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just wanted to say that it’s unfair that i have to relive my traumas and that i have to live through my current traumas. that’s all.

[1inen]

Universal Love, Damien Hirst, 2001

household paint and butterflies on canvas

[1inen]

okay this hurted 🥴

don’t like to give myself hope but there could be something between us but i’m happy knowing that we share this closeness with each other and right now it’s enough

[1inen]

i think this might be my last post about e for a while. the mini heartbreaks of hearing his name or seeing her interact with his family on social media don’t hurt as much anymore. i haven’t heard from him since jan 14 and i haven’t reached out him either. he’s fighting himself in mexico and i hope he’s healing. i keep praying that he’ll come back to me. maybe he will maybe he won’t

i just want him safe and i hope the next time i see him i’ll be strong enough to be what he needs me to be in his life

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i had the worst jealousy dream about him last night and i hope it doesn’t set the tone for the rest of my day. i miss him

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also every new moon i’ve noticed i get really emotional thinking about E so this new moon cycle is about doing the work bc i can’t continue like this 🥴

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trying to focus on my classes this semester and like the fact that matt thinks i could pursue a phd related to chicanx studies is really motivating

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ran into his sister on wednesday and she shared not so great news and he’s in mex rn and i hope he’s healing

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i feel like the most FUCKED up person in this planet bc someone is falling in love with me and i cant do the same

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really glad i’m good friends with my chicanx profs. love matt! he’s like one of the most important male figures in my life! i thought for a sec i was gonna end up dating rigo 🤷🏽‍♀️ lmao might still happen but who knows. we normally just hang out and drink beer in his garage/studio. matt had his baby and i got them huaraches! can’t wait to give it to him :)

[1inen]

i hate when he texts me bc it really throws me off, like my whole day, bc then i can’t stop thinking about him and i’m checking my phone more often than i normally do and he doesn’t know that he still has this effect on me :/ and i’m getting anxiety bc my messages don’t show that they delivered and i want him to see them

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have to make my peace with everything that’s happened. one day i won’t feel the lump in my throat that forms every time i think about what could have been with E.

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on another note i still need to go to the river and have that big cry. E told me about the big cry he had in arcata by the beach with her. i hope it has the same affect on me. also i hope one of these i can block his number for good. i miss his beautiful family the most!

[1inen]

sometimes comfort doesn’t come easy during times like this but the idea of being a better mother to my children someday gives me an unexplainable feeling of happiness but also a profound sadness. i wish baby me would have had the emotional support she needed. i wish i could give her a hug and tell her that she’s loved despite what her parents make her feel. i wish i could tell her that she’s important

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my mom makes a lot of backhanded comments about me that really hurt and it feels like she does so more when i’m at my most emotional vulnerable and i can’t even begin to describe the amount of resentment i have towards her. one day i won’t be as angry about all of this but today i feel heavy

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as the end of the year draws nearer i’m reflecting on all of the moments that made up most of it and a lot of the good moments were spent with E and i didn’t think i’d be mourning them. had i known that the last time i kissed him would be my last i would have done it with more conviction. everything with more conviction. i miss him more than anything especially during times like this. i hope next year brings more healing bc i need it.

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if i’m right then we’ll end up together. how i always thought. even when i first met him. until then i’ll keep asking the moon for guidance and hope that she’ll lead me to where i’m supposed to be. in the end i hope she leads me back into his arms.