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hahahahha i feel like im falling apart at the seams i feel like im cursed. or i am a curse. im shaking out of my skin and losing my mind and half my friends abandoned me and the other half are all going through their own personal tragedies and I can't be a *burden* but i feel like im choking on everything I can't say. i should be asleep but during the day im too busy being exhausted to process my emotions so night times are for panic attacks and breakdowns i guess. why does it have to be the worst two months of the year when will december be over when will i get a break.

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Emily Dickinson, from a letter to Louise & Francis Norcross c. October 1871

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S.ofF.LiNE - Court metrage

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Slowdive, Just For A Day, 1991

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Magdaléna Platzová, tr. by Alex Zucker, from “The Attempt,” publ. c. 2016

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Taylor Swift - Death By a Thousand Cuts

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i undiagnosed myself with every single mental disorder. i’m chilling now

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AAAAAAAAAA!!!!

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i feel the crackling and burning of the embers

 insta 

(C.B)(2.19.19)

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Velimir Khlebnikov, from Collected Poems & Selected Writings; “To You All,” 

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im not trying to attack you

im trying to explain why i feel the way i do

im trying to explain why i react the way i do

i get frustrated and i dont explain myaelf well and i know im bad but im trying

i talk about this in therapy. i talk about how to communicate because i know im bad at it and i need to be better.

but im not attacking you! im talking aboht how i feel and you feeling like it's an attack and getting defensive just hurts me

i feel like i cant talk to you because you focus on the wrong thing. sometimes you focus on the wrong part of a sentence but sometimes you focus on something wrong that i said and even when i try to explain what i meant to say you won't let go of what i said and how you perceive i attacked you.

im not accusing you of being bad.

tonight i wasn't mad because you suggested shoes. and i was trying to explain but you wouldn't let me and i was getting frustrated and i walked away and i tried to go calm down and i tried to talk to emerey about what i WAS trying to say and you weren't letting me and you (im guessing) heard me talking in an upset tone to him upstairs and you took this to mean i was mad at you for suggesting shoes and you tookk this to mean i was attacking you for trying to help and you wont listen when i say no thats not it because you're too caught up in feeling attacked to listen to me

i was trying to tell you that “mundane” didn't mean “petty, dumb, unnecessary” it meant “a normal, understandable suggestion regarding a small concrete detail that people can relate to” but you wouldn't let me speak.

i was trying to tell you that it feels condescending to be praised for something so unpleasant or painful or something i dont want to think about even when im doing it and don't want attention drawn to. it hurts me that these are things i struggle with that normal people can just do and it doesnt make me feel good to be praised about something that's just taken as a given for healthy, normal people. i was trying to explain how it's difficult to talk about my experiences because people focus on small “mundane” details, small relatable details, and offer small relatable solutions, because they can't put themselves in my shoes, its a lot and its not something tha

nevermind. i dont know why im typing this. i cant get out what i want to say, its all a iumbled mess in my head. i wont give this to you. i wont tell you. im tired. im sorry im so tired and i dont have the energy to try to be understood. im sorry im hurting you by miscommunicating im sorry im hurting you by being hurt by you. im sorry i cant be normal and think normal and just react how you want me to and say what you want to hear i dont know how. im sorry mom

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👁👁👁👁👁