23fallen

[23fallen]

i’m so disappointed in how my life is turning out. i am being treated terribly by the one person who is supposed to love me. i am being hated.

i didn’t do anything wrong.

i didnt do anything to deserve to be called a stupid fucking bitch.

i do not believe that i am being treated the way i should be.

this is not okay.

i am not okay.

i wouldn’t be so hurt but HE came up with these rules.

he came up with these rules!!!!!

he breaks them.

he uses words to hurt me, that is not okay.

that isn’t how anyone should be treated.

sometimes i wonder why he thinks it’s okay to talk to me like that.. why it’s okay to be so aggressive and rude? it doesn’t matter if you’re sick, i don’t deserve to be treated this way.

absolutely not.

[23fallen]

TITLE : but we never had one?

i don’t know why i’m even thinking about you. why i dreamt about you. why you won’t leave me alone, when i haven’t talked or even thought about you in SO long.

i’m obsessed with you? i don’t really want to be, but here we are.

i’m not obsessed in a crazy way. just “why do you subconsciously keep reappearing?” way.

you weren’t even my friend

you never made your move

i don’t even find you attractive and yet you pop up?

i don’t even know you anymore and yet i’m curious to know how you are?

i would never talk to you again though.. you mean nothing to me.

at least now.. you mean nothing to me.

back then, i was obsessed.

i wanted to be with you.

i wanted to be around you constantly.

but i honestly was so blind !!!!!

you never kissed me like i wanted.. and when you did you almost came in your pants.

you never gave me attention like i wanted, unless of course i was in a bikini.

you never even followed me on instagram.

you didnt tell your friends about me.

why am i even thinking about you?

i have a sexy as fuck husband and even more beautiful daughter.

i have someone who kisses me how i like.

i have someone who loves me how i like. how i need.

i have someone who gives me attention. i have someone who is my friend. my lover. my everything.

i do not need YOU.

i dont need to know what you are up to.

or how you are.

i really could care less about who you have become.

and im sorry. because you really deserve happiness… but i could care less.

[23fallen]

oh okay.. yeah

it gets worse :)

literally every time i see the light at the end of the tunnel.. i get shit faced.

DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE.

cool cool cool cool cool.

what do i do now?

lawyer.

okay, kinda got one?

[23fallen]

it’s been a while since i’ve said hello.

i’m sorry for only writing when things go bad.

it’s not all bad all the time. i promise!

i am happy to update that i’m feeling much happier than i’ve ever felt before.

i am starting to fall back in love with my husband,

with my life.

i am falling back in love with art, and reading and walking and listening.

i’m falling in love with who i am becoming. the person i’ve grown into.

i am so grateful for the downs and the ups and i am grateful that there are more ups.

feeling like the salt on the earth had more luck than me, was a phase.

i am a good person.

i know i am a good mom.

i know that i’m trying my best. i know that im not perfect.

this is my first time going through life, and i get to mess up. i get to say sorry. i get to learn from the big and the little.

i get to ask for better. and i expect better.

—

there have been moments where i wished i was dead, and i am so sorry to the girl who thought that not living was the better option.

i’m sorry to the girl who stared at the ceiling in fear.

the girl who thought about hiding under the bed, hoping to never be found.

the girl who thought driving and dying would be better.

the girl who had no where else to go.

the girl who was told she wasn’t a good mother or wife and a disappointment.

i’m so sorry to the girl who had to pull the knife away from the person she loved most.

i am so sorry to her.

because the truth is, life is short but you don’t have to make it shorter.

life is sucky, but you don’t have to stay with the sucky.

—

im getting my pink back. i am loving myself and my body and my baby.

my husband is making me fall more and more in love with him.

of who he is and who he wants to be.

i am so grateful for us.

im grateful for my body and how it has built the bestest friend and daughter i could ever ask for.

[23fallen]

i am a terrible wife and mother.

it’s been said time and time again.. no need to repeat it. it’s engraved in my brain.

i am starting to feel unimportant.

a waste.

am i really needed if im that terrible?

am i really making a difference?

i feel like a single mother.. but i don’t think that’s what other people see.

i know i’m a disappointment.

i know i’m a bad mother and wife.

i was probably never meant to be either of those things.

but now they can go on, and find someone new. someone who cares for them better than i do.

someone who knows how to please and how to mother.

i get it i do.. i wouldn’t want to choose me either.

i

am

not

worth

it.

i should be sitting in a little cell with my hands tied behind my back to they know how crazy i am. how angry i can become.

i just hope one day that, when i’m dead, people will stop and think about me— my life— and say “oh yeah she sucked. she was definitely not an angel, and did not let others live good lives. she was angry.”

crazy.

crazy

crrrraaaaaxzzzy.

