2slowgoers

[2slowgoers]

Ghosts of Christmases Past

Hi L,

I find that since it’s the end of the decade it’d be a good idea to write a tribute to all my fleeting memories of our friendship. Initially a challenge from you because you think I forget everything, I’ve used it as an exercise to remind me of why we’ve been able to become and stay so close in the relatively short 5, 6 years we’ve known each other. I realised that oftentimes it’s not the memory of our interaction but more so a feeling that stayed with me. Thus, the list you’ll see below is vague because I don’t really recalls details, but they’re there because they left a mark (I did use a few hints from my phone album). I’ll be writing this in chronological order from our first meeting to the last time we met in November

I’d love to hear if any of the things I write down are not in your memory or are remembered differently :) Memories are such a curious thing. 

-I think we were in front of LDC? But it was ISO and we were all getting to know each other and you complimented my fashion ;p I really appreciated it. I think at that time I had a pretty good impression of you and thought we might get along (I think I have a pretty accurate first impression of people for myself).

-I also remember me, TT, and ST visiting you in your dorm at Goodhue during spring term maybe? You said that T’s bf at the time had come to visit but I don’t remember that. I just remember you weren’t too happy then but I don’t remember why :\ maybe you were stressed from work?

-winter term after you came back from studying and trekking abroad, I remember feeling nervous messaging you about your trip. Somehow it felt like we didn’t get to talk too much about it during that first conversation, or at least it wasn’t fully positive. I think you’d opened up about the struggles of traveling alone as a woman and getting harassed then?

-feeling replaceable when you and T got close, wondering if y’all would have dated if you’d met earlier. Anyway we talked (I don’t even know how I managed to approach you about this lol), and you talked about being friends with couples in your past

-summer after second year, going to Monterey with your family and eating at the Italian bistro bc your dad loves Italian food

-you visiting me in Seattle that summer and getting high with R. We had lunch with some college mates and were planning to go out but instead y’all just napped all afternoon. That was annoying but funny still

-visiting you in Berlin that fall -- going to all those weird bars, and in the last bar this guy came to sit with us and you talked to him, telling him we were all in relationships and he fibbed that he also was in a relationship. Later you told me his breath stank lol (let’s not mention all the other wildness that night -- still traumatised by the racist heckling and the people openly having sex at KitKat)

-meeting up in Venice (it’s still one of my fondest places that we went to together), trying to find cheap aperitifs and drinking them in front of a church, and lamenting over how romantic everything was and how many couples there were everywhere

-you, TT and ST coming to visit me in Budapest and us going to ruin bars. We left early and I remember being woken up at like 4am to open the door for TT. Also walking around Margitsziget (the island), and going to the open-air thermal bath. Do you remember zipping around in a whirlpool with throngs of people in it? 

-me doing your hair in T’s room the following winter, with you sitting on a pile of newspapers on the ground. I think we were trying to dye your hair brown

-us cooking at your house with your hs friend H and then the garbage can set on fire (?!); I think you were trying to make carbonara that time but the eggs weren’t going great or something; it was also the first time I’d seen anyone microwave tomatoes

-you and V trying to eat her frozen coconut water from a box and using a knife to hack at it. I was so scared for your fingers

-us going to the career center training with a quarter of a watermelon and eating it with spoons. I loved eating watermelons like that and feel like I haven’t really eaten that way since :(

-our birthday picnic and going to Valley Scare -- do you remember being scared? I feel like most of the folks were freaked out by the clowns and I was trying to not exhibit any fear so the attention would get directed to everyone else

-that one group confession/conversation we had in our room where people brought up their insecurities and feeling left out; I later confided in you about my hesitance with everyone trying to uplift each other through their looks

-going tubing toward the end of the year with J and trying to blow up those damn tubes! You had to blow mine up eventually because I was running out of breath

-the next time going tubing with everyone and it being a mess! Definitely thought we were going to die a few times (there was one particular moment where some of us were trying to latch onto a tree but there were bugs on it, and behind us TT and someone else -- was it you? -- got stuck on a shallow pebbly area)

-during graduation, I pulled you and T together to introduce to my parents, purposely to pad their meeting with T. I was hoping also that your dad would get along w my dad but they barely talked :[ 

-visiting you and H with T in August! I remember paddle boarding with y’all (lots of fun), watching you all play games, and going to eat pizza and trying kombucha for the first time. That was a much needed break from my family then

-you and J coming to visit for my bday! We went to Ktown and sang karaoke and ate bbq (J said that while we were waiting in line some girl passed by and gave me a judging side-eye); watching the Parent Trap with you; us all sitting in the pool area and chatting (K and JN came with a cake! it was so good) about the future and all its unknown

-the two wonderful weeks in Taiwan :) the pace was good and I really appreciated having you show me your city (and also exploring new places with you). I remember waking up early and staring out your window as you snoozed next to me; your smelly dog and me not knowing how to pet him; going to the most beautiful little thermal spa (and taking advantage of our time there alone); going to night markets with you and of course getting my ears pierced :)); playing with super fluffy cats at the cat cafe; scoping cute stores and cafes at the artsy warehouse area; eating that nasty eel in Tainan; biking around in Tainan and then you getting bird poop on your scarf (!); the cute capsule hostel in Kenting; driving scooters around Kenting and being terrified of the wind. I’d love to do something like that again, with a nice pace to explore a place that’s less familiar to us both and maybe through a decolonized lens :)

-seeing you and J in the Bay Area after you moved there. We were taking all kinds of photos with different flowers in your neighborhood; going to First Friday in Oakland; eating at a cafe in Berkeley and spotting Nick Robinson even though you and J were sure I was mistaking him; us eating cioppino in that one seafood restaurant outside (I don’t think it was very impressive)

-you came back again in like October and we went to see A in the burbs. It was practically blizzarding and we tried to go to that one mall but ended up at a Mexican resto. I think we ended up going back to her place to play Life? 

-spending Christmas, another precious chill time :) painting ornaments; decorating the tree; you and that puzzle (which still lies on our floor); cooking everyday; watching Strong Girl; going to that comedy show with my cousin and walking back in the cold; going to see the Christmas lights and paying money to see a rather unimpressive “4d experience”; buying a butcher’s knife and you hacking away at some chicken bones happily because I was too scared to do it

-hiking in March was also fun! You chose a beautiful and lovely b&b. I remember exchanging music with you (lots of Spanish electropop); eating that overpriced hotpot; and taking a bunch of photos while waiting for pizza

-seeing you again in June (feeling claustrophobic; going to that strange queer fashion show), 

-August (going to see Yuna <3; that bike trip where you and T were going so fast; eating food at that little pagoda with our hodgepodge of food which was actually pretty good; having Thai temple brunch), 

-September (2x! Spending time with my sister and all the stress incurred on us both that came with it before and after; I really appreciated you being there for me; getting good vegan food and trying but failing to find a plan for M; and trying to find hotpot mix all over the store but it was right under our noses?? -- the 2nd trip you came to Chicago and we watched Hamilton!!) 

-and then November (going to see Mean Girls in NYC and you were waiting in line with that white saviour-seeming lady and the guy in the t-shirt; trying to meet each other’s friends; eating at Modern Love --still the most inspiring place I’ve eaten in 2019 aside from the Mexican Michelin place T and I went to for our anniv; walking around the park and you giving me a leaf for a bookmark which I actually kept for like a month)! 

So many times this year lol, often unexpected and last minute. I’m sure there are plenty other memories rolling around in the back of my mind but these are the ones I wanted to highlight. Although I don’t know when we’ll reunite next, I have no doubt we’ll continue to support and uphold each other no matter the distance and time. You’ve been such a funny, supportive, insightful, and passionate part of many of my best memories in these past few years. I don’t say it enough but I hope you recognise the influence you’ve had on my life and those of others. Thank you, and I love you <3

Onwards to 2020!

W (December 30, 2019)

[2slowgoers]

Holla L,

Gonna try and write a somewhat short post tonight. I’m currently at my friends apt in New Jersey after pub night and fried chicken at Korea town. It was nice but the NY office is so white — I feel like all the poc I met in the office today, I knew already. The vibe in this office is interesting and people definitely want to stay around each other more but I dunno if it’s what I’d want in a company.

