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[24jnxh]

Life Story #374

You have already left us for 1 year 2 months 8 days already. I could not stop thinking and imagine about this timing even it’s been so long. This kind of timing has become a fear in my heart, a place that I’ve been shaking, because I cannot forget it’s the time I’m about to go to sleep, I received a message on Facebook from the adult cellgroup leader. When that news came to me, I sat up on my bed, the tears cannot be control and dropped down from my eye. I did not know and understand why am I so upset because we were not really that close, but I realise that it is not about how close we were or anything.. but it is about how you have touched my life, be there for me during my difficult times and walking through my toughest journey with me. Close is just on the surface site, but it is the heart that consider a moment of life change. Somethings can’t be change. Some times, emotions and feelings can’t be controlled as well. I’ve always thought that I’m tough enough that I can put down the news of your departure, but I realise that I’m not that tough as I thought I am. How much I wish that I can put down that news, but there are times.. there are some events that I will came to thought of you. I want to put it down, but it is tough. I thought I can do it, but then I was wrong, I’ve estimate myself too high because I cannot do it and think that I can do it.. I’m such a disappointment and I really disappointed by myself, why I can’t do it still tell myself and force myself to do it? I should not have act this way.. I should face my truth feeling, my true emotions and not hide it and wear a mask over myself. Some times, I really don’t understand myself not just my surrounding people don’t understand me. At times, I don’t even know how can I explain about my own feelings and emotions but all I know is that I miss you, and I miss you so much that I don’t understand why is it happening. At times, I also will ask myself this; “How is Annabelle doing up there? Is she free from all troubles and with God right now? Why things happened so sudden without any sign of notice? Am I being blurred or not observant enough? Why did not I proceed to do according what God called me to do?” -- There are just so many questions that is inside my mind that I cannot stop thinking about. I guess, I’m just being so not observant enough. I’m just still not like you, being observant, always being there for people and all. I’m feel so bad all the time. Belle, I hope you can forgive me for not being a caring friend towards you. I hope you can forgive me for not being observant enough to care for you in time. I hope you can forgive me for not able to fellowship with you all these years. I hope you will still take me as your friend when I meet you in the Heaven. There is nothing I can do, but seek for forgiveness from you, and seek God for help to become a better self, so I can be a better friend to my other friends who are still on Earth. I miss you, Belle. Life Story World - XH Ng Time Check: 24 Jan 2021/11.11am

[24jnxh]

Life Story #373

I’ve always been thinking of you and missing you. There isn’t a day that I won’t think of you and miss you in my heart. Right now, I totally did not know how to face the cell group, especially those members where we went through thick and thin, before we multiply. To be honest, Zann, Jaelle, Holly, Roxanne, Shermeen, Val, and Kaz, I totally don’t know how to face them. Don’t just say them, even Keric as well. We went through thick and thin together as a group of Youth, but for your life, no one knows what happen to walk through together with you. Whenever we have problems, you are always here to walk through together with us, and listening to us, but you have problem we are not here to walk through with you, not even sending God’s words to you even though some of us felt led but was kept busy with work, but for me it was my fear of doing so. I’m sorry Belle. You might not know your departure, left a big pain in my heart. Do you know why I started to love people around me, putting them first and blessing them? It is because of YOU. You have changes my thinking, my heart and my mind with God’s strength in you. Remember back in 2013, when I joined you guys for the second weekend for service and I joined you guys for fellowship? Back then, we are still in Expo. I remembered that day Zann and Jaelle have to settle some camp thing, so she called me to follow you guys to Kopitiam first. I did not want to buy food to eat because I doesn't have money with me, and you want to bless me but I don’t want to take the money, actually there is reason. I did not want to owe you money because you are still a student as well. You work Part Time is for yourself, saving to buy things for yourself. In the end, when Zann is back, you asked Zann to bring me go see what food to buy and you pass her money still. Belle, do you know what I felt that moment? I felt loved, this love is something that I have never felt before after when I turned 9 years old. You have let me felt that loved again in you. Do you understand now why do i love others, and why do I choose to put others first? It is because that selfless love that you have impacted me with in my life and my heart. Belle, I can tell you something very honestly, if you did not showed me what is God’s love, and your love towards me, I guess I will never able to carry God’s love to impact to someone else life, and I will not know how to love someone unconditionally, despite how their character could be. You’ve never give up on loving me despite at my worse times, but at my worse times.. you encourage me even more than any other times. Belle, thank you for changing my life, and leaving down such great legacy in my life. For you, I will carry that legacy down till I'm depart from this Earth, because like what Shermeen say, I wish that when I depart on Earth and go to Heaven, when I see you, I wish I can tel you that “Belle, your legacy impacted my life, and I’ve carried down your legacy to change people’s life.” - because I hope you know, your legacy of loving others, has never stop after you leave, but your legacy of loving others has been carry down to impact more and more generation. It’s because of your death, I've learn more about what we should cherish not just in physically life, but on every social media platform of communication. There is nothing such saying “Wait, I will reply later” - because we will never know is death come next or tomorrow come next. Belle, do you know how much I miss you? I miss you, Belle. After this circuit breaker, I will definitely go and visit you, and I hope every time when I visit you, you are there listening to me just like before. I love you, Belle! Life Story World - XH Ng Time Check: 9 May 2020/1008am

[24jnxh]

Life Story #372

It’s been 5 months, it just seem like you have just left few days or a week ago. There are many thoughts and feelings that is inside my heart that I cannot express it out and probably cannot speak it out. Many things, no one actually able to understand that simple missing and thoughts that I have towards you. To be honest, I also thought I have let go and put it down already, but then I realise I've not completely done so. When I saw news of what people commit suicide or see such video, it could triggers my thought that I have towards you. Got many advise was all to put you down and let go, everyone says it like as if it’s so easy to do so, I'm wondering did they really have deep relationship with you, did they truly take you as friends, are you even matters to them? Yes, you are always in my heart, because of you are always in my heart there are things could trigger me that I will remember of you, that I cannot let go and put it down. Many things I want to understand and of course I wanna walk out of this pain, but I guess I have too much feelings upon your death and everything. I’ve tried so hard about it and for it, but truly it’s not as easy as it thought could be. 5 months, I was wondering how this 5 months I actually walk through it, and I realise how I walked through is, hiding all my emotions and feelings, even the way I am thinking, especially all my thoughts and hard feelings. It’s not easy to express everything out to people, and all I can do is to keep by myself. I’m just so emotionally down but I have no one I can really talk to about my struggles. Annabelle, I miss you so much. There are so many things I could not express it out because everything seem so lost to me, but Annabelle I truly miss you so much, so much that no one is able to know about it. Belle, if can.. I wish I can find you. I wish I can meet you but I can’t anymore no matter what. I can see you, that’s your ash that I'm able to see. Belle, I miss you physically on earth. I miss your presence. I miss your laughter. I miss your voice. I miss your jokes. I miss your smile. I miss the way you encourage me. I miss everything that you have done for me in my life. Belle, did you miss all of us as well? Belle, I did not tell you before, do you know 6 years ago when I have thoughts of commit suicide because of insecurity, you are the one that encourage me and pulled me back from those thoughts to find ways to pull myself up once again? I miss you so much that no one actually is able to know and understand. You saved my life, but you end off your life. I miss you, deeply missed. Not just the outer side of you, but everything you did for me in my life. I just simply, 想念你. Everytime thinks of you, I will simply cry it out. I hope I can see you again in heaven, belle. Life Story World - XH Ng Time Check: 27 April 2020/759pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #371

On 30 October 2019, after self-harming myself I felt that I’m totally lost. I put that penknife at my heart and cut it down, I felt that just die better but at least before that I get to know from my spiritual buddy about what I am as a friend to her. I’ve made her felt that she is an idiot and even stupid. She even think that I don’t appreciate her just because of my actions doesn’t show, then since she also say that she appreciate me but her actions also doesn’t says, then shall I feel stupid and idiot of myself, even actually I do feel that way but I choose not to say. So, my last message to her is “There are many things, I was called to hide by my family. They don’t allow me to share, they don’t allow me to tell anyone. I can do is, I hide. Many times, I really can’t control and really just wanna spill how I feel, but I will always got reminded that I cannot say. My mum ever told me, she wants me to be like her. Taking all the pressure and all so I can take care of my siblings if they are gone one day. I not sure do you have siblings, as much as I do, but do you able to understand that pressure of stress that I need to cope everywhere but I could not share with anyone? I only have a dad I can talk to, but right now.. my mum don’t even allow me to tell my dad, that pressure I have is extremely high. If I don’t help myself, I won’t seek for counselling and make an appointment on 7 Nov. It is because I know you care, holly care, zann care, I decided not to give up. But since you say I make you to this stage, of not caring for me anymore, this is something you might not be able to see it right? You know, why I’m afraid I will give up? Because I use to get hurt by counsellors. I have my fears towards counsellors, and this is no one ever know about it. But yet, I know only counsellors can help me, so I go for it, trying to overcome that fear I used to have, because I know how much I wanna give up, I still have holly, zann and you. But right now, are you still inside I don’t know anymore, because you seem like don’t care anymore. Why I take so long because I’m scare. I scare people leave, people stop caring, because this always happen before my counselling starts. But it seem so true again. It seem like I’m losing. Sorry, I’m not good with words in appreciative. I’m sorry that if finding counsellors to help me, doesn’t show much. I don’t blame you, I’m supposed to be blame. Now I get it, I’m just so sucks. No matter how much I tried to overcome the fears of counsellors, and go back for counselling, it seem no use anymore. It is too late. But thank you for trying to change for me. I’m sorry for being such a bad friend to you.” At least, I get to send my last message before I done anything to myself. So, the first night in hospital.. rather people think that I’m died better than anything in life. I’ve tried to show how much I appreciate my friends and my surrounding friends, but then I believe that in my heart I show appreciate through the love I have for them, and how I appreciate them through gifts. My heart and my life, is never easy to see through. I’m just being sorry for all of this to happen. I’m sorry that you let you feel stupid and idiot, it is not that I don’t want to show but I’m sorry that I don’t know how to show. It is just my issue, not about you. In my heart, I definitely appreciate you because you willing to change yourself just for me, and because of me you’ve changed. Thank you! All I can say is thank you, but now I can say is I’m sorry. I’m not a person that know how to show how much I appreciate someone, because there are many things I’m not certain about as well, including my own feelings and thoughts, even my emotions. But right now I can say is, I’m sorry. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 31 October 2019/157pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #370