[23fallen]

i might be falling out of love.

falling out of love because there’s no one there.

i am constantly alone.

constantly trying.

constantly crying.

i have no partner.

i have no husband.

he’s proved himself time and time again that i am the worst mother, yet—- i am capable of taking care of her all by myself for weeks on end.

for continued hours without delay.

i just want some sleep.

i want some alone time.

[23fallen]

sometimes i wonder how we fell in love.

it wasn’t super obvious that i would fall in love with him, but i am so unbelievably grateful that i did.

even though we’ve gone through a lot of shit i couldn’t imagine my life with someone else.

i am so grateful for him.

at the end of the day he is my best friend.

[23fallen]

the growing baby i feel is so strange

1 lb 1 oz

she’s getting big and i barley even know her

i am most excited to be with a little human that i grew and that is every part of me and she is him.

i am most nervous to find a way to stabilize my income and responsibilities with money.

i am most looking forward to going to the park with the dogs and juni under the sun

i am not looking forward to watching her get bigger and not needing me to help her as much.

i am unsure of what i will be doing with my career..

but i know ill have others to help me along the way.

[23fallen]

this is what it feels like to be happy

the dogs both cuddling each other, sleeping

listening to nothing but the fan circulating the air from outside into our home

the cats, one licking another, falling asleep as they relax in the sun that has come out behind the clouds

jimmy grading papers, quietly listening to his book of the month

myself reading a book that has been on my list for years that i’ve finally gotten into

the kitchen is clean

my clothes are piled on the bed

i am happy

in a few minutes, once he’s done grading a few more papers, we will listen to Juni’s heartbeat in our bedroom

we do this every week so we can make sure she is doing okay..

it’s getting brighter outside, but also colder.

fall.

that’s what happy is.

now i wish i had a pumpkin spice candle

[23fallen]

y’all ever get in your own head and feel like everything in your life is fake?

i can’t afford to live here.

i can’t live without the dependency on another human.

nothing i do is ever enough.

no one i come into contact truly cares about me.

i’m personally not a big fan of myself.

i make no difference in the world being here.

i can’t afford to live or leave or be my true self.

i get kicked out of everything i sorta feel like is my new home.

maybe i’ll be searching up cardboard box houses and making one under a bridge..

or i could pay for someone to transform the back of my truck into a home and i can try to live there.

i’ve thought about it before :)

or i could buy the trailer from jimmy and probably park it and live off of someone’s power.. ya know?

[23fallen]

i’m getting flash backs about my dads death.. 

its crazy how many memories fill up your mind that you’ve forgotten.

For example.... my dad died and a week later i was back in school like nothing happened. I had wished that people wouldn’t have even noticed that i was gone, but in reality i should’ve taken more than a week off. 

i’m pretty sure my mom mentioned seeing a counselor only once and then told us that there would be a school counselor that was meeting with us once a month. A SCHOOL counselor.. AHAHA what a joke. 

my dad died and then a week later we had a funeral. His casket was beautiful wood. My cousin Madieline was there and was my emotional support human for literally the whole day of my dad’s funeral. 

I remember my dad’s funeral was in the church that we went to and i remember the way he was displayed in the relief society room that i attended for YEARS after. Like what the fuck.. crazy.

I remember being so sad after and pretending to “see” him like in a vision. I had a bad feeling and cried a lot with my mom and aunt lesa.

I literally thought my head was gonna explode from how much i cried.

i was emotional, yes.

BUT i was emotionally DAMAGED.

I shouldn’t have waited until i was 18 to finally see a counselor. I should’ve (and my mom and family) should’ve been in family counseling TOGETHER. My mom never should’ve married bobby. my mom never should’ve met jort. and my mom never should’ve kept jackson as a baby. Literally a CHILD gave birth to him. ( NO OFFENSE MOM ). 

but MY life is a failure???

I didn’t have a kid at 20 years old. 

I didn’t have the father of my children die (yet that we know of)

I haven’t given my entire life away to some stranger that got his wife pregnant. (2X)

I haven’t gotten into thousands of dollars of debt from schooling, that i will never ever repay..

i have a clean house.

well cared for animals.

a healthy lifestyle with occasional daily treats.

I am happy.

I make a decent amount of money at 23.

I am a good person and i try to be a good girl friend.

so... yeah... 

but also fucking hate my job LOL. 

k bye.

