3652k17

[3652k17]

5/7/2025

I was lucky today. I’ve been having a down week, with a lot of decisions and pressures floating around in my head. My anxiety has been pretty bad and I’m ready far too much into everything. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been “off.” I’ve been low.

But, instead of hiding away today, like I have been doing the last few days, I told my friends about it. Their responses bring genuine tears to my eyes. SF texted me constantly to help me feel better about my decision to stay at Freedom and not go to Indy. Hagn walked around all of 3rd block with me today to help me when I was starting to get very anxious. Laura constantly asked “hey are you ok? Hey can I help with something?” Even eeyore Winters and I had a very, very good conversation after school. In fact, that conversation was something I needed more than I care to admit. I have always struggled when my routine is off. It’s why Covid hit me so badly, well one of the reasons. I felt like this week, my routine was off and it left me in free fall. 8th block study hall felt weird and I felt as though I was a hinderance and annoyance to my colleagues. I felt like people didn’t want me to stay and that I was doing something wrong.

Today helped change that. The kids called me Jess Day. I laughed hard in the morning with everyone around the conference table. I was in the SSGS picture today instead of taking it. I felt closer to Hagn and SF, I had fun teasing kids at an after school review session; I felt more restored about Kevin and I’s friendship.

I’m going to try my best not to have this one end like Weeks or Gibson or Dereyk or any of those other ones. I don’t want to sigh and refer to Kevin as “someone I used to know.” That might be why the anxiety has been bad. I’m terrified I’m going to mess it up. And I just don’t think I’ll survive that again.

I end today so lucky.

[3652k17]

April 8th

American Studies is allowed to continue next year! The relief I feel to know that the class hasn’t become extinct is amazing. If you had told me 7 years ago that I’d be teaching a history and English AP class with another teacher I don’t think I would have believed you. So much has changed and not enough at the same time. Still. Today was a good day. Carpooling with Kevin, getting to hear that American Studies can happen, and only two days left until spring break.

Sometimes when I spend time with Kevin it fills the hole left by Ben. Sometimes when I spend time with Kevin it makes the hole bigger.

[3652k17]

Today he said, “Do you want to make this a homework assignment,” and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I said “sure.” As I walked down the 500 hallway, I could feel the pressure building. I knew that I was walking into the past. I’m a bad person. Please believe me.

[3652k17]

January 7th 2023

Today was a busy day, where I feel like I didn’t get anything done and the day exhausted me. Mum and I took the dogs for a nice long walk on the trail and then I went and got my tires rotated and balanced at Costco. This took 2 and a bit hours so mum I filled our time as best we could.

Tomorrow I need to:

1. Watch church

2. Go to OTF

3. Figure out if I’m meeting Rishi

4. Do something with my hair

5. Finish block 4 opposing viewpoints

6. Clean the house and steam mop the kitchen

7. Put away inside Xmas decorations and Xmas tree

8. Take Murphy on a walk

[3652k17]

January 6th

Weird day. Started the morning texting Ben like it was 2020. He initiated the night before and when I saw it at midnight, I thought I was dreaming something so mundane (though pretty standard for my dreams).

I learned all about Chris Week’s odd family life and we had a good time swapping horrible, old pictures of ourselves. Maddys right though, he does talk a lot about himself.

Other than that, I went back to OTF today since winter break and just about died. I was glad I went though. Zac and I then amused ourselves watching 90’s rewind videos and bathing ourselves in nostalgia.

Oh and I got a UV sanitiser for my phone and I’m so glad I found that lightning deal!

[3652k17]

January 3rd 2023

Long day back at school, but luckily it got easier as the day went by. In the morning I covered for Rebecca and tried to get back ok track by advisory. I’m not sure I was entirely successful but by 4th block I had time to look at emails and fill out all the forms that had built up.

I wanted to go to OTF, but it was a long day and I wanted to get everything back on track at home. It was nice that Zac’s parents came to visit, but he still hadn’t cleaned up most of the things that I would have usually gotten done on a weekend. He is helping by taking Murphy to daycare tomorrow as I have the dr.’s.

[3652k17]

January 2nd 2023

Another slow day and still not feeling 100%. Tomorrow, we’re back at school and winter break is officially at its end. We’ve been so blessed with such a long break this year, but another few days would have been perfect. As such, I’m back hunting the weather maps for snow.