Re your comments about Halloween: thanks for thinking I’d put a lot of effort in the costumes (I probably would), and something about the office or the city makes celebrating Halloween somewhat more exciting. Maybe you see it in more strands of life everywhere? And thanks for the thought about the inner voice; that’s something I’m still working on and would love to gain more confidence in. I feel like I’m still so indecisive often.

I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable at work btw. Having people around whose presence you can enjoy is so pivotal to the quality of your daily life and I’m glad you found some folks! I’ve played that image game too— we called it Impressions and there’s an app for it lol. Glad you had that conversation with your coworker that helped you bond and resolve some ambiguities. I think it’s good you were aware that other people won’t always see you the way you see yourself — or initially, at least — and that’s okay! As long as you know who you are.

The thing I wanted to bring up was from Thursday when I talked to my therapist. I was telling her about my sister telling me about her new cat. She mentioned that much of the bad news I receive about my sister is from herself, and why does she do that? Does she not know the moral and social reprehensions of her own actions? What is my her purpose in telling me bad things about herself? What does she want from me? And this eerily reminded me of my own inexplicable tendency to over share with my mom despite knowing she’ll respond negatively. So that’s something I want to notice and think more about — what could be some motivators of this masochistic pattern?

See you in a few to!

W (November 2, 2019)

[2slowgoers]

10.31.2019 - a not so spooky update

Hey W,

Long time no talk ;) (lol, JK of course!). I’m glad I get to see you soon. Never been in NYC with you before, I’m glad we get to spend a bit of it together, and explore together again. We don’t get a lot of chances to do that these days. On the topic of Halloween... you dressed up a ton this week! They were creative and solid costumes. IF you became a mom, I think you would have excellent + creative halloween costumes for the family. I never felt the presence fo Halloween as much as I did this year, maybe because I work for a bigger company, and I have established my social media spaces and am familiar with the people I follow, I quite admire the arts and craft that can go into costumes. Okay, that aside -

We did text a bit after your last post, and I feel like we touched on the important parts I wanted to ask about. TBH I just hope this to be a space we can vent and let it all out, no pressure to follow up or give each other advice. But rather a space just to listen to each other, I appreciate that. All I can say from reading a bit about your doubts around yourself and your long term relationship, I am just here by your side, waiting to see how things will or will not change in the next couple of years. This is that time of age where things will grow and change a lot! I called briefly with my friend J (in FL) and they are going through a bit of quarter life crisis, and a lot of the call was me reassuring them that it’s okay and that it’s okay to choose what it is that your heart wants. Like you said about your mom, we have all spent too much of our life following what others expect us to do, or shaping other people’s wants into our own. Since we’re still growing up and maturing, what we even “wanted” in high school and college, may not be what grown up and mature versions of ourselves want. I think this IS the time of our life we start learning to listen to ourselves, our inner voice that is maturing and growing up, and truly understanding what it is that we want. So I say, trust your gut. You know what you need, and you’ll know it when the time comes.

One quick thing before I dive into the topic of today - I have to say work is going better now that I have gone on vacation, and have had the time to get to know the new hires (people joined post-June). Most of them are around my age and we all get along really well. KBBQ last night was quite fun, and for once I found myself being able to be myself, and exhibit my sense of humor (something that not a lot of people get), and the people around me laughed and appreciated me for being who I am. That felt really nice. It’s a feeling I have dearly missed from not being around people who know me well. I liked being able to goof around (because that’s really who I am! It just takes a long time to show that side), and seeing other people goof off. I can say that even if I don’t want to be in tech and the industry can be draining, being around good people is so important, and especially with a lot of them in the same age range and many who are recent transplants, has created a team that is larger than just Berkeley grads lol. 

Topic I wanted to discuss today... When I was texting you earlier about my rooming situation and saying my ultimate fear is to be kicked out. Then I realized I have all these, you could say irrational fears, that I will 1) get fired 2) get kicked out 3) lose my job 4) lose all my savings/money 5) my friends hate me and will abandon me and just in general imagine the worst that could happen. I catch myself more often when I think these things and increasingly acknowledge it’s an irrational fear. I guess I wonder where all of this comes from - the fact that I get very “omg end of the world” and catastrophize easily. It’s definitely improved over the years, but I think it’s also from growing up with my mom. I see these traits in myself and in my brother too. We always imagine the worst, get anxious about it, then let the world know our anxious thoughts, and it spirals. I need to remind myself that no I am not going to be kicked out and no I am not going to be fired, my coworkers and team like me a lot and I do my job. I’m better at it now, so that’s cool.

This train of thought led me to something else though... you mentioned that I can take this opportunity to grow THICK SKIN. and you’re SO right. I have caught myself taking things too personally and being too sensitive to a lot of things, that are out of my control and have nothing to do with me. Like if a friend doesn’t reply fast, or they reply with a period at the end of the sentence, to what coworkers do or don’t do - I let it get to me, and when people joke, I respond seriously. Because I’m just so used to taking things seriously on the surface, even though deep down i love to joke, goof off, and not take things seriously.

For example, last night we were playing this game called “image game” where someone says image game and “who’s most likely to...” and then they count down and everyone in the group must point to the person they think are most likely to... and i don’t know exactly when but someone has to drink. Well, G (girl I sit next to work who I like a lot!) said “who’s most likely to quit their job and travel the world” - the people who know my plans pointed at me, but otherwise, the rest of the table was pointing at everyone else. Including G, who is someone i feel closer to now, pointed to someone else. G pointed to this other girl, and said “you because you moved to the bay area for absolutely no reason but just to come here”. deep down, i was like “but that’s me too! that’s me!” And for some reason, I took this whole thing so personally, and I was mildly bothered and thinking about it for the rest of the night. Why did not everyone point at me? How can this dream of mine that I’ve been thinking about since I was 20 years old, not be obvious? How can the world not know?! I do everything I do to follow this dream WHY DONT PEOPLE KNOW! <-- the question and capitalization is for dramatic effect, I wasn’t actually freaking out. But obviously I was thinking, like duh people won’t know what my dreams are because i NEVER talk about it. And duh, people probably think i’m super responsible and love my job because of the way i act at work and expect i am there to stay. SO, these thoughts just continued to stick around til this morning.

I decided to ask G to go to a room and talk personally because I wanted to follow up on this question. I provided context and asked her my main curiousity is “how do you perceive me?” “this is my lifelong dream and i am just curious how i come off as, that it wasn’t assumed to me” - she’s very nice and open and told me how she thought i was responsible, loved this job, and was here to stay. she just saw me as this super responsible type and not the kind to just leave like that. I also framed it in a way to be like “Ah yeah I want to blend in, I don’t want people to think I am on my way out” and she agrees that i am doing that fine, and she never expected that. Anyways... the GOOD part of this conversation was.. I told her “I’m literally here just to make money, pay off loans and save”. Then I asked “do you have any dreams you’d like to achieve?” And she was like “well I never told anyone at work this...” and then I quickly learned that she is here for the same reason I am, with a different goal in mind. she wants to go to nursing school - and she is here to save $ to pay off loans and save up to go. Even her bf, who is a dev, is also working a job and negotiated to anticipate to pay for her schooling. Then we were able to bond about how we both don’t want to be in tech in the long term, and how we don’t want to be in this job for the long term either, and we both kinda have to hold it in and cannot talk about what it is that we truly want to do. we could relate about our interview experiences and not being able to answer honestly the question to “where do you see yourself in 5 years”. And wow, that was a really nice conversation to have. To know that i am not alone in wanting to do something so badly, and to have to do something else in the interim, and we are desk neighbors! It’s funny actually, she’s by far been the best performing new hire IMO and i see a lot of similarities in myself and her. we do our jobs super well, and yet this is not where we want to be.

So that again, brings me to appreciate people who do work in the corporate world, at whatever point they need to for however long they need to. people are so much deeper than their work self. I especially appreciate the non-workaholics/people who don’t work all the time, because I see the life and dreams they get to live outside of work, and that’s just like a wholesome realization lol.

Alrighty, that’s me for today - see you soon!