On 3 September, so on requested whether can change from 4 September to 3 September, as requested asked, so it shall be given. HAHA! I mean, better than not able to meet up and celebrate her birthday, change date then change bah. HAHA! But here I want to say, first of all, thank you for giving me the time of yours. By hearing that you say that you already felt that I might ask you out, therefore you can plan your schedule as free as possible, just to wait for me to ask only. This really touched my heart, because you knew everything I have thought of it. Second of all, I’ve my fun time when I with you, but how about you, do you have fun? You know, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you had fun at the museum and the timezone. Last of all, I just want to apologize to you. I know you are not angry but can hear from me? Actually, the food it was that day the one who join us for dinner help me planned one. She was the one suggesting to me food one. And of course I hide thing from you, she is actually my cousin and not my friend. We are long-distant cousin, so I said she is my friend but she is actually not my friend, but my relative, my family. To be honest with you, it is not the first time where I hang out with them together with other friend, my friend will always want to spilt table because they not comfortable, so she have actually expected for that to come but they were shock that instead of spilt the table, you will say that you are leaving. They know that I want to spend my time with you, so they expected it to come, but they did not expect that you will say that you leave first. So, I want to say sorry, and I hope I have a chance to make things up. I really enjoy my one to one time with you, to be honest. On 5 September, after dinner with my aunt, walked pass holly’s working place to say bye to her, when she saw me she angsty and called me to reply your message and say that you worry about me. And I told her, I did text you but you gave me cold replies, sounded like you did not want to talk to me then, what can I talk to you or how shall I talk to you? Then next moment, I receive a text from you asking me have I lied to you? That moment, my entire world pause and I was so angry but not sure what am I angry about when I knew I never once lied. I’m asking myself “Joey, why are you so angry? Are you angry that she let you feel she is doubting on you? Or are you angry that she let you feel that she is not trusting in you?” – But do you know something? I’m not angry with you but I’m angry with myself. It is because I always believe, if a friend let you feel that something, which means I’ve not done enough for them. So, I’m asking myself again “Joey, is it you did not done good as a friend therefore you let her have doubt in you?” – Then I called Holly and asked her things to clarify with her, and I started to blame myself and I told her that “Yes, everyone leave. I’m not good enough for everyone. I not suitable to stay in church, I’m not even right and suitable to serve His people and not even good enough to serve God. I better to leave church.” – Then, I went back to find my aunt, and she told me “Don’t leave church, and not even forsake God, because no matter where you are going to run in life, He is still here. You can change church. You deserve something much more.” – Afterwards my aunt and I took Grab together and went back home. I reached home, I think through a lot. I explained to you because I did not want you to think I lied but in the end I realize I full of question-mark then causes that argument with you, then I realize what a mistake I make. I was not doubting on you, and I’m doubting on myself. I blame myself with many thing. I’m sorry. Do you know, I am afraid of losing friendships in life because of my weird character and attitude? I always doubt on myself, am I good enough for myself? Am I worthy to love and care for them and for them to care about me? I’ve many doubts that you might not know and see it through. But, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you. On 7 September, I received a news that one of my friend that I knew in my years in orphanage has passed away. I remembered when I was leaving the orphanage to go with my current parents, I took a picture with this friend but I lost the picture I had, until one day when I was in Primary 1, I met her once again in my life. I shared with her how I wished to continue to live in the orphanage instead because of how my dad abuse me all the times, and I felt that I’ve no difference from an orphan. So, my friend taught me how to live a life freely. When I in need she is always here to listen to me as well, that she has never once left me at all. Whenever I post something emotional on my insta-story, she will always text me or call me even she knew before-hand that I might not want to share, so she will always do a Q&A with me. No matter where she is, no matter what time could it be, I’ll never be alone facing my storms by myself, because she is always here for me in my life. But right now.. my precious friend, you have left me, you have left this world. I remembered that time before my first operation, I remember that I told you how badly I was being scolded by a friend of mine, and you told me “When someone scold you, because they care and worry about you. You live too freely because you have a sister to take care of you when you was being adopted, and after your sister left, you got her friends to look after you. No one will ever scold you because you are being pampered by all of us. Your friend might be harsh in her own ways that you don’t feel so, might say things hurt you, but you need to know, she wants you to grow as well. Reflect on what she says and what you can do about it.” – From then I knew, I need to learn things in a hard way, I need to learn things I’ve never learn before, that is to take care of myself. My precious friend, how are you doing up there? Are you with God right now? Do you know, how many times I was reminded of how you celebrate my birthday for me? But right now, I would say there isn’t anymore already. My precious friend, I will always miss you. On 9 September, you told me that no need to transfer you anymore money because you feel bad. Buddy, can you allow me to say something? Please don’t feel bad. I’m willing to take care of you with what I have. But I did not want money become a thing we will argue all the time because you feel bad about it. Buddy, 2 more months only, after you found job, I believe you don’t have to depend on me anymore to give you money to eat and spend already. You never once ask from me but it is I always ask you and want to give it to you. Please don’t feel bad. You know? I ever wonder, if I continue to give you money, will it cause one day you leave my life, one day you will tell me that you don’t need me in your life anymore, and you don’t need me to help you, and you just tell me that you will break this friendship, and we are no longer friends..? Do you know how scare I am ever since you asked me that question, ever since you often not responding to me, ever since you’ve been cold replying me..? Do you know how often I have nightmares that you walk away from my life?.. I’m really very scare, I scare that Holly and you will walk away from my life, and I will lost two close friends, my two spiritual buddy in life. I never once tell you how scare I am, but I’m really scare. I not scare of anything, not scare of die, not scare of getting hurt physically, not scare being in anywhere, but I’m scare of losing Holly and you these two close friend and yet my spiritual buddy. I’m sorry, my buddy. I’m sorry that I’ve done things wrongly in life. I’ve causes you to be disappointed in me, causes worries to you. There are many things that I’ve done isn’t right at all, but thank you for still choosing to forgive me, and continue to be here for me and stay here to walk my life journey together with me. I’m sorry for always fail as a friend. I’m trying my best to be a friend that everyone would want me to be, and I’m really trying I hope you believe in me, but it is not a day thing to change overnight, but I needed time. I want this friendship to last, I don’t want what I dreamt to happen in real life. Trust me, I’m really trying my best as a friend. I’m so sorry, for failing you at times to times. Forgive me please?.. I hope when I come back from Sydney, our conversation can be like in the past again, won’t have cold replies and there will be replies. I hope this friendship will last till the day where breathe took us away. I want you to know, you are not just my friend, but my good friend, my close friend, my best friend, as well you are my spiritual buddy. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that that I hurt myself, and you have to see that side of me, which you should not have. I’ve been trying to control myself now a days. I’ve lose a friend, and I cannot afford to lose another friend again, not even our friendship. You asked me do you worth me hurting myself? I don’t hurt myself because of you only.. I hurt myself for every friendship. Last time, for Jaelle and I the problem, once worst was I threw my bottle at the circle, aim her and Zann, afterwards I run away and I fell down from escalator, I knock my head at the metal thing, which is the side of the escalator. And my head swollen, that I need to bandage it. That time, Holly and I the friendship got problem, I keep on drinking and drinking, I even self-harm as well, and I've cried a lot and a lot.. For every friendship that I have lost, I punched the wall, I kick the wall, because inside of me there is a pain that I need to let it out. Yes, I know God is hurting as well. I know that moment, you have to see that, sorry that I've hurt you. in fact, I did not know you were inside. I thought Holly is talking to her friend that she is going supper with, and I did not know is you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I've hurt you, I'm sorry that I've disappoint you, I'm sorry that I'm always in fear like this to not dare to share, but I want you know.. because I've lose too many friends, and I’m afraid losing our friendship.. Do you remember, how many times when I share with you how I feel, we ended up like have conflicts, then become you did not want to reply me, or you will just cold reply me? But, I don’t blame you. Never once do I blame you, even Holly and I the friendship issue, I never once blame Holly, but I blame all on myself. I blame myself for not being good enough, and not being a thoughtful friend and even a sensitive friend as before anymore. I’m sorry. This whole message type out not for you to blame yourself, but trust me.. I never once blame you. I hurt myself, it was Ronald triggered me want. If he did not approach you without my permission, or without me knowing, I will not be so triggered and angry about it. But no worries, I remembered what you say, I never forget.. why I close my eye because I did not want to look at any of you, because I'm afraid that I cannot control again and later hurt you guys, which I don’t want that to happen especially the both of you are precious to me, just like the friend that I have lost, the friend that passed away, so precious to me. Please know that, I want to talk to you, but that provided you also want to talk to me. Why I did not want to talk, because on Saturday after service, I walked over to ask you if you have money to eat not, you give me that very sian look like let me feel that you trying to say “Don’t talk to me..” - therefore, afterwards I walked away. I’m sorry, but I want you to know, I never once blame you for how you treat me because I am always blaming myself only. But I want you to know is, I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU! I’m sorry, buddy. I’m sorry that I've hurt you by hurting myself. Actually, you at the beginning asked me why do I leave so early, because I'm afraid you will asked me did I eat a not, because I did not eat my dinner, I did not buy any food. So, I choose to run away first, but in the end I realise I want to talk to holly first as well, so in the end I stayed again.. Thank you for choosing to stay in the toilet to see that side of me. I guess, if you don’t open up my hand and I will continue to hold on with that fist, then punch the wall again. You can choose to leave but you did not, you stayed even Holly says she can manage. I would say you very brave, not sure whether will I hurt you in any ways, you still walk up to me and grab on my hand. To be very honest, you choose to stay in the toilet with me, already shows me a lot of care already, but there is other things that is bothering about me. Just as I said above, I've lost a friendship and that friend passed away, I could not afford to lose another friend in my life, I cannot afford to lose our friendship, I cannot afford to lose my friendship with Holly, I just cannot afford to lose any friendship at all anymore, so all I can do is, whatever I'm feel I can only hide by myself because I don’t want to lose any friendship, I don’t want the cold talk, the cold conversation anymore. I know, if I share with you how I feel, this will happen. You are my good friend, as always. It has never once changed. You are God-sent spiritual buddy to me, as always. It has never once changed. Trust me, I still trust you, and I still want to talk to you. I want to be like last time, we talk to each other. I remembered how I told you that I want to take a break, you asked me “Why?” - Do you remember? Actually, from the day I knew you, my life has not been good. I needed someone so badly, but no one was there except the friend I know in orphanage. Right now, she is gone.. I’m back to a square. Thank you.. Buddy, I'm not around already. Probably when you read this, I'm on plane or I've arrived. But, I want you to know.. no matter where I at, I really want to talk to you. I really want to build the conversation with you. But if the conversation always have to be like cold cold, I'm just wondering how can I even talk, or what can I even ask to build the conversation with you. Look, I’m not blaming you, but I just blame myself, for not knowing how to build a conversation with my friend, I just feel that I'm so useless. But I want you to know, you are a good friend. Yes, I blame myself. But you should not. You are a good friend, remember what I wrote at the back of one picture? Thank you for being my good friend, thank you for loving and caring for me. You never know, how much it means to me. But, all I can say is.. no matter is who, as long as is my friend, I don’t mind to carry the blame on myself, to blame myself in any aspect of life, and i would hurt myself for them because they are precious to me that I cannot afford to hurt them with anything, with words, with actions, so I can only do is, hurt myself just to let go that pain in heart. You did not hurt me, I don’t blame you, but I blame myself. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to build a conversation with you, that makes you cold reply me all the times, or don’t even feel like replying, or don’t even want to reply. I’m sorry, for being a friend that not knowing how to talk to you. I’m so sorry.  Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 15 September 2019/857pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #369

I’ve discharged for a day. From Wednesday till today, I could say my emotions has never been good. I’m trying so hard to be tough, be strong, but the more I tried to be tough and strong, will it become I’ll walk to a path that no one will know who am I anymore? This is something I’m afraid of as well. I’m afraid of pain, I’m not exactly afraid of needle, but I’m afraid of all the signs and symptoms and thinking by myself whether can I even take it?.. What I’m afraid the most is I’m afraid that I will give up half way, I’m afraid that I’ll look into death. There are many things that running in my mind, running in my brain. I’m fear about it, but I know clearly is that no matter how much I fear, there is nothing able to change the fact of this. I’m wondering am I able still take care of my friends, take care of the cellgroup, am I able to still love my surrounding friends still? Will I because of this, pushed them away, and will they really leave? I came to wonder many things, but all with one reason, I’m afraid my friends that are close to me, stay with me by my side, will one by one leave because of my situation. I came across on a tweet that says “When a person feel insecurity, on and off they will push people away from them, until it is confirm that person he/she pushed away will not leave.” – And I feel that I’m this kind of person. There are people came to my life, they have hurt me, or even assure me with their words but in the end, when you pushed them away, they really left your life. Or, you don’t have to push them away, they will leave your life because of what you are going through. This tweet, let me feel that time yes, we humans will become insecure in certain things in our life, but then it is because of life experience that we had and we can’t be blame for it and of it as well. I’ve once did that. My buddy, I’m sorry that I did not tell you at first. In June, when I told you I taking a break, when I told you one of my friend afraid I draw away, and I will not draw back anymore, actually I did thought of pushing my cellgroup members away, pushing you away, even those who have good friendship with me, I decided to push them away. I also told myself that, I will not draw back. A month back, you came to approached me, I felt something stirring inside of my heart, and when you assure me with those words, I felt something wrong inside of my heart. I’m sorry, I’ve insecurity inside of my heart after what my friendship with Holly happened. But, you showed me you really stayed, but what you showed me in your faith and trust in me that believe that I will draw back even I take a break, even when I draw away. My buddy, from then I believe what God says that you are my spiritual buddy. He once showed me about you in my life, to guide me into a deeper level of faith in Him, trust in Him, and deeper encounter with Him. He showed me that you are the one that always here for me, and your words of assurance, is not just from you but it is a work that God wants you to do in my life. From then, I told myself “No doubt in her and His Word.” – So, I told myself that, God has His plan when He draws me back to you. Thank you, my buddy. Thank you for staying and assure me once again and again. Thank you for believing in me but yet I broke that trust you have for me and to me. Whatever I said to you on Saturday, I will remember. I will always listen to you, I will always think for myself first and take care of myself before taking care of others. I’m sorry that once again and again, I’ve disappointed you over and over. I’m in the wrong, and I don’t deserve such a good buddy to be in my life, but thank you for being my buddy that still being so strong to concern for me. I appreciate you so much from the bottom of my heart. I truly thank God for this friendship, that this friendship was being forged. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 16 August 2019/937pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #368