[23fallen]

Somedays are just not worth it. 

I’ve recently discovered that i HATE my job. 

the one job where i’ve had so much fun and love and everything in the world just seemed so rIgHT.. well not anymore.

I’m at a loss because they pay me well, but i dont feel comfortable at work. I don’t feel like i have any friends and i’m really not happy there. 

I think its out of my comfort zone to work there. 

I want to go to work and not have my co workers hate me. or be annoying. or hurtful.

i want to go to work and WORK and go home. no extra emotional commitment. 

My boss is really just not doing any favors for herself either.. she shit talks a lot of people and in front of the entire staff.. its unprofessional and i dont know if she was just in a bad mood, or these are her true colors shining through. 

I also don’t know how to quit... Is there a button i push that says  “I QUIT”?? do i just send her a text? do I just let them know that i will no longer be coming to work and wish them the best of luck?... like i’m not sure what to do. 

Eventually there will be a time when i need to do it, and i’m hopeful that they will just be like “okay thanks for letting us know”.. idk.. who am i kidding.. i’ll probably just email them and say I cannot continue to work there. Take my THING and GOOOO.

***

I need a break emotionally.

i’m literally drowning (: which is not cool to say lol but is hilarious especially because i work in the pool. WATAAA.

[23fallen]

I Never know what's going on anymore. Are we fighting ? are we fine? 

Did we move too fast together?

Maybe this step was a mistake. Maybe everything we’ve been doing has been a terrible mistake in our timelines. 

Sometimes people meet and its great and they share their opportunities together.. but then over time they fade away. 

Over time they realize that it was working for awhile and now they don’t fit.

Do we fit?

or are we fighting?

I never know what's going on anymore.

I wake up and you’re here. I wake up and you’re gone. I wake up and you’re locked in a different room.

Maybe you’re right. I have no idea how to be in a companionship. That’s exactly why I had so many on my mission. That’s why I had so many before you. 

I don’t know how to be kind in the way you need me to be. I don’t know how to be clean in the way you need me to be. you need more and no matter how much i try or lack of trying, its just never enough for you. It’s not working anymore. It’s not working. it’s not working at all. 

you’ve made that clear.

no matter how many times.

i am never enough.

I’ve never been enough for anyone in my life.

not my parents, not my heavenly father. not you, not my siblings, not bat bat.

[23fallen]

SJ23

im just over stimulated or something. i don’t know what’s going on.

i sometimes wish that i could just drug myself or make my brain turn off.

cause that’s where i am.

instead of fixing anything or trying to make it better, i would rather die. i would rather be so numb that i can’t feel a thing than go through putting forth effort that won’t be reciprocated.

i don’t know.

i’m just having a hard night and i’m overwhelmed.

overwhelmed very much.

***

also i’m hurt and have been very hurt.

[23fallen]

SJu16

Its been a while since i felt the need to write on here.

oh how crazy life has been recently.. I am very blessed to be exactly where i am. i am grateful for the love i have and the beautiful struggles that come with it. i absolutely needed this love in my life. Whether it stays for a lifetime or not-- i am grateful.

i’ve started to feel like my love won't be a lifetime.

i’ve started to feel like i will be given up on and that all of my personality will be too much to rope.

am i too much? 

am i ever going to be enough?

i don’t see our relationship breaking anytime soon, but i also don't see it thriving right now. 

Nothing i do is right. Nothing i do is good.

nothing helps.

and when i do feel like i am somewhat doing great, I never feel like its enough.

I just wish that he was as sure as he was with his ex fiancé. i wish that our relationship felt like that. 

he wanted to marry her. he was going to marry her.

and now here we are.. we’ve been together for a long time, and nothing yet has even come about.

:( be nicer to me then i will marry you.

ok </3 then i guess that's just key for never. I am tired. I am lonely. I am sad as can be without the tears......

until next time.. 

[23fallen]

i haven’t thought about you in a while…

but i also think about you constantly.

i miss you basil.

i miss having 2 dogs.

in some ways it is easier to forget you, that way my heart doesn’t break with each thought i have… i miss my batman.

🤍 i miss my basil

[23fallen]

i’m sitting here staring at you,

waiting for your price to rise.

another cent,

another dollar,

what $5 has come to in America.

I respect the decision to ban buying from russian oils, but its challenging to feel secure when the dollar amount of something needed goes up fairly fast.

it is crazy to believe that there are people who are stupid enough to believe that our president does much.. but especially with our gas priciessss.