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4.6

I am really never going to be able to hold or hug or kiss izier ever again. It has been almost 3 years and I still picture us together and happy.

It’s never going to happen. I don’t want it. I don’t want him or his connection to Hannah or that baby. He’s fully ruined.

Plus he owes me 50k

I really hate that bitch and I hope he dies. That would make everything easier. I want to get to the point where he is a ghost and I am at peace with the memory.

I don’t want him, I suppose. Just whatever we had when things were good. When we were friends. Everything beautiful. We will never have that again.

I would love to spiral with someone. But in a good way. I would love to just fall into something lovely. But I have to make things happen for myself first. If I get fit and all of a sudden get attention I’m gonna lose my shit. I’m going to lose it.

I feel like love is right on the other side of those changes. Committing to taking walks in the morning and at lunch. Committing to eating cleaner, being more intentional, etc. I’ll have nothing but time when I start my media cleanse. But I can implement some changes now for sure.

Everything always feels like oh when I get here then I can start this but I can literally start whenever I just have to get up and do it. It’s so fucking annoying that even writing that, my brain starts panicking and looking for a way out.

Perhaps breaking the spell of social media is a niche. Idk.

I just want to disconnect and slough off this strange feeling. But I am high, on my period, and overate soooooo perhaps I’m just feeling icky

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3.14

The disclaimer is that I’m high. I just got swept up in writing a concept for a project of sorts that I don’t even remember what I came here to say except nooowww I remember

I was feeling like I exhibited signs of some kind of something in a lot of ways. A little whisper of a ~something’s off~ but I also feel like I assume other people think about me more than they do and I realize I should take a less judgmental tone when I analyze myself.

But I do know that spiritually (I feel like the guy at the party that won’t stop talking lol why am I like this) (why do I view myself in this way?) I am struggling. I am asleep a LOT! That reads kinda schizo but I really would love to find a way to keep myself on top of things. I could start making a to do list for the following day… I need to start being smarter about grocery shopping and food preparation in general.. I need to get rid of more shit :/ I really need to pare down uuuugggghhhh I have too much stuff. I have a bunch of stuff I need to actually use as well. Once again a phone and media cleanse makes more and more sense.

I am going to cut my hair to whichever length makes most sense when I turn 33 and begin a true journey of self. It is true that nothing changes if nothing changes.

I need to dig deep and put time into things I know could be good for me.. to at least try.

I am going to go to bed and hopefully have a productive day tomorrow.

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2.16

I came home from Chico today to most of the rest of the stuff from the room at my parents out in the entryway lmao

It’s sticking with me lol idk my mom just bugs the fuck out of me

Why would I want to come home to a chore

It’s good tho, the quicker my stuff is all the way out of there the quicker I can truly purge and also not have any ties to that house. As a matter of fact I need to get all my shit out of the back yard as well.

Clearly anything of mine is not wanted.

I’m tired. After 4 hours of driving and an otherwise great weekend that’s just not what I wanted to be confronted with lmao but now it seems I have a project for this week. Fun.

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2.9

Faith is officially no longer working in our office 🎉

That bitch is blocked everywhere, fuck her lol weirdo

I’ve been obsessed with serj tankian/soad lately and now I’m convinced I need me a cute lil Armenian who looks exactly like him but I do also wonder about the cultural implications and where exactly women fall on that totem pole.

Idk I want someone who worships me and deeply deeply regards and values me.

Adreana was saying how Raymond was fucking this girl who was a nurse and was so fixed on how she makes great money and has her own shit lol and it really opened my eyes to like… there are folks out there whose priorities around “love” and relationships are just wildly not in alignment with mine lol

Sure it’s great to have standards, I personally would never date a homeless man again, but idk….. all of it seems so leechy

I wouldn’t specifically deal with someone because they made good money. Cause like…… what if they have some venereal disease they’re not telling me about LMAO

Or what if they’re a giant asshole, more commonly

I don’t get it how people who grow up with less are just naturally more prone to being sucked into that rat race of like, I have to have nice things that present the image of having money…… when you know damn well there ain’t noooo wealth behind it. Just money blown on an image.

It’s fucking weird lol

Anyway anyway. Unless my serj can find me, I think I’m good lol the idea of a relationship scares the actual fuck out of me anyway.

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1.27

So it’s been a while hannit

I smoked after almost a whole month sober. Tricky one because as I type that I’m like ew weed is kinda gross?? So now I’m conflicted… not really tho

I want to find a better way to process while sober. Because I like the insight smoking gives but also it kinda feels gross? Maybe I smoked too much lol

Idk. It looks like Shamira’s doing her own lil thing on YouTube… which like yes absolutely she should lol but idk miss thang been so flakey lately. It’s kinda silly.

The desire to hang is just not really there and that’s okay. Perhaps there will be another time in life that will be better. Maybe we are supposed to be at a distance. Life is funny.

