365days-of-thoughts

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 15, 2021

Today I went to NYU Langone to get the medical clearance. Would’ve been a lot quicker of the first nurse had checked me in correctly. Afterwards I went over to Justin’s and he cooked a ramen for me and then we napped together. We are having a strange relationship lately. It half feels normal and half feels like we’re friends with benefits lolol. Today he apologized to me and it felt more sincere. He looked me in the eyes and apologized for everything. He’s hoping to be more truthful with me and that one day he can go to therapy and it’ll help him to move past this. I’m still lost on really what to do. I want him back and at the same time I wonder if it’s better to just move on. I have so many doubts. I don’t know if any of these doubts will ever be cleared. We have a lot to work through if we so decide to. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 14, 2021

I’ve been feeling anxious. Like there’s a weight on my heart that I can’t seem to get rid of. Is this because of my decision? Is it because I still want to get back with him? Or is it because I know I shouldn’t but I still want to? I’ve been spending time with him. We’ve been having a physical relationship still.... only because I go over and seduce him. I just want to feel like he still wants me and this is the only way I know how. I know it’s terrible... it’s scratching his itch. It’s not fixing any of the problems. But I can’t help it. I want him to hold me in his arms again and tell me he wants me and loves me. Even though I know he’s probably only saying those things because of what I’m giving him. Is this truly what I want? I think on some level I want this because I want to end things on my terms... when my heart is truly done. I also think that I don’t want to regret anything in the future... no more what ifs. And if getting back together and either making this work or ending explosively is what it takes... then maybe that’s what I need. 

On a side note, I tried looking for therapy online. Shit’s expensive.... 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 11, 2021

Today Justin brought me Pocky. HE REMEMBERED!!!! I just - this gives me hope. I don’t know if this hope is a good thing or a bad thing. I just really want him back. I don’t know if this is an emotional decision (it probably is) but that’s how I feel right now. Who knows, maybe my thoughts will change later but it’s also possible that they won’t change later. 

He then told me his thoughts had changed back to not wanting to try again. He didn’t think it was fair to me and he didn’t think he deserved another chance. I get this but I don’t know why I want him back so bad. Why I want to try again so bad. Is it really just self blaming, like if I did this or this then everything will change and everything will be perfect again? Yeah maybe that’s a part of it. What if nothing changes? I do think that giving in to the urges is just a bandaid to the problem and sooner or later we will have to find a better way. I wonder if we can work through this together... I think that if he were willing, I’d be willing. But it seems like he may not be... so I don’t know. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 10, 2021

Today was interesting. Worked with another pharmacist on site so I didn’t have much to do. Justin surprised me by giving me his location today. I didn’t even ask for it and it really touched me. It just showed that he really wanted to move forward. He even went ahead and renewed it when it ended too early. 

I talked to Smith today about what he thought and he brought up some good points. He wondered why you had this whole period of self loathing and isolation from this incident but not from the first incident. It’s definitely something I’ll have to talk to you about. He also brought up that you’ll definitely have to prove yourself way more this time around. And I hope that this new decision of yours doesn’t just swipe everything under the rug and we go back to our habits. I think we need time to get back to that level of trust... 

Smith also thought I should have a list of demands LOL mm I don’t know how I feel about this right now but I would want my list of demands to be fair... 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 9, 2021

Does he really love me from the bottom of his heart?

We should have monthly check ins with each other to make sure we’re doing well.

I hope this week goes well and we have lots of thoughts…

I’m a little annoyed that he didn’t even ask how I was after the shots... but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing I don’t know.... I would like to think he would’ve asked if he noticed that I wasn’t feeling well but I was feeling completely fine so... I guess it’s just the thought that counts sigh. 

He did talk to me today about random things. And he did offer me Doritos.

I was also a little annoyed that he could laugh with Tini and everybody and make jokes right now... but I guess that’s normal to try and forget about the bad stuff for a little while. 

Am I making it too easy for him? 

I just really love this guy. Like I don’t even know why. He just makes my heart race and makes me want him. 

I hope when he says he’s going to be brutally honest, he doesn’t mean that he’s going to be mean... 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 8, 2021

I GOT THE JOB. I’ll be working at NYU Langone starting November 29th! Excited and scared for this new opportunity. It was just perfect timing to leave Bakers.  In other news, Justin is willing to try again! This is huge news. He wants me to take a week and we don’t talk to each other and really think this through. I think this is a good idea. I’ll come up with questions for him.

Would he be willing to let me see his bank statement maybe once a month for a while, possibly up to 2 years so that I can regain my trust? 

If he’s looking for blowjobs more often, would he be ok with purchasing toys so he can please me without having to do so much work? 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 7, 2021

I can’t live life without you baby. I really can’t. Everything hurts right now and I wish I didn’t make that decision a week ago. I do think it was what we needed though. You took my second chance and you lied to me again. And now I can only have faith that you can grow, become a better person and come back to me with full honesty, and open, loving arms. 