My dearest friend, when you received this link from my brother, means my operation failed and I’ve words for you. I hope you can read finish these words. From March till now, I’ve known you only that short 5 months, and this friendship you are like the elder sister that scold me most, because of my nonsense. I’ve no friends in life, not much friendship as well, so don’t say about best friends. All my friends, one by one left my life and end this friendship because of my situation. Thank you for choosing to stay even Rave Camp ended, even you know my condition and situation in life. Thank you for always taking time out during fellowship, just to talk to me. I remembered there was once, I was so depressed and took my guitar out, and I just sat at the bridge outside 605, I texted you and you came out just to find me and talk to me, but to be honest I don’t know how come I texted you, but I just felt like texting you because I kind of feel that you will come out and look for me and I know you will just stay there with me. So, I’m really grateful for you. 5 months, I’m sorry that I’m not a good friend, though I believe that I’m good enough, but I’ve never done much for you, but only make you angry, disappointed with me, and disheartened about my actions. You are right. Actually, I said that I’m not sure if my work is illegal or legal because of the environment. I not sure, if working admin from home, consider legal or illegal, but my job scope is legal. You also scold me right, one month ago, when you came back to approach me, I’ve already know my condition, in fact I knew it in May. That is even before I tell you that I want to take a break, it is still when we are still talking. I drank my months out, not to think or not even wanting to remember about it. This life should come to an end already. You are right.. do you know whatever you say, I can say you guilt trip me too, but I did not? It is because I truly believe no one can guilt trip me unless I find myself guilty about it. Do you know, I’m holding so hard, not to cry it out when you so fierce to me? When I walked over to you on Saturday asked you not buying food, you like don’t even want to care about me and respond to me, I felt so dishearten, but I told myself that I cannot blame you because this is what I’ve done, and I need to bear the consequences, I need to face this outcome that I’ve done it out. At times, you said I guilt trip you, do you know, no one can guilt trip us, unless we don’t find guilt in what the person say? Whatever you say it trip me into a guilt because I do feel that I’m guilty with the mistakes I did, I felt guilty, therefore you are able to guilt trip me. But, because I have guilt in my heart, therefore I fell into the trip of guilt. I believe I shared with you my story. I was being adopted when I was 3 years old. Back then, I only have an elder sister that is in the home with me to take care of me, and a maid. My parents only working but neglected me. All times, when I’m sick and high fever for five days, did they care? Until the fifth day, then they bring me to clinic and need to go hospital. Afterwards, found out I have lung infection and it is very serious. I remembered I was only 8 years old, but do I have my family there? I don’t have. No one take care of me, until I discharge the only taking care of me was my elder sister and my maid. All the years of my growing time, it is my elder sister take care of me. My knowledge of simple taking care of myself was zero. Many times, I study, I will over without anyone tell me stop. Just same as working, I will not stop unless people speak out. So, when I was at the age of 15, my elder sister passed away because of me. But yet, I never once need to take care of myself, because at my side there are angels that are my sister’s close friends, they take turns to take care of me, remind me this and that, and from then, I realize that my sister have actually prepared things before she even left. Her friends know that my mum is a mother that is strong, so she wants her child to keep things to herself as well(which referring to myself), so everything and every time things happen at home, or things going on with me, they never allow me to share even I want to. When I was at the age of 19 or 20 years old, one of her friend passed away due to sleep, that hurts me a lot. This friend is one of the closest to my sister and I. When I was at the age of 21, her another two best friends also passed away because of heart condition. This year, another friend passed away, another married to overseas. It was lately, I was thrown to independent. I’ve no single knowledge how to take care of myself. When I was thrown out like that, my entire world is lost. Yes, I’m a kid, because since young I no need to care about anything, I’m just a free kid and everything, no need to worry what is the time and everything, because there will be people asking me what time am I going home, or will give me timing to reach home. I no need to worry about did I eat a not, because when I work until never go buy food, there will be people send food to my workplace for me, I no need to worry will I overwork because there will be people tell me stop working, time to rest. There will be people around me reminding me this and that. Yes, I’m worse than a kid, a 12 years old kid, because since young I was well taken care of by my elder sister. Yes, I’m the worse of all. Since young, what I know? I know is every time I will get caned, I will get beaten up, I need to study for best result, I will have asthma, and I cannot run, there is nothing else I know. It is because this is my daily life that will happen. So, since young, what I can do to distress? Sports only, but yet can I play for long? I cannot, because of my asthma condition. Every time, my sister see me asthma relapse, it breaks my heart because she knows I’m stress but only sports can help me distress but yet I cannot play for long. What I know about taking care of myself? I know what is pressure, what is stress, because my mum’s side family always take my result to compare with their own children, and always say I useless, say I’m idiot, say I’m stupid. So, now I admit. I’m useless, I’m stupid, I’m idiot okay. Just a simple taking care of myself I also don’t know how to do so. I’m the dumbass friend ever in your life. My past, is I never once need to care about when to eat, when to sleep, what time to reach home and everything because always my elder sister and her friends will remind me, tell me and everything. My taking care of myself is zero, knowledge zero, because I’m stupid. This few weeks or a month, I felt I was pushed to the very end of the wall. Trying to take care of myself, but always not enough, not something my brother, my dad and you will want that outcome. Then when I trying to take care of myself, my mum, my grandma, my biological mum, my auntie, my great-grandaunt, and my grandaunt, say I useless and stupid, study until now haven’t finished, not even working to take care of the family here. So, despite my condition, I kept on working and working, in the end, I felt like I’m stuck in between my mum and my dad. No matter how I tried to take care of myself, it is not good enough for you guys, then for other side is forcing me to the end of the wall, feeling so much, so depressed, all my mum wants from me to hide things away from people, to suffer by myself. So, what can I do? I take it I don’t care anything. But in the end, I realize I care about you being angry with me, I care about disappointing my dad, my brother and you, I care everything you guys have for me, I also want to learn how to take care of myself, but can you understand that being push to the dead end of the wall that feelings? I did not dare to share with you, because I don’t want you to know that how much I am suffering in between both side. How stuck I am, in between both side of my parents. I don’t want you to see me suffer in pain, because when I heard you say you blame yourself, I step back of sharing this with you(if you notice I’m biting my lips), because I don’t want you to later find any blame in yourself. I don’t want you to see me cry for feeling so stuck in between the both of them, how much I suffering and all. I’ve been wanted to cry whenever I felt so bad of myself, so guilty in my errors, even I know I can just cry and be vulnerable in front of you, I really tried to control of myself, because I’m afraid people judge. My buddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hiding, I’m sorry that you have blamed yourself over all. I’m sorry that I got you trust in me, but I disappointed you, make you don’t care about me anymore. I cannot blame you, all I can do is to blame myself. I’m guilty for everything you said. My fault. I did not want to push myself more to the end of the wall, so I choose not to care but to work and shut everyone off, especially my both parents, because I’m really pressured and stress over about it. I had enough to stuck in between of them. It is okay, if you no time for me, if you have no time to visit or take care of me, your prelims will be my concern. Even if you want to give up on taking care of me, give up on being here for me, I will accept it and take it, I’m so sorry. It is my fault for all these to happen. I also understand why you tone of talking to me not that nice, because all things are my fault. I created this mess, I create all of these, I need bear the consequence. I also cannot ask you to forgive me, I’ve no rights to ask you trust me once again. But, all I can say is, I’m sorry. You did not go overboard. At first, I did think of it, that your words a little too much, but to think of another point, who causes it? I’m the one that causes your words to be harsh. If it is not because of me, always not listening, probably you will not even be talking to me that way, with that tone and attitude. So, I knew I cannot blame anyone. Yesterday, the moment I woke up, I sat down on my bed, I kept on thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking, I cannot stop thinking about what you say, and it causes some guilt in my heart. I dwell even deeper, because I want to break part by part to digest and process every word, every sentence you speak. I came to this point that I know I cannot blame anyone, I cannot blame you for being so harsh on me, I cannot blame you for being so fierce and strict towards me. So, the entire day of Sunday, I felt like my world shut down, but thinking what can I do about it, then able to satisfy both parties. Which something that I know I cannot satisfy both sides. You did not go overboard, you did it right. I did not talk back to you, because I’m listening in everything. If I talk back to you, I’m just defending myself, and that’s show I don’t feel I’m at wrong at all. So, there are two type of character of me. If I talk back, means I’m not listening. If I don’t talk back, means I’m listening. So, you can see, Saturday what am I doing? I’m listening in even you are so fierce.. if you notice I don’t even dare to look at you, that’s how I don’t dare to look at Holly when she fierce talk to me as well. Once she smacks me, I know she going to talk to me strictly already. So, don’t think that you are overboard because that is not what I think about it. I know I’ve no rights to talk to you about vision, I’ve no rights to talk to you about serving, but can you let me say something? Whatever I do, it is a vision from God, whatever I’m serving for the CG, is from God. I’ve no right to talk to you about vision but yet I still want to talk to you about it. My vision is to serve as a guitarist, but just because of one comment, I want to give up. Ministry, I realise that was not what God called me to be in. Remember you shared with me about your vision? You said that you have prayed to God for two months, and you heard from God telling you to step up, but I heard from God was “Take it slow. She needs to rely on me.” But then, I felt that you are ready for this vision, but to know if you are daily relying on God’s strength, being renewed in Him, I can do is use myself as a tester. I’ve prepared that our friendship will comes to this phrase in life, but to support you in this vision that you have, I need you to know where is your strength, and where is your weakness. I don’t want you to go for it, then end up when obstacles come you give up your vision, or because of a bad day or how disheartened you can be feeling in your life. I’m sorry that I’ve used this way, though I not sure do you understand my heart and intention for you, but I hope you do. If till now you still don’t understand what I’m doing, then let me tell you and explain to you. My buddy, I did not want your vision just a vision, but a vision that will last for eternity. A vision that can help so many people in life, so many friends in your life, do you know that? When you shared with me your vision, actually I forgotten before camp starts. During camp day one, at the night session, when someone lay hands on you and when I’m standing behind you to catch you, do you know I have this strong urge to pray for you, as I had a vision of you leading a group of people, and when I see this vision, do you know I’m so excited for what God is going to do for you in life? Then when I was on the way back home, I felt so prompted to read our conversation once again, and I was reminded of your vision that you shared with me. So, the next two days of the camps, I kept on have this strong feel of praying for you, but I did not go for it because I’m afraid it was wrong. Then I heard God says “My child, do you still trust in Me? You once forgotten and I reminded you, but because of fear you step back? Do you still have faith in Me?” – That moment, my heart was so disheartened, because of fear I did not pray for you. Want to listen my story? Helping Holly was a task. She has a low self-esteem, and she has many fears, and also her always neglected her family members. When receiving upon this task, I doubt myself. I told God “Lord, I don’t have such capacity, don’t have such strength. My weakness more than my strength. God, how? It is an impossible task. I don’t want to make myself tired. I know I will give up in half way, but God, I don’t want. Unless Lord, You show me a sign.” During one of my cellgroup meeting, the only sign I see was “GO!” I went. In the process, you think I’m not tired? I am as well. In the process, you think I never thought of letting go this task that God given? I did as well. Many things you felt, I felt it too. How many times I cried, over this? How many times I went to drink, over this? How many times I felt so useless, over this? How many times I felt that I’m not good enough, over this? About a year, or more, but have I given up? No. Now, I’m using a hard way to let her learn things, let her know not to neglect her family. Do you think, I care if she neglects me? In fact, I do but if she truly neglects, that shows how much this friendship means to her. Why I felt so tired? It is because I never let God take over. When I’m weak, managing ministry, camps serving, and being there for my other friends, I’m doing all these with my remaining in my jar, that I forgot I’ve a task from God. Do I have that capacity for her anymore? I realize, I don’t. Even cellgroup meeting, I cried. I’m telling God “Lord, take over. I’m tired and I’m weak. But this task, has not ended.” Right after this, I felt God came into my heart and life, to give me that peace and strengthening me. To me, no matter how hard it is, how that person don’t want to help themselves, I will still sow and help them, until God say give up, and I know God will never say such word. It was a revelation from God. I have this fear, afraid you will give up on your vision one day because of obstacles and the people you will find it hard to deal with. So, in the end, I decided to went down to very negative, doubting myself in spirit, because wondering why God give me a vision, but yet I did not pray for you. I started to feel very sorry. I thought I can pull out from that thoughts quick and fast but I realise because of all things in my life that I realise that this side of me, then is the real and true side of me, just I did not show it out but always pretending that I’m okay only. I drew myself away, and I came to think of who am I to be in your life, don’t even dare to pray for you, when God calls. When I decided to drew myself back, there were many things happen in my life already, and I cannot turn back everything, because it is too late. But all I told myself was, I need to continue to support you, but in order to do so, at the time I need to use my negative thoughts to strengthen your weakness, so you won’t give up on what God wants you to do for His Kingdom. My buddy, you are called by God. I know I’ve no rights to talk to you about vision and ministry, but this is from the bottom of my heart. Whether do you still remember that vision that He has install for you in your life, I’m still going to support you spiritually and mentally. I not sure will you visit me, I not sure will you be able to see me anytime soon, I not sure will we get to fellowship anytime, but all I can do, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to strengthen you in your vision and everything, but I’m sorry that I did not done a good job but in fact I let you feel that I’m guilt tripping you. If probably you are sensitive enough, you would found out that my suddenly change, probably got problem. You can say I guilt tripping you again, and you can say all you want, but I’m sorry for letting you feel the way you did, because that was never in my thought, but my thought just want to help you strengthen you strength, and make your weakness as a strength and motivation, so when in the future you see obstacles, you will not give up that easily. But probably, my method might not be something you will be able to take it, but remember in this vision, there could be many kinds of obstacles, that you probably will met someone even worse than me, and you need to deal with him/her. If that’s so, are you going to say those dishearten words once again? I cannot strengthen your weakness anymore, I cannot be here to do what I’ve been doing anymore, but I want you to know, all these is not to guilt trip you, but to get you ready for that battles and obstacles you will be facing in this vision. That day, remember what you told me? You said “Better still I don’t care about everything and everyone, save people’s time and my time.” - Are you trying to say that doing what God call you to do is wasting of time? Next you said “Really don’t tell me all this now. I am lethargic, really.” - You are tired, then what am I, to do the task that God given to me, I am not tired? I am too, and I’m not strong at all either, I’ve many things on hands, I’ve my family saying that I’m not good enough for them, to them, and everything.. I’m tired to do this task, but I still do so, just for God. Next you said “I don’t want to do anything now.” - I don’t know what I can reply to you anymore but trying to strengthen you but in fact you said I’m guilt tripping you. Then you said “I never said anything about giving up.” - Do you know this sentence and to look back above all that you said, what you think I’m feeling? Despite, feeling hurt, and dishearten, what else can I be feeling? Doing so much, trying so hard, what I get in respond? Saying that I guilt trip you. What else can I say? So, I might as well don’t reply you, so I choose to went missing. When I saw that you say in the post that I’m guilt tripping you, that moment, I’m thinking do I have that capacity to do so? I realise, no I don’t have. In fact, no one can guilt trip us, unless it is something we feel so bad in our heart, and they are saying something so true, that we did not realise it, and we are trap in that guilt and realise that actually exist. People guilt trip me before, I also blame and say that person, but in the end I realise it is not the person, but it is the words that speak into our heart make a part of guilt feeling that came in, because it is so true. Did you see that part when you ask me, am I okay, all I replied was “I’m okay.” You asked “Are you gonna come church on sat? Are we gonna talk?” I only replied that I’m coming church. But afterwards you said “I’m sorry okay, I wasn’t having a good day that day and it was really bad, so please don’t take it to heart.” - Did you realise how I’ve replied you through that whole 2-4 mins of message? Monotone voice that kind only. Did you realise you asked are we gonna talk, I never replied until you send me a “?” then I replied telling you “I’m a little busy. Because Jaelle’s farewell now become I alone handle and settle. I’m already crashing down already.” - Do you know that it is not whether am I gonna talk to you, it is not about whether do I want to reply you, because you have let me feel whatever I say to you, it is guilt tripping you, then what else can I reply you, what else can I talk to you? If whatever I say it is guilt tripping you, then are you going to do something about it? Such as finding that root that is guilt tripping you about and for, and to deal with it? If not, do you really want to always leave in this guilt, and in the future if somebody else say something similar, then the whole thing will happen again. You might not understand what I’m doing or I’m saying, then it is okay. Then just let this whole thing type out as a trash then, but I will not feel that it is a waste of time for doing all of these, why? It is because you are my friend. All I’m doing, is want to help you with this area of vision you had. But since you say don’t tell you about vision and everything to guilt trip you, then I won’t say anymore, but here I will want to tell you is, pray about it over this vision you have. Ask God, is it truly what He wants you to do. I see the vision was you leading a group, but you see if your current vision you have is a small step, but if you cannot overcome this small step, and just because of a bad day you have, then in the future, how? I want to help you but I cannot anymore. I can honestly tell you, I was affected by what you said, but I choose not to let you know about it. I choose to rather tell you “I’m okay” instead of telling you “I’m not okay.” If you don’t know, to say I’m okay to someone that say things like could affect me, is easier than saying I’m not okay. Since, I speak is always guilt tripping you, then what can I talk to you about still? There is nothing right, because all is tripping you into a guilt. I’m sorry. Sorry tripping you into a guilt. But I hope you know that, all of that, is never my intention of doing so. But, if you were to think it is, then all I can do and say is sorry. Maybe I don’t talk or don’t speak of anything, will be much better for you ba. But I want you to know, guilt tripping you never came to my thought, never came to my mind and not something I want and can do. I don’t say anymore le, later you want to say I guilt trip you again, but this is also my last words for you. If the vision is truly what God give you, don’t give up no matter how bad your day could be, or how that person don’t listen to it, because you will not know, that whatever you sow and do, it will reap when it time comes. All you need to do, believe and trust that whatever you do, will come to pass, and it will help that person. You will not know that your words, will be something that person need as well. So, don’t give up no matter how life comes to you. But, also, need to see how your walk with God as well. You ownself knows about it. If God wants you to do, trust in Him, replenish your strength in Him, if not whatever the day obstacles come to you, all you will have with that attitude is what you given to me that day. You need to know, in future, you will and might deal someone worse than me, then what are you going to do about it again? If all this in bold, you are going to say I guilt trip you again, then okay, I don’t say anymore and deep more, later you say I guilt tripping you. So, buddy, NOTE THIS, I’m not drawing away, but I guess probably I gone will be better for you, unless you really want to talk to me still. No one will irritates you, annoyed you, make your day so bad, and also will not cause you to have all the attitude you have given to me. I guess, I’m the only special kind that always have such attitude from you, just as how holly always throw attitude at me like this. I’m always that special friend that will receive all of this attitude from friends. But doesn’t matter, just want you to know, no matter where I gone to, I will still be supporting you whatever you do in your life. I also don’t want trouble you to take care of me. I also don’t want to make myself feel that I’m an idiot, talking to the transparent person, I really don’t like how people just can reply others but cannot reply me. I never look for you also because I really no idea, am I talking to you, or am I talking to the wall, because either blue-tick or last seen. But, now I left already. I did not want to do this, it hurts me but then I don’t know what can I do so you will not be angry, I not pushing you away, I also want to talk to you, but.. I don’t know will you want not. So, here I want to say is, all the best for your O Prelims and also O levels. I believe without me, you lessen one burden, and I know you going to do so well, and able to be the Salt and Light in His Kingdom that you can lift His Name up high. I also wish you and your dating partner, last long. Remember, place God in your relationship. I give you all my blessing in your life. (If you ever need a financial help, ask from my brother. He will be taking over me to help you.) - This bracket words and in bold, it is a side note, you can reject this offer of help. My operation failed, and the best I can give you is to leave, so you can drop this burden of me, so you don’t have to take care of me. Though, I don’t have my family to take care of me, but I won’t want to burden you. I just wish how we can be like last time, can share everything and anything, how you will share with me things and I will share with you things, talk and laugh around, but when serious talk, we are also serious at the same time. Whatever it is, remember, you are always a friend, a good friend, a close friend, a best friend, a good sister-in-Christ, in my heart. If all these above, consider sweet-talking to you, then this will be the last time that you going to hear all of these. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 12 August 2019/7pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #367

