2222etonto-blog - Tumblr blog

[2222etonto-blog]

2222 E TONTO Chandler, AZ 85249

DON’T LIVE LIKE ROYALTY – PAY LIKE ROYALTY

I super promise that the Zestimate is too low. A 305 s.f. addition completed a small but useless addition in Aug ‘17 and low-end features not taken into account by Zillow because they are not stupid and furthermore we really really need some money because we have multiple lawsuits from people we stole and screwed over. County Assessor (303-44-618) recent update is 4,193 total s.f. plus 450 s.f. climate-controlled storage which is just an attic with an extremely dangerous flimsy ladder where I used to manufacture a Class 1 narcotic illegally (at the risk of a felony if I got caught) just to make some quick cash. Not included in this listing is the 1/8 bathroom in the attic which is basically a plastic makeshift urinal that may or may not drain into the kitchen sink. This is the youngest (unverified) and most upgraded home in this HOA (and probably United States) but it is also the smallest lot and your neighbor will be a total jerk who caught us stealing money from him for years so we have to sell this house to pay off the money we pilfered as well as court costs. I also took commission from him in addition to the over $100,000 that was stolen from and then I forged his signature so I could steal a large insurance claim check but I haven’t been arrested yet so I assure you that no crime was committed. Close your eyes and imagine that the included pool rendering is real and you are basking in a luxurious oasis. Please be the first to view my home as it has been on the market for well over ten years and I double pinky swear promise that there are no recording devices in everyone that will listen in live when you are “privately” touring this beautiful home. I know it only appraises for 600k but that extra 200k that you pay won’t be wasted on my massive gambling and substance addictions. Do not be fooled by the several lower priced homes in the area that are way more custom than mine because they aren’t. It may appear that they have much bigger lots and pools and cool stuff but that is just about as real as the pictures of the pool in my tiny backyard.

NOT PRICED LIKE A SHORT SALE YET -IT’S OBO

This home is a Marc Allan original and only 2 are in existence. The other was never finished since my bitchy customer complained and sued me and I got our contractor’s license (ROC181941) suspended. It’s okay because we sued them and they overturned my contractor’s license suspension  (Arizona registrar of contractor’s license #181941) on a technicality. This home value will increase dramatically because of the litigation making it the only Marc Allan designed and “completed” home in existence. In full disclosure, the realtor is related to the owner/contractor who have been arrested 3 separate times at this home on domestic violence charges but we  were only handcuffed together and taken into a paddy wagon once. #romantic

800K – FIRM – OR OBO– PICK A PRICE

You may think we are wishy-washy because of the 25+ price changes since this home was first put on the market 10 years ago but we are positively firm on our price of $800,000 (Or Best Offer). We would like to show this home to anyone and we invite you to be our first but you will need to provide a bank statement proving that you have 800k OBO in the bank. We will also accept a letter from your mortgage company stating that they will approve a mortgage for 133% of the homes appraisal value. If you are like the other 99.99% of the country that can only get an 80% mortgage (lewzirs), then we will accept the combination of a bank mortgage approval for $500,000 with a bank statement proving that you have $300,000 in your account and we will need all account numbers, pin numbers, and your mothers maiden name so that we may verify funds before we will show you this highly overpriced property. It’s just that easy .

800K – NO WAY – OBO

I can feel my first sale as a realtor coming on real soon. I may lack experience but I have had several unauthorized listings I made without owner approval so that should count. I have been a licensed real estate agent for over 20 years and with this house on the market for 10+ years, I think I am due. Please, please, please buy my home!!!

P.S. If there are any creditors out there that have not sued me yet, I will not accept service at this address because it is costing me a fortune in legal bills.

NOW THAT’S AN HONEST HOME LISTING

DISCLAIMER:

This information was compiled through readily available public web information and combined with court records and signed affidavits.

This information should not be used to determine if you should purchase this home and only a licensed and experienced real estate agent is authorized to do so but I wouldn’t touch this dump with a 10 foot disinfected pole.

This was not authored by the listing agent Lisa Marie Veronica Priore Lamb-Carny Velut Allan but taken in part from public MLS listings. Please comment or call 802-328-7448 if I need to update any information provided on this post.