3shag

[3shag]

The start of a new beginning

I don’t know, Lord, if I’m reading the signs correctly. I’m pushing myself toward what I want, but then you’re redirecting me. I trust in you.

8 months of being unemployed was a roller coaster ride. What I learned these past few months:

People come and go. Getting out of your comfort zone really feels good.

Opportunities come and go. Trust the Lord for what is meant for you.

Trust in yourself. Other people will only give their comments.

Money shouldn’t pressure you. Not having enough money doesn’t define how unsuccessful and miserable I am. I’m just in the learning process.

Don’t rush things. Don’t push yourself too much. You’ll get hurt in the end. Learn how to save yourself too.

I’m too kind. Nothing to worry about. But look carefully at the people who are taking advantage of you.

People will stay if they want you to.

Giving your honest opinion will lessen the problem. Open up, even if it’s hard.

Taking a risk doesn’t always mean that there’s a good return for you. Always be ready for a bad result.

Don’t pressure yourself too much. The more you rush things, the more they can easily be broken. Take time.

This time. I’m entering a new journey in my career. Lord, I trust your plans for me. Please guide me along the way. Show me the right path.

[3shag]

I do look fine and happy.

Lord, what’s your plan for me?

I feel so down, Lord.

I’m running out of my savings.

I’m stuck with this situation.

I’m already unemployed for 7 months.

I’m not sure what I should do next.

I’m so lost. So lost.

I can’t afford my cravings.

I can’t treat my friends and my family.

I can’t buy what I need and want.

I can’t hangout with my friends anymore.

I can’t go to places where I wanted to go.

I can’t do the things I wanted to do.

I feel so depressed. I see everyone achieving their goals and starting their future. While I am here, stuck in life, I have no one who can understand my feelings right now.

Lord, please help me. What should I do?

I need blessings and good news.

I don’t want this kind of life.

[3shag]

What’s your plan for me, Lord?

I’m totally confused right now. When is the right time that I can finally say that I am ready to love again?

I can already feel the loneliness. The sadness of being alone. I had no one to cry or rant to. I long for someone with whom I can share my achievements and my worries. Someone I can hang out with and tell me everything that happened today. I need that someone, Lord.

Lead me to someone who will be helpful to my mental health. Someone will mold me into a better version of myself, who has a plan for his life, and who is mature enough to handle life—I want to be with that person with whom we can both achieve our goals in life. We will create a better future for our family.

I’ll be more patient, Lord.

Just please take me to the right person.

[3shag]

Thank you, Lord

Does too much happiness really leads to sadness?

I am having fun with my friends not knowing that there’s already happening to my father.

Can’t help but cry. My temporary happiness leads me again to my sadness. Too much thoughts and worries. It hurts me big time seeing him in pain and imagining what he went through. I know that he is just hiding all his pain, doesn’t want us to worry a lot, and doesn’t want to show his weaknesses. He really is a strong man.

Lord, thank you for letting this accident lead into a critical condition. Thank you for making my father and the bike rider both still okay. Thank you for all the people who helped him. I don’t know Lord, what to do if this will be a life and death situation.

Help my father Lord to heal all his worries, pains, and wounds. I pray for my father’s fast recovery and please keep him safe to all of his travels, Lord. I always trust in you, Lord.

03-18-23

[3shag]

I don’t function, I just exist.

Lord, what’s my purpose?

Why do I always have to feel the pressure in everything? Am I just their investment? to give them good life? to return everything they did to me?

“25 ka na pero wala ka pa masyado na-aachieve”

“Mahirap ng walang work”

It hurts a lot to hear this from your special ones. F*ck them all. Maybe, they totally don’t know me. Maybe, I am not special to them. They don’t know all the behind reasons about it. Why do they easily give comments about you when they f*cking don’t know what you are going through.

I don’t know where will I get my strength and motivation anymore. I’ve been unemployed for a month. Pretending that I am reviewing, but I am f*cking not. I can’t focus. I’m preoccupied with all my sh*t thoughts. I don’t know what I wanted to do. I don’t know how to start. I don’t know where am I heading. All they know is that I am trying my best to review. All they see is the happy face and pretty pictures where everything looks so totally fine. I am f*cking not. I have no one. No one who can understands me. No one who can relate to me. No one who can hear me out. No one to support me.