Last Friday, I get to know why my leaders did not allow me to serve in CG, but my stubborn-ness creep into me that I choose not to believe because, I don’t think that my leaders will think so and say so about me. Last night, was talking about this issue with my guitarist, and he said that he also did tell the leaders and the leaders also said the same to him, so it is the same as my friend who came and play the guitar for us in the cellgroup meeting on last Friday. At that very moment, my heart was so dishearten because I could not believe that my leaders think of me that way. Out of a sudden, I came to hear from my guitarist’s girlfriend says “Joey, over the years, you really have grown and change. When I met you, you kept everything to yourself and don’t share about it. But right now, you are sharing with us about it.” – That moment, I have a thought came that no one can say whether am I ready to serve God, only God Himself can say whether am I ready to serve Him. Not even His servant can come to this place and say that I’m not ready to serve Him, so they don’t allow. I’ve came to a place, whether a member able to grow, is not determine by the member, but the leaders. If the leaders don’t allow the member to grow in serving, the member will always be at where they are. I’m not going to fight for my place to serve, because I know.. only God has the call. But if the leaders are going to always press the member down, and say they are not ready to serve, then the member will never be able to grow at all. When I came to this thought and this point, I realize, all does not matter anymore. If my leaders want to press me down, don’t allow me to grow, then I can never serve Him in the areas He wants me to serve Him in. A leaders should not determine when their member can serve, whether is the member spiritual level able to serve. Let’s say, if in the week of cellgroup meeting, your guitarist not spiritually right to serve, all your song leaders are going through tough season, then you say they are not spiritually well and good to serve, then you don’t let them serve, and cancel that cellgroup meeting, just because of no one is able to serve? Or you will still go with it, and let them serve even they are not spiritually well? Or you trust that even they are not doing well, they can still serve? If this is the trust issue, then I will come to this answer that is as my leaders, you guys have never trusted in me. But, I will come back to the start. Whether am I ready to serve a not, not for you guys to say so, not for you guys to give the call, but it is the call from God. Not His people can make that choice, and decision of call for me to serve Him. If you guys only go with the call and choice that you guys made, then I will say that, you guys are pressing me down and not allowing me to grow. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 30 July 2019/125pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #366

