25536

[25536]

Rosalina Q4 learning: Everyone can criticize and complain, but it needs a real character to understand and forgive.

You got this 911

[25536]

Lebih dewasa, lebih tenang, lebih bertanggungjawab, lebih kuat, meski sambil haduuh haduuuh

A pretty cheesy title aint it? But, well, it is what it is. A sudden realization struck me today in the midst of unruly everything. Works had pretty much consumed me lately, and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel happy that another level unlocks, yet there's no real satisfaction. I don't really think what I'm doing is impactful and all these efforts had been scribbled all over.

Nonetheless this sloka I found in one of my ex-teacher posts turns the light on. That perhaps, all this hustle, all this hardship is meant to grow you. But what is growing anyway?

I never really know what is growing other than adding some more skills to your being. The more practical skills that you know, the more chance that you can survive. But is life about surviving? What about being?

The sloka opens the same way as the Quran 15:85 that with hardship come ease. And explain further to see hardship as a challenge to be "lebih dewasa, lebih tenang, lebih bertanggungjawab, lebih kuat" Well, kuat dan dewasa, for me again is an absurd concept while tenang dan bertanggungjawab are character of a strong and mature. So there, there, I got the clue of what I need to become. That is to be more calm and responsible. Strange isn't it that u just realizing the meaning of being responsible and calm in this almost 27 yo. Hoho!

[25536]

BANGSAT!

Kalau yang lo mau adalah ngubah gue jadi cewe gila. Yesh, yesh, yesh, yesh. You did a fucking great job here. I feel angry. At first, I felt disappointed. So damn disappointed that I know I need to talk it out once we meet. But babe, no contact had been made! Where should this disappointment dikuwarin? That's when the disappointment turns into anger, and its triggers this abandonment issue within. Say what you want babe. I'll say mine.

[25536]

Huuhuh!

In a total mood for crying, idk why. Perhaps it's the cup of the cold brew that's made it? Weird eh? Coffee has always had this #feelingintensifying effect on me. Or, is it Bali? The so-called home for almost 27th years of my existence. Bali has preferred to alter its scene from time to time. Creating such instability. . The latest arrival broke me down to tears! Shitty shit, there are people watching, and ofc creating some misunderstanding. The feeling was so intense that I barely comprehend. It was fear, exhaustion, envies and yeah uncertainty. What can I expect from this new setting, and what kind of change that I need to face? Will it be good, or will it be bad? Oh well, turns out the very first encounter aint fulfilling, and correct, a simple touch activating the turbulence. . Days pass and tbrh, it aint meet, even the lowest standard I'm having (?). It is flaky, adj that is waaay waaay incoherence towards the Bali I used to know. Left me uneasy, made me sad, and wanted to riot! Hmm.

[25536]

Growing in THAT department

If it was my boundaries, my physical self worth, that was being pushed and questioned. Noow, after all that issues resolved, its my brain that ain't enough. Well, me is working on that department.

[25536]

Spinning Around

What's the correlation between restlessness, fidgety, wrath, and the starveeee? I mean, how can it be happening while I have oh so many things to do like many manyyyy....

[25536]

New Moon In Aquarius: A Night of Nothing

So, while this sun Pisces is getting dimmer, the new moon in Aquarius is putting an end to such journey. No not that this Capri guy is not nice, he is definitely the type of guy who will make his partner go head over heels. With his strong, smart, and delicate charm, every girl would long for more. It is that he's so nice that I'm starting to question my worth. That I feel ain't good enough for him. But also oh, fuck that guy who makes me feel so inadequate!

All, and all, me is back in my fragile state. Where, u know, start to have certain eggspectasyon on pipol, and affraid it goes further and that I can't control. On the other hand, he aint prepared. He is being broken down so bad, by his past that stepping ahead is a big bad thing.

FUCK, FUCK ALL PAST RELATIONSHIP THAT BREAKS PEOPLE THAT THEY START TO HURT OTHERS. Maaaan! Shall I end shall I continue? well, who tf knows.

[25536]

I think the lesson of today is that life ain't perfect, and well, what we really need to do is that to accept. Accept.

[25536]

When errthing run well

What are you wishing to be happneing?

[25536]

In need for having a good cry tp gtw knp :((((

[25536]

the thing I realized about my self now, is that I'm being afraid to show who I am and show me. I've been muted myself. and that's suck.

I need to re learn the act on having small talk also showing my self more than my look.

[25536]

Babe...

Why cant you love me??

[25536]

Patah Hati

Rasanya nyerinyeri lucu gituuu, kayak sakit tapi geli, gimana yak? Ada merindingnya, ada pingin ketawanya, ada sedihnya. Kayak berusaha tetap tegar, padahal pinginnya nangis. Nangis juga tapi sadar ga ada gunanya. Jadi lebih banyak hela napas aja siiik... Ehehe

[25536]

In the middle of breakdown

why am i never enough for someone. why my truest intention willing the best shits for this significant person is meaningless. why. just why can't i ever be enough? ha! .

but okey let's reframe it.

.

why is this person is such a neat picky ass! don't he ever learn that no such perfect shits are available in this world. but well, it is what it is aight?

[25536]

In the end of the day life is about letting go, isn't it? No matter how hard you tried to cling, time wont forgive.

[25536]

It's you lost...

'Wah, rugi dong gue...,' said you. Indeed babby, indeed.

[25536]

Quarter Life Crisis

Henlo how are you hope that you're doing fine, I think I got my quarter lyfe crisis rn. Eheeeee......

Professional Area

Work - It's feel like I'm trapped, feeling under water and don't know where to look up to? I mean, I feel that they see me as incapable, and I feel like I have no opportunity where to show my skill at. Yk? Feels like no one is wiling to help me, and confused af, siapa yang bisa ditanyain weeey. But, uh, let me validate it later.

By this, I'm also thinking to not value my self simply based on my work, and really try to think work = money, nothing is personal and or put too much on it, as my growth and learning process. But then, I simply feel that the current amount of money is not enough, and need to pindah career. Yet, previous action to switch career domain is killing, and now I don't see any opportunities.

This is very doable to have another side kick, and really taking work as it is. Barrier to entry? It's really just my portofolio and cv that need to be brushed off. Also, I'm still really gemas and kepo to be a consultant. Hehehehe.

Well, to reduce my anxiety, I'm gonna have my review and ask on what to be improved, while also showing my skills. Better be done in JKT tho. Also, I see opprtunity to sho my learning and work by making some tulisan about this.

Social Area

Intinya mah, urang ngerasa masih miskin and nowhere around sejajar with other people. Selalu ada ruang-ruang yg bisa diimporve, mulai dari look, posture, knowledge, circle dll.

Lowkey feels my circle is stuck and no room for improvement, even if they exist I'm afraid to connect thinking that I'm lacking in something. Silly, I know, but my self-worth really is somewhere me too geleng-geleng once I realized. And yesh, more often than not it's about my self-worth.

Also, the way I failed Riika, saddens me like crayy, like yk I'm not that reliable at the end of the day. But well, I'm gonna make amend, and really work on myself and the project with my friends, promised.

Even so, I'm grateful that I

Pretty aware of what I'm lacking at, and working on it, even if so effin slow. :)

Having a loving acceptable family and fwens, that love and care for me.

Have this health.

Progressing in relational thingy, even if now it's steeping low, at least I'm making progress regarding lowness level. Aha!