. Hence I always try to focus on myself. But not tonight. I look around, I start comparing, and again I ruin myself that easy in a split second. I always try to console myself and I'm sure I was doing okay, until I realised I'm not. All these time, I've only been blurring my visions. I haven't fully accept myself for who I am. How can I go up if I can't make peace with my mind?

#beengettingslumpagain

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19950228 · 7 years

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I wish my cool friends live near me so when weekend approaches I can simply call them and set up some high quality meet-ups we can discuss how to rule the world together in a small coffee shop till late isn't it cool

They'all live at least 40km away from me I hate y'all

#slumphitmehardagain

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19950228 · 7 years

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Self-reflection.

Tonight I decided to force myself into writing again. I keep getting this writer block, I have everything structured inside my mind, listed from A to Z, but I can’t put it into a proper post. Sigh. Let’s just screw everything and push it beyond my limit.

2017, Graduation, and A Super Early Midlife Crisis

For the first time in forever, I cried over a phone call with two of my best-friends. It was during my birthday this year, February 28. I remember bailing my eyes out so hard, the thing I would least likely to do in front of people. I mentioned my worries about my parents to them but weeks after, I realised it is way beyond that. My mind is still in disorganised state right now. First, I got my bachelor degree four months ago and still unemployed. Second, I still haven’t done any effort about that current situation. Third, I feel like a ticking-time bomb ready to blow up anytime soon. Everything is so fast-paced and I lost myself on track. I need a moment to regain myself back, but time keeps running and only now I realised, I gave myself a break more than necessary. It’s time to stand up in line again, I know.

(someone is so wonderful he asked himself a couple of pretty basic questions I can’t even think before so i’m going to reflect myself based on his post here lol)

Up until now, I haven’t actually have a proper personal mission in my life. It’s no longer a secret how I ended up studying my major solely because of my parents’ request. I didn’t have courage to chose my own path, going down the route of interior design, or pick up civil engineering degree as my dead end. I love my major though, the economic and business problem solving is fun. I get to think with numbers too from my previous concentration in finance. But recently, yeah, I got sort of identity crisis about it. One thing for sure, my mission is to live a life being myself but still able to ‘satisfy’ my parents. Two opposite things I would like to decode on a different post haha

Have others respect me and Have I respect myself the way I should do?

Err, idk and no. I get this alot about how I sound so menacing sometimes. My parents’ employees are usually scared to approach me because I only talk if necessary and rarely joke around, unlike my brother who’s so easy to get on with. This applies to my relatives too, I’ve been isolating myself to only realise (again) super late about how I can’t list down any name on close relative of mine. So I’m not so sure? My friends depicted me as a goofy person. I did joke a lot, I invest 80% myself in receh jokes. Any close friends of mine would agree about these statement, but I guess I can just conclude myself as onion *you’ll only know about me if you dare to keep peeling my skin off haha* so back to the question, Have They? hmm.. idk, but I’m confident enough to say Yes for how people rarely disrespect me (since I tend to get so bitchy if they do).

On how I respect myself.. the answer is still big no.. I haven’t being the best version of myself, and I still haven’t respect my body (as in health) all these time since I still force myself until I’m nearly collapsed.

About meeting expectations I set and path to my preferred future..

Tbh, even if we all often told ourselves ‘let’s not expect too much’ we can’t help to desire high expectations, right?

I haven’t meet my expectation yet but I’m 99% positive I’m on the right path to my preferred future (1% is that other side of inner me who sometimes wanting to change route)

Upcoming plan of getting a master in UK

I asked myself these alot, ‘Must it be UK?’ ‘This is not some kind of trend you aim to follow, right?’ ‘Why can’t you do it here in Indonesia?’ ‘Just how prepared are you?’ ‘Are you ready for all the upcoming?’

I dreamed of living in UK, the beautiful accent is calling me ever since... years ago. Of course not about the trend, I set my own trend to myself. Of course I can do it here in Indonesia, but I will not be as developed as I desire and I had enough with the teaching system. Idk I’m getting tired of it. About being prepared, I think I do prepared but not ready for the upcoming (since you can’t forecast the abstract future haha) does that make any sense?! No, right haha

Truth to be told, it is not about studying overseas but more to how I need to progress myself by living independently far from my comfort zone. I’d like to challenge myself on being responsible. Gaining knowledge is my sole purpose in life, one I would never get tired of. Just like how I did my internship in Jakarta, far from hometown, living alone for two months in a city full of skyscrapers and surrounded by amazing people, it is intimidating, but it is the challenge i’d like to face to survive.

