235andcounting

[235andcounting]

hella triggered lately and I know why I just can't stop it. im so tired of not being able to express myself because of my body. cant allow myself to wear the clothes I like or wear makeup or get piercings or tattoos. those are for attractive people, not me. and my brain tells me the only solution is to restrict. haven't had much of an appetite lately and im enjoying it. so fucked up. I dont know what happened to my body. I gained so much weight in such a short period of time but nothing changed about my lifestyle and my doctors say im healthy. why do I get stuck with this body. there are people who eat twice as much and are twice as thin as me. what the fuck

[235andcounting]

getting stuck in a cycle of having a good day and then wasting calories on dinner. would be so much easier if I didn't live with parents

[235andcounting]

water wight sucks. I cant handle the fluctuating I just want to see the number go DOWN

[235andcounting]

I dont realize how far I've relapsed until 800 cals becomes a "bad day" and im working out until I feel nauseous

[235andcounting]

its been a week and im just getting back to the perpetual feeling of being empty. so much easier to ignore. lost a lot, but im very overweight so its expected. definitely less bloated, so its probably a lot of water weight also

[235andcounting]

ate dinner, something my mother cooked, so I couldn't count the calories. the biggest thing for me tho was I didn't let myself finish the plate. I can never do that. thats some willpower I haven't had in a while

[235andcounting]

this AIT diet is so hard... in TRAINING??? WHERE.. I ate a little over 1000 today. and I felt like shittt. like you gotta be tougher than a marine to finish this

[235andcounting]

yesterday was above 800, but barely. getting closer. almost caved and at last night but I feel so much more satisfied this morning since I didnt.

[235andcounting]

The weekend was good. Ive definitely been eating less than I'm burning the past few days. But day 1 was a fail. I couldn't exactly count how many cals were in my dinner. And I'm already at 815 today so idk. its probably going to take a few days to get into the swing of things. Gonna try to not eat tonight

[235andcounting]

Starting this and going to hold myself accountable on here. Will officially start Monday but im still gonna aim for the weekend counts this weekend. Been going for so long on so many calories I might drop dead if I suddenly start restricting so heavy. Its just one month. You can do anything for just a month.

This feels so juvenile but its all I know

[235andcounting]

coming back to restricting after a while. Its just a change. I need to eat better for my health.

ultimately it always becomes restriction. obsessive. I cant help that it finally feels good to be in control again.

[235andcounting]

I miss being 130 and starving myself because I thought I was fat. no matter how much I hated myself and didn't think I deserved to eat, at least I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that people didn't look at me and think i was fat. i was objectively skinny. now when I feel all those things, I dont get that comfort. at 250 I know that the first thing people see when they look at me is my fat. I am a fat girl. and its not just to me anymore, its to everyone. it's an objective truth. that is so much more depressing.

[235andcounting]

everything seems to be harder at a higher weight. not just physically, but im so hesitant to even get a job because being perceived at this weight is embarrassing.

[235andcounting]

showered. its been like 6 days. sometimes im scared ill die tragically young but i dont think the odds are in my favor

[235andcounting]

my visit home was traumatic. big argument with my psycho qanon trump-loving mask-hating dad. i left and idk if i will go back. my family is upset about it. im such a reject. and ive been high and binging. not happening anymore. i got my smokes and my coke zero woohoo what else could u ask for

[235andcounting]

telllll me why i bought a new non-digital scale and it told me im higher than my starting weight

[235andcounting]

having a hard time with life. visiting home just reminds me of bad times. i feel like i accumulate so many small things i need to do daily and it all becomes overwhelming and i just ignore it all.

i dont even know what my long term goals are anymore. i dont know what i want and im totally lost. this isnt even about my weight, oddly, thats the one thing i can control.