29th-taintedlotus

[29th-taintedlotus]

lmw

March 05, 2021

Maybe we were both just starved of affection we both lost from the ones we used to love. Even I couldn’t believe it was happening at first. I told you this morning there was no need for apologies because I know I wanted it too. I also told you to forget about it... but I can’t. It feels like having a taste a new drug that I know I’ll pine for in the long run, even though it’s wrong and feels illegal. 

[29th-taintedlotus]

Is it so selfish of me to want you to show even a little amount of sadness, too? Is it so selfish of me to want to know that there are times when your heart aches so bad that you couldn’t sleep at night, too? Is it so selfish of me to want to know that there are times when you wake up and the first thing you do is cry because you’re reminded again that everything wasn’t just a bad dream after all and that your nightmare is no longer just in your head?  If I’m being selfish for wishing that you’re hurting as much as I do, will you forgive me for it, too? Because I know I shouldn’t be. I really want you to be happy, I do. But sometimes when I think about how unaffected you are, it really stings. So bad. Sometimes when I think about how forgotten I am gonna be to you sooner or later feels unacceptable, even though I know that’s how it really goes and that’s what’s good for you. And believe me, that’s what I want you to do. It’s just hard to imagine that someday my name and my memories wouldn’t even matter to you; that I’m just gonna be someone who’s in the past, someone who have once been, and someone who’s no longer relevant. Isn’t it scary? Not mattering to the people who matter the most to you? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

-

12-19-20 14:35 Inamorata

[29th-taintedlotus]

7:05 AM

This is the day of your flight. Are you getting ready as of this moment? I bet your excitement is now immeasurable. I'm genuinely happy for you. You've been waiting for so long to go home and in a couple of hours, you will finally be there.

I'll admit that I still have that selfish part of me wishing you'd stay here, near me; where I can see you and hold you whenever. But when I think about what you said-- about you losing yourself and missing everything, I'd hate myself for wanting you to stay in the place where you're unhappy. I don't want you to stay unhappy.

There's not a day you left my mind. I want to go there today so bad but I know I'd hate to always remember the picture of you leaving. Maybe I Iike my last memory of you better. The very last moment I saw you was when I looked back as I was entering the bus home. You were standing there, waiting for me to get in while holding the three pieces of paper from my journal that I gave you. I vaguely remember what I wrote there. Did my words catch up with my emotions?

The way you stood there and waited for me to ride a bus always takes me back to the same familiar view when you were sending me home almost daily back when I was still living in NIA. It was like a reminder of how great the day went and that I'll see you again after the next sunrise. Maybe that's why even if I want to see you one last time, I can't bring myself to. Because I'd rather believe to the next sunrise with you than to be reminded that I will never get to see days as beautiful as those again nor face as beautiful as yours again.

--

Inamorata,

11/17/20

[29th-taintedlotus]

It's only the fourth day of November. I wish I could stay at her place but I was afraid that if I spent another minute there, everything I've been trying to keep inside would come out and she'd know how much I lied to her. When I was resting my head on her lap as she was braiding my hair, I felt like this vulnerable child longing for that warm embrace. The movements of her hand, the slight caress on my head-- it was a moment of security, like everything will be alright, though it's not. It was hard to keep my tears from falling. When we parted, it was hard to keep myself from breaking down in front of her and make her not want to let go. I wanted to say don't let me go, but I can't 'cause I need to.

I need to go.

Please take good care of my dearest friend. Protect her soft little caring heart. I love her so much.

[29th-taintedlotus]

I want to go to sunken garden, lay on the grass there and just stare at the starless sky tonight.

[29th-taintedlotus]

--

I had a nightmare last night. It's vague, but I remember the last parts.

We were at Central. I suppose you're sending me home.

Suddenly I can't move. I watched you as you continued walking. When you realized I was no longer by your side, you stopped and turned your head to look at me, but everything went darker. The lamp posts were fading, the buildings were fading, the cars were fading. You were fading. Then everything started revolving. You were shouting but I can no longer see your face. Your silhoutte started to change. We kept revolving. I just stood there, confused, and with a heavy heart.