[2slowgoers]

The extent of influence by childhood indoctrinations

Hey L,

I’m glad you were able to use kdramas as a form of catharsis through the days. I can only imagine how draining work is, and for it to drag on for another half year can really put a damper on your life and perspective. I know we don’t talk about it everyday but I want to remind you that every day you get through is another day closer to your goals! But also make sure you don’t glorify your dreams too much; I don’t want you to get disappointed if it turns out to be different from how you imagined. 

I wanted to write this post after a few conversations today, one with a friend/coworker at work and the other with my therapist, tied around relationships and my own inability to commit. My friend and I were comparing our experiences of long periods of stability (her being single for over seven years, me being in a relationship for five), and how ultimately our insecurities around these states of being are tied to the same core issues. She’s grown comfortable being on her own, and has also previous relationship traumas that make it difficult to be motivated to leave and try out dating. Similarly, I’m also so used to being with and depending on T, that part of me feels like it’s held me back from considering solitude more seriously. We’re both scared of what’s beyond that zone of familiarity, and although there may be societal pressure out there to behave a certain way for our ages and lifestyles, we’re also questioning why we need to follow certain standards in life. It was sort of a revelation and an eye-opener to what I could expect if I were to be single. But also, I admire her for being so comfortable with herself, and still wish to have that someday.

We discussed this at therapy too, today. Since it was the original reason I even started seeing her, my therapist wanted us to revisit those thoughts and see how I felt about them. I feel like when I talk about my relationship with her I always make it sound like I’m just getting dragged along for the ride -- tbh I feel like I talk about it kind of deprecatingly to anyone. I don’t mean to, but it certainly reflects the insecurities I have that I don’t usually think about when I’m with T in the moment. After much discussion, we came to the conclusion that the core reason I’ve kept T at arm’s distance (and not allowing him to fill the forever spot in my mind) is because of the need for approval from my family, especially my mom. Like, the therapist was asking me what consistent quality that T had that made me question our relationship, and I couldn’t think of anything! I mean I knew it was me but damn :[ I told her that I felt like I was uncertain even before I told my mom though, and she said it’s possible that I’d subconsciously anticipated her judgment. I think I always knew it deep down, but it’s still so shocking and I really don’t know how to unlearn that part of me that’s so hard to grasp. I think this summer, when I had that crush, I experienced the first major motivation that wasn’t my mom to leave T! That’s fudged up and really makes me wonder how our relationship would have panned out if I didn’t have this ongoing mind parasite. 

But when I think about it, so many of my most major decisions were influenced by my mom’s advice, like what to major in and where to go to school. I once had a thought that maybe I shouldn’t explore my sexuality and just follow my parents’ expectations of living a heteronormative life, solely because I felt it was my duty as the older child to please my parents so they would have at least one child who didn’t completely disappoint them. I envy my sister in that way, for being so capable of sticking to her own decisions without caring about how society views her. But it really frickin sucks to be someone who’s always been such a people pleaser, because I really can’t deal with disappointing the people I care about. I mean I’ve found ways to combat it, but I feel like so much of this is ingrained that I still police myself when none of my family is around to chastise me. How the hell do I escape the grasp of family expectations? Do I actually have free will? I don’t know!! 😱

It’s been a long evening of circular thoughts, most of which isn’t new but so much is still such a mindfuq. I don’t know where to go with these thoughts, even if I do know now...My therapist said she just wants me to know what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it. But why am I doing it? I wish I could tell you ><”

Drained, W (October 24, 2019)

[2slowgoers]

10.20.19 - brutally honest

Hi W!

I’m not entirely inspired right now, but I’ve been thinking throughout the day, since I was inspired, and want to be able to write some stuff and articulate things. I’ll respond your previous post after I’ve written out my new content.

First thing, I spent these 4 days of bed rest binge watching a Kdrama, a rom com that I absolutely adore to bits! I just finished and my heart is AH <3. It’s called Fight My Way and reminds me of bits of pieces of Strong Woman DBS and Weightlifting Fairy. It’s got a strong female lead (the 2nd lead is also strong in a subtle way), and it’s about two best friends (since childhood) who eventually fall in love. It’s so sweet! And it’s completely my style haha, I’ve seen too many Kdramas at this point, I recognize most of the actors lmao. ANYWAYS, this drama brought me through an emotional rollercoaster over these couple of days, because the really main point of the show is about 4 twenty-somethings navigating their life, dreams, and relationships. Most of them were stuck in some menial, daily life grind job, and were not getting to do what they really loved at the beginning of the show. I felt super reassured cuz Kdramas tend to have 28/29 year olds still struggling to figure out their life, so it just helps me feel comforted. Seeing some of them in their day jobs, and hating it, but doing it because they have to earn money, was SO friggin relatable. One of them did customer service for a bit and was yelled at over the phone, and boy I almost cried from relatable that moment was. Watching them face their fear to follow their dreams, and fail along the way, but still persist, was honestly so moving to watch. It’s a more realistic show, and they did face a lot of failures. The main female lead had to go up against many applicants who had prestigious backgrounds like studying abroad or come from rich families, and she was continuously rejected, but she persisted and found something else that she loved to do. I will now tie in how this Kdrama feels so relevant to my life right now...

I named todays post “brutally honest” because I want to take this chance to be properly honest with you, once and for all, about how I feel my life. I added “brutally” because, honestly after spending 4 days alone in my room on my bed, it gives me a chance to clear away distractions and thoughts about daily life, to really self reflect. I could spend these days thinking about things I normally think about, but I’d usually run into life distractions that’d make me stop. It’s also brutal, because my thoughts can get pretty dark. But I’m trying not to see them as dark, but rather just being brutally honest about my life. You get a slice of what my journal entries look like :P

I am SO uninspired by my life in the Bay Area. If I think too much about it, I think I might be pretty miserable? The only reason I don’t think I’m super miserable on the daily basis is because I have distractions and I try not to think too much about it. But the truth is, I think my life is miserable, and to look at my own life, I hate myself. I’m actually growing so much hate for my current life, that I feel motivated to grow and cultivate a future that will never let me have to relive this life again. Combined with these health complications and my tendency to live life thinking “life’s so short, u never know when ur gna die”, I just don’t think the life I am living right now is worth living, if my life is truly going to be short. Some of the characters in Fight My Way go through this experience, and confront the misery they had (except they were living it for 5+ years - throughout their early and mid twenties). I don’t know how much you know, or how much what I say has impacted you, because I try to keep it low key, but I really really really really hate my life here. I just REALLY REALLY hate it. I hate what i’m doing for my job. I hate what the Bay Area is full of. I hate being surrounded by the energy here. I do NOT want to be here. And tbh I think I would be like this in any big American city. I would be like this at any corporate job. It’s not where I am working specifically, it’s not the Bay Area specifically, but I am just so so so UNinspired. I know for a fact I am capable of being inspired and feeling motivated, and yet I feel like I am wasting my days away. I am literally just here to earn the minimal money I can so I can get out of here as soon as possible. I think I am capable of getting through each day because I can lie to myself for the short term. That I’m learning... or I have great coworkers... I’m so lucky to live here for the rent I pay... I live a comfortable and privileged life - okay those are not lies, but tbh don’t think I’m learning much at all. In order to get through the next 7 months, I think I have to numb myself. And the only reason I’ve been able to get this far (1.5+ years), is because I lied to myself about all the things I want to accomplish and I am able to do here. Ok, saying that I lied to myself might be a bit brutal, but I did have to convince myself why I should have come here, get the jobs I did, and be here. Some days I can appreciate the things i’ve gone through and learned, and I think I had to have been here to go onto what ever is next for me. But just so I can make it very clear... I hope to Never. Ever. Ever. EVER. Return to the life I am living now. I can only go up from here, based on my own standards. I will return if I absolutely, financially, need to again, but god I really hate the tech world. I hate that I have to spend my everyday life pretending to like it and be enthusiastic about it (it’s hard especially when I’m interviewing candidates and I have to say how excited and how much i love everything sigh). I am SO SO SO SO SICK of myself for what I put myself through the past (soon to be) 3 years. I so sincerely hope that once I hit June 2020, that will be the end of this phase for me. What’s next? Who knows god what. (Well, I have some ideas, but I will reveal them when I am a bit more ready). 