Lord, just give me a sign on how will I overcome all this. I’m here again to rely and trust in you for everything.

[3shag]

Hi Reese,

I’m about to meet you, but I don’t think there’s still a chance. I’m writing this letter to put this to an end. I’ve already tried an effort to make him feel I want him. No changes at all. Maybe, it’s time to let this go of. I don’t think I still deserved this.

~

I just want you to know how thankful I am to you.

Finals on our Correl 2 back then, I was so brokenhearted during that time. Fresh from breakup. But then, I still managed to set aside my emotions first over the stresses on my reviews. You were one of my classmates whom I can ask questions since we already know each other. I already knew that you can pass that subject in just 1 take. I’m a bit afraid on how’ll you judged me if I’m gonna fail that subject again since it’s already my 2nd take. Thank God, we both passed.

Completion of requirements on our graduating days, we both interchange information on our progress with our thesis submission. Chatting with you slowly helped me a lot to ignore my brokenness emotion that I am hiding because my priority was to graduate first. Thank God, we completed it. Graduation here we go.

While waiting for the online graduation date, we are still chatting together. We talked a lot of random things. Knowing your pets, Reese is the most spoiled one to you. You totally helped me a lot to not remember that I am broken. Online graduation came and we just received congratulatory from email only. One of the saddest graduation I ever had, while for you maybe it’s just fine since it’s your second degree and you have already experienced graduation at PICC on your first course. Online graduation done, but we still managed to talk to each other.

I’m already taking good care of my grandma, I’m still talking to you and you already met her since I sometimes sent you pictures. I’m so thankful because you were there. I am experiencing so much stress but talking to you felt just so happy. Then we stopped talking again.

My grandma passed away. You still send your condolences. We were not talking much anymore. You are now taking good care of your grandpa and sent me some pictures of him too. I am already starting my review for my Sanitary Licensure, you were too, for your Civil Engineering Licensure. I sent you good lucks for your exam. The result popped up, and messaged you again to congratulate you. I was touched of what you said, that I was the first person to tell you good luck. We chatted for few weeks and stopped again. I’m busy reviewing. Few days before my exam, you messaged me that your grandpa passed away. Was too shocked and trying my best to comfort you. The result popped up, I passed the boards as well.

Few months after I started my work, we managed to talked again. It happened that your father works in a supplies company and also one of our suppliers. I actually met him on the day we attended on their expo, it’s sad that we didn’t meet that time due to your technical exam schedule. Then, we stopped talking again. Few months after, face to face graduation is happening. We talked again. You were not able to register and it’s sad because you are about to be my seat mate because of our last names, so, yeah we didn’t meet again. Then we stopped talking again.

We started talking again. I resigned on my work and you just started from yours. This time, I am now sure that I want to try if this will work out. Honestly, you were the only person I am trying to talk to. I’m trying to give you hint that I somehow liked talking to you again. You replied for too long and took you for days. I also replied but took only for a 1-2 days. As days passes by, you invited me if we could hangout with our pets. I’m excited and nervous actually since you asked to pick me up. Our replies took us for days again and suddenly I just felt that you are now ignoring me again. So yeah, we are not seeing each other again. I feel so f*cked up this time.

~

For my last thoughts. I just hoped that you totally dumped me this time because I’m not gonna reply again. I need to learn from it, chasing the person I liked but doesn’t liked me back.

Maybe, I’m just really thankful for you for entering my life, to the fact that I am wanting you to stay. Maybe, you are not ready yet as well since you are just starting from your career. Maybe, I am not ready yet since I am not yet stable in my life. Maybe, this is just an affection since I am just feeling lonely and longing again for someone whom I can talked to.

Just to tell you that I am still glad I’ve met you. You inspired me to be a hardworking person. You are not giving up on what you want and what you love to do. You love discovering on what you can do more in order for you to improve your skills and talents. You are humble in all your achievements. I don’t think that giving up is a word for you. I hope that you can inspire more people. Maybe, you just helped me to realize those things and I am thankful for that.

But please, don’t ever reply again.

I am now letting this go.