When the rotation ended, my eyes opened. It was dawn, I think. I couldn't move and I felt a sensation of falling. In this part I can't tell if I was still dreaming because my eyes were open and I can see my room. I tried to close them. I succeeded. I knew I was conscious. I was trying to move. Then I felt something grabbed my arm. I let it until it started to feel like it's pulling me so aggressively. I wanted to get away. I screamed. Unsure if someone in this house heard, but it stopped. I was able to move again. I went downstairs to drink then went back to sleep. I don't remember if I had another dream after that.

The heavy feeling, it's still here.

I have to go somewhere today but I feel so heavy that I don't even want to sit. When I woke up two hours ago, I just stared at nowhere, listening to every noise I could possibly hear-- the fan, the dogs, the people downstairs, the kids, the birds outside, to the sound of my breathing. Suddenly I don't feel real again.

Shirkers (2018) dir. Sandi Tan

[29th-taintedlotus]

We had a lot of fun today. 

Well, I had.

It was like nothing changed. Was it wish-granted? When I said that I want that us back? Even for a day, or perhaps the remaining days we’ll be together... will be days like today, like nothing ever changed. I’m just so happy. When we were racing that late in the evening, when you took off your mask and laughed, when we were both catching our breath... it was the happiest moment I’ve had in the last few months. I just want to stare at you smiling like that forever.

Happiness is scary. 

But I want more of it, just a little more of it.

---

Red Tie and Mirror Shots

Inamorata,

10/29/20

[29th-taintedlotus]

ATM, a happy new year, and sixty birthday greetings

1. You know what I told my father earlier? I said that I would just stay the night in your place for the mean time. Of course I was scolded, but I hope you didn’t worry that much because he didn’t say anything about you. I was able to calm him down by being calm myself and with some jokes. Hehe. Aren’t I something? Jk, jk. He said that that’s the worst thing I would have done to him if ever. And I thought that if only he knew what I would actually do before new year’s eve, he’d realize that there’s a much worst way a daughter could hurt her father than sleeping over at a man’s house before marriage.

 2. Sometimes even I confuse myself. I don’t know what I really feel after this day. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. It’s contradicting. I feel opposite feelings simultaneously. What does that make me?

I was thrilled that I got to see you again, happy to be with you again, to be in that apartment. I wanted to dance whenever I’d hear you laughing and smiling as you watch Family Guy, and sing along when I saw you listening to Cavetown. When I was lying beside you, hearing your heart beats and feeling the movements of your chest, everything felt somehow reassuring and my static mind would stabilize again. When we were kissing, it felt like how it used to feel when everything was still in favor of our love. My heart burst into tears. My very own ecstasy.

But there were also times when I felt like a hollow. There were moments when I felt like crashing, times when I looked at you and everything just turned blue. Sometimes even just looking at your bed’s roof hurts so fucking deep. And your eyes, sometimes they hit me like a dagger, reminding me of what’s already gone. Then I'd ask myself, what if we never learned to fight? What stories could you be excitedly telling me? I will betray myself again but, I kinda miss your enthusiasm. I wish we never learned to fight. It makes my heart bleed my very own ecstasy.

I cried a lot earlier—on your bed, in your bathroom, in tric, and at Central while I was waiting for a bus home. I think, in a sense, I was glad that I was soaked by the rain and that I was all alone there. It was the first time that I cried in public that loud. Letting it all out there felt nice. Screaming along with the rain and the noise of the speedy vehicles under the mask I was wearing felt nice.