UK is just one of the few options, because Asia is near and I can’t improve my linguistic skills there, Aussie is simply because I don’t really prefer the weather and the major offered, USA has bunch of excellent business school but due to some specific individual reason I scratched it from the list, and the rest of Europe countries, might be the second best option after UK haha

Oh wow, I wrote a lot up until here.

I guess I should put this self-reflection time into consideration because it felt nice to pour down my frustration once in a while..

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19950228 · 7 years

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i can so relate to these. i always try to fully understand the information given to me ‘till its core and will think on how to solve it. i do realise i have that lecturing tone most of the time and i did feel guilty haha though when ppl say they only need me to listen, i’m so glad cs i don’t have to use my brain at all lol its tiring.

i do get easily frustrated omg why. it’s not even my probs but to witness someone else refuse to fix their life is MORE frustrating. i wake up every morning with the guilty thoughts about failure in life yet you let yourself drown in unsolved mystery of your life and you thought that is acceptable? of course NO.

INTJs: Fabulous at giving advice. Will listen to you intently until they understand the situation fully and proceed to tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it. Their first priority is that the problem is solved resulting in your long-term happiness.

Also INTJs: Get easily frustrated with people who refuse to help themselves or look at their circumstance objectively. Cannot help people who are too emotionally fragile to recognize their own flaws. Believe strongly in self-improvement and so are infuriated by people who say “I can’t change the way I am, I just have to suffer with my characteristics, e.g. Too emotional, not cool, ignorant, etc.”

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19950228 · 7 years

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I'm gonna start writing here again. I spent too much of my leisure time lurking around Instagram and wrote bunch of nonsense diaries with long ass caption in my private account. I'm gonna put my thoughts here instead like how I used to do.

oh here we go again

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19950228 · 7 years

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if only life is just about nice early dinner with companions, or evening stroll under colourful trees, or self-recharge through flowers, amusement park, simple things that do wonder to your life. basically just.. live a fully happy life, far from people who can harm you.. but nay for that lol keep dreaming.

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19950228 · 8 years

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it all started from a casual conversation led to a deep one, another topic about ‘insecurity’ LOL~

we were again talking about how lacking we are in marketing ourselves. a friend told me, women are born competitive, was it true? cs i don’t feel that way, tho i’m more on the pulling side (yeah, pull myself from the crowd because i cannot bear the pressure) so rather than being competitive, i chose to shut myself completely, do not mind about joining the battle at all~

right. talking about marketing myself.. true tho. i have never properly done that before.

i always thought.. what’s the use? people gonna find your true self so why bother showing it off? then i realized.. no, people would never know unless you show it..

so..

this post will meant to be, introducing myself. writing this down so that later in the future in case i have lost identity again, i can easily tracking back by reading this all over. so this is clearly not a sign for someone out there, but merely just a small reminder about myself (or actually yes i will definitely show this to my other half in the future) ^^

hello, so.. hi. i’m awkward, clumsy, who smiles a lot. the more awkward the situation is, the more i smiled. so if you see me smiling it doesn’t mean i’m enjoying the vibe but i’m just shielding myself, again, like how i usually do. i’m great at blending myself, so don’t be surprised if i’m good at picking up topics for our conversations. i would talk alot, while smiling, or occasionally laughing. yes, that is why i’m rather a boring person, because i always follow your mood, not mine. i would never show my true self so don’t bother to dig about me. it takes time for me to adjust, or accept your presence so be patient. i’m an observant, yet very insensitive. so it’ll be quite difficult to guess my answer. because i’m good at hiding my feelings, you won’t see me groaning about my problems but instead, i might suddenly disappear out of blue for a while, but if you want to lure me back, don’t ask me questions but instead, just be there next to me, in case i need your shoulder to cry on, but never, ever ask before i initiated it first. the real me, is a very quiet person. but it doesn’t mean awkward, it’s because i’m comfortable enough to stay in silence with you. but again, don’t be surprised, if you win my heart, you’ll see how much entertaining i could be. i have terrible sense of humors so you’d see me dying from laughter over something, really funny, or something stupid you think doesn’t even make sense. when something captivated my interest, i will keep digging about it so be on alert. i might look creepy but when you got my trust, i hope you can keep it well because it’s not easy to open myself too, moreover accepting someone to enter, so be careful not to crash me.. i might appeared tough most of the time, since i like being independent, but you need to accompany me too when you have time. i’m not the type who voiced out my feelings 'cause i’m too scared to hurt yours instead, so ask. initiated it first. also last but not least, you’re either with me or you’re not. both friendship or relationship, i’m always seeking for commitment, so if you’re not up to a serious one, make it obvious so i won’t have to waste my time.

♡

what are these even...

#introduction

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