[3shag]

As I develop genuine confidence …

Here are some ways I will act differently:

Maybe, I should try doing things that I am afraid of. I need to face it with fear. Getting out on my safest place can trigger my anxiety but overcoming it will help me gain something.

Here are some ways I will treat myself differently:

That I should not be hard on myself. That I should forgive myself. It’s fine to make mistakes. It’s normal to be judged. Its okay to be at low sometimes. Maybe, I just need to convince myself more that everything is a learning process.

Here are some ways I will behave differently in close relationships with friends and family:

Maybe, I should be more open to them. Being honest and having an equal judgement in everything.

Here are some ways I will behave differently in relationships involving work, education, sport or leisure:

By facing all the challenges and problems, I should overcome them strongly. There will be no easy path for the success road, but with prayers and dedications, I know that I can get through it.

Here are some important things I will ‘stand for’:

I will always stand for the truth. No lie can live forever. Telling the truth will always be greater than being betrayed for.

Here are some activities I will start or do more of:

Focus more on myself and the rest will just follow. Maybe I should start evolving my habits and routines to something better.

Here are some goals I will work towards:

Being mentally stable, physically healthy, and financially free.

Here are some actions I will take to improve my life:

That I should start doing action in order to achieve everything I want. Small actions are just fine because success is the sum of all small efforts.

-

Excerpt From

The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt

Russ Harris

[3shag]

03-01-23

What would you be doing if money wasn’t an issue?

If that’s the case, maybe I am already enjoying my life. I’m already having a stable life. I can provide for the needs and wants of my family. I can go anywhere and buy everything I want. I can even start my own business. I can even have my own family. What I just need to worry is to build the life I’ve ever dreamed of.

03-02-23

What do want to get better at?

I want to be a good speaker. I don’t have the self-confidence yet that’s why I can’t express clearly all my thoughts and ideas.

03-03-23

Who are you envious of? Why?

Alumnis / friends from my college school who are now working on good companies. We graduated from a good university, I finished 2 degrees. I feel like I’m being underestimated on my career now and I don’t how to start or where is the right path for me.

03-04-23

What makes you loose track of time?

Over f*ck thinking. I worry with a lot of things and I keep it on my own. Then, I just tend to distract myself by watching movies, do household chores, read books, hanging out, or sleep a lot. I don’t know what’s the right solution for it but I am trying to read helpful books, hoping I can find answers soon.

03-05-23

If you had 3 extra hours a day, what would you do with them?

Maybe, I should use it for my physical and mental improvement. For my physical, I should exercise. For my mental, maybe I should try meditate.

03-06-23

How does your perfect day look like?

Whenever I achieved or finished something or there is nothing else to worry. Something that will make your mind at peace.

03-07-23

What did you always want to do? What stops you?

To follow everything I want. To follow what I love to do. I want to take time in my career or in my review. To have savings for my future. To invest more on myself. What stops me are the responsibilities to give back in return to all the things they did to me.

[3shag]

Dear Me,

I’m glad that you’re finally free now from one of your problems. Being resigned to your first work is good decision to have peace of mind again.

Your first work absolutely helped you see yourself on the other side. How well you handled all the unforeseen challenges that brought you to trigger your anxiety. How you managed your limited time to accomplish all your pending requirements to all your projects. How your patience tested you to still be a good person who mistreated and misinterpreted you and how you treated yourself well during your lowest point of life. It maybe be a short term work experienced but at least you learned something from it.

I’m proud of you because you know when to escape if you feel troubled and see that it’s not healthy anymore for you. I hope that you can find a much greater opportunity that will shape you again, to discover more of your hidden skills, boost your self-confidence in everything that you do, and of course to find your happiness while doing what you love.

Love, Yourself

02-13-23

[3shag]

Where am I heading to?

“Not being good enough”

It’s tough being a “licensed engineer”. Fuck off to all their expectations and harsh words they say because of what they are all expecting you must be.

I can’t help other people because I can’t even help myself. I can’t teach them because I didn’t learn much.

“Money really is the problem”

They get disappointed at me because I cannot give and support enough.

I hate myself because I cannot afford what I want.

I want to change my lifestyle but I still can’t support myself.