Yesterday was and forever will be one of the best days of my life. We went to the harry potter store and I finally had Tsurutontan. And then we went back to your place and sigh. Maybe it was a bad idea but I don’t regret it. I just wanted to fully feel your love again. And I can only hope that you felt mine. 

Justin Lee, no matter what happens, you will forever be in my heart. I can only guess what the future holds and I hope it has some great things in store for us. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 6, 2021

I wonder how today will go. How ironic that today marks 9 months since the day I found out. Time has flown by. We were just starting to look up. I thought I could trust him again. Only to find more lies. I hope that one day he can be honest with himself and honest with me. I hope he can find the therapy he needs and I hope that one day I will be enough for him. At this point I don’t think I care if he watches porn or VR or whatever. As long as he’s not going out and getting blowjobs from massage workers and buying nudes from onlyfans girls.... sigh. Men are just dogs huh. 

We had a nice long talk after work yesterday and I hope I conveyed my feelings well. He said it was a good talk. He told me that what Tiff said about STDs made him realize his short thinking. And that made him sad. I hope these revelations are what changes us. Everything happens for a reason right? Maybe I can still have faith in what is to come. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 5, 2021

Justin I don’t know what to do. I want you back so bad but our relationship is so ill fated right now. I don’t know why I can’t let go of you after all you’ve done but it’s like I still want to take care of you. You tell me that everything I’m doing is just pushing you away and pushing the guilt in deeper so I don’t know what to do. I don’t want us to drift and I’m scared that if we do, you’ll be on this downward spiral and what if you go out and have sex with all these girls and sigh. I can’t control what you do but I don’t know if I’ll still want you back if you go and do those things. I guess I’ll just have to talk it out with you and see… I really hope that you get the help that you need and you mature and grow and come back to me. I don’t know if the world will be so kind to do that for me but we shall see…

The next few months are going to be hard…

Maybe my expectations for you were too high.

Maybe I pushed you away with my visions of perfection.

Maybe we got together too soon.

Maybe our low self esteems got in the way.

So many things could’ve gone differently.

What if we had just talked it out that Sunday. What if I had said this was the last straw. Go get help or we’re done. Would you have gone to get help or would you have said ok then we’re done. I’ll never know and I’ll never know if this was the right decision. I hope we both grow. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that we both find each other again.

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 3, 2021

Justin bought me the pretzels... sigh. The thing that would kill me the most is if he one day finds a new girlfriend and he doesn’t feel the need to do that to her and he tries harder for her than he ever did for me. And I’ll wonder why it never worked with us. I always thought he was my soulmate... even through all the fights and the arguments and the silly little things. We got through it all. I don’t know how to recover from that. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 2, 2021

First day at work after the breakup…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. Busy day keeps my mind off things. Couple tears here and there but overall it was ok I think…

I’m part angry and part sad now. Sometimes I think about what he’s done and it just blows my mind that he can say he cares but then does things like this… I no longer feel sexy or cute or beautiful… sigh and yet a part of me still longs for him. I don’t think I could ever open up like this again. Maybe dating is over for me… I’ll just be a crazy cat/dog lady. Animals were always my calling.

[365days-of-thoughts]

November 1, 2021

And here I am again... Writing in here when I have problems on my mind. This has been an extra hard year for me... Finding out about the massage parlor in February... finding out about the onlyfans yesterday.... It just sucks. Where was the boy who would do anything for me? What happened to the boy who wanted to be my forever? How did that boy who made me so so happy come to be the one who gave me so much pain? And how is it that after all that I still want this boy in my life? How is it that I still pine for him like he deserves my heart and my tears? I know they say that time heals everything but right now I’m not sure that I want to move past this. I know I have to and I know one day I probably will... but what if my heart just waits for him? Waits for this boy to come back into my arms? He’s always been there for me and has always tried his best to make me happy and I just can’t wrap my head around everything that’s happened. Who will I play games with now? Who will I watch movies and tv shows with now? Watching them alone is too lonely. I feel so lost. We did everything together. And maybe that wasn’t a good idea because of how much pain I’m in now but it was so much fun. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

January 5, 2020

Wow. It’s been 2 years. 2 years of many many different experiences. I want to say that I’ve grown but maybe I haven’t really grown all that much. I’m still stubborn and prideful in a relationship but I think I’m way more open with Justin. Which is a good thing. I definitely tell him everything, even the things I’m afraid to tell him or afraid to ask about. I do. And sometimes he may give the wrong answer but we talk about it and I cry about it and we still come to a solution. At least in most  cases we do.... sometimes we come back and fight about it again but relationships will be that way sometimes right? Justin isn’t the perfect guy and I’m ok with that because I’m not perfect either. I think he’s very compatible with me because at the end of the day he listens and sometimes he may not be the best boyfriend but he’ll remember to look out for me. And if he doesn’t he’s working on it. And at the very least we talk about it. At least he doesn’t get angry or frustrated over me. Justin does a lot for me and I think sometimes I’ve started to take that for granted. I should remind myself that and appreciate him a little more. He’s given up certain things in his life for me and I know it can be wrong of me to want him to do that and I hope he doesn’t resent me for those things. He makes it sound so nonchalant sometimes. The things he’ll do for me. I love him for that. Today he promised he wouldn’t go to a strip club and instead would spend time with me because he knows how uncomfortable I’d be with him going. I think this year I need to work on many things about myself. This jealousy for one, and my paranoia that he’s going to leave me/cheat on me/ruin my trust. I don’t know where this paranoia came from but it’s like I need constant reassurance that he’s mine and he’s not just going to follow some random hot girl and suddenly go after her. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that he loves me and he does small things for me all the time. And I also have to remind myself that I’m worth it and I’m beautiful and I’m kind. That he’s not just dating me because I’m pretty but also because of my personality. Here’s to a great 2020 where I discover myself in this new decade. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

