21yroldmeesh

[21yroldmeesh]

he didnt look at my snapstory today fuck 

LOOL 

i have been sad

but ok we didnt talk for two weeks i need to relax LOL we met for one day so why am i in love with him LOOOL 

ok 

i was gonna ask him to visit 8/10 but him not checking my story really put things into perspective

you cant start a good relationship just on long distance 

that isnt going to work

so lets keep something that was awesome, wild, fun at that and just give up trying to make something else

[21yroldmeesh]

so like i know daniel has a new girl but it didn’t really bother me at all until she met his friends and the dogs including coco my baby hahaha

i’m sure people find it surprising that me and dan moved on so fast from our relationship but we’re both crazy and we just naturally bounce back pretty fast L O L 

i think one reason why i’m “moving on” quickly is because if you date as long as we did, you know that we have given it our all L O L and there’s really not much you can do 

also ugh jang is soooooooooooooooooooooo cute omgomgomgomg 

i have not talked to him for over 10 days but got damn i am still so infatuated with him 

i cannot stop thinking about him 

so there are couple things i can do

i can learn from my one day encounter with jang that it’s not impossible for me to connect with someone and just know that a connection exists out there for me 

or try to get with him

fudge L O L he’s so cute omg this guy goes working out at 10 pm 11 pm multiple times a week like how hot is that holy crap LOOL he motivates me to get skinny

my other plan is to just send him a snap and let him know i want him to visit 

[21yroldmeesh]

i am going to NY as soon as i graduate 

that is happening

[21yroldmeesh]

honestly, he’s super cute

it’s the weirdest thing

guy who drove me to va #1, my first and last hook up #2 

guy #1 pros: mature, makes money, determined, not lazy, good with his words(not too sure if pro or con), sensitive

guy #1 cons: thirsty aka gets interested in mad girls, intense, overwhelming, not my type, friend material

guy #2 pros: cute, hot, hilarious, fun, exciting, gives me butterflies, genuine, kind hearted, got a past, cares about family

guy#2 cons: not focused on his future, smokes cigs, weed, likes to go out (but then again last 3 are whatever), gets around with girls prob (but its something im also interested in cause i like my men more selective with who they actually like not just go for anyone they can get) 

i mean my thing with guy #1 is over. i havent responded to his snaps in days. my thing with guy #2 is over because well yeah it just is. 

im just thinking about these two cause from being involved with these two different guys i realized im either really immature or mature. i think i realized i’m all about that “connection” you get with someone rather than all the paper stuff like how much money is he making, his lifestyle etc etc why am i always just focused on the connection and butterflies? it can be good or bad. good because im focused on the chemistry and the person rather than superficial things like money but bad because i should not allow myself to connect with people like guy#2 right? guy#2 is pretty bomb doe.

[21yroldmeesh]

do you turn something beautiful into a tragedy by trying and trying

or just leave something beautiful before it can get ugly

[21yroldmeesh]

it sucks cause as we age, we just develop so much more baggage and doesn’t it end up making us settle? 

[21yroldmeesh]

back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L 

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience.  i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later 

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL 

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point. 

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now. 

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l 

and hes like a super big gentleman 

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted. 

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that. 

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs 

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21

[21yroldmeesh]

no bad days

got a new hat that says “no bad days” because as a person who is prone to spiraling out of control emotionally, a constant reminder is needed

i do love life 

i get really sad sometimes. it’s in my nature, and frankly, there’s a huge genetic component to it. 

but i really do appreciate life and see all its glory and beauty. i’m going to make it. 

[21yroldmeesh]

ty

last week, i googled something pretty silly. i googled “how do handle anniversary dates after getting back together”

this silly technicality has been on my mind since i realized our 4 year anniversary was approaching. i felt a little insecure after seeing posts on social media poking fun at couples who have been on and off and celebrate their original anniversary dates. for people to think its foolish for daniel and i to celebrate our anniversary because we broke up for a total time span of less than three months, is...unfair. to not celebrate our long ass time together because of a brief period of difficulty is equivalent to telling us to ignore our over four years of history. i spent about twenty percent of my life with dan, and i don’t want to not appreciate our time together. not counting my little brother and my parents, there are only about four individuals who have actively been in my life as long as daniel has. sad but true. 

so, happy 4yrs bub

i love you soooooooooo darn much

ah, my heart semi almost exploded from saying i love you

..... i actually have so much love for you LOOL even though i ruin your life with my addiction for chocolate,ice cream and mood swings. i hope you know that even when i’m telling you “i hate you” and give up on our relationship so easily, it’s because i have so much self hatred for myself and i honestly believe you belong with someone better. but even when i’m fighting ya, i hope you know that really deep down, i cherish you :) like, whenever we watch shows and a boyfriend/husband figure dies, i turn to you and say “you better not die on me.” then, ten seconds later, i’m bawling because although what i said was a joke, after imagining a scenario of your death, i’m completely distraught. and then you freak out and go “ohmy” cause we would be having the best time ever and i’m sobbing

or like, 

i remember a month ago we went to pick up wings,street tacos from buffalo wild wings, and while we were waiting for our food, i just started bawling where everyone can see me because i saw your arms and hands, and they were scarred up from working. everyone prob thought you were an asshole and we were breaking up at bdubs.

