30somethingsurviving

[30somethingsurviving]

I haven't blogged for a while about my dating life, in part because life is been really messy

And also because it's been very beautiful.

To some degree I'm just wanted to live it rather than write about it. My Dad recently passed away, and this is been on Earth shattering for me. But before he passed he got to meet a very special gentleman. My Dad liked him very much, so much that he gave him a nickname. My dad gives nicknames to those he loves. Mine is Doodlebug. At his funeral, people told me the nicknames he had given them. My dad called this particular man, Romeo, because my dad could see the romance and genuine compassion between myself and this man.

For now, I too will refer to this man as Romeo. Although that's not his real name, it is a testament to the romance he brings to the table. We started talking after matching on a dating site. He asked a lot of questions. So many that I felt like I was having a job interview. What I learned was that he was looking for more than the other men I had met, he was looking for a quality relationship. So he asked questions. Important questions. We met for the first time at Starbucks, exactly in the middle of our two cities. We sat and talked for quite a while and the connection was instant. I want to pause here and explain that there are major cultural diffenreces, so he didn't always understand my fantastic jokes. But he laughed anyway. And he looked in my eyes and commented that they were beautiful. Our conversations we're meaningful and deep. We have a lot in common. And oh man, he is so handsome. Like smoking hot. Like holy smokes what is he doing going on a date with me!?

But guess what?! He found me beautiful. He did something amazing. He acknowledged my body, and said "I like your curves," which was more like "I like your curbs" because V's sound like B's in Spanish, and I've never found curbs more appealing.

He asked me to dinner and I agreed. After dinner we said our goodbyes. I couldn't even return home. I went straight to my best friend's house to talk about it.

This Adventure did not stop here. We are still together, making a choice to love one another, and to seek to love each other in the most honorable and meaningful ways we can. This is not just lust or the honeymoon stage. This is effort. This is work that we chose everyday. I cannot wait to share our adventures.

[30somethingsurviving]

The L word

As we meet new people we tend to ask questions to better guage  how we relate to one another, to find commonalities, or to just facilitate conversation. Recently, I was asked how I define love. It took me by surprise, because the L- word has been synonymous with all things terrible lately.

After my divorce, I thought a lot about what it means to love someone. I was very confused. I sincerely thought what my husband and I had was love until I knew it wasn't. I became angry, I cried, and I decided love was similar to death because it was painful and left one to mourn.

Now that I have had time to heal, I have a different view. I think that what I realized is that what the Bible says is the most accurate. Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, keeps no record. Love isn't perfect, it isn't flowers and champagne. Love is the truest form of friendship and companionship. It's trust, it's faith. It's messy, but it's unconditional.  Love doesn't jump ship when things get uncomfortable. It reaches out, buckles down, and perseveres through hard times.

Love is a commitment. It is work. But it is so worth it.

[30somethingsurviving]

This is so true. It's hard to let go, but it's necessary so that there is room for the one who wants to be a part of your life more than anything.

[30somethingsurviving]

I wrote this to recap the last year

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]

A friend shared this on FB today. It spoke to my heart profoundly. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not because a boy broke my heart, but because I hurt someone else. My heart was so heavy. I felt so much. This guy was seemingly perfect. He was attractive, had a great job, and a true gentleman. He was a good father, and he made it well known to me that he appreciated me as a person. He called me gorgeous every single day. I should have ran with this. I truly should have. But my heart is stuck on someone else.

I rambled through my head for every excuse I could think of to cancel our Valentine’s day date. I thought of every excuse that I had ever heard from other guys. I asked friends for advice. I prayed. I decided to give the respect that I would want and just be honest. I would not make excuses.

I explained to him that I was wrong for ever seeing him in the first place, because I still had feelings for someone else. I told him that he was amazing, and that I was genuinely sorry. I explained that I couldn’t see him knowing how I felt for another person, because he deserves someone who is completely invested. And even if I am never with the person I care for again, I would rather be alone than to mislead another person. Part of me thought “they do it to me so what’s the big deal?” But my spirit is crushed at the thought of hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt in the past.

Today I wake up and I feel numb. I feel alone, but I know that I am not using someone else to fulfill my needs.

[30somethingsurviving]

At some point, we have to value ourselves enough to let go. Let go of those who have already let go of us. Let go of uncertainty and confusion. Let go of insecurities that weren't ours to carry at all. Because while we haul these bags of negativity around, we are covering up our true selves, preventing anyone from the opportunity to see our light. Call me hopeless, but I still believe there is someone out there who won't let me go.

[30somethingsurviving]

Valentine's day is coming y'all. In honor of of that nonsense, here's some jokes so we can pretend we're happy about it.

[30somethingsurviving]

One. Two. Three.

There we stood, barefoot with our toes curling over the edge of the cliff. We looked down into the pooled water below. Ankle to ankle, arm in arm. We stared down and I felt my heart begin to pound. My insides were screaming in alarm. My what ifs were interrupted by your calmness. “What if everything turns out to be great?”

You sang to me to quiet my spirit. We can do this. I looked at you, and for a moment everything was still. I was safe. You were with me. We counted to three. One. Two. Three. I bent my legs and I leaped over the edge. As soon as I did I realized you had let go. You were still standing on the cliff. I fell, alone, for what seemed like eternity. Panic set in. Eventually I hit the water, hard. As I gasped for air, my lungs sucked water in and I began to sink. You remained on the edge, without emotion, and allowed me to sink.

- Felicia

[30somethingsurviving]

Exclusive dating, anyone?

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]

MVP of the losing team

Everybody is hyped about the Superbowl. And I’m over here staring blankly at the wall. I’m not good at games. I’m not a terribly competitive person. I don’t need to always win. But damnit I could use a win. On days like today I feel like the MVP of the losing team.

Everybody is eating their wings and chips and dips. The thought of food is nauseating. I imagine lots of laughing, and joking, and razzing about which team is better. I finally got off the couch. I’ll take that as a win.

I think I’m bad at dating because I’m bad at games. I basically don’t try to play. I just show up as myself and feel what I feel. I can’t pretend not to be interested if I am. And I can’t lead people on of I’m not. I won’t play hard to get, I let people know their presence in my life is valued. I give way more than is ever returned. But that’s who I am.

I’m met with rejection over and over. I keep telling myself “you are worthy, just as you are.” But the message that is reinforced is “you’re so unworthy, you either change, or be alone.” I don’t know how to be anyone else. It doesn’t feel natural or right. Maybe some of us are just meant to be alone. Maybe that’s our lot in life. How does one accept that when their strongest desire in life is human connection and a family?

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]

[30somethingsurviving]