Ok. That was my brutally honest vent about how I really actually feel about my life. I effing hate it. But I can only pretend not to hate it for a few more months. It’s really hard, to not feel like I can ever be my true self, that I don’t even know what my true self is, I just know that my everyday right now is not it. On a related note, I also don’t feel the most comfortable living where I am right now, because it feels like it’s owned and dominated by someone else, you know? Another future goal is to finally live somewhere I can truly feel at home and I can be myself in too. The closest I have to feeling that way about a home was living with H, but otherwise, everywhere I lived was always owned or shared with someone else... I cannot wait for the day I get to have my own space, my own kitchen! and I get to dictate wat the heck I want to do with it.

All of this is linked to the Kdrama, Fight My Way, because the characters went through something similar to what I am going through now, and I found it inspiring how they got through things and how happy they are. Also, just btw, the main characters are considered “not normal” in the society they live in, and there were a lot of lines emphasizing “Live the life you want to live. Don’t look at how others are living. Live the mainstream life that is for YOU”. So yeah :’) 

My Responses to your last post: - thank you for sharing me the thoughts and feelings about your age and how that plays into the relationships you have. I wouldn’t say I have personally experienced that. I am hyper conscious of age, but actually of when people are younger than me, rather than the other way around. It’s because I think about what I was like when I was at that age, and think of how different I was (even like now vs when I was 19). I didn’t know you did an art camp with 17 year olds when you were 12! That is quite the gap. I can see why you would want to hide your age. I know that when I was traveling, most people were older than me and they were usually surprised at my age when I told them, but I would get compliments for being mature for my age. I’d imagine the same would happen for you. It’s interesting how your mom wanted you to hang out with older folks to “improve” yourself, because you’re right, older folks can also be very immature... I mean, is your aunt (w/ the wechat name) someone you want to have mature conversations with? lol - I agree with your therapist that “responsibility” can be redefined. I lean more to the letting her stumble and make mistakes kind of responsibility, because she needs to grow up and see the world for what it really is to learn her lessons.

Aight, my turn to try to sleep. I hope to make it physically to work tomorrow! Because tbh I feel bad for missing so much of work this month. But I also could care less at this point... because of what I wrote about in this post lol.

- L

[2slowgoers]

Navigating privilege

Hey girl,

A few things on my mind tonight -- privilege, family, and some subconscious tendencies. I want to respond to you first before bringing up some random other thoughts, but I’ll touch on these themes throughout.

First off, I know you’re in a lot of pain and will continue to be for some time. I hope you don’t extend yourself too much with all the work and activities coming up. Let yourself rest and recover as needed, and if you can’t work or do something you totally can say NO. Still I want to acknowledge the momentousness of your surgical process, as it both literally and metaphorically lifted a weight off you. When I’m getting stomach pains, I sometimes imagine reaching into my stomach and pulling out some stone that’ll be the cause of all the discomfort, and it feels like you were able to do that! I hope that this milestone leads to an overall improved health and lifestyle for you. :)

Now, re your points:

1) Both T’s and my job have brought about so much privilege into my life that sometimes my brain can’t keep up. It was something I struggled a lot with in college, as I transitioned from a low-income first year student to a senior with a dream job in my hand and financially stable parents to pad me as I waited. I think it’s easy to still feel ties to the past, and although I acknowledge my privilege there are still some tendencies from before that I can’t shake off, such as being frugal about material goods. Modern day luxuries have transitioned from material things to experiences, and I certainly see myself splurging more on those experiences. Even today, when my mom called and requested that I drop everything and fly to see my sister some time in the next two weeks, I didn’t even think about cost as a concern. Still, I’m generally very aware of these displays of wealth and privilege, and tend to feel guilty a lot for indulging. I generally don’t even tell my high school/college friends about these things anymore (besides you), because I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to show off or I’ve changed as a person. Usually when T suggests going on a far away trip during the weekend or something of that nature, I hesitate because part of my brain can’t fathom the practicality of it. When I suggested the candy trip for my birthday, I thought it would be a fun special occasion that I do one-off, but as the time neared I started to get anxious about whether it was a reasonable decision at all. And it’s not -- but I think it’s also not great to be ashamed of it. As long as I have this job and T has his job (and we’re together), this will be a thing so I want to make peace with it. I’m starting to feel like a rich student from our college, you know the ones who hid their wealth? I don’t want that -- I want to acknowledge it, and think about ways I can use my privilege to help others. I’m not sure how I will do that, as I’m clearly not the front-line activisty type.

2/3) I agree that the limitation of travel can really enhance the experiences we do have when we explore the world. I’m also acutely aware of that out-of-body feeling you got when you went to Berlin -- I think that’s partly why I’m afraid to go to Budapest just yet. I’m afraid it will have changed so I don’t recognize it anymore, and that I won’t have enough time to cherish it when I do go. I also hope that I can go to Berlin again and make more positive memories, as my last visit there to see you was marred by some unpleasant racist and sexist encounters. Of course, I wish that your next time in Berlin will be pleasant, and that it won’t be affected by the memories of lost friendship. 

In other news, I had a conversation with a coworker today who was talking about feeling disconnected with people from her hiring batch because she’s like 10 years older than most of them and just has such different thoughts and experiences from them. For some reason during that conversation I was subconsciously trying not to reveal my age, and I realised that I didn’t want our age gap to affect our friendship. I think I feel this way with a lot of my older friends (and I mean older by at least a few years) -- I don’t want my age to be viewed as a barrier. To be honest, it’s kind of silly, but it’s also so real that even a few years can make it hard to connect with someone. Growing up though I was so used to playing with older kids, and even going to art camp I was hanging out with people who were much older than me (e.g. when I was 12 I trained with the 17 years even though there was a class for middle schoolers too in the academy). I think I’ve also been indoctrinated by my mom to hang out with older, more mature ppl to “improve” myself. It’s interesting, because with older people I feel that sort of respect and sometimes even act more immature, yet I like being around them because I like having more mature conversations? It’s kind of paradoxical. I don’t really know if there’s anything good or bad about it, but I do think it’s made me more critical of how I present myself (and how other people themselves) in front of others. Was this something that ever was a concern for you?

Btw, my therapist today was talking about re-considering what “responsible” means after I talked about feeling responsible for my sister. Does it necessarily mean going to see her to make her take her vaccines, or does it mean letting her stumble and make mistakes on her own, or does it mean not enabling her crappy behaviour through reward? It could be a series of things ofc, and we’ll prob talk about it again sometime. Meanwhile she said I should try to not think about this dilemma and try to be more present in whatever task I have at hand, whether it’s chilling or working or watching a movie. So, I’ll try my best to not think much more about this as I lull myself to sleep. 

Hope you feel better tomorrow!

Love, W (October 17, 2019)

[2slowgoers]

10-16-19 bed rest

 Hey W,

I thought I’d chime in just a bit today, since I am in self-imposed bed rest. I wanted to follow up a bit on your previous post. Also, I updated our profile photo and website theme, you can only see it in desktop form, haha. It’s not the type of theme I would usually go for, but I like the simplicity and tech vintage-ness of it. It reminds me of our friendship, communicating so well over text messaging and remotely. So, I picked that theme, because this Tumblr is like us writing emails to each other. And in a world without computers, we would be swell pen pals.

1) Thank you for acknowledging the privilege and nonsensicalness of that trip. Haha. I mean, that was my reaction. I know T is one to do trips like that, but I appreciated that you added your own flare of “ok I’ll do one quick short trip, but we’re gonna get gummies!” The primary thought I had was wow, how easy it was for you two to go to Brussels, which is near where H lives. My initial thought was, wow I wish I could go so easily to help with the long distance woes. I was joking with H how I need to date T and have two partners so then I can use this benefit to go visit H. OR i would date you and you would work for united, then I can go visit H. All just a joke. Another thing I noticed was how when you first got gummies, you were telling me like “omg I spent 25 euros on gummies” as if it was a lot, but after you got back, you wished you bought more. 