December 10, 2017

Nelson called today to talk. It was a lot to process. He said maybe there were a lot more red flags in our relationship than he thought. The doubts that I expressed in the beginning were definitely a red flag. Maybe I did date him out of convenience until someone better came along. Maybe I am that terrible. But I can’t say that I didn’t have feelings for him in the beginning. I can’t say that I didn’t love what we had in the beginning. It was exhilarating and it made me happy. But then yeah maybe I realized I was never proud of him and that’s why I didn’t have the thought to show him to my family or whatever. Maybe I put myself on a higher pedestal than where I should be. I think so highly of myself that I think I can do no wrong but what I did was wrong. I shouldn’t be so high. I’m a shitty person for that. Maybe I was ashamed that I was dating someone who was shorter than me or someone who wasn’t that good looking. But I think I wanted our love to grow past that but it didn’t. And maybe that’s what scared me the most. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

December 2, 2017

I should really start writing every day again. Even if it was just bland stuff that didn’t even make sense. It just compiled my thoughts so much better. I’ve always liked to write here and just put down my thoughts on paper and be able to read them. The talk with Gary today was just so unsettling. Everything he was saying were just things that I had thought about before because it’s what my dad says. Yes it’s nice for a guy to be extra thoughtful like that and I’ve seen all that in dramas and it’s just like I thought that was impossible to find in a person in real life. So for someone to say that to me as a dad it just kind of blew my mind. Walking on the outside of the curb, always opening doors for me. It’s always the small things that get to me. Nelson does none of that. And for some reason when I think about it, I feel like Nelson isn’t as thoughtful as I think him to be. I can’t for the life of me think of an instance where he really came out as thoughtful. Which shouldn’t be happening. But maybe I just have selective memory. He’s definitely been thoughtful before. I guess my problem is I don’t know how long I have to wait before we move on with our relationship. Is there anything wrong with where we are now though? I guess I just don’t want to be at the point where I wait 4 years for him to pay off his debt before we can start living together and then finding out new problems. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m being too hasty. Why do I doubt that our relationship might not work? Do I doubt my patience or is there some bigger underlying problem? Is the problem that he’s shorter than me and smaller than me? Am I that shallow that this has become such a problem? I didn’t think that this was who I am but it’s starting to feel that way and that just really sucks.

[365days-of-thoughts]

August 8th, 2017

I just wish he was more thoughtful. More considerate. What’s the point of being the bigger person if no one is there to be the bigger person for you? You are always stuck being the bigger person with no reward. What, it makes you a better person and that’s the reward? It’s a harsh world out there with no one to help you. 

[365days-of-thoughts]

July 18, 2017

It’s been years since I wrote here and I don’t know if it’s a bad habit to write here only when I have problems but I guess I have a lot on my mind. No relationship is perfect, I know that better than anyone but I just feel so unsatisfied sometimes. I can’t tell if I’m happy with this relationship. If you were to ask me, of course I say that but am I really? Am i really happy with everything that he’s given me so far? Am I just being materialistic and shallow? Or do I just want more from this relationship than I’m getting? It’s almost like a recurring problem and I’m not 100% sure I should be feeling this way. I just keep feeling like he doesn’t care all that much about me. I just feel like he doesn’t show me at all or maybe I’m just missing it. I shouldn’t be sitting here crying alone if I was happy right? But why exactly am I crying? Why do I feel this way? I can’t even explain it to myself and I just don’t understand. Do I feel like I’m settling maybe? Is it because he gave Angie a hug goodbye and took off his shoes just to do it? But when we left he didn’t bother to do anything with me? But should that bother me this much? We see each other all the time so it shouldn’t right? But it’s like I just feel like he doesn’t give me special treatment. When he’s out with other people, he can take hours to respond to me. It wasn’t just this weekend getaway, it’s every single time. I understand he’s out having fun with people and doesn’t want to be on his phone 24/7 but am I just being selfish for wanting him to think about me every once in a while, while he’s there and wanting to talk to me so he’ll still hold a conversation with me? He did call me to talk to me for like an hour but I don’t know why I still feel so lacking. Part of the problem is I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I feel is missing but for whatever reason my heart feels like something is missing right because otherwise why would I be sitting here crying? He doesn’t treat me like a princess anymore. I read our old stuff and it just feels so different. I never got a period care package after the first one. Am I asking for too much? To be treated like a princess? To be treated like I’m special? I don’t know anymore....