  3. I had episodes of that strange visions again earlier, only this time it was rather painfully nostalgic than scary. Nevertheless, it still felt surreal. It started when I was watching your back while you were on your laptop. I might have stared too long that I started seeing the old view of your back, with you wearing your uniform under that navy blue jacket of yours, and your hair’s shorter. It broke me down. I'll betray myself again... I want you back. Then I started hearing Bcake’s and Ms. Quando’s voice arguing on the corner of your bed. When I looked at your kitchen, there’s us. When I looked at your brother’s room, there’s us. When we were heading to the gate, for a moment, I’d see us in front of me, wearing our uniform and walking in such a hurry. When I look in the uni, I’d see us. Everywhere, I’d see every bit of my memories. When I was in tric., I’d see you and I in the mirror… how I wish you look at me that way again. And the worst moment was when I was on the bridge—I heard laughters, I heard ukulele playing, I heard footsteps, and I felt a warm breeze. It was raining in the evening but I felt a warm afternoon breeze. I kept walking even though it was getting harder for me to breathe and see. Now that I think about it, I was lucky I didn’t fall down the stairs…

Take me back.

  4. I wish we didn’t do those “everything else,” whenever I came over to your apartment. I really didn’t want it to be the way you remember our last memories together. I wish we just stayed on the kisses and hugs and cuddles. But I got to admit that I always crave your touch so much. I am hungry for your warmth. I want to feel you in every part of my body, and I want you to feel me, too. I always want to see the most hidden parts of you, and I want to expose all the hidden parts of me, too.. to you. I always gave in, and when I do, it’s hard for me to stop. When we’re connected like that, I never want to stop. It’s never just a temptation for me. I gave in to my vulnerability. Your lips, your body... you. You’re my utmost vulnerability.

 5. There’s so much more I wanted to tell you at the ATM. When this year is over, everything will change in a very delightful way. So happy new year… as you will be a lot happier than you have ever been in your previous years. Happy new year… as you will have a new beginning and a fresh, new you, and I guarantee you that it’s gonna be on  its best version. Happy new year… as you will meet new amazing people and a new amazing woman who is way way better than your previous one. Happy new year… as you will have a blast! You’re gonna be a lot more spontaneous than ever. You will make the most of everything, of every opportunity. As you are going to live an awesome freaking life, all of you. Then...

Happy birthdayssssss, and I’m sorry but I really think that you are only going to reach 60s because of your lifestyle *insert angry face* But you can prove me wrong again, can’t you? So then I challenge you to live longer than what I anticipated. To hundreds! Be old and gold! That’s rock ‘n’ roll for ya.

 And every time the sixteenth day of the second month of the year comes, remember that I am always the one who greeted you first. UNTIL YOUR 60TH BIRTHDAY! Hah! So :P to your new girl soon to be, whoever she may be. Triple :P :P :P

I can no longer keep my promise to you that I will live my life to the fullest because we still have this insane pandemic situation until the next two months, so be a sweetheart and do it for me, alright? 

 6. Let’s meet again. Somewhere. Someday. Inside different entities... if those stuff are real, I’ll promise to meet you again. There, I’d love life. I’d love me. There, loving me would be so much easier and I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. There, we would create a better story. We would make it through everything. Someday. Somewhere.

10/26/20 Time’s 5:36 AM “Earlier” = yesterday (10/25)

[29th-taintedlotus]

i just can't escape...

[29th-taintedlotus]

happy

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately...

A lot of people had been able to make me happy, some continuously do. The most special people in my life and the ones who know about my deepest sadness have been making efforts to make my lips form a smile. They always try their best to make me happy...

but what about me?

What have I done for others? For my family, for my friends... for all the people who loved me and whom I loved?

Have I ever made anyone truly happy? What have I ever contributed?

What have I ever done for anyone?

I'll soon leave. And the thought that all these people will remember me with nothing but someone who’s just there, just another person... It’s disappointing.

[29th-taintedlotus]

Here's, once again, the nostalgia that this cold night is bringing.

The burning sensation's still clear. This warmth inside me despite the chilly weather's still clear... from hours of happiness we spent, that I will forever carry.

Your voices still echo in every corner of my mind, filling my heart with hopes that one day the sound will once again become clear.

Those happy memories that I wish I could just stay on for the rest of the time I spent here.

Maybe it's pure sentiment, a gravitating sentiment.

I always knew that I will value those moments even on the days I was still living on it, but truly, one cannot be fully prepared to the melancholic nostalgia that comes after, from the longing and the emptiness that will be left.