2) Your writing on Time and Space was very spot on for me. Travel is also something that is very special for me. I learn to really appreciate being somewhere, when I don’t have the ease of mobility/movement. It’s like... so many people we know are kind of in their one location for a long long time, with small spurts of travel here and there. But most people I know, don’t leave their day to day home very often. I think I already travel more than many people I know or work with. I look back to the trips I have done, and I have appreciated the experiences most when I feel “stuck” in a place. Like in India and Nepal when I had my tickets confirmed, and there was no way I could afford any tickets to leave the country in those 6 months, so as if I was “stuck”, I was able to really focus on being there and digging deep into it. During my Berlin study abroad, there was a guy who went back to the US for thanksgiving to surprise his family, and that was something that actually surprised me. I feel like I was immersed in the study abroad, and to suddenly go back to MN to see H would have been disruptive to my experience. I agree with you, travel feels like a dream, and the short trips especially feel like a dream for me. But once I get to be somewhere for a prolonged period without leaving, that’s when it stops feeling like a dream, even after I leave! It feels like a real experience I had. In some ways, I appreciate the limitation of plane tickets being expensive. Because it forces us to stay in a place and makes the act of traveling a special one. I do appreciate that currently, and often wonder what life would be like if I did have the ability to go home or see H more frequently, coming in and out of my reality here in the Bay Area - it would be disorienting, I think. 

3) Imagine if you did a quick weekend trip to Budapest. That would feel weird, right? A place with so many memories and small everyday moments, and to go back in a rush, I guess I kinda felt that way when I went to Berlin for 1 day. It was very weird, because I was mainly going around a place I had never been, Neukoln. This is an area that is now where all the activists and artists are, and 4 years ago, it was more focused in Kreuzberg. Berlin is gentrifying a lot too, and I imagine in 2015, Neukoln was a place more filled with refugees and immigrants and not a place the middle class frequented. Now, that is where hip and artsy cafes are popping up. So, the only familiar thing I saw again was really the airport. Everything else was new. And yet, the roads, buildings, smells, trees, felt familiar. I would want to go back again and explore on my own terms and pace, but the abrupt ending of that friendship doesn’t sit well with me, making me think I won’t be back for a while.

Anyways, today is a significant day for me because as you know, I removed a part of me that has caused a lot of inconvenience in my everyday life. It’s been YEARS where I had to deal with something poking out everytime I had a bowel movement. I have had to learn the skill of carefully poking through the toilet paper to poke this lil thing back inside, without breaking the paper and dirtying my fingers. It has caused me so much distress and made me believe that I cannot camp or travel the way I want to (multiple days in rural areas with no shower). I remember when this first started and clumps of poo was sticking to it, and I had to go into the shower to wash off. I absolutely hated how messy it all was. And how I had to touch my own poo. But hey, it’s been a couple of years, and I have grown skilled in it. I learned to poke it back in and not be grossed out with my own body’s waste. I learned to be more conscious of my health so that situation doesn’t get worse. And then today, bam it got cut off! My funny imagination has thought of this little round ball of skin as a friend that I had a love/hate relationship with. Of course I hate it mostly, but I also had to learn to love it (it’s a part of me!) to take care of it and not cause more pain to myself. I know, it seems like something small, and though it was physically small, it did change me. It is what made me more conscious about physical things.. and health things.. and taking care of my body. I don’t know, it’s one of those things where I guess I felt like I had a relationship with this lil round ball, and today I said goodbye to what basically, felt like a harmless parasite! I had gone in originally for a banding procedure, which is what I thought this lil round ball was and would be banded and fall off in a couple of weeks. But the doctor told me the round thing is NOT a hemorrhoid and needs to be surgically cut off. Can you imagine, I was already lying down, half naked, and told I need to be numbed? I was scared! So scared. I was not prepared. I also super appreciated the doctor though - she knew my health insurance was changing at the end of the month (cuz employer is changing their default) so she wanted to fix it all for me today. So I appreciated it, and it was scary to get injected down there, but hey it all worked out - at least for now. But moments like this, albeit not the biggest deal, reminds me that life is short, and I could have more and worse health issues in the future, and that means i need to live a life I really want to live while I still can. I never know when I may have more issues in my body and I cannot leave the benefits of a stable job.

Those are thoughts from today ~ hope you enjoy the concert!

<3

L

[2slowgoers]

Time, space, and memories

Thanks for your insightful posts, L. Really enjoyed reading them and made me look inwards as well to see how I endure or perpetuate those expectations of socializing and body image.

sometimes in the short term i would appreciate what i learn or people i meet, but looking back a few months later now? i wish i didn’t do those things lol

It’s much less common to hear people discuss regrets about engaging in life, but I think it’s great that you’ve come to accept your boundaries and limits. Like I said to you, why fill your life with unenjoyable things when you’ve only got so much in reserve? 

I know you wanted to hear more about my weekend in Belgium/Germany, so I’ll focus on some of the thoughts that pervaded my mind for the most part of the trip. I’m going to overlook the biggest elephant in the room, which for me is the amount of privilege and nonsensicalness of it all, because I don’t have much more to say about it. Even though getting candy was the main reason for going, it ended up being a very minor part of the experience. I don’t regret it, but it certainly wasn’t revolutionary (besides the fact that I had trouble finding even my favourite candy! How is it that I just happen to like something so rare?). Instead I just want to note down the bizarreness of it all. 

Growing up, I always saw traveling across the world as something magical and sacred -- something not to overlook as trivial or easily done. Whenever we flew, it was followed by a new life and major milestones. I was so in awe of the fact that we could be in a totally different environment and culture in just the span of a day. I certainly still feel that, every time I step off the plane. But somehow I feel like I’ve betrayed my inner child by defying the laws of time and space. How is it that I can just now be in a far away land that speaks and thinks so differently, and then switch back to the daily grind as if it never happened? More than my mom’s argument of me damaging my body, I feel like I’m more so damaging my grasp of reality. Even our short vacations (as mandated by PTO and money) feed into this shock, and I come back wondering if any of it really happened. 

There were a few moments walking around in Brussels where I felt like I was being led by faint memories of sights and sounds. At one point, T and I were walking through a garden and I was observing the rainbow lights that flashed across the greenery when, nearing the stairs and fountain at the end of the garden, I suddenly had a vision of my time studying abroad and realised that I’d actually been in this very spot before, even though it was daytime then and I didn’t even spend much time there. Something about that staircase and the buildings must have been embedded in the back of my mind and I hadn’t thought of it up til now. I remembered then, that I was near the Magritte Museum, where I’d gone with some study abroad pals and which was the final stop of our free walking tour. This led me to then remember the fact that one of my travel buddies had gotten bed bugs the night before, and had to leave our hostel in the middle of the night and therefore had to miss the tour. This memory mind map was so surreal, and tbh this sort of thing happened a few times. I began to piece together the geographic setup of Brussels from all the various tidbits of memories I’d subconsciously clung to all these years. It’d be interesting to map out a place according to your memories, wouldn’t it? Definitely wouldn’t be accurate, but would for sure be a meaningful exercise. 

Also during the evening as we walked back and forth between our hotel and downtown, we kept passing by this exhibit called Ethno Tendance Fashion Week. From the huge windows it looked like an Afro-Futurist fashion show, with gorgeous well-dressed black people gathering everywhere. I was so impressed and intimidated, and wanted to go near but also felt way too out of place to go in. Luckily T wasn’t too keen on going in either. I think this reminds me of your comment about doing things that are fulfilling for you. I felt the social justice and progressive side of me nudging me to engage, but most of me just wanted to crawl away to safety. Part of me still wishes I’d gone in briefly, but I think ultimately it’s no real loss so I don’t have much of a regret.

I do wish I’d gotten more candy though, haha. I didn’t even spend 25euros! It was quite cheap. 

Anyway, those were some of the thoughts running through my mind during the trip. Let me know if you’ve experienced those conflicting and surreal thoughts about our reality and senses.