Rare times, before service you will find me, but yet deepest of my heart, have this sense of confusion as well. During service you texted me and said that the Word was for me. Yes, I’m fearful but why am I fearful? It is because you are so hard to approach. Like I shared with you how I feel, does anything change? No, there is nothing changes. Do you know, why am I so afraid to walk over to you when you called me to go over your side? I’m afraid that you will be asking me how’s service the word for me. Then when you asked me “What do you think?” Then my mind only thought of service, maybe you are asking that, so I told you that “Wait I need settle this.” Then you said. That my answer is not an answer to your question. Then I say that “Wait I need to think.” Then you said “What you want to eat, so hard to say meh?” Then I realize you are asking about food, then I said I’m not eating then that moment I really don’t dare to look at you already. To be honest, this season of my poly life is not easy. I’m tired as well, I need to work for my friend’s mum’s company then I still need to study and rush my project and everything. All the submission is just next week, if I don’t settle, then I cannot email to my classmate le. When you took away my laptop, my heart that moment, I’m like scare. Scare that my work cannot be done, scare that my GPA will drop.. Sigh.. When you trying to get back my laptop, I said something I should not say that is my gastric triggered is because of milk tea, then when I realize I said something wrong, I’m afraid of one thing was, I will be smack. In the end, I got back my laptop, and when you buy food back asked me where is my food, and you called me don’t talk to you, my heart likes so scare. But yet, I did not want to leave one of my friend over there sitting all by himself, because I just sense something not right to him. All I want is to keep him accompany but yet I really afraid of you being angry with me. But I know I buy something light right, I can like come back without that food, because I can eat finished while walking, you might not even trust me as well still. So I just drag you down with me. When you say, only I manage to drag you down because come to think of, you are smart friend right? You can think about it, I can tell you I go buy food but I can come back without food and tell you I finished already like, then you won’t know did I buy or did I not buy right? Just to make sure I really did buy, what choice can you do? Go with me lo. How many more memories can we have? In fact, do we have any memories? I’ve no time. Thank you for saying that you will find time for me, but to think back and count down to it, how many more days to go, do you think you can even find for it? I’m sorry, really sorry. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 28 July 2019/853pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #365

I guess when you read this, I’ve already given you the card already. It is only when you read the card then you will understand this all I’m talking. I’ve posted a post on my Instagram and because it is private, so you cannot see and I’m going to type it out here for you. I said “I’ve came to know my spiritual buddy. Though it is not long, but I can sense the care but I feel more is her ignorance towards me. Therefore, many times, I choose to run away, I choose to hide, despite knowing will disappoint her when I know the fact is she is here for me. But at times I ask, is she truly here or she only have her relationship in heart?.. it is times like this, the hurt of pain builds it up in life, but all I can say, I’m sorry. If life is so short, what can I do in the remaining of my time? All I can do is, be there for my friends, spend time with my spiritual family, but what I want as well? I want spend time with my spiritual buddy. She will never understand me. Not I did not give her the chance and opportunity but it is I feel so hard to approach her. My buddy, I know you cannot read this, but I want you know.. from the bottom and deepest of my heart, I truly love you and appreciate you being my spiritual buddy. I might not show but, I truly is! Thank you, my buddy.” You’re always angry with me because I did not take good care of myself, but do you know why I did not take good care of myself? It is because I don’t know how to take care of myself, I don’t know how to be independent. Instead of being angry with me, I’ve no chance to explain myself, share with you about it. Yes, I’m useless I know, basic of taking care of myself, I also don’t know how to. I know, I’m dumb. It is because since young, I was being well-taken care of by my elder sister. But as a kid, all of us want is not just sibling’s love for us, but parents’ love as well. My sister loves me a lot, her love is never able to forget. Since young, I often get punished by my dad, I often got caned, even my finger got cut he will caned me as well and it bleed more, I was called to kneel beside dog cage, and many more, my sister is the one always helped me, protected me when I got caned. But as a child, we need is parents’ love and time, and I’ve none. My parents only know how to force me to study, pressure me to study, slowly I drawn many away from study, I lost my interest in school, felt everything is so pressured. But, I force myself to study even the holidays, often I do my work until I forget the time to eat, forget the time to go bed and rest. My sister always has to make sure I sleep, make sure I eat as well. But when I was in Secondary 1, I felt so stress, as well I was being bullied in school. My relationship with my sister also drawn away. But, she never blamed me because she told me that she knows what I’m facing in school. Though I did not know how she knows, but I just remind silent. Secondary 2, I mixed with gang, picked up smoking and sniffing glue, at times I even skipped school or late for class to serve detention immediately and no need to go back classroom. But, after doing this so much, my Operation Manager in school, he kinds of knows that I did all things purposely want, so from then whenever I’m late, I don’t need serve anymore detention. Until a relative passed away, I came to meet my aunt, and they brought me to church. But, I did not change myself at all. Until I was Secondary 3, there is a day I was with my gang and we are sniffing glue got too high, I nearly fall out of the window, my sister came into the room faster, pull me back but in the end she slipped and fell. I could not forgive myself from then on, I told myself that I need wake up and stop all my nonsense. In the end, I changed. But, I loss a person who will take care of me. When I was in Secondary 4, when it’s my birthday, my sister’s best friend came to me and passed me a gift and she said that my sister bought it already but because she afraid if she brings home, I will see it already, so my sister keep it with her first and with a card. That card all every word just floods me with her love language of words. Then my sister’s best friend took care of me. But, last year, she passed away during her sleep. It became another friend of my sister came to take care of me but lately, she is married to other country. It becomes I need to learn how to take care of myself. I’ve never once learns how to look after myself. I’m always well-taken care by people. You might not be able to understand, but losing the support, losing the people who are always taking good care of me, is not good feeling. You think I purposely want to make you angry? If you think so, think twice about it. Think about it, what’s gain me when I make you angry? Do you think I like ignorance? I don’t, in fact I felt pain and hurt, do you even know? Just as in the card I said, technically that card was written on Thursday, that day when I wrote that card left 18 more days, till the day you receive have to deduct 2 days? I’m going operation 12 August. So, in actual fact.. you can ignore me just you did. But, I want you know. Even if I’m in your situation, in relationship, I will not ignore you. I will not give you a feel that I don’t want to talk to you. I will not give you that feel that boyfriend over friendship. I will not give you the feel that I cannot be contactable. I will not give you the feel that I’m hard to approach. I went through before, it is all this moment of times, I know life is too short.. if right now, we ignore our friends and it happen a day that they are no longer around, what we will miss? No worries, I won’t disturb you anymore. I know I won’t have the time to meet you, to fellowship with you anymore. I also know and aware, all your time is for your relationship. Times, you are not replying not really because you are studying, it is just you don’t want to reply me and because you are in a relationship. All you care is your relationship only. I’m so sorry for saying this.. You don’t want talk to me, you want to ignore me right.. you don’t tell me that you will not be the same as my friends, because you are one of them as well. You are nowhere difference from them actually. You ignore me, fellowship always not free, but you always have time for your relationship, and you only will reply your relationship only. It is hurt, I’m hurting myself as well saying all of these, but no worries, how hurtful you give, I will not cry in front of you, just like the pain holly give me, I will not cry in front of her but I will keep on loving the both of you, till my very last breath, till God take me away. Do you know why do we need a spiritual family? It is to be there for one another, to comfort one another. What is a cell group mean? It talks back about science. Just like our body all have cells, but for this is referring to us(cell), when one fall, at least we are not alone to go through by ourselves because we have other cells to support, to find comfort, to shower with love. This is why there is something called cellgroup. Philemon 1:7 “Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.” - I might not be knowledgable than you in anything, but come to all of these, I know. We are able to find comfort in one another, but it is a matter are we allowing the people to come and find comfort in us. All of us can comfort people, but question is, are we allowing ourselves to comfort them? 1 Corinthians 15:58(NCV) “So my dear brothers and sisters, stand strong. Do not let anything move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your work in the Lord is never wasted.” You are just like my family, but one question, do you treat me as one? Or you treat me as someone that you will just ignore? There are difference. I’m sorry for saying all of these, but I really need to get into you as well. I want you to know that, I’m so sorry for everything. If I can, I would want to be a better friend. I know, you ignore me.. I know you did not want to reply me..  I know you did not want to talk to me.. probably, in the future you might not have that chance anymore? But I want you to know, I came a song for you. Proverbs 27:17 it says “iron sharpen iron...” this caught my attention. I’m not a good song writer, I am not talented, I am not professional, but can I say something? my heart towards this friendship is genuine, is real, is true, I've always want to approach you, but do you know that you have that front posture that you are hard to approach? Do you know through text as well, it is hard to approach because all you did was ignore my text. I want you to know my song for you the chorus means what by that verse.. I want you to remember this.. remember that there is a friend never let you go through darkness in your life, and she will be here for you all the time. When you fall she will be here to hold you and catch you, because she will not leave you. I just want you remember that bridge as well.. it says that when you need a shoulder, I will be with you and lend you a shoulder to lean on to cry. When you need someone, I will be there despite my busyness, despite who I am with at that moment, where I at.. as long you find me, as long you tell me where you at, I will rush down for you, because I want to be there for you. When you need me but yet you did not want me to be there physically, I will be there through text, through phone calls to be there for you. I want to dedicate this song to you. Title: You Are Not Alone Verse 1: In the times of my desperation You came and fill me with Your love All I want is to be with You You came and fill me with Your love Chorus: You are not alone, in the darkest time I will be here for you, I am always here for you When you fall I will be here to hold you I will not leave you, I will be here for you Verse 2: When I’m lost You came into my world And show me who You are to me All I want is to be with You Surrounds with Your love for me Bridge: When you need a shoulder, I will be here For you to cry on, always here for you When you need someone, I will be there To listen to you, always here for you Let me explain how this song came to me. I was trying to work on my song, but I was so depressed that I cannot carry on to work on the songs. Your ignorance towards me, I feel so hurt, I feel so pain, I felt like crying. But God came when I was just playing simple chords to pray, to do my quiet time, He reminded me in Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” - That moment, I broke down and I asked God “Lord, what have I done wrong? 22 years of my life, I've never learn how to be independent, I did not know how to take care of myself because always there is people looking after me, taking care of me.. yes I was wrong not knowing how to take care of myself, but I lost my pillar, it takes time. Lately, she just left to the phrase of life, I need time to learn, but why I felt that I am not having that understanding but all I get was ignorance? Lord, what can I do? I still love her as my friend, but her ignorance really hurt me. Lord, are you saying I need to have a spiritual buddy to hurt me even more, when I'm already hurting so much in my life? God, I need understanding not ignorance. I need love not unloved with hurt of ignorance.” Then the next verse came to me is Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” - I came to ask myself “Joey, is it you have not done much enough for your friend? Is it because when you in the times of your season, you forgotten about them?” Then this song came, this whole lyrics came. I don’t know, but I just sense God is telling me about you. My buddy, I don’t know what you going through. You always tends to hide things from me, I also cannot make you say but I also not sure how long can I be here for you. Am I able to be here for you till my last breath, I not sure. But, as long as I live, as long as I still on earth, I will not leave you alone. How many times you gonna ignore my text, how much you don’t want to talk to me, I am still going to press in to text you. Until you are irritated and hate it, I will know that is when our friendship is over. I don’t expect you at this age can understand how much am I feeling about having this kind of sickness or illness that needs to go for operation, but I want you to know my heart. Last time someone told me “Joey, if I can I will really wish to take out my heart and show you that you are not a burden to me at all, and how much I care for you. it’s coming out from me, I am the one who said that you are not the burden, so you should stop letting the devil change the thought, stop letting him put into your mind that you are one.” - So now I wanna tell you the same. If you cannot feel and sense how much love I have for you, how much I care for you, I just wish that I can take out my heart and just show you that how much I care for you and love you as my friend, as my buddy, as my sister. You are not alone, and that is the title of the song. Cast that past of how you are alone facing things in life by yourself and everything at the back of your mind, because now you are not alone, I'm here, always here. Have you ever see me not caring about you, not talking to you, when you have issue I will tell you I not free? No, I don’t. But I will just tell you “Come talk to me. Share with me.” Because I care for you from the bottom of my heart. Every message that you send, that you replied, I replied quick if I feel the vibration or I heard my ringtone, if not I take few minutes later, because I want to assure you this, even if in future, 1 year 5 months even if I go in a relationship with that guy, I'm still here. I'll still be contactable, I will not because of my relationship, ignore and not replying you or any of my other friends. This is something I can assure you. I did tell him that if in future me and him are together, if I online but I might not reply him immediately because I'm talking to my friends but I will reply him when I can. Not because I place friendship over him, but I feel that I need balance. I see him every Friday to Sunday, staying at the same roof, is that important if I never reply him? We stay so near each other, we can meet up for supper once or twice a week? He is serving thrice a month in his church as drummer, he times are pack but I said it doesn’t matter. I know, if I go into relationship, you might not be able to trust me that I will prioritise friendship first, but time shows everything. Right now, we are seeing each other, building our foundation and stuffs that even though we are not officially, and by us seeing each other and stuffs, did I stop texting you? When you reply, did I ignore you? Can you see? I can tell for sure, be it now or in the future, I WILL NOT IGNORE YOU! I will not don’t reply you, when you reply. But all these, it comes to conclude, whether do I still have time. I want to have time for you, I want to fellowship with you, I want to build this friendship with you, but it is not my call, it is yours. You choose to prioritise relationship over friendship. Don’t tell me because I stay very far, if I want to fellowship, no matter far I need to travel, I will still travel. It is the heart that matters. Distance never an issue to me, I went to Bukit Batok for supper until 1 plus 2am before, after my class ends at 10pm, Tampines to Bukit Batok you know how far? But yet, I went. I can reject that fellowship over supper, but I did not. Why? Because I want to fellowship, and I don’t care the distance, how late it is gonna be. My buddy, I want you to know, you and this friendship that has been forged, matters to me. You are always in my mind, just same as Holly always in my mind, my entire cell group always in my mind, because every single one of you, are precious to me. That nothing can replace, even distance cannot stop me from moving forward in fellowship. This is something I want you to know. Be it, am I in a relationship in the future, how long can I live still, every single one that I love matters, that include you. I just want you to know, no matter what I will not ignore you, just as this song says “I will not leave you, always here for you.” Bear this words, it is my assurance of words towards you. My family… what you guys want from me? What does it mean “Always have plans on Saturday, cannot come want.” – Think about it, first before saying this to me. There are times, because of you all, I never go church service only join them for dinner. There are times, I still join you guys but rush down for service by grab only. Lately, I’ve a conference workshop ends at 330pm, but in the end? I left the conference 230pm, just to meet you guys for lunch at 3pm at Serangoon then from Serangoon rushed back to Suntec by grab. Did you guys see all these actions before saying that I don’t want spend time with you guys? I’m only one person, I’ve my stuffs to do as well, and you guys know that weekend especially Saturday I not free, why purposely want to put on Saturday? My leader is flying soon, I want to spend time with her. Sometimes, I feel that you guys just don’t understand me only. I give you guys time but even I’m tired just like that time when I’m having conference workshop that day, but did you guys know that tiredness but I still do? Before saying I don’t give you guys my time, think about those times when you guys just plan to eat on Saturday, even it clash did I not attend and find you guys?