I want to enjoy my life but I’m carrying responsibilities at home.

“Lack of self-confidence”

I just wanted a simple look maybe because I have fear in being catcalled and never want to experience again unwanted harassment.

But being simple also makes me feel a worthless girl. I can’t be simple because I don’t have good skin. I have lots of scars on my face and body, I have dry hair, I don’t have good nails, I always have pimples, I don’t know how to use make up, and I don’t have a fashion taste.

“Stuck in my comfort zone”

I’m afraid to risk and ended up with unsure things.

I don’t want my job anymore maybe because I’m afraid that the longer I stay, the more stressful it will be. I hate the management. I feel like I’m not compensated well. I don’t know if it is right to feel this way.

I wanted to learn new things but always ended with “it’s hard to start” .

I always ignore messages.

I don’t open up to anyone anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I’m slowly becoming an introvert person.

[3shag]

At the age of 24

Graduated with two (2) degrees

Licensed engineer (1/2) one down, one more to go

Started working as a junior design engineer

I am grateful for all of what I have achieved and for what I will achieve more. It really takes time and effort for me to achieve all of this success.

I don’t know but there’s something in me that makes me feel incomplete. I’m at the point in my life questioning myself for not being enough. Degrading my own life and career. Insecurities all over my head. Worrying my future. Can’t concentrate on my present situation.

In other words, my mind is totally eating me.

I also feel like I badly needed someone. I’m craving for an affection that only someone special could only give. Someone who’ll comfort me and can me feel safe in everything. Whom I can hug or cuddle with whenever I feel sad and worried. I feel lonely.

But at the same time I am enjoying the freedom of being single. Prioritizing and investing in myself. It’s more of shaping yourself into a better you. Maybe it’s time to prepare myself to be the right woman for my future right man.

Trust the struggle.

Trust the process.

[3shag]

I can finally say, “I am so proud of you, myself.”

2021 was filled with ups and downs. Heartbreaks to breakthroughs. Until now, I still can’t believe that I overcame all those problems and challenges that you gave me, Lord. I know that you’re testing me. I managed to handle them all alone, trying to be strong. I’m still thankful for everything.

2022 was a good start. It’s actually a fresh start for everything. I trust you, Lord, in whatever you’ve planned for me. I’m praying for a better year this year. New challenges, new learning. Another year for improvement. I pray for a better year.

~ RSE, January 2022. Thank you, Lord. A gift for my lola.

[3shag]

Every time I see this time, there’s still this saddest memory that keeps hunting me. I feel like I’m having this “Around 2 O’clock” trauma.

This was the time that I’ve seen my grandma’s not breathing anymore. They all keep asking me what time exactly I’d seen her with no breath since I was beside her when that incident happened. All I can say was around 2-2:30 pm, I don’t know =( I panicked. Seeing her oxygen tank everyday keeps me reminding of her. I just miss her and want to tell her how sorry I am for everything I failed to do.

Lord, I don’t know if she’s already happy with you or she still wants to live more. I don’t know, Lord. But I’m still thankful Lord because I at least had bonded with her when I stayed at Laguna for 1 or 2 months and took care of her during her weakness stage.

•How she spoiled me on my wants.

•How she ask me how to do this/that on facebook

•How she ask me to call the PLDT for the wifi problems

•How she wants the taste of the milk tea I made

•How she warned me not to use phone during eating time

•How strong she was, waking up at 6 or 7 am for her morning exercise.

•How she keeps food for me every after her breakfast.

•How I wake her up every time she snores.

•How I put efficascent oil or vicks at her back before she sleeps.

•How she secretly gave me and my sister extra money and telling “wag mo sabihin sa mama mo”.

I just realized that I missed the opportunity of having a grandmother before. That I should at least spend more vacations in Laguna every time she’s here in the Philippines.

I’m always thankful for her. I love you, nanay.

[3shag]

September 1

8/10? I’m having anxiety lately due to pressure on my reviews. I got panicked whenever I think I am not learning from what I am reading. I can’t think clearly. I only have few months left, would it be enough? I don’t know actually. I doubted myself’s ability.