Perpetually in awe, W (October 14, 2019)

[2slowgoers]

10.11.19 how my body has shaped my life

some other thoughts in my head today is the big impact my body and it’s responses, has had on my life. it’s not something i was very conscious about until more recently in life, when i became more in tune with my body and noticing that a lot of my discomfort with my activities/situations, is connected to my body. for example:

- keloids on my shoulder blades. i’ve had them since i was 17? but they’ve grown larger over the years. they are not silent creatures. they react, they heat up, they argue with me! if i eat too much of something, or eat the wrong things, or wear the wrong texture of clothing, they get angry with me! they itch. they grow slightly bigger (get inflamed), they get pink and heated. as a result, having these have made me hyperconscious just doing everyday things. i don’t feel comfortable hugging people i’m not close to. or getting patted on the back. or getting the “i’m sorry” hand on shoulder gesture. i envy the runners and yoga classmates in their sports bras and their smooth skin. i think about dancing with others (not that i want to dance), but how that would make me feel awkward. i’ve even thought about how if i were to ever date again and hook ups, how that interaction will go. it’s not that i am ashamed of them, but more, i know its a world that would ask “what is that?” “why do you have that?” and feel sympathetic for me. me wanting to avoid these situations is not because i am ashamed, but because i don’t want to explain myself to others. 

tangentially - white people at my work do that a lot. “omg you never watched a football game?” “omg you never went to a concert?” “omg you don’t know how to drive?” you know, instead of accepting and saying “ah i see!” they go down the “OMG YOU NEVER DID THAT?” “OMG YOU NEVER WATCHED THAT?” it annoys the HELL out of me. those questions are driven by self-centered ness, ethnocentrism, and never for once, considered that the world does NOT revolve around them or their culture. (I had to go through this quite a few times this week). It’s f u c k e d.

- hemorrhoid. oh my little roid. i think i first experienced blood in my stool around junior year of high school. no little roid existed until many years later, but it was harmless. now, why would this roid intefere with my life you may ask... well, it makes eating + traveling hard now. unlike the many other 20 year olds, i cannot drink much alcohol (constipation!) or indulge in foods without also taking a shit ton of fiber and stool softener. i mean this literally blew up and gave me 2 months of intense pain, because i was indulging a bit more than normal in amsterdam and barcelona!!! (i know it’s built up from so much more than that), but what i mean, the existence of this would make it hard for me to go back to nepal and go trekking. how can i go for 10 days without a shower? pooping in holes in the ground? without much access to toilet paper again? it’s fucked my desire for adventure. i need to be super conscious now about whether i will have access to toilet paper, a proper trash can, running water, hand sanitizer, clean underwear. stuff that i didn’t have to care for when i roughed it and traveled when i was younger. i hope to eradicate the roid soon with a procedure, but there is no guarantee that it won’t be back. in a way, it’s actually intensified my dream to travel and backpack, because all of this might be worse when i’m much older, and i’ll need proper amenities more consistently...

- did you know my skin gets light patches if i am in the sun too much? if i am too tanned, my skin gets blotchy. it has helped me get out of the sun and be more wary about protecting my sun, but as a 20 year old having that, while everyone else was evenly tanned and blemish-less, i always wondered what i ever did to deserve the body i am in...

- i can’t drink much alcohol because it gives me stomachaches, it makes me itchy, it gives me hives, it gives me constipation. while i am suffering from all of this, i have had people laugh at my situation like “omg no way! what bad luck!” “seriously?” and continue with their days and weeks of drinking and indulging and eating out. oh yes, eating out consistently makes my poop and therefore roids WORSE, so it’s not something i can do a lot, no matter where in the world i am in. i am better off just eating a sweet potato or tomato or cucumber if i am in a place i cannot cook, tbh. 

so yeah, these are the ways my body has shaped my life. maybe if i had a body that could handle alcohol better and not get angry, and my skin was really smooth and i felt good being touched and hugged by strangers, i might be more extroverted, i might want to be out dancing, i might want to be out drinking. that is not my life right now though. doing all those things make me tired, itchy, inflamed, and constipated. 

all of this is just some thoughts i have while the girls in the meetup i created go out for a night of food and drinks and dancing lol. i do wonder what it would be like to live a life like that, where my body liked those things too...

[2slowgoers]

10/11/19 slow is the new goal for me

hey w, 

thanks for sharing all that you did! from the squabble with T to your time at GHC and reflecting on what you’re doing with your time. You are so self-reflective. I really appreciate that about you. I agree that it is very weird and a tad uncomfortable all the contradictions that tech embodies. in tech, i find all these people who are genuinely good people with good intentions, but tbh at the end of the day is also just focused on their own well-being. it’s full of people who may care about the world, but care more about their own survival and having a happy life. these were the type of people Tv despised and complained about, and I guess you and I are kind of one of them and surrounded by. It’s something I struggle to come to terms with everyday, and contributes to my daily moments of misery and questioning “what the f am i doing here”. but what can ya do, life is short and we also want to be able to enjoy the world’s luxuries.

the topic i wanted to write about today is the essence of our tumblr name, being “slow” and how that is the new goal for me. it’s always kind of been my nature, but one that I saw as “bad” and tried to grow out of. but i am feeling a change within, and to embrace and accept myself more, is to also embrace that part of me. i look around me, at my coworkers, my acquaintances, people i pass by on the way home, and it appears that people are always doing something, going on to the next thing, either focused on developing relationships or developing themself in some hobby, to get better... if it was the Sims, everyone’s trying to level up. It’s something I never quite did, and never quite got, but I always felt the pressure to do. 

it’s been enough years of trying to push myself to be someone I just am not, and time to get in touch with who I really am, and that is someone who wants a life of slowness. I want to spend days floating in the water, lying on the grass, listening to the same music on repeat, admiring each moment and what i get to see when i slow down (which i am lucky to get to do on my walks to work/home). i am most naturally, and at home, when I get to do close to nothing (but in interesting environments). that might be when I am the happiest. it is the pressure of how that is not “good” that i think in my early 20s, pushed me overboard and to be constantly unhappy with myself and thinking there was something wrong with me. of course, i still enjoy the occasional push and feeling ‘high’ like that feeling when you click with someone in your first moments or when you accomplish a challenging hike, but for the most part, i don’t want that to be my everyday.

a reason i struggled a lot with this about me, is because society typical “motivational” stories are about “getting out of your comfort zone” and “do what makes you uncomfortable” and “you’ll never know if you don’t try” and “nothing’s going to change if you don’t change how you live your life”. so as a result of listening to that advice, i pushed myself to try all these things, and try to put myself out there. sometimes in the short term i would appreciate what i learn or people i meet, but looking back a few months later now? i wish i didn’t do those things lol (but also am glad i did, otherwise i would never know). idk, it’s weird, how do i get out of my comfort zone, if I know the things I will just genuinely not enjoy? what if I don’t want to go to that concert? or go dancing? or go drinking? those are technically all outside of my comfort zone, but i know if i do those things, i will feel drained. what is the balance? at this point, i know what isn’t for me, and i am okay with that. it might change someday in the future, but being around lots of people is something i know i really can’t stand nowadays.

I remember when I first moved out here, I had this list and I was obsessed with picking up new hobbies and doing things... I need to learn to farm! to sew! to camp! to drive! exercise! eat healthy! art communities! activism! make friends! blah blah. and here i am, 1.5 years later, having met a lot of people in these spaces and made some “friends” (you know, people i do things with), and tbh even thinking about all of it makes me tired.  i’d say the hikes i’ve done here are the only thing i am grateful to have done. i am grateful for doing everything else too, because i realized i didn’t want to continue doing them. so yeah, i am going to slow down. do what i know i like - more nature, more hikes, more slowing down, more learning, more being around the right people. less pressuring myself, less pushing myself, less attempt at trying to “level up”. because honestly, what’s the rush? also if it’s not my priority to be really good at something, then there is no need for me to focus my time on doing that. i know that doing something i enjoy for my day job (doesn’t have to be content, but rather the structure/freedom/flexibility) hugely impacts my life, and right now, being in tech in the bay area just isn’t doing it for me. 

all of this reflection was really sparked by my typical thoughts as i walk home how, if i dig really deep, i am not happy/satisfied with my life. i know it’s all temporary and i am capable of pushing through, but there is nothing exciting about my work. being able to find it exciting or engaging means a lot to me, so that is where i am putting the energy i have left, to take the steps where i can, to do something fulfilling, or at least, something on my terms. 

cheers to us 2slowgoers, going slow. and even if your preference is to go fast, that’s awesome too :) i’ll be cheering for you just a few steps behind hah.