Hearing this song, speaks so much pain in my heart. I’m not a good friend, not a good child, not a good family member. Friends won’t know what I want, even family. I want from my friends are don’t ignore me, don’t give me words but yet don’t mean them. I want is time from them, I need love as well. It’s tired that always give, then in the end is hurt and pain. Not sure whether how things will go, but God, if you really want to take me away from this world, can let me do something? Fill me till overflow, and let me do more things for my surrounding friends, let me complete the song that You called me to write. Let me encourage them through their exams. God, let me filled them with Your love and peace. Friends, I’m a human as well.. please, my heart is soft, it breaks easily. I also need love like everyone. I’m sorry for being not a good friend. If there is a chance, or time can turn back, I wished I could do more. I’m sorry. “那女孩对我说说我保护她的梦 说这个世界对她这样的不多 她渐渐忘了我但是她并不晓得 辩题轮上的我一天也没再爱过 那女孩对我说说我是一个小偷 偷他的回忆赛进我的脑海中 我不需要自由自想背着他的梦 一步步向前走他给的永远不重” “我是真的想一辈子赖在你身旁 可是你的步伐快到我已经追不上 倘若是我拖来你翱翔 愿从你生命彻底被遗忘 我是真的想独占你不跟谁分享 可是我真的傻才害你黯淡了光芒 别担心我是我不够好 你要找到比我更爱你的人爱你” ”回想我们走过的那些曲折 只有我们两个别人没法懂的 你说你累了 能不能放过我 我走了你别在难过心里有话都不想再说 记得以后你要快乐 ���世界没那么多因果 尽管有太多的不舍 这是你要的自由我还给你了” Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 26 July 2019/108pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #364

Last night, there is this precious and biggest lesson, I have learnt something new. Sometimes hiding for temporary is okay, but will not be able to hide forever. When someone tells you that “I know everything, dear. I know all things. I just don’t want to say.” – You know it is a sign for you that you should pour it all out already, but you just tank and tank and tank, and probably the person also not sure what to do then you will share. But I shared, though the reply is tough to process, and I did not wrong in the term of processing, and in the end, I got you ignore me because of my character that I have. Last night, I’m asking myself “Joey, is this what you want? If not, work it out on your side. She is not wrong, but you think what mistakes you make to end up yourself at this state of depressive mood? Think about it, if you start sharing with her and not just tell her you taking break, and drawing away from things in life, but share with her what you going through, will you come to this stage of your life?” – I think through, it is so true. If I start sharing with you from the beginning, this will not happen but because I choose to run away from people, choose to hide away from you, I need to bear these consequences. But, right that moment I told myself “Joey, this cannot carry on. Need to change how you always do things. And stop hiding from her. What are the fears you have? Fear she will be like Jaelle and Holly? No, she is totally different. Jaelle and Holly they are soft-hearted, patient with love, thought through their words make sure you not hurt, but what you need? Someone knock your mind, to really break you down till there is nothing to hide, and that someone you can be real and vulnerable to. So, Joey, what you can do now is.. everything be accountable to her, tell her everything and not hide. And she is just a text away, not that she has showed you that she doesn’t care about you, in fact she cares so much and always waiting so patiently. You are the one that make her felt disheartened, you are the one made her felt that she is not a good friend, what you can do now? Mend it back, and share with her everything. Just be real and true to her.” – After speaking that to myself, I woke up myself. Here I want to say, I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart. I should not hide from you what I’m going through, in fact I should be true and just share with you about it. I’m sorry for not standing in your position to see how you would be feeling. Forgive me. I hope it’s not too late to do what I should be doing. I’ve stopped my ministry, taking a break from everything in my life, but I’ve never stop serving God in my CG. My GPA dropped to 2.5, I was so stress because my exam failed, then retest even you get the highest in the retest they will take the just passed that marks only. Then I’ve a project that I submitted one month later, because I cannot focus my school works, as my mum always been making me stress. Right now, she is storing into my mind that my dad doesn’t care about me, don’t care about this family anymore, don’t love me anymore, and don’t treat me as his daughter anymore. All of these, in the end I’ve been shaken, is it true of what my mum have said? Every night has to see her attitude towards me, need to see her black face, need to see her temper that is thrown towards me, I’m stress and yet I’m tired. I’m a child, why parents issue they want to involve me in? Parent divorce, the child always is the innocence want, but for me.. I’m the child that get involve and pressure with everything. Now, my grandma has passed on. I’m just like “What can I do?” – I’m weak, but how weak am I? Very weak. Why? Because I’m afraid of losing. I don’t want to lose my friends(physical leaving or because of death that leaving) both I also don’t want. That same as my family, but because I know it is part of life parcel. I’m busy all the time, did not have anytime for my grandma, not even finding her for lunch because my school work I cannot catch up already, I really no time, and some more I have work, as well. With all of these, I more pressure. Times, I’m asking “Who can I talk to,” even God told me “Go to her. She is waiting.” Though I know who He is referring to, I never because I’m afraid I will trouble you. But right now, I’m going to put that kind of thought at the back of my mind, and I’m not going to always have that thought anymore. I will make that changes, I will share every single thing with you that is happening in my life. I will not hide from you any single more. All I need is, your trust towards me. I will change till you think I’m okay. If there is any day, I’m not doing good enough, I will improve it and be good. As I will come to you all the times, and I will not hide. I will not even run away if I did anything to make you angry with me, but in fact I will stop doing things that will make you angry. Even if I make you angry and you scold me, I’m not going talkback to you, but I will just listen to what you say and make that change of it. This is what I can assure you, and this is what I can tell you as well. If I go drinking, if I never eat, or when I sick eat unhealthy food, you scold me or smack me, I’ll just keep quiet because I know I’m wrong, I’ve no rights to talk back or defend myself in anyways. I know, right now I have no rights to give you any promise, but I hope you can trust that I really mean it, with this promise I made to you. I guess, I should be the one stepping back. I truly not sure are you okay, are you still angry with me, but that feel I have from you is, you did not want to talk to me. I’m sorry for causing you irritation. I’m sorry for being so annoying. I’m sorry for being a burden. I’m sorry for being a trouble. I’m sorry for doing what I've done, and now want to do something about it, become a place where sense it was you did not want to talk anymore. I cannot blame you, I cannot blame anyone, all I can blame is myself. Even the heart is breaking, even it is cracking to pieces, feeling that you did not want to talk to me, holly not even replying me anything, everything come to me, I only can do is let it break, and just cry by myself. I’m sorry, not you break me down, I'm the one that broke myself.. I’m wondering, what kind of friend am I.. 4 hours, not a single word I could type it out for my report. What did I done? I done nothing for my project report. What can I do? Text my lecturer and tell him I will submit a little later despite knowing it will affects my GPA. I loss my grandma, a friend not replying me, a friend don’t seem like wanna talk. For quite awhile already that my grandfather is in coma, my mum just everyday attitude me, my grandma just everyday command me to do things despite my busyness, I felt I'm a robot, learning to deal but to press it in. I remembered there is a night, I could not take it, I take my bicycle key and I change my clothes and cycled out to a park, sit down there I started crying. Who can I looked for? I know I can look for you, but that is middle of night 1am, which idiot will call someone at that point of time? That day, I just looked at the sky, talking to my great-grandparents and my uncle. I cried like there is no tomorrow, I cried like a kid. Got one day before service, my mum argued me with so badly as well, that is mother’s day weekend, I cried throughout the entire service.  Probably.. in this season of my life, I cannot be a friend anyone of you want me to be like in the past, because I continue give, I'm draining myself more and more. I’m not a robot, I've my own emotions and feelings, I will feel hurt and pain as well, why people just like to treat me as a robot? I guess, my heart is just breaking and all of these comes out bah. I’m sorry for not being a good friend, not being a good daughter and grand-daughter to everyone bah, but this season I need is understanding and not treat me as a robot, scold and command me to do things. I’m tired as well, I need my rest as well. Stop imparting that thoughts of my dad don’t care about me, don’t love me all these thoughts into my mind anymore, can! One day, not you gone crazy first, but you will drive me crazy in mind. I want my peaceful life back, can you stop doing this to me? I don’t want to care what’s between you and dad, I just want to go my own life, do what I want. You always do all these to me, tell me don’t share, don’t share.. I'm not like you can tank and tank, I will break down want. It’s my life, can just let me do what I want? I share my problem, not yours. Stop telling me to hide all my thoughts and emotions to myself, don’t train me to be like this, because I'm already in that thoughts of depression, and you are already driving me crazy as well. Is this what a mum should do? For my buddy, I'm sorry if I cause you did not want to talk to me, or did not want to reply me. I really no idea why I have such feels that you guys don’t want to talk to me, but I will learn to take a step back as well. I’m sorry that my family have drives me crazy already. I want to get my mind back on track, but each day all these happens, my mind is already crazy. I’m sorry for not earlier come to you, buddy. But, whatever things I did, I need to bear the consequences.. it’s hurting and pain, I felt that you did not want to talk to me, but I guess if I step back helps you, I will do so. I’m deeply sorry, buddy.  For my friend, I guess I have no words for you because you always don’t want to reply me. Towards you, I'm seasoned. I guess this is one good thing about you not being my buddy, because I will always get hurt by you, not break the wall that I build, but the hurt you always giving to me.. never mind, I accept it because this is what I have to do to accomplish my mission from God. You can ignore all you want bah, that is just you being you. Sighh.. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 23 July 2019/137pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #363