What I am trying to do to somehow feel better, I pray, I chat with friends, I watch movies or series, I read an inspirational book, I eat or order milk tea, and play with my cute nephew. Knowing that all these things weren’t enough because what I am trying to do was just to forget my worries for a mean time only.

I literally still don’t know what I should be start doing to protect my mental health. So, for this month...

I should look for a way that will overcome my anxiety. I should learn to use my anxiety to be my motivation. That’s also my goal to this month, to manage well my anxiety.

September 2

One small step I’ve discovered recently for the improvement of my review was to watch lectures on youtube because I know in myself that It’s too boring to just read my notes. Also, I am trying to search or download apps that can help me fight my anxiousness while I’m preparing for my board exam.

September 3

Being impulsive on the things I wanted to do. If I think I’m not productive on my review anymore, I’ll do anything I want and just wasted my time again. I’ll let this go of because it’s useless if I push myself to review and nothing comes into my mind. So I’ll treat this as a break to myself instead.

September 4

I have more time with my family. I know someday that I’ll miss this moment, always having them by my side. We are all getting old and time flew fast. So I always cherish all each day with them. We don’t know what tomorrow brings.

I have your 24 hours/day to manage. It’s up on me how’ll I discipline myself on all the tasks to be done each day.

I feel safe. Not just on the virus spreading outside but also on all the crimes or bad things that can happen to me outside.

I have time to rediscover myself on what are the things I can still do. How am I going to shape myself to be better.

I have lots of time to rest. There’s a comfort bed for me to lie on. I can sleep and think well. When I have enough rest, I know that I can somehow take good care of my physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health.

September 5:

One skill that I think I needed to work on developing for this month was my memory skill. I’ve been having a hard time on memorizing and remembering the lectures I am studying. For me to develop this skill, I will try to experiment or discover my different types of method of my understanding the lessons

September 6:

Ate Lita:

My auntie from Laguna. She’s alone there. I’ve never done this before because I usually more on just chatting her. I wonder if she’s doing fine there.

September 7:

My ideal morning routine was to start my day with an exercise routine, take a shower, and eat breakfast. After this, I’ll start doing my review routine. For the evening, I should also do little exercise since my body is already exhausted for just sitting the whole afternoon. At around 10:00 - 12:00 I’ll do watch youtube lectures or watch series until I feel sleepy.

September 8:

I will try not to easily get distracted by my phone.

I will try to limit my hours on watching series.

I will try not spend so much time on relaxing and playing with my nephews.

September 9:

That I am already used to reading my lectures. Since I started reading a english fictional book it really helps and boosts my reading skills. I’ll practice more.

I am also enjoying writing here in tumblr. This serves as my diary notebook. Trying to practice my english skills which I think I am improving and has still more to learn.

I manage to do my household chores to my reviews. I don’t see them as hinders but as a break to relax my mind.

Me and my sister trying to run a small business. I enjoy exploring these stuff because it also helps our sister bonding to grow.

Stretching my body whenever I feel exhausted and having fatigue while reviewing. Soon I’ll do exercise.

[3shag]

August 1

This month, I am hoping to learn on how to focus on myself. I badly need to focus on my review for the upcoming board exam. Also, I’m hoping that this month would be a healing month and a fresh start for myself since I’d been really busy focusing on my family this past few months.

I pray for knowledge and wisdom.

I pray that I’ll be able to discipline myself not to easily be distracted.

I pray for a productive day everyday.

At the end of this month, It’s a new me. All these things are for my better future. So help me God 🙏🏻

August 2

Actually, I don’t know. The month of July was filled with pain. Still, looking at the positive side of this month was that I’m thankful that I’d finally received my two diplomas.

August 3

What love taught me so far was to be brave enough to let go someone you really love and just continue life. It’s been 6 months since we’d broke up, less than month since my grandma, and our dog left. I can say that I’m not that fully recovered yet because I still recall all the heartbreaking days happened. But, I can also say that I’m fine and fearless enough to go on with life.

August 4

My favorite non-work activity I did this past month was to try workout in the morning, read a fictional book in Wattpad, and chill with family like netflix and drinking beer with them.

August 5

I’d read a fictional story from Wattpad entitled “Chasing in the Wilds”. It’s a love story of a CEO and a civil engineer. This story really inspired me to work hard in achieving my goals. How I needed to focus on my review, work for my family and future, and I know someday I’ll find my living fictional character that every girl would dreamed of.