I’ve been getting obsessed with system of a down (in the last 24 hours)

I wanna start a podcast - perhaps media focused because I like that

I’m getting “if you even care” but idk

We shall see we shall see

This shit with Mariah is pissing me off lol I gotta get tf out of that place it’s just too much now. Too much getting too comfy and acting weird. Narp. Bye lol

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11.17

I posted ufc shit yesterday and Raymond responded. Which like…… it’s kinda giving okay duh. I almost wish I didn’t because I feel like it kinda seems like I was baiting it. Kinda wish he wouldn’t have tho.

I had a weird dream about him just now during my nap. I went to go pick up his kids so I could watch them. It was that same like single wide or whatever prefab as the very first dream I had about him… so weird

He was getting ready for his “second job” and came out of the bathroom all goth with black lipstick and everything lol

So he said hi to the people who were there and then said hi to me and it was kinda awkward, he hugged me but then decided to kiss me. Twice. Then he left and whoever was still there started like teasing me about it. Some unknown guy was like so what were you guys like in love or something and we all started laughing.

Girl it was so odd.

It seems like Adreana knows more than she lets on. Something tells me he’s said he does not want me lol or sooooomething

Maybe she feels bad that he’s still friends with them and doesn’t talk to me. Idk.

Whatever the case, the truth of the matter is he’s 1) not pursuing me and 2) probably just not for me in general. Unless he gives up the idea of having more biological kids. Plus I’m sure he voted for trump which is strange and overtly violent. So.

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10.29

Adreana updated me on Raymond, apparently miss girl stuffed the whole owl up in her.

Someone’s wife contacted him all mad that she’s been fucking her husband lololololol just tearing up lives it’s insane

Her parents called the cops on him, her other family offered for him to live with them, he said no. Ad and Jake offered to help him, he said no.

Atp that whole situation is dead. If I haven’t had one dream about him then like……. there wasn’t really anything. Plus idk it’s all so pathetic. I can see why he didn’t want me around for this.

He asked about me. No follow up questions, just how have I been. Like bitch you can talk to them but you won’t reach out to me to say aaaaaanything?

He knew he was gonna blow it up. I have zero respect for that situation, we shouldn’t have ever gone to Hensley. We shouldn’t have fucked. He was trying so hard to get me to feel how he felt, that there wasn’t anything or any time that we could ever take back. But he wanted to. He wanted to undo all of it.

I feel like the only guys that want to have a responsible talk after yall fuck don’t really want your ass lol it’s not about being mature it’s about making it known that they don’t want any ties to you. Sick work.

Pathetic. All of it.

In other news faith apparently demanded that Vero give me a write up for the superbills thing so I backed out of moving unfortunately. Im gonna work on paying off debts and building up my savings and then look again. I’m going to confront it at some point but not till one of us doesn’t work there any more.

The feeling of last nights dream has stuck with me all day. I also fucked some man in a car and had an orgasm… like full throbbing orgasm, it was crazy. I know some of my interactions with izier were good, I can feel the warmth in my head. I can feel his skin on my face. I hate that it’s been over two years and I’m still dreaming of him. With immense love.

I do not want him. It would legitimately kill me to do one more bid with him. But there is something about loving him so much and being made to feel like I am not good enough for him that’s just damaging lol

I am not for him. Plain and simple. I hesitate to say I am too good for him but it’s true. Maybe I’m not tho maybe I’m just broken in a different way and our brokenness is hazardous when combined.

Or maybe he’s just a nasty nasty liar. Idk.

I wish I could have him with a nicer spirit. Long curly hair, likes bikes instead of skateboards, secure, sweet and doting, kind, generous, humble. Has a lot of friends who love him like a brother.

So basically I want the exact opposite of what he is. So fucked lol

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10.29

I had a dream last night that I begged god to make izier better and send him back to me. We spent some time together and idk what that was like, the tickle in my memory says we were at odds the whole time. But I also think I told him often how much I love him and want him back. It’s fucked.

I could feel my heart aching in the dream. Like my soul was begging for his to come find me for real. Not the demon soul that takes over, the one deep down. The one full of love.

It fucking sucks, this whole thing. I don’t want who he is and I could never ever trust that he would change. Sooo.

There’s no place for me in his life and no place for him in mine. I would love to be able to let go of the feeling.

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10.24

Faith hung up on me today. It’s giving big 😬

I don’t tend to deal with people who treat me the way she’s treating me. I don’t have space for that. It sucks but it’s like I can’t unsee the abusive behavior. I can understand why she is that way but I just can’t abide it.

I should have said something sooner I’m sure but it’s also not my job to be self aware for someone. I let people dig their own holes.

Bitches reppin stanley yelnats so hard fr. To their own detriment! It’s giving smh

It’s sad and uncomfortable. I cannot unsee her ass that she so willingly showed.