Lately going through much friends disappearing from my life, just because they are in a relationship. When want to find someone to talk, you not sure who to go to. Someone that you always talk not around, or someone you try to text but not replying, then in your mind will be like “is it I did something wrong? Why the person like suddenly drawing away?” This month, it is a stretching month to be, or I won’t say last month onwards, actually in fact I was so stress that my GPA result drop that badly, and so badly. From so close to 4.0 in my GPA, it drops to 2.5 for my current GPA. Family came to my biggest pressure, my biggest stress. I’ve been wanting to talk to you, and I thought Saturday will be a good day, but I came to think when I text you, you don’t even reply, will you even bother to talk to me? Then I came in a member told me that she is in a relationship, you don’t know? Then in my heart “Will this be another friendship that is going to be drawn away? If so, then who can I talk to in the future?” Afterwards, you came in that reply to me, I’m so lost if you did not know. I truly don’t know what is in your mind. One moment you tell me all of these, the next moment you like don’t really even reply me. Sigh, I guess this meant to be my life bah. I’m so sorry for being angsty towards you. I need to admit to you that, I was not going through an easy journey, I’m struggling but I’ve not been telling you about it. Our first emerge conference, Jaelle meet up with me and she is talking to me about the issue that I am having with Holly. Do you know something? Holly told Jaelle that I went to her house downstair to check on her? Do you know, as a friend of hers, how hurtful I felt? I cried that moment, and I blame myself so, so badly. But what I do? I keep all to myself. Do I complain or tell Jaelle how holly throw her attitude at me when she is tired and everything? No, I don’t. But she complains to Jaelle about me. I kept to myself about it. Just now, was having supper with holly and her mum. They were like kind of arguing and stuff I not sure what can I call that, I’m just trying to comfort holly, and she attitude me and tell me “Don’t touch me” and with actions, do you know how hurtful it is? I’m sorry, for not being a good friend, to you. I’m sorry that I’ve mistaken you that you are drawing from this friendship, and not caring about me, this friend. I’m sorry for being so angsty towards you as well, because I’m really so lost, and I am really confuse not knowing what is it truly you want, when you know I’m sick and yet what am I still eating for dinner. I’m sorry for not taking care of myself. I’m sorry for everything. I know, no matter how hard I try to be a good friend to everyone around me will never be enough, I’m sorry being such a failure friend to everyone of you, including holly. But, I’m really trying my best, this is what I want you to know. I’m really burning myself out, I’m really stretching myself over. I said I want to rest, I want to draw away from people around me, but did you know something? Not I draw away from them, but they draw away from me because of relationship. But even if one day you does that, I don’t feel surprise or anything, because all my friends are doing this already. It is hurtful, but what can I do? This is the moment to know what they treat you as. Truly a friend, or someone that only temporary until they found their partner and can cast away want. But, even if one day you draw away, I will not stop trying to build this friendship, will not stop trying to be there for you, even it could be tired. Even how you going to treat me similar as holly, I’m just gonna take it and just keep on saying sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry, my friend. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 21 July 2019/416am

[24jnxh]

Life Story #362

I’m sorry to my surrounding friends. I’m going to shut everyone out of my life, for a period of time. I’m just so sorry that I have no more to give, I’ve no more capacity to give in anymore. I’ve my own moments of being tired as well, especially when giving someone all the understanding I can, but yet, there is no one stand in my position to understand me. I not sure, how long will I shut everyone out of my life, but I just need now is the understanding you guys could give me, the support and prayer, as well as patient and love towards me. I know by saying that I’m taking a break and shutting everyone out of my life, it could seem selfish, but of course I will still reply those friends who need me to be there, I will still reply texts from time to time but of course, I will reply lesser and not as fast as before. I also wish that if you are my true friends, I wish that you guys will believe that as this time I draw away, I will come back. Please don’t think that I will not come back if I draw away, this time I need is your patient, support and understanding of trust for me. As well, to my surrounding friends, be it close or not close, I’m sorry that I’ve not been a good friend to any of you, ever since what happened to my parents and in my family. I know, I’ve not reached the expectation you guys would have for me, and in me. For this, I hope you guys can forgive me. I’m sorry as well for my temper and my attitude too. I know I’ve been angsty all the time, and did not want to interact anymore, as well putting up a mask in front of everyone, but I hope is that you guys could understand my intention of doing so. I know I should not, I should not even use serving to numb all the thoughts and pains I have, but forgive me that all these actions of mine, the thoughts I have meant well for everyone. I’m currently having heavy heart, and I’m tired not just physically but mentally as well. I realize all I need is someone understands me, and not just call me to understand them but not understanding me as well. It is because one side understanding, it is tiring. All I hope and wish is that all of you can give me that understanding that I needed. If I have no more capacity to give, the reason is because I’ve been giving and giving, even despite what I’m going through in life, what I’m going through in my family’s life, I just keep giving non-stop, but I get back was unappreciated, unloved, unequal treatment, and outcasted. I’m not receiving in any actions of gratitude. So, this break I need is to restore myself with God, and for this, I decided to shut all out from my life, and I will just walk out from the people’s life as well. Who meant to be stay, they will stay! I also want to do in actions of not talking to someone, since this person said that I don’t want to talk to her, when she is the one that did not want to talk to me, she is the one that always doing all the actions of not wanting to talk to me, and it turns out to become she say it was me who did not want to talk to her. Now, I will make her wish come true, her desire to happen as well. I will not talk, I will disappear and I will leave your life in this period of my break. Friend, I hope in the future you take good care of yourself. I will not be the one reminds you to take your stuffs, to keep your stuffs properly anymore. All your things, please keep it well, if not lost already, you will be sad. Take care! Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 27 June 2019/1050am

[24jnxh]

Life Story #361

Finally, after so many days since my uncle’s cremation till now, we have been arguing and having conflicts over this friendship, that this friendship nearly coming to an end because of all your said was not what I could see in actions. There are so many things that in our friendship that needs to be improve but also because in this season of period, I know I cannot love, I also don’t know how to love. In fact, I did not how to be honest with you about the relationship I once said to you before. I know, in this season I cannot love anyone. I know you cannot commit to this friendship as well, because everything you has given to your clique but leave nothing for the rest of your friendship, and so I thought that I could make this chance to attack you, so you could leave me in this friendship. I can see you are more genuine to that friendship of yours, you are more genuine to fellowship with them as well, that you don’t give a care to our friendship, so I came to this place it is good to called it as an end. But in the end, in fact, I was wrong. You let me see was, something different. Yes, you don’t have a genuine heart to fellowship with me, you don’t have a genuine heart to care and love me, you don’t have that genuine heart to read and reply my text, you don’t have genuine heart to treat me well and appreciate me, because all your genuine heart only can commit to one side, that is your clique, therefore you cannot be genuine to me. I’ve cried, this is something honest. I’ve cried about our friendship, in fact I’m hurting all the times, because I did not want to face what I want in heart but all I want to know and face is what could be better for my friends. Is by them staying here for me make them better, or to leave my life then will be better..? In another word, actually everything will be kind of difference. I wanted something better for you, since you can only commit to your clique, thought I let go, and you let go, you will be so much better because at least you are with your clique, that they are your joy and pillars of fun only, then if you cannot omit to this friendship, then I feel there is no reason to hold on. Friendship just like a relationship. You need to commit to it. But not only commit to the most favorite to you, then your other friendship can neglect. Friendship is also about commitments. If you only want to commit to that one and only friendship, what else can I say? All I can do is, to let you go, am I right? Because you stay, you only will let me know that how much I cannot trust you, and how much you are treating me like shit, and whatever you say that you are genuine to me was just fake. In another word, do you like me to say that you are a liar? No right?.. This is why, I wanted you to leave my life. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 4 June 2019/306pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #360

“没有, 谁能够想到 你会, 出现我身旁 也许, 是命运开的玩笑 不敢, 太靠近你的 身边, 怕你会嫌烦 只有, 一个人默默孤单 是什么让我们遇见的 是什么让距离更近了 不奢求你多好 给我多一点微笑 你只是一过客, 从你的世界路过 我不敢太多不舍, 怕你看出我难过 也许我想的太多, 却不能给你什么 努力把伤心变少, 笑容变多就好了 我只是个陪伴者, 陪着你伤心难过 寂寞它每天数着, 你那么多的失落 你想要什么你说, 只要我现在有的 我们之间的点点滴滴, 我一直都记得” This lyrics just seem so meaningful to me. It just speaks of my heart out and especially how I felt in a certain way. I did not dare to express myself much, because I’m afraid you could see through that I’m sad in some ways, but yet I’m trying to lesser the hurt and pain, trying to put that smile on your face, but then I know I’m a passer-by, that only pass by your life. As well, in my loneliness, I’m silently working behind your back, to be there silently for you when you are in pain, when you are sad, if there are times of joy and happiness we shared, I will keep in my mind and remember them all. All I want is, silently working behind your back, just want to be that angel secretly protecting you, even I’m just a passer-by in your life. As well, I know I cannot give you anything in your life, but I know your friends, your priority of important friends can give you what you want in your life, but I know that person will not be me. Thank you, for once coming into my life. Now, I’m letting go of you. This pain cannot never imagine, because I’m losing a friend that I hold close to in my heart, that I’m so willing to give everything that I have, just to be there for you. Just so willing to sacrifice my time, just for you. What a life experience with you, I’ve known that I learnt something new. It’s not easy to go through life with you, even though many times you break your words of assurance to me, that break that trust I’ve built towards you, but this friendship is a roller coaster ride, where is coming to an end. I know you will feel so much better in your life, with better best friend that will treat you so much better than I do. They could give you what you want and that I could not give it to you. I’m so sorry for being that friend that could not give you anything that you wanted from me, and because of all, I’ve destroyed our friendship. I’m not a friend that suitable for you in your life, perhaps I’m a friend that you should not keep in your life, because I’m just so hopeless, old-mind thinking that whatever people said will be act on action. I always see actions bigger than anything, but whatever we said must be act on it as well. I’m not suitable to be your friend, as well I’m not wise to be your friend. My friend, here I wish you happy with your life after I leave your life. I wish that you could find a better best friend, probably in your priority of important, and probably they will not be treating you the way I do. I want you to know that, whatever I’m doing right now, is truly meant well for you, and all I want to see is you to be happier, with that smile on your face. I’m sorry, for giving up on this friendship easily, because I could not know if I can still trust in you anymore, and could I trust in your words of assurance because your actions always not with your words, that you’ve always breaking that trust I’ve given to you and that you have built in our friendship. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 31 May 2019/1147am

[24jnxh]

