20162019diary

[20162019diary]

20th December 2019

Everyone is so entitled. I’m having one of those days where I’m just grossed out by humans. All we do is criticise and destroy, to everything and everyone. Everyone thinks their opinion on a person or a song or an item of clothing matters and is correct. It’s quite repulsive.

I don’t want to be like that, I was to be better not just for the sake of myself but the environment, animals and others around. This could also come across as extremely entitled but I’m just tired. I’m tired of white people not giving a shit, I’m tired of old people not giving a shit, I’m tired of middle class people not giving a shit. Why don’t they care about anyone?

I don’t know which is worse, the ones who actively show they don’t care or the one’s who say nothing while it happens because they “don’t understand” or they don’t like the anger and hostility it causes. I want to say the one who just say nothing because they’re cowards and that’s just a whole new level of not caring. At least the ones who are actively arseholes are stand up for what they think is right, even if it is damaging to millions. I’m just so sick of white people who are passive about everything. Grow a back bone, at least speak out once. We live in a time where I think politics is so important and there’s never been a more obvious gap in my lifetime between what some would say “good and evil”

I guess I’m just really feeling anger after the election, I feel let down by so many people. I feel like my human rights have been attacked. Not having a strong political view is just privileged at it’s finest. You’re so lucky that you don’t have to worry too much about the outcome or even bother looking into what it’s all about.

I’m bitter, I’m upset, I’m angry. Everyone just goes back to their lives talking about pointless shit that doesn’t matter like their favourite band or their dry love lives with some directionless white boy or dull as hell girl. I’ve had enough.

The saddest part about it is, although, I’m vocal about how I feel, I don’t do anything. I’m just as bad. I’m going to try my hardest to be pro active because this stuff matters to me, more than anything.

Anyone who isn’t filled who anger or any similar emotion is disgusting

[20162019diary]

17th December 2019

My tarot said someone from my past would get I contact with me and they did and I entertained for a while but they were gross and patronising so I’m stopping it now. Not taking that into the new year

[20162019diary]

16th December 2019

Do I try out something I’m not that into in hopes that I’ll grow to like it or wait until I’m really into it

[20162019diary]

12th December 2019

I’m so nervous for today

[20162019diary]

10th December 2019

I feel fine for the most part, it’s when I have to wake up at 5am in the morning and I feel a deep feeling of bad. I can’t describe what the feeling is but every memory that I have feeling bad and I feel like I’m in a bad place. Like I’m temporarily feeling, feelings from a part of me in a different place. Like I’m a drug addict, jobless, homeless and alone and I’m looking back at me life. That’s what it feels like. I don’t know whether that’s my inner self telling me I’m sad or whether it’s just my Brain adjusting when I wake up early.

I need to do some shadow work and figure it out

[20162019diary]

9th December 2019

I just looked at Emily’s tumblr and she posted a picture of her and this girl. She looked really happy and it made me smile. Is this moving on

[20162019diary]

I need to stop being jealous of others and look at what i have. I think jealously is my worst trait, it leads to all my other emotional problems. From being jealous of those with two parents, those who have high paying jobs, those who travel, those in love. I will get there and it’ll be when I’m suppose to get there. Stop being jealous, relax

[20162019diary]

I also need to stop putting so much energy on finding love and just let it be. I need to focus on my career and happiness, the people already in my life

[20162019diary]

7th December 2019

Doing good rn

[20162019diary]

People love presenting opinions as facts and belittling people who don’t share the same opinion as them

[20162019diary]

3rd December 2019

I’m horny like all the time, I don’t think it’s healthy

[20162019diary]

When I think about all my daydreams it’s not even about anyone else. It’s always about me being happy and successful and that what I truly want

[20162019diary]

Stop being a victim

Put energy on myself

Love shamelessly

Don’t be afraid

[20162019diary]

Goals in 2020 (also starting now)

Don’t chase anyone for attention but also don’t get sad that no one is giving you attention when you ignore the people who do.

People open and honest

Be more intimate in a not sexual way

Be more productive learn how to drive

Continue to say yes to things

Have fun

Don’t doubt yourself

Love yourself

Dont hate on yourself when you do something wrong. Own it, apologise and move on

[20162019diary]

2nd December 2019

Woke up feeling painfully sad

[20162019diary]

26th November 2019

I’ve been talking a lot of crap over the 5 months on here. I think that’s what comes with a break up of any kind.

How do I truly feel about the situation? When I look deep inside myself, I’m sad. I thought Emily and Leah would be my friends for life and it’s heartbreaking that I’ll not be in their lives anymore. They are both good and beautiful people inside and out.

The truth is, I lost myself so deeply and painfully in the friendship. Not because of them but because I was so depressed and lost and hopeless. To see them be true to them and not have a clue who I was, was difficult.

I lost myself because I thought I couldn’t express myself, in case my problems were to much for them. That was both mine and their fault and that’s one of the biggest downfalls if not the biggest. This is just something I still find hard to let go of. Just thinking about it makes me mad to this day. In stead of telling Emily how bad she had hurt me and how insignificant she made me feel, I bottled it up. I bottled it up because I didn’t think I had the right to be upset because she was as well. I thought if I tell her she’s just going to throw it back in my face like before and say I made her feel the same or worse.

I wish so much that i could let it go but it’s honestly one of the painful things anyone has ever said to me and I let it sit there and build up over a year which resulted in me hitting her. I also wish for the life of me I had just an ounce of memory of doing it. She didn’t deserve that and I feel so sad knowing that I hurt her physically and emotionally.

I wish Leah would had heard my side, not so she’s still be my friend but just because she was meant to be my friend. I think us not being friends is for the best in the situation but I just would have liked to have a chance to explain before I was just cast away but honestly it’s what I deserved and she did the right thing

the end of the friendship had too many things for me to handle and I wish had gone about it a nicer less physical way but it ending was the best thing to happen. I was holding on for so long because I truly love the both of them but it just wasn’t healthy for me. You’re not supposed to sit with your friends and feel sad, your not supposed to look at them and feel annoyed. I was the problem because I couldn’t let go and move on, I became angry and bitter

Overall, I’m happy, I’m actually happier now, more confident, healthier and more mentally stable but I’ll always have that feeling there, I’ll always feel guilty but i refuse to see myself as a bad person because I’m not. I hope time passes and I’ll learn to let go of that resentment because it’s the last of the unhealthiness

I genuinely hope that all four of them are happy and successful and find true love and peace because they deserve and I’ll always be thankful for everything they taught me over 7 years of friendship.

I want to stop thinking about it now. I need to stop reflecting and start letting go

[20162019diary]

I just saw a video of this girl who lives in a van and it’s inspired me. Not the live in a van but to be more creative with my living space and really make it somewhere I’m comfortable and happy. I think I’ve put off changing it for so long because I’ve been hoping to move out but with my business that’s not going to happen for a long time so I might as well get comfortable and to also be more independent and self sufficient