August 6

I feel normal again. Not so sad, not so happy. Just the neutral feeling. I guess the best feeling I had these past few days was to feel motivated on the things I wanted to do or achieved. I feel so bad when I got nothing to do. It’s like everyday should be an improvement day. I guess, I’m already tired of doing nonsense. Maybe, Its time to focus more on myself.

August 7

Actually, I did nothing on this day since I am having a body pain. But, one thing that brought me a sense of joy was that I have this body pain because I really miss playing badminton and that made me happy that I played again despite of this pandemic.

August 8

The best memories I had when I was a child was that I am able to play outside the house with my childhood buddies. No gadgets, just the usual traditional 90’s games.

August 9

The biggest lesson I’ve learned so far from this week is that time is unstoppable, so, why waste time to nothing. Everyday should be a learning process day. Trying to have productive day and rest if I have to.

August 10

I can be present to someone if I am to hear or listen to all their rants/problems in life. I may not be present physically, but virtually I am trying my best to make them feel better.

August 11

I really don’t know actually. But, I think the plot twist happen in my life right now maybe the days I felt so broke. So lately, I am trying to be resourceful on the things that aren’t not going to be used but has value, so, I tried to sell it online. It’s just a temporary income, so, I probably need to save too and discipline myself. But I’m glad I am not that so broke anymore.

August 12

My past self was too busy on school. Less time on my family and close friends. I can tell now that I’m proud of myself because all those sacrifices I did before when I was on college we’re all worth it.

August 13

The grace I am receiving lately I think my extra income in shopee. At least this time I can now save money for my basic needs and be wise on spending for my wants.

August 14

That everything happening right now is just at the right time.

August 15

Lately, me and my sister have planned to have this “beaded accessories” business. So yeah, I enjoyed doing it and makes me forget my worries temporarily.

August 16

Calming and Relaxing. It made me feel like I’m not worrying anything.

August 17

I pushed myself so much today. I haven’t applied to rest for a while. Maybe because I didn’t prioritize all my task this day so I clutched up everything.

August 18

The moment that they pressured me on my review. I am already pressured by myself and the moment they pushes me even more, it’s totally suffocating. The only courageous words that I am holding onto is that everything happening in my life are just at the perfect time. Mistakes and delays are meant to happen. All these problems are preparing me for something good.

August 19

I am still breathing

I have complete and happy family

We are healthy

We have food to eat

Few close friends but the realest ones

Blessed to buy wants and needs

I graduated college

My family / relatives / friends are safe

Comfortable bed to sleep and rest on

God is always with me

August 20

In today’s situation, all the public servants, front-liners especially from hospitals, volunteers, food drivers or any public transportation drivers, and others who continues their businesses just to serve the needs of others. They are the ones who’s helping and sacrificing theirselves to our community. What I have learned from them was to take good care of ourselves and showing our kindness to them because seeing them tired was really heartbreaking.

August 21

When I didn’t hesitate to ask and comfort my auntie (Ate Lita). The moment I saw her crying while fixing her things, I felt how lonely she was in her life. Everything we’re going through right now, I wanted blame the pandemic. Everyone’s suffering from mental health. Yes, it’s safe being at home but It’s also not healthy anymore being stuck in a house.

August 22

Faith in God. Everything that is happening right now, I always trust in him. No matter how slow my progress is, I know everything’s planned.

Discipline. I always feel guilty when I didn’t review or waste my day to nothing. It’s a good thing because I know that I have a responsibility to do at the end of each day. It’s an add up routine for me to discipline myself to at least review per day. Also, it helped me minimize the use of social media accounts, use of phone, or watch netflix.

Strong. I know that I am strong because I am not giving up. Lately, I am being pressured on my review. I panicked and palpitated when I am stress. I cannot think properly. I know that my anxiety starts attacking me. I pray. I pray. I pray. And after that breakdown, the next day, It feels like I’m totally okay again.

Soft-hearted. I’m glad that I am still that kind of person. I don’t have that so much pride. I know that I am still humble and the kind person you still know.