[2slowgoers]

same artist posted this excerpt today - i feel it deep in ma bonez

[2slowgoers]

this is a screenshot of the instagram story of a black woman artist i follow. she occasionally posts her process and today, these colors just made me so happy (the artist is jitterbug_art)

[2slowgoers]

Hindsight 20/20

Hi L,

I’m also excited to get back on this letter-swapping blog. As I’m thinking about how to write this, I feel the weight of all that’s happened since early 2018 and it’s so hard to figure out how to consolidate the history and the emotions and the JOURNEY. I’m also way busier now (as I made it so), so I imagine finding time to sit and write something long and thoughtful every time may be hard. But that’s okay -- even a small excerpt is okay as long as we’re getting it out there.

I had a little argument earlier with T just now about me nagging him to eat certain vegetables he doesn’t like. He said that he’s an adult and I’m not his mom, and I told him that that’s how our groceries go bad. So many times we’ve had to throw things out, especially when I’m gone. It’s not like I want to force him to eat these things, but if we’re going to live together and eat together, that’s something you need to be responsible about. I told him that if he doesn’t want to eat things he doesn’t like then maybe we should be getting our own groceries. I know it was aggressive of me, and I know I have a tendency to get angry/defensive when T is upset with me. I’m working on unlearning the combative and micro-managing nature that my mom tends to exhibit. 

On another note, I had a discussion with my therapist today about the significance of attending GHC last week, as well as re-evaluating the value of my design certificate. I told her that promoting TW to other women/non-binary folk and observing the contradictory nature of the conference and career hall reinstilled my faith in TW as a tech company and the thought that I may leave the tech industry if I quit TW. It was so surreal to see the keynote speeches discuss social justice and lifting each other up, only to go to the career fair and watch people line up for hours and then RUN across the hall to grab an interview slot at some big tech company. There are so many tech companies that seem to only be there to fill up their quotas of under-represented people. Really discouraging :( The fact that we were one of the few companies that allow space for career-changers (as told to us by one of the candidates) was really sad and perpetuates the ageism and elitism in the tech industry. I told my therapist I’d be interested in working for myself maybe, doing dev work but who knows.

The other thing I mentioned earlier was re-evaluating the purpose of the online classes I’m taking. I was thinking about this today while trying to catch up on homework, and recalled the lack of care and effort I put in some of my work simply because I didn’t have time or energy to care. Doing online classes removes the personal aspect of design and critiques, which I valued a lot when I was still living in LA. It’s easy to just do the homework and peer critiques just to pass the class instead of grow when you don’t have any connection with your teacher and classmates. We agreed by the end of the session that I should talk to an advisor about how courses transfer in the future, as right now this may not be serving me the same way it did before. I definitely think I can still learn in the future though. 

in the past i revealed things too quick and that made me struggle, so this time i am going to prepare behind the scenes a bit before sharing.

I understand -- there’s a lot of internal pressure that builds up when you try to share too early. Know that most people won’t care if you aren’t progressing as fast or effectively as you’d like. I’m happy to support you in any way you need. 

There are still so many other things to discuss, such as how our families, lives, and purposes have changed. I’ll get to that in a different post. Not much will change in the span of a day or two (hopefully, although knowing my family you never know lol).

Night, W (Oct 10, 2019!!)

[2slowgoers]

back, 2 years later

dear W,

wow, what a spontaneous decision and day that we decided to come back to this tumblr. i had basically given up before because i didn’t remember the log in information, but realized it was surprisingly easy to figure it all out once i did some digging. it just required me to do some digging, and i managed to do it at my desk this morning at work, lol! anyways, as mentioned earlier, i’ll spend this post writing about some reflections of the past two years, but first i’d like to start with my thoughts from today and what i want to share with you.

i originally wanted to go to ymca after work, i usually cycle on wednesday nights (like this would have only been the 3rd wednesday since i joined the ymca in september). i remember a few weeks ago we had this very very very old black man as a sub teacher, he must have been in his 80s. i could barely understand him because his voice was very hoarse and not clear, cuz he was old, but boy were his legs FIT and boy, could he CYCLE. but i had to poop way too bad today by 6pm because jetlag, and i had 1 cup of coffee (to combat jetlag), so I decided to walk home. the walk home was very meditative. i listened to some korean ballads. i love walking lake merritt as my commute, i actually recognize the dogs and humans now! and notice the many birds in the dirty water and the sky is so pretty. there are a lot of runners. and a lot of dogs, the dogs make my day. i love observing the similarities of the dogs with their owners.

work has been relaxing so far because i have learned not to take it too seriously. i appreciate my coworkers because many of them are like me, and are chill and good human beings. though there are the few narcissistic people, ugh. but i like taking the slow pace i do at work and still perform pretty well, and be a team member people appreciate having around. i shadowed an in person interview today of this white guy who went to uchicago and he had a patagonia vest and was bad at verbal communication. it was a bad interview, i feel bad for him, because he seems so smart. i realized i wanted to like him so bad, but just couldn’t? then i remembered how hard it is to interview and how stressful it was. i can’t believe we are now at a point in our careers where we are interviewing others haha.

okay, that’s enough tangents.

reading our posts from 2 years ago was very “awwwww, my heart”. it sounded like we both had our anxieties. you were getting impatient at home and frustrated with family, i sounded like i had a HORRIBLE time at my internship ha and was so anxious about jobs. i’m so happy to see the progress we have made since then. a lot has changed, but a lot also hasn’t. my dreams/bucket list goals from back then have not changed :) and i still haven’t gotten my permit yet, but I have my DMV written test scheduled for THIS SATURDAY!! Yay! we have hit some of our goals, like the fact that you’re currently enrolled in painting class! anyways, i think it is quite funny that my goals have not changed much. blogging is still a #1 goal of mine. and though i’ve been quiet about it in general, i have been thinking and planning and strategizing a LOT. and i have some things in the plans, that i am not quite ready to reveal to the world yet. in the past i revealed things too quick and that made me struggle, so this time i am going to prepare behind the scenes a bit before sharing. i will let you know once i feel a bit more confident/comfortable.

speaking of, i have been studying a lot of the people i follow on social media and their ages and see that people get comfortable and confident in their creations the older they get, like late twenties. ive been finding that pretty reassuring and inspiring, knowing that we will settle into ourselves the older we get. tbh i feel like the 3 years after college is like freshman year for adulthood all over again, and afterwards, we go through the same kind of development as we did in college, and slowly mature and know ourselves better. having turned 25, i just hope that this year will be that for me. i mean the fact that i started this year off already with a broken friendship with T has already helped me better realize what i want in my life anyway.

i know it’s easy for me to look back and feel like i’m still a failure. but i try to remember that each of the past years, full of struggles and challenges as they were, there was also a lot of growth. i appreciate you being there for me all this time. it’s also interesting how time seems to both slow down and speed up, speed up as in time passes faster but less change occurs. i notice that in my older roommates that 1 year is not a lot of time and waiting for things to happen in 1-2 years is not a lot compared to 1-2 years at this point in our lives, so much change can happen. i am hoping for my 25th year to be one where i can finally speak up about myself, my thoughts, openly to the public and not feel like i have to repress any part of myself. which i have been doing for so long. slowly, but surely. 23 was a year of intense transitions, 24 was a year of more minor but lots of transitions, but i ultimately got to where i wanted to be. so that is reassuring.

(jetlag is hitting me, so apologies if my writing is incoherent)

as for future plans, and as i mentioned over text, the trip has helped me realize how much i missed learning and being in a school environment and just having readings and getting to discuss with classmates. and you know, be in this space where people care about the same things and talk about it? that’s what i really enjoyed about the decolonization panel in berlin, it was a space for people to talk, think, and just discuss for the sake of discussing. not a common opportunity for people of color in general. we could let our imaginations and questions wander and share a space. which is why i was bothered when my thoughts on the panel were dismissed and none of the actual discussion was appreciated or properly evaluated. i miss those spaces. i also envy S’s life sometimes, because he gets to work for a mission and cause that all his coworkers share and there is this camaraderie in researching global infectious diseases. it’s just a beautiful thing to observe and something i want to have for at least a couple of years. besides grad school, i want to spend my gap year traveling asia in more depth. and ideally over land, without much flying. there is so much i want to see and learn and document. i want to finally be able to spend some time on my interests like more environmental/naturey things (volunteering) or trekking & camping in mountains...etc and studying resources and how resources are used in the world. i have so many questions and so many curiosities.

sometimes i get overwhelmed by all my nichey interests and struggle to articulate them, then i start getting worried how i will be able to fit all my nichey interests into my life and balance it all. i guess the only way to know is to start doing these things and see where it goes. and i am working on it! i swear! it’s all just happening silently or i am not promoting what i’m doing very much, because a lot of it is so personal. S and I had a brief tough talk about this topic - he wanted to see me take more action and when i said i was, he didn’t really believe me because i never talk about it, and i told him i intentionally don’t talk about some of the things i think about or are working on because they are just so personal. i hope i can relax more in time with sharing the work i am putting into myself and trying to create.

anyhoo, i’m very happy we are getting back into writing and sharing with each other (not like we don’t already do it). i know this post was a lot of “I” and focused on myself. please do know that i don’t expect you to write in response to the things i write. i would love to see a post written by you, also centered on you :)

[2slowgoers]

The Concept of Home and Normalcy

Coucou L (that’s a familiar greeting in French)!