I'm only saying that I would love to hear the footsteps again-- on the dry season when the crunchy leaves satisfies our ears as we walk, and on the days when we'd hate the rains for wetting our shoes-- I would love to hear them just once again.

The different expressions of joy, annoyance, gratefulness, and even boredom in your faces from day to day. The smiles, tears, shouts, and even the comforting silence-- I would love to be surrounded again.

I'm looking through the windowpane, trying to get lost in the sound of the ramping rain...

And here's, once again, the nostalgia that this cold night is bringing.

----

oikogéneia mou

[29th-taintedlotus]

Whatever it is that will happen, or no longer happen...

I was just not up for anything anymore-- since a very long time ago. I may have just forgotten about it for quite a while but it was the initial plan all along. So never ever blame anyone. It’s no one’s fault.

Not yours, specially.

I was already hopeless when you found me, a humanoid version of mess and misfortune-- that's what I was, what I have always been-- a person molded by lingering traumas and misery. A goner.

Being hopeful and planning for a future was not my thing anymore, until you showed me that it wasn't so bad to try again after all. Our worlds are too different from each other and I tried to fit in yours so bad but I just couldn't. Even so, it was still fun.

Everything should have ended a long time ago. I'm not supposed to reach this far, but I don't regret that I did. You lit up a little light and kept me here a little longer... Thank you, and sorry (for the trouble). You gave me a reason to shut the door that I kept going back in and out, to leave the horror of my past and all my demons behind... but I guess there are things that we can never really escape from.

And I'm done running away. And you taught me that giving up is okay, too. Nothing bad about it especially when you've been fighting for so long, and it's my call. I can't go on pretending that I'm strong enough or brave enough for everything anymore. I'm tired trying to save myself from the fall. Be happy for me because it means stopping all the pain I've been dealing with for so long.

God... I don't even believe in him but can I just say that, God, I'm really fucking tired.

You know, I’ve always been afraid that the time would come when you will realize how worse are those "worst things" I told you in the beginning. And it may not seemed like it months ago but I’m really glad now that you did. I feel so selfish for trying to force things out, for forcing both you and me to still have "us." You know, I just think that maybe, all this time, I was actually sabotaging everything just so I could finally give up and say that I no longer have a reason not to. Maybe there's a reason why I always ruin the good things that comes to me. Like you. Maybe I was wrong when I said that I'm meant to be with you because maybe the truth is I'm not really meant to be with anyone, with anything, or anywhere. Maybe I wasn't really afraid to lose you and just acted like it. Maybe I actually wanted this secretly because I want to be free from everything too, from myself especially. I can't really love myself. It's so exhausting.

I am like a poison, intoxicating everything I touch. Then finding diversions to cover that fact. And no matter how hard any of you try to deny and find nicer descriptions for that, you can't. Because that's what I really am, from the very start. I am a ticking timebomb, and freeing yourself from it was the rightest thing you've done. I'm glad that you were able to save yourself, something I was never capable of doing. You’re so precious, you know. Too damn precious. And you're not meant to be in hell in any possible way. 

But you also know what? When I said that you should've left me alone before, that I wish you just killed that tiny hope I had before-- I was lying. Because I'm more than thankful that I got to experience to be loved by you, to be cared for by you. I am more than thankful that I got to be part of your unfamiliar world-- your happy little world. And I've been wondering if I was able to make you happy the same way that you made me... I really wish I did. Despite my whole being, I really tried to give the best that I can give, and to offer everything that I can offer. So I really wish I fulfilled my girlfriend duty, even not so perfectly. Knowing that is enough for me.

I'm really sorry, my love.

For everything that has happened, I'm really sorry.

All I ask for you now is to forget me, everything about me. After you're done reading everything here, forget me. Forget that I even existed. Try your hardest, and if you can't, then I hope you remember us not with those petty arguments nor with the tears. Please not the sad, the mad, and the bad times. I hope that when you remember us, remember us on the good things, especially on the simplest times. Because those simplest moments hold the best and happiest memories, the ones I treasure the most. So if you can't forget, then remember us when we were happy, remember me happy.