August 23

1. To put God first in anything and everything.

2. To learn how to use your emotions to think.

3. To learn how to rest and treat myself.

4. Everything is just at the right time.

5. I deserved better. Don’t settle for less.

August 24

It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. So much question on your head and a lot of insecurities on yourself. But you know what, you’re still growing. There’s so much things planned for you. Everything that you questioned about yourself, they’re all just temporary problems. Take it as a challenge for you to surpass. You still have so much things to be learned and you shouldn’t miss it. Just keep on moving forward because there’s a lot of opportunities ahead for you.

August 25

Trust is something that would take you for years to gain it and just a second of mistakes for you to ruined it. It’s one of my most important value in this world. Once I give you that trust, it means I am safe with you and I have no doubts for you. If you break it, I’ll always doubt in you and hard for you to have it back.

August 26

Yesterday. I’m not in a good mood. My body doesn’t want me to do anything. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything productive. But, its a recharged for me. Maybe, yes, I really need that rest for a while for me to think and relax my mind. Reminding myself to take good care of my mental health as well. Resting for a while is healthy, but too much chill can be unhealthy as well.

August 27

The positive changes that happened to me now would be my self-worth. It’s good to be single again. Less worries and problems. Maybe, God really planned this. He knows that I will carry much more pain when I am still in a relationship. This time, I’ll focus more on my personal problems firsts.

August 28

Recently, I am learning to plan all my tasks to do which truly a helpful for me to be more motivated to finish all my tasks. Also, I am reading an inspirational book before I start reviewing my lectures. It also helped me to be calm and inspired at the same time. It’s a slow progress yet it’s still a progress. Trying to not be so hard myself this time.

August 29

I am dreaming about acing that board exam.

I am dreaming about how my future would be.

I am dreaming about giving back to my parents.

I am dreaming about traveling to my dream places.

I am dreaming about buying all my wants.

I am dreaming about a contented life.

All I am dreaming is about my success. Success for me is something that I’ll overcome someday with all these present-day problems. It’s just all dreams but I know it’s not impossible to happen if I work hard and never give up no matter how life throws me curve.

August 30

Maybe, the new builded relationship with my sister. We are trying to start a small business which was her idea and I just support her. We don’t know how to grow and run a business, so, we have misunderstandings. But, we’re also happy on what we are doing because it’s something that you will not get bored or unproductive in a day. We both love arts, maybe someday, as we grow older, we’ll understand each other ever more.

August 31

I cannot believe that I made it. I am somehow healed on all that July heartbreaks. I can say that I’ve overcame all those previous problems because it’s all different now from all my current worries. I am now worrying about passing the board exam. This is what I wanted to happen, to be more focus on my review. I always have a productive day and I even learned to plan my duties to do at the end of each day.

~~~~~

Lord, Thank You. I know that you guided me. You helped me push myself to do better each day. There are downfalls, yes, but you never failed to be so good in me. It’s just a one month, but it truly helped me mold myself even more. I learned a lot from this month of August. I love you, Lord. Thank You for not leaving me.

[3shag]

I can’t express how stress I am or how my anxiety attacks. I’m experiencing palpitations a lot lately. My hands are too cold. I can’t sleep early.

I wanted to talk to someone to somehow release these worries but I can’t. I wanted to calm myself. I wanted to be alone. I don’t know what to do actually.

My mind is totally occupied by lots of negative thoughts.

I am worried about my board exam.

I am worried about my reviews.

I don’t know if I am doing it right. I can’t focus. Each day is counting. I shouldn’t waste my time. I don’t think that less than 5 months for my review is enough. I don’t know what to do.

Lord, help me get through with all of these things.

[3shag]

Totally blanked at the moment. I couldn’t help but cry.

I’ve lost 2 loved ones in a month

My grandmother, July 7, 2021

My dog, July 31, 2021

I’ve witnessed all their last agonies and the most heartbreaking part for me was that they both died beside and in front of me. Trying to convince myself that it all happened maybe because they’re delivering a message for me that they’ll always be with me no matter what. They’re forever by my side.

O Lord, I’m praying for their souls.

I know they’re already resting at your side.

No more pain and suffering.

At the right time,

may we all meet again.