Life Story #359

Yesterday, 11 May 2019, things happened in the house that causes the biggest pain and stress in my heart. It was also the first, from morning 11 plus I started crying, and stopped at 1 plus, and during worship that moment of tears, that moment of break down that I had, that moments my tears have not stopped flowing out from my eyes. Even till the end of service, and during debrief I started to tear again. A member poke on me and say hi, then I looked up then realize her face like beside me, that moment I did not dare to look at her, because I know my eye’s condition, and to say that I’m okay, I’m just fooling her only. That’s not what I want either in my life. After debrief, was talking to a cellgroup member, and I notice a member wanted to sit in and be here for me, as well as to listen what I’m going through and what’s happening to me. But the member who is talking to me, tell her nevermind and followed the others first. After talking, I stopped crying, but when my leader came and talked to me and asked me what happened, then I started crying again. Afterwards, I realize I promised a member to accompany him to go get mos burger, but I could not find him. Not long, he contacted me and I went to find him. When we reached mos burger, a thing that truly given me that warm in my heart. Though many things I still don’t really remember, though you know that I’ve always been feeling that you treated me as a stranger and everything, you have been trying to do things to let me don’t feel that way. Thank you for remember what I love to eat from mos burger. Though I not sure, whether why you suddenly went to buy mos burger, was is it because you are craving for it, or you just intentionally go there, just because you know that I love the mos-chicken over there. Afraid that I might not want to buy anything to eat, so you did it to go get it for me, or are you not sure how long our conversation will take so intentionally want to get food for me? I not sure. But, truly thank you for that thought that you have towards me and for me. Though, honestly tell me, did you ever blame me when I told you I couldn’t remember you? Did you even question about it, why things are like this? Did you doubt like why out of so many people, why is it you I could not remember? I want you to know, this is important to me. Trust me, I say is important and wants to know, not to blame myself, but I really want to know your true feelings. But, I want to thank you. Thank you for listen last night. I did not want to cry in front of you, I remember got once when I was crying so, so badly, someone wipe my tears for me. If I did not remember wrongly, it was you who did so. I did not want the same thing happened again. I know each time when I cried so badly, your heart might not feel good, so I did not want to let you see that side of me. I’m sorry, that I was holding back my tears last night when I share with you. I want you to know that is not that I cannot be vulnerable towards you, but it was that I cannot let myself to cry in front of you. One of my friend was saying this to me, “You so strong, will cry want meh?” I realize, I’ve truly trying to be strong. I can’t deny the fact of what you said last night. I’ve been trying to carry my burdens by myself, that’s why I feel so heavy. “It is easy to find good leader, but it is important and not easy to find a great leader.” – I would say, I’m glad that one thing is, I’ve found it, that is Shermeen, Jaelle, Zann, Val, Johann and you. I would translate the meaning as well to, “It is easy to find good member, but it is important and not easy to find a great member.” – I also want to say that I’m glad that I’ve found it, that is Javis, Felicia, and Charissa. As well as, I can translate to, “It is easy to find good friend, but it is important and not easy to find great friend.” – I also want to say that I’m glad that I’ve found it, that is Roxanne, Minjia, Tammi, and Nicky. Do you remember what you asked me about the book that Johann gave it to me? Let me share with you what I understood in the first two chapters bah. It is easy to be a leader, it is easy to be a good leader, but it is not easy to be a great leader. A leader have to always refresh themselves, a leader have to remember the purpose that God has called them to be, a leader have to always keep that desire in mind, a leader have to always have a willing heart. Everything like seem is so easy right, but let’s think about it, how true is it? Being a leader not easy, even I would say, it is tough to be a leader actually. My heart go all out to the leaders in my life, Jaelle, Zann, Shermeen, Val, and Holly. I’m sorry with many things I’ve done. I know since 6 years ago, I don’t often share, I always tends to hide things by myself. I know being a leader isn’t a easy journey for you guys. I know, I could be a little annoying, giving irritation to people around me, because all of my attitudes, but thank you for bearing with me throughout this 6 years, bearing all my behaviors and let me understand things in life. Anyways, I want to say about yesterday: Firstly, thank you for asking me for opinion and what I think about it like whether should you submit your song to emerge. Though, I think you should, but before submitting, you need do a few things before doing so first. But, I want to tell you is, it is a good song that is written. Do you know what? You have talent. You did well. Of course, along the way, to make this song sound much better, we will help you along the way. As a team, things are possible to be done okay? Secondly, thank you for that thought of getting me food. I was shocked and I was surprised as well. Like I did not imagine for that to even happen. But I know, I could not reject as you might not even take any reasons I would say, so all I know is I could only say thank you to you about the food. Lastly, thank you for listening to me. It is tough for me in this season, but I thank God that what I have right now. So, I would say that I’m blessed still. When you hugged me last night, I wanted to cry, but I told myself, I cannot cry, I cannot let my tears to flow out. When I turn back and you walked in, I started crying. That warm of love I felt that moment. Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 12 May 2019/1048pm

[24jnxh]

Life Story #358

Since 26 April till now, it’s been 10 days. When the day, you knew I couldn’t remember you, I’ve asked you to share with me what we shared in the past, you told me this, “There’s a lot that happened and it was my fault.” That moment, my mind is flood with thoughts, flood with memories of flashback. Then the next day you said this, “There were a lot, a lot of good memories that we had which I cherished a lot.” Then the next flashback, I had was how I nagged at you about your relationship with someone. Actually, do you know what I’ve been thinking in this 10 day? In this 10 day, I’ve been waiting, and thinking will you share with me what was between us instead of me depending of all the flashback to verify with you, was it the truth or false. But, in this 10 day, you did not share with me anything that was between both of us. In fact, (I’m sorry if this upcoming what I say, will hurt you), you let me feel that you are happy, is it true? Happy because I will not remember what between us, between you and this someone, so I won’t nag anymore? Happy because you will be able to stop sharing with me, stop being vulnerable towards me? Happy because you could treat me like a stranger? Happy because I will not remember about our supper fellowship thought? Happy because what you promise me in the 10 listing, I could not remember? Is it true, that you are happy that let everything just be flashback and better don’t remember about it, therefore you choose not to share with me, even I asked about it? Then afterwards at the evening you said, “Thank u for encouraging me like how u always do in the past. (with two emoji over there).” I’m thinking what is these two emoji that you sent to me means. Afterwards I send you a long text of how I feel about the sermon, the next day morning, which is EPS RAVE REUNION that day, you replied and said, “Of course I’ll be here to support and encourage you with the best of my capabilities and not judge u aiyo.. will also be continuously praying for u and believing that you will be okay Jand I will of course stay even though the process is going to be long and tough – that’s what’s friends are supposed to do for each other.” Then thoughts came again, so, what do you want? Want me to remember is a joy to you, or better forever can’t remember and just have little flashback then is a joy to you? Then we travel home, you told me that you are like making a new friend with a brand new memory that you need to do self-introduction from the start, and when you said that find another best friend, in your heart, can I ask, how do you feel actually? Do you feel hurt? Do you feel pain? Do you feel sad? I don’t know how you feel, but do you want to know how I feel? That day, when you said that, on the spot I have some flashback that you mentioned about it before that I want to cry, but I told myself I cannot cry. Why do I want to cry? In my heart, I felt so pain, like there is something slashing my heart into many, many pieces. The next day, which is 29 April, in the morning you replied me, “I’m not asking you to go find another best friend cause you are my best friend.” Do you yet know what was my thought again? It is why do you still don’t want to share with me what we been through, if I’m your best friend? Is it because will be a joy to you, so you choose not to tell me and let me remember, because you will be happier? After overnight NT Bible Challenged, I have a lot of reflection, I even remember who is that guy. I’m thinking, why in this 10 day, given of 10 days, you did not want to tell me and share with me what between us, why you suddenly treated me like stranger, because you did not want me to know the both of you together, so I will not nag. Why you stop being honest, and sharing with me things, being vulnerable towards me, because you rather not to have such a friend in your life, so you have joy and you will be much happier. Is this the truth that why you did not want to tell me and share with me what we have been through? Is it because you did not want to share with me, so you choose to say it’s your fault? It is because you did not want me to remember anything, just have those small tiny flashback will be enough, as long as I don’t nag at you, then you will be much happier? 10 days.. given 10 days, been waiting for 10 days. Waiting for the day that you will share, waiting for that day you will be vulnerable towards me. In fact, from the day I told you I could not remember who are you, I’ve been waiting and waiting. What am I waiting for? I’m waiting for you to tell me the truth of how you feel, waiting for the day you to be vulnerable towards me again, we can talk many things, you will tell me many things, share with me many things, share with me how hurt you are and everything, waiting for the day that you will tell me what happened between us and what memories we shared, but waited for 10 days, the day never come. Question 1: Is it true that you don’t want me to remember? Question 2: Is it true the reason you don’t want me to remember, because you don’t want me to know you and him are together? Question 3: Is it true that you rather don’t have a friend like me anymore, that’s why treat me like a stranger? Question 4: Is it true that you don’t want me to remember what between us? Question 5: Is it true that you don’t want me to remember our plan is to have fellowship over supper? Question 6: Is it TRUE that you want me to find another best friend? Question 7: Is it TRUE that you don’t want me to remember, so I will not nag anymore? Question 8: Is it TRUE that I’m such a worst friend to you? In this 10 day, these 8 questions stuck with me for 10 days. I’m thinking why. What are the possible answers that I can have? Is it the answers are all true? Answer 1: True, I don’t want you to remember. Answer 2: True, I don’t want you to remember, because I together with him officially. Answer 3: True, I don’t want a friend like you anymore, therefore I treat you as a stranger. Answer 4: True, I don’t want you to remember what between us. Answer 5: True, I don’t want you to remember the plan we have thought of. Answer 6: True, I want you find another best friend. Answer 7: True, I don’t want you to remember, so you will not nag me anymore. Answer 8: True, you are a worst friend to me. These are all the answers that I had within myself. These are all the question I can tell myself, and explained why the past 10 days, you did not want to share with me what was between us, and why you stop being vulnerable towards me. When I had a little memory back, how you used to be vulnerable to me, and shared with me about you and him, everything like become a stranger moment, you had treated me like. 10 days, 10 days the stranger feeling, just like telling me, “You better don’t remember what between us, you better don’t remember anything.” Then this morning you replied and said, “It’s good that you have flashbacks of what we used to experience in our friendship because at least that reassured me that u still remember me in some way.” In my heart, I’m asking myself is it truly from your heart. I really no idea, which is the true and which is the false statement of yours. Which is the true and which is the false actions of yours, as well. Can you tell me the 8 answers is it true? If not, why the past 10 days, you did not want to share with me what we’ve been through? Do you remember on 28 April 2019, we had our RAVE REUNION, I bought coke, and you told me do I remember you always nagged at me, because I’m not suppose to drink coke, and on MRT you also said, “I don’t like to nag people” with a very soft tone, you let me think through. Actually, do you know now whenever I drink coke, I will feel like vomiting actually? In fact, that day you like this asked me, “What are you drinking?” That moment, I’m thinking why this lady so funny. Awhile like want me to remember, but awhile don’t want me to remember, just at least flashback, then what this lady wants? 10 day, and why? Actually, I’m also quite curious other than the 10 days why you never want to tell me and share with me our experience and what is between us, other than this, I’m curious also if in future my memories totally dash off, totally erase, I remember no one, none of anyone, not even my family, then how you will react and feel?  On a side: Yes, tomorrow starting to work at Suntec, so shiok. Working at Krispy Kreme, is going to be a new experience. Though job scope will be similar as Dunkin Donuts, but does that matter? No. Can’t wait to start work until 4pm, and afterwards will be meeting my ZS. Though, a little nervous to meet ZS tomorrow, but can’t wait for that fellowship of conversation with him as well. Truth to be told, he actually a quite funny man, and as well as a funny friend to me.  Life Story World – XH Ng Time Check: 6 May 2019/355pm