I realised I didn’t get a chance to list my New Year’s resolutions:

1. Finish out the school year strong and drop one thing from my plate in the fall.

2. Attend in person church at least one Sunday a month

3. Get a new car that’s electric

4. Put 5k away in savings

5. Be in a stronger relationship

6. Spend time with friends, doing something social at least once a month

7. Get braces and straighten teeth

8. Go OTF 7 times a month

9. Get my cartilage pierced

10. Post a 1 second a day picture/video everyday

[3652k17]

January 1st 2023

Slow day. Hungover from rum and champagne but luckily zacs parents are a lot more relaxed than mine. I have watched far too much football and still have done nothing for school. Hate that this is the last day before the end of break.

I’ve been having more anxiety lately and I wonder if it’s to do with the state of my relationship with Zac. It’s a new year, but I still like when I see the name “Gibson” on my phone and talking to Chris about his problems.

I’m pretty sure I’m the problem.

[3652k17]

Today I found out the guy who I’ve been crushing on for the past five years, isn’t interested in me even if he’s available. So that sucks. One of these days I won’t strike out…right?

[3652k17]

Video Transcription from user @/lelegenevieve on TikTok: “If you’ve been supporting the Black Lives Matter movement or are looking for ways to support, please stop scrolling and signal boost this video. I’ve been coding—pretty tirelessly—everyday for my website pb-resources.com. It’s an education tool and resource I’ve been using to compile information to fight police brutality and white supremacy. There are calls to action, educational tools, and different places to donate. Today I added this section that allows you to input your information and send automated emails; and everything is filled out for you. It was also really important that for me to adds way to support the Black trans community. And in a few days, the website will be generating ad revenue and 100% of the proceeds will be donated; so all you have to do is visit the site to support BLM. Lastly, I’ve been asking you guys to follow me on Instagram (@/alexisdenisew) so I can hit 10k and get the swipe up update and I’m almost there. So if you haven’t already, go follow.”

If anyone with experience with audio transcription formatting would like to repost this with a better transcript, please do, my experience is limited.

As of today, June 16th, 2020, Alexis is at 11K followers on Instagram and has the swipe up feature, but please continue to share this website!

[3652k17]

me at school: “when I get home, im catching up on all my work and finishing assignments" 

 me as soon as I get home:

[3652k17]

you don’t need a neck to have fun

[3652k17]

GHOST CASTLE

[3652k17]

I was walking through the toy aisle at Target when I found this thing and had a VIOLENT AND IMMEDIATE FLASHBACK to when JP first came out and they had a bunch of REALLY COOL T Rex toys that I would have sold one of my scrawny small-child limbs for but my mother wouldn’t get me one because they were “too violent and also ate people” :(

[3652k17]

October 18th 2021

Finally went for a run today. It was tough, but not as tough as it could have been. Hopefully this is a legitimate step in the right direction.

[3652k17]

October 18th 2020

It was a crisp 45 degrees outside. The stars were out in their numbers, but the light pollution forced them to become faint pinpricks cascading above us. We sat around that little fire pit and laughed and drank and laughed some more. Things have been topsy turvy lately. Well, they have been for everyone. In fact, it seems like October brings out these uneasy feelings. It was a different vibe. I didn’t feel the same kinship that I had with Becca and Ian, but it was still nice. Sarah and Ryan had driven all the way out to my parents house of all places, to sit around a fire with Maddy and I. Still it was nice. 

Maybe it’s because things have been so abnormal lately, but I’ve been living for the more scheduled things in my life. I like that I got to Pizza Wednesdays, that I see Maddy on the weekends, that I play tennis with Sarah, and that Gibson and I spend planning periods together. I like going into school and do my routine there. I like picking up my morning Starbucks and worrying about being late for my first digital class. I like the new things that have become a part of my life. But, what I worry about is what happens when those things change. I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle it. We’re all so fragile right now and I don’t know if I can suffer another break. 

So instead, let’s just spend weekend evenings gathered around a fire, drinking apple cider, and laughing about nonsensical fire related songs. Let’s just keep the routine for as long as we can. 

[3652k17]

July 20th 2020

I’m at APSI and it’s funny how I resort back to my quiet self even in an online meeting space. I’m such a hesitant student amongst my peers. How is that still happening to me after 4 years of teaching and nearly 20 years of education? I’ve made a new resolve (and it’s geeky af but bear with me), although my instinct is to be Aaron Burr, to simply Wait for It, sitting back and smiling more, I need to embrace my inner Hamilton, I need to risk it all and take my shot. Sure the stakes are so very low, I’m not moving mountains here, but if quarantine has shown us anything, it’s the small day-to-day interactions that carry the most weight in life, they’re what lead to the larger moments.