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10.23

Lots on my mind tonight. Faith is beating out at work because she can’t micromanage Mariah anymore. She’s losing her marbles lowkey like i feel like I’m watching her implode. She wouldn’t interact with me at all today. But unfortunately I can’t acknowledge the thing if she doesn’t bring up whatever’s bothering her. Cause I’m not about to draw it out of her. I’ve got my own stuff to worry about.

I know that if I pissed her off, that’s not really my problem. I didn’t go to Veronica to be malicious, I did it to give myself some peace of mind in the midst of not only the disorganization at work but eeevvveerryyyything else.

Being ghosted by a married man, my mom going thru literally stage four cancer and it honestly looking lowkey not great just from how feeble she’s gotten over the past few months. Her back feels stiff and just……idk it’s scary.

Just all of it. Life. Staring with whether or not I’m making the right move by moving out again. But it sounds like my parents are kinda financially stressed (long term). So it seems like I should get tf up outta here and kinda let them go thru this with a lil more privacy idk

It looks like ad and Jake saw Raymond last night. They took pics and ad put them on ig. Then when I called her to complain about work she didn’t bring it up at all but like, neither did I. She kinda seemed like she wanted to get off the phone lol maybe she doesn’t wanna talk about it.

Maybe he asked them not to say anything.

Maybe there is nothing to say.

Maybe whatever there is to say would just be even more like, mind boggling and it’s better if I don’t hear it.

Whatever the case, I don’t have fucking space for any of this shit lmao

Life is hard enough without being a single ish parent or your mom dying or your bd being trash or some man being a loser or your friend being mad because they’re hurt probably because your boss crossed you. It’s fucking messy lmao

I gotta dust off my resume dude fr I gotta go on and get. This did the trick for a minute but it’s very clear how fucked this is. I myself am cool off it. Idk how much longer I’ll be there but I do know I need to make moves ouuutttt.

This is going everywhere. That’s what my mind is doing rn I guess. And you know what’s so weird is like, Raymond is probably so deep in the trenches he doesn’t even think about me lol he probably can’t even remember my face on his own lmao a man

God how sad

How fucking sad to feel any type of way over this. It was, as is the case with most men, truly nothing.

But at the same time I do not want to believe that!

But unfortunately I think it was nothing lol which feels embarrassing.

Idk idk. Kinda wanna disappear for a min and come back hot af and then just like, reject everyone lol but not in a Paloma way… in a healed way. Reject as in it will be easier to detect the bullshit. Am I nuts?

Wish I could just leave my body whenever and go see whatever I’m dreaming at any time.

I gotta start trying to remember my dreams.

Good god where have I taken this lol I’m stoned 😛

I gotta figure this shit out nd get it together. Maybe I do need goals. Fuck.

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9.25

Part of this feels like a test. Just a lil blip from my paranoid mind. I feel like he’s going to gauge how much I’ve “changed” (tried to “improve myself”) and basically judge me lol long way to go… I’d love to be viewed as human

So weird dude

I really should come off it lol

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right tf after posting that

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9.22

I hate that feeling that pops up that I should feel bad for getting lost in the sauce

That is all ONE way my life could go. Just one way. And idk about that. Kinda wanna see what else we got going on oops

God I feel bad about that. This is a reminder to be mindful about those mf heart eyes lol they are trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder what he would think if he smoked lmao would he be like EW WTF

Lmao that’s gotta be a universal thing.

I mean, to do that sober is fucking PUTRID lmao one needs better judgment than to get into the thing in the first place if you’re fucking sober

FuUuUuUuck lmao

I need to help myself out. In many many ways. Many ways.

And one way is committing to myself to walk to the gym. Same routine, tues-thurs, and supplement with walks and yoga or Pilates at home. I gotta get it together. No more laying my ass down and dying slowly lol I gotta tighten up. For me!!!!!!!!!

The rest is nothing. The rest is not to be considered.

What a weird turn. Weird weird.

I don’t feel anything for that situation. I just know even better now. Holy shit that’s really all there is to it lmao

Ew ew ew!! Like I am high so I feel like I need to note that these are not mean spirited towards him at all. At all!!!!!!!! I just see parts of myself better now and it’s legit like cleaning shrimp dude it’s like I’m still not getting it right and my fucking hands are covered in goo now

It’s like earwax

I feel like there was still a coating of that tendency in me. And I’m trying to purge it when what would serve me more is to integrate it. Accept it welcome it know it. Be very familiar with what it sounds like when that sneaky foot catches the door. Know how to pivot when her claws start sinking.

We gotta get her to chill tf out. She’s wounded lol she has to have a seat

Idk which me has to take the reins here but we gotta get on this??? Like be fr. It’s time to live different and age better. Get that capricorn rising involved.