Through the wind late at night when we go to vis. ave., with my voice shouting how much I love you while you just laugh there by my side telling me that the driver could hear everything I say...

there,

that's where I want you to remember.

-

[29th-taintedlotus]

when we first started our relationship, there were times when I was so unsure of how I really felt about you and the whole relationship thing. I even wrote an apology letter about that because I was afraid that I wasn't really in love and that I was just gonna hurt you in the end. I thought, too, that I won't be able to completely give the love that you deserve back then because of that uncertainty.

You weren't the only one who had doubts. I had a lot.

Our only difference is that you gave in and believed those doubts when you had them while I,

I always chose to continue and prove myself wrong. And doing so was the rightest decision I have ever made because I got to prove every time that those were just doubts. Because of that, we got to experience better times and much more cherishable memories.

I fought and chose to believe in us because despite what my mind was telling me, my heart feels otherwise when I am with you.

I know you feel it, too. But now you just don't want to admit it anymore because you are just so determined to stand on everything you said. But I know, I just know that you feel it, too.

On the last moments we had, I felt it. No matter how hard you tried to conceal it, I felt it. My heart felt it.

We were meant to be.

Or at least I was meant to be with you.

You're my zing and wherever you go, and wherever I go, that's never gonna change. These feelings will never die even if one or both of us did.

What we had was something. We were something. And I don't want it to be just memories. I don't want us to be just memories.

I'm no one else's but yours. You said that so yourself. I'm always yours.

And I don't want to be in any other path than that of we created. I don't want to be anyone else's but yours.

--

10/03/20

[29th-taintedlotus]

my lund

I don’t know what hurts the most.

The uncertainty of our future together,

Or our love for each other that keeps on growing.

Because the deeper we fall,

and the wider we see through each other’s eyes,

The tighter we hold each other’s hand…

All measures the pain that may be awaiting for us.

Yet neither of us wants to step back.

We both refuse to refuse the present of our future.

Despite understanding the things we know we cannot,

We still chose to walk side by side.

We still look forward relentlessly.

One might see it foolish.

One might call it faith.

But I refuse to look at it as neither nor both.

The only thing I know is that,

as long as the fire we lit for each other remains ablaze,

as long as the knot that binds our yearning souls transcends

We will not perish, you and me… us.

--

[view note]

[29th-taintedlotus]

[29th-taintedlotus]

I said a lot of things.

But I know I was lying to myself, to you, and to my best friend.

When I said that I can be strong, that I can wait no matter how long, when I said that I can stay even without knowing if there's still something to hope for, when I said that I can do it without you, that I wouldn't let my world revolve around you...

You know before you, I never depend on anyone. I was so used to being alone, too. Too used to it that I barely let anyone in. Even the closest friend I had before stayed outside the walls I built around me. Damn! I even had a hard time letting you in before because I wanted so much to handle things on my own.

But just this time, when I told myself that I can do it, that I can be alone again, when I said that I'm way stronger than before and that I'm not the same empty person without you anymore... I just know.

I know I was lying all along.

---

09/30/20

[29th-taintedlotus]

I wished on every star, the moon, and even the god damned wind. They witnessed how my eyes dreamt, how high my hopes went. They heard every beat of this stupid stupid stubborn heart. They heard how my voice cracked when I whispered your name and they've seen that silly little smile after. They witnessed them all.

But why?

Why take the only fortune of my unfortunate life? Why take the only thing that kept me dreaming? Why take him? Why take my love? Why take my life?

Did they know all this time? Did he tell them all his plans? And his plan of leaving me?

Were they making fun of me the whole time I was telling them mine? I just don't get it.

They fucking knew.

Am I mad?

To whom?

Because I just know that not at him.

It wasn't his fault, but...

they fucking knew!

I'm so mad.

Maybe at myself.

I should've fucking known..

they were making fun of me!

--

09/30/20