2005livejournal

[2005livejournal]

The first time we met you told me you moved to the US for a streaming job you feel stuck in, even though all you’ve ever wanted was to go to grad school. Then you went on about the pedagogy of education. Truth be told I didn’t understand what you were talking about, but I let you talk for hours and I still remember every detail even now because I was so attracted by your intellect. Then for years I watch you learn from the community and study the nature, and I was attracted by your compassion. I watch you get overlooked by male peers, and I was attracted by your grit. I watch you plant and cook proper foods even through your busiest days, and I was attracted by your patience. I watch you greet and be greeted by everyone in your neighborhood, and I was attracted by your openness. I watch you read countless journals late at night after a long day of juggling jobs, and I was attracted by your endless curiosity. Now I watch you graduate in your burgundy cape, and I’m simply attracted to how you stare into my eyes smiling, because we both know the idea of this very moment jumpstarted our relationship on the night we first met. Congratulations, my love, my fire, my honey on toast.

[2005livejournal]

All of my problems seem so small here. Feeling inadequate in the gender im performing seems like a mad up problem, these possible here would probably laugh at me if i ever said my problem out loud. How many people here do you think have experienced gender dysphoria? Or even questioned their gender in the first place

[2005livejournal]

please someone tell me i’d be a good mother. that she’d have my hair or my nose.

[2005livejournal]

i think what hurts me the most is that he tried to understand my depression. he tried to look at it in the eye. be kind to it. humanize it. put a heart in it. he tried to befriend something i’ve pushed down and away my entire life. something that has been very cruel to me, that has ruined a chance for me to live out, and love in. it felt like a betrayal. like you two weren’t supposed to meet each other.

i think he saw it as a part of me. he wanted to take care of my depression like how he took care of me. but i’ve always tried to separate myself from it, you know? you cut off a browning leaf from a potted plant. so i found it offensive when he looked through me and found it inside me.

[2005livejournal]

i haven’t felt any real emotions since last year

[2005livejournal]

like a sight you would see at woodstock, she flails her arms in the air. eyes closed so as to feel every beat on her eyelids. hair jumping around, letting the vibrations pass through every strand. feet spinning and hotly alternating like a game of the floor is lava.

[2005livejournal]

all of my friends have other friends. and they’re all good at something