I need to write more. Need to spend more time alone. Need to read more. Need to eat cleaner. Need to drink more water 100%. Need to walk more. Need to look within once again and get my head on straight FOR ME. To prove it to myself.

The rest is forgotten. I have to be different to get different results. Fuck lol

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9.22

I feel like I’m repping a set I’m not really banging 😬

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck what is that fucking disney princess thing omg??? Like way to snap me out of it.

I fall into people and just wanna see the best in them ewwwww I am an idiot??? Okay I’m not an idiot lol I’m just a human being with issues 😇 and I think I’m really off the Raymond shit for real 😳 it just gives iiiiiiiiicky

The third party perspective is just grotesque. I can’t believe we fucked. I mean I can lol because we’re people but idk

The hindsight is weird.

I think there are things about both of us that if they changed by certain degrees, we’d be okay as friends. But atp 1) once again I expect this to go nowhere and 2) I’m really not shoh…about this whole thing.

Wait tho I could’ve fucking sworn I typed this out already but aaaannnyyyway he like cornered HiS wIfE and like begged for answers and she I guess was basically like the fyark bro leave me alone get out of my bedroom. Aaaagggghhhhhhh not izier!!!!!!!!!!! The spirit strikes again. This strange demon whose stench draws a certain character over and over and over.

Just… insanity.

Fuuuuuuuck he is someone they can’t get rid of. It’s so fucking triggering. To think that I once again have done the thing where I see someone’s potential and idk man idk

Or someone is bare minimum ass nice and I’m like wow

GOING TO VOMIT

GOING TO TOSS MY COOKIES IN A PROJECTILE MANNER

Im so off that shit!!!!!! I have stuff to do lmao no no no

NO

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[32flavorsotbbg]

9.20

What is that? That place I go to with people. Because I don’t mean it, deep down I don’t. And I think I need to be really real about that.

Idk what this time is doing? I mean clearly the only option is what I’m doing which is not holding it in any regard but just continuing my life as usual.

How I want to do it. Not how I think someone will like me if I do it. I can’t be beholden to any outside perception, I have to just exist inside my sphere and if someone who can hang enters, cool! We’ll probably just be hanging. I’m really off the rest for real.

Apparently he went into her room and asked to talk about things and it did not go well she basically told him to fuck off is what I was getting from that conversation. Yikes!

He had to have known all the mess was coming and had to hide from being seen for how he’s probably not going to take this very well. Omg imagine the Hail Mary. I would kill myself if I was her.

Hmmmmmmm. Again, I truly believe I won’t hear from him. I don’t expect to. If I miraculously dropped all kinds of weight and started really taking care of myself and I heard from him ONE he would get the biggest ick ever and TWO it would be over for him.

Which is why if I ever do see him again I want it to be when I’m different. Because then I think it might make it a little easier to see it all for what it is.

And who knows what that will be or if it will even come to pass.

That’s what’s so stupid about all this chewing. It’s the same shit over and over. Like what else is there to do??

There’s so fucking much like why am I not doing that?

[32flavorsotbbg]

9.19

I would rather be watching ufc and as a matter of fact that’s what I should do and I will but before I do I must say

I think life is a game for me and that makes a lot of my perspectives what they are. I think that when I take a break from smoking I start to get a little impulsive and almost sleeper-hit sociopathic and start just playing the game for funsies to see what happens. Like a sim holy shit lol it’s like I’m going to sleep

The way that sounds batshit. It gives schizo lol but like not in a crazy edgelord way lol I legit just think there’s a part of me that’s misfiring and that’s satisfied by seeing what will happen if I __________.

….. manipulate a man to be hopelessly devoted to me.

…… literally anything i’ve done and gone back to look at later and been like WOOF BABE wtf were you doing 💁🏻‍♀️

My whole life is kind of that weird game of “how do I be what you like?”

That’s kind of sad lmao

Because the answer now is I really don’t give a fuck(+) but I need my nervous system to catch up. I think meditation might help this.

Anyway. These little things dude… these little things.

Apparently Raymond was gonna go to Jake’s shop and talk about things and allegedly he said he’s been “coming to terms with things” so god only knows what that means

It’s very much a mystery to me. But that’s okay because I need time too. Especially now lol just in general

I’m not holding my breath by any means.

OH YEAH this morning I thought I want a sign. If Raymond is coming back (or if love is coming in?), I’ll see 723 today. But I can’t be looking for it! I have to see it naturally.

And I checked the time earlier purely to know what time it was, and it was 723. And I literally laughed because I wasn’t expecting it or even looking for it. The confirmation not of anyone entering my life but of asking for the sign and receiving it. I think this is the push into getting closer to myself and honoring the things I want to do. Seeing hermit mode in Virgo season pffftttt

It’s too fitting. It’s this time of year for sure. The culling! Love that yeeeesss such yummy energy. Purging.

I’m fine. Aggressively so