After a most eventful month and a half, I am now on my last day in France. There’s been a lot of time for relaxing, exploring, and reflecting. After my sister left, her shadows stayed with me for a bit, as I was constantly updated and reminded of her by my family. However, I feel like I’ve evolved, even if only in my stumbling but steadying French skills. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what home, family, and the concept of “normal” means, so let’s talk about that.

We’ve used it before in our conversations, but I have an aversion to the word “normal”. It’s often used carelessly to define the accepted ideal and other-ize those who don’t fit the standard. In high school people used to always say I was weird but I always yelled back that I was normal, because I felt they were misusing “weird,” and honestly what even is normal? I saw on FB the other day a picture with a caption that said something like “I tried to be normal but it was boring so I went back to being me.” GOD that’s so cheesy. In this specific case the person was attempting to other-ize themself, but with an air of superiority. Whether it’s used in a positive or negative context, normal in general is used to marginalize or applaud various experiences. This brings me to something we talk about so much -- the idea of a “normal” home and family. 

I haven’t had a stable home for a month already, and I will continue to not have a somewhat permanent home address until the end of April. Certainly this isn’t what people would consider “normal.” I don’t mind my situation; it’s been quite a blessing being able to travel the world.  As I wandered from house to house though, I observed how differently each family operated. The aunt I’m with now often goes on business trips (as does her husband), while the other aunt in the Paris suburbs is a homestay mother. An aunt down south wakes up early every morning to sell products at the market, while another aunt who lives near her stays at home every day, her relationship with her husband reduced to two near strangers rooming in the same house. Some are more satisfied with their lives, and all are working to improve themselves and their situations. As such, each family has their own definition of “normal” and the daily. I was really frustrated with my own family for being so dysfunctional, but now it’s quite clear that nobody really knows what is the best path to take in life. Every decision, whether calculated or spurred, has its consequences and who knows if things would be better if it had not been made. 

I think my recent fear of having children stems from my inability to predict and control the external factors that may cause a child or teenager to rebel. Sure, I can try and be patient and have proper conversations with my child, but what if they have a really difficult personality? What if they are influenced by some nasty people outside and are incorrigible? I know you’ve said before that people will lead their own lives, but I’d feel so lonely and disappointed if I were to be emotionally betrayed or rejected by my child. I see my fears manifest themselves in the pathetic situations of your parents and mine, and it’s really emotionally draining. Both you and T have been very supportive, however, and I’m thankful that yous believe in me.

I don’t have any concrete conclusions for my thoughts, besides the fact that there’s no right way to have a family and home. I guess that encapsulates everything: there’s no right way to think, live, or do. Anyway, I had a good time overall and I’m glad I got to come here. I’ll see you in a few days!

Thoughtfully,

W (Jan 25, 2018)

[2slowgoers]

2018 Here we come!

Hey W,

Apologies for the MAJOR delay in posts. I still face some anxieties when it comes to writing but no matter what, I know writing is really important to me, so I need to keep doing it. I’ve been journaling lots though - both in my online journal and on pen + paper. Maybe by the time I’ve repeated things twice, it’s hard to repeat a third time on here/my blog hah. 

Anyhoo, before diving into 2018 goals, I will write about that reflection about my work in 2017 as I promised. I think overall, I am SO glad those couple of months are over. It was a stressful time and I was miserable very often. But I also grew heaps and bounds and learned a LOT about the workplace that I would never have otherwise. Like, I am kind of glad my first experience was. so dysfunctional because now I know how to. be selective about where to work next, though I hope me being picky won’t mean it’s harder to find a job. The internship was valuable in the sense that I experienced small organization workings and was able to interact with big corporations. I was able to get an inside glimpse to what a white feminist white collar work industry is like, and I was able to bond with other POC who felt similar to me. It definitely made me more passionate about advocating for marginalized folks in the workplace. Luckily, I don’t have many remnant feelings of the workplace now. At the time, it was quite consuming, but I was lucky to have a nice home life to go back to. Now? I’ve forgotten almost all of what my miserable feelings were while at work and it’s been great. 

As for 2018 goals - I honestly don’t know if I have that many! I want to find a job (DUH), a job that I want and I can learn a lot from and be relatively stable off of (ahem and pay off loans), and start off the next chapter of my life with H! He’s got a lot going on for him and though we’ve had some arguments in the past couple of days, we are working on it together and I am more hopeful. It’s going to be hard of course, but I sure hope we can find a way. Maybe this will give me more of a chance to develop my own life + friendships. I am set on moving to Chi with you and T, and I am very excited about experiencing adult life with yall. I think we are all ready for it. Work will be interesting and it will be interesting for all of us to go through the ups and downs of a first job together. Besides these basic things, I want to work on my writing and read more regarding my interests around justice, diaspora, immigration, and so on. I want to make sure to keep these things alive because it’s still a huge interest of mine and they are topics I want to go back to school for.

Entering 2018 has so far been a rollercoaster of emotions. Well, it hasn’t been an extreme rollercoaster, but it has been quite a few ups and downs. Gladly, I can say I am feeling calm right now, but earlier in the day (and other days), my first feeling of the day is anxiety. I feel anxious about jobs and relationships mainly, and about the uncertain future. When I first got here, it was scary to see old friends change, and honestly, I think that is going to get me every single time I see a friend again, or just anyone after a year’s gap. Hopefully, I’ll get used to it and embrace it, and appreciate our time together instead. At the back of my mind, amidst all this stress and anxiety, I know it is also exciting, but while the stress is hanging in there, it really hangs... But then I linger with the stress, think a bit, and the stress goes away - IDK it’s a weird cycle. I’m glad we have each other though, to work through all of this. #smallsteps

I’m sorry your S has been such a disappointment but hey, it’s not on you. We can just push through these few years and hope these rowdy teen years pass. In the meantime, you gotta focus on yourself! Don’t let her drag you down. I was also really naive to believe her...like REALLY naive, or maybe she has changed that much since October. Either way, she’s gotta grow up at some point and things will get better.

IN THE MEAN TIME,

Let’s enjoy our time together to the max :)

P.S. Please post all photos of your artwork! In process or not, they are so beautiful

[2slowgoers]

New Year Blues

Happy (Belated) New Years, L!

The new year kinda swept in and I didn’t really have time to reflect on what happened in the past year. I think so much happened at the end of the year that I have barely been able to think about anything else -- even now. I’m worried I don’t really have any goals for this year, but I guess that can be developed as the year goes on. I do want to get into story writing and illustrating again. 

The one thing I’ve concluded (and I mentioned it to you) is that I am too trusting of people and will be taken advantage of in the future. After trusting and defending my sister for months, only to find that she had taken advantage of my loyalty and trust, I feel that if I can’t even trust my own family, who can I trust? I know she’s just a teenager with a lot of issues, but this incident reminded me of all the other times I trusted people only to find that my judgement was wrong.  This year, I’m going to try to be more resolute in my decisions and stop being so soft-hearted. Even if it’s just someone asking for money on the streets, I’ll be more vigilant. This might be useful when it comes to navigating the work place. I need to figure out how this works in my social justice involvement, though. How do you navigate being on guard and defending and helping the oppressed?

Okay, I still have to figure out what I’m thinking about this year and the last, but this is a start. Have a fun time traveling with your buds!

W (Jan 9 2018)