i’m a tough girl to love, but thanks for loving me 

there are more things i want to say but i’m saving them for our vows since IMA PUT A RING ON IT 

jk i fucking hate you. we’re going to break up in september. cause i hate you. 

i bet you dont even love me 

jk. i actually hate you though

i know you hate my sense of humor 

happy 4 :) 

[21yroldmeesh]

treatyoself

i need to learn how to love myself fiercely. 

so that others can learn how to love me.

[21yroldmeesh]

given up, giving in

i’m losing parts of myself i’m terribly uncomfortable with losing. i’m not quite ready for this transition and i find this change very unpleasant. i remember the thought of helping animals used to fuel me so intensely. i was “that girl” who went on about shit people didn’t care about. i encouraged vegetarian diets, meatless mondays, begged people to adopt rather than shop, raised money for the dying elephants, a list of shit people were intentionally blocking out. 

i was ready to become a big cat conservationist in mexico. i was ready to forgo every relationship i had made, the possibility of giving birth to korean babies, and be thousands of miles away from my family. the thought of eating meat was disgusting, too horrendous, and even though i’ve failed countlessly, i didn’t give up. then, i got really discouraged and let myself go.

now i’m your average carnivore. im just your average selfish, unsympathetic joe. i willingly kill intelligent pigs who are happy with peacefully dirtying themselves up in mud(that’s why they are intelligent. they find joy in the littlest things. they dont take life too seriously), take away innocent baby cows from their mothers, and lately, i started to consider leather goods. all this for few pleasurable minutes. it’s selfish. 

i’m trying to figure out where along the road, i’ve became so detached. i’ve found that at least for me, growing old has become parallel with becoming grounded. i am no longer hopeful things can change. the michelle that strived to chase after idealism became fed up with the world, said a big “fuck it” and became part of the “so?” movement she desperately wanted to free herself from.

she’s given up on dreams and giving in to shitty reality and convenience. 

[21yroldmeesh]

shortcuts

i have always been a very self-aware individual and i take great pride in knowing who i really am. being self-aware is not synonymous with being self-absorbed. i spend an unhealthy amount of time reflecting and i am very familiar with my faults.

today however, self discovery never exactly ends since we’re continuously changing. i came across another fault i can add to my list. i don’t like working hard for things i want. when i do work hard, i work hard in creating shortcuts. and even when i do happen to achieve my goal, i hardly get anything out of it since i always do the bare minimum. 

[21yroldmeesh]

authenticity

i haven’t posted in three days because i want to be very honest with myself when writing here. i started this blog in hopes to find an outlet where i can effectively deal with my emotions and analyze the happenings in life. without honesty and openness, this blog would no longer serve its intended purpose. 

there is no doubt that i have facebook “friends” who are going to critique everything i write and attempt to create a negative spin on my unfinished, developing thoughts. to be frank, i even have actual friends who don’t wish the best for me out of various reasons. i don’t fear that people will negatively speak of my posts, but i do fear that because of that group of people i might find myself subconsciously rewriting and having a filter for what i discuss here. you being able to note the difference between the two is important to me.

so i hope three days was enough to get rid of eager readers with wrong intentions. but i hope it wasn’t enough to be forgotten by my friends and strangers with innocent curiosity.

[21yroldmeesh]

a haven where i can be me

i’m officially three weeks into the spring semester and honestly, i’m burning out. i don’t really do things i enjoy anymore. aside from interacting with people i live with, i don’t see anyone. i dont go out to eat with friends. i’ve stopped going to church. i can’t go to small group. i just don’t have enough hours in my days. and on rare days i’m not mentally drained from class, my job, stressing about exams, i just want to relax in bed with my dog while mindlessly watching tv shows/movies/dramas. 

i finished another exam this morning, went to class for two hours, finished my four hour shift at the lab, and by 4:40 i was home ecstatic about today being friday. i was ecstatic until 4:50 when i realized i had nothing to do... and no group of friends (other than housemates) to celebrate me overcoming this week. talked to my mom, she was happy for me so that was good to know (LOL)

then i got a lil lonely. then i started contemplating if i was enjoying life. then, more “then(s)” hit me one after another

at the end of it, i decided to start doing something that brings me a peace of mind. blogging and writing. and i’m no big eyed, bright personality, all-cool fashionista jenn im. i’m gonna blog about what i know best. myself &my journey, which is more boring.