4-25-am - Tumblr blog

[4-25-am]

my 21st year on this earth was truly something. one might say it was me living the dream-- traveling abroad, attending a hell of a lot of concerts, interactions with my faves. i could tick off so many things from my bucket list. on the surface, yes it was a successful year for me. i worked hard for it and fate made everything else happen.

but it was also a year with a lot of self doubt. doubting whether i deserve such good things in life. doubting where i stand in the lives of others. doubting whether i am a good person or a good friend or good sister and daughter. doubting whether anyone would stay for me. doubting whether this is truly it for me.

alas, most of these things i do not have control over. doubt only plagues one's mind and i have no time to dwell in the uncertainties when i can relish in the small but certain happiness that exist in my life. it's supposed to be fun turning 21 but it was a lot less tears but a lot more weariness. anyway as i turn 22 without much excitement or dread, i hope to continue to grow and enjoy this quaint life that i have crafted for myself. with lots of new things coming my way, it will be a daunting one but i've survived thus far. i will continue to survive.

[4-25-am]

guts first listen thoughts

overall thoughts: the fun tracks are very fun and the sad songs really make you rethink everything ;-; i think my favourites are making the bed and ballad of a homeschooled girl i think musically i prefer sour but guts is a nice rough sophomore album fitting of olivia's growing pains as she tries to find herself and all the mistakes that come with

1. all american bitch 

- very avril and marina-esque

- 6/10

- its very olivia for the first track to sum up the theme of the album

2. bad idea right?

- its annoying but it grew on me

- 7/10

- i love the way she says "i cannot hear my thoughts~"

3. vampire

- i love this song she makes very good ballads

- 9/10

- its also very conan-esque which makes sense bc they share producers (no one can outdo my boy conan tho hehe)

4. lacy

- interesting????

- phoebe bridgers gracie abrams is that you??????

- lacy is why she wrote jealousy, jealousy

- a much more mature version of jealousy, jealousy

- i think it'll grow on me 7/10

5. ballad of a homeschooled girl

- i love the messy bass and guitars big pop punk vibes

- this song is so me (every guy i like is gay, i dont know how to start a conversation and wanna curl up and die)

- 7/10

6. making the bed

- emotional maturity the song

- her ballads really hit!!!!! i love olivia ballads

- 8/10

7. logical

- BACK TO BACK BALLADS!!!

- honestly olivia why did you do this to yourself? why did you date the guy thats too old for you and ruined your life? could've been avoided bestie but it happens and its all for the character development

- 7/10

- 'can't take a joke, can't get you off' ??????? GIRL?????? feels illegal bc shes like a child dating a guy closing on 30

- this outro is a bit long 6/10

8. get him back!

- girl. its not worth it to get revenge on a weirdo like him.

- its a cute song i guess but as an adult woman with a developed frontal lobe dont do it olivia 😭️️️️😭️️️️

- 4/10 im sorry i could never want a man back (ironic)

- this song feels so long even tho its only 3mins 31 sec probably bc its kinda really cringe

9. love is embarrassing

- real. shes so real for this. love is so embarrassing when youre ONLY in the crushing stage

- having a crush is so embarassing i would like to crucify my past self

- i like this song 9/10

10. the grudge

- ballad~

- this one is so real

- if i listen too hard i might feel things i dont wanna feel

- unrated for now

11. pretty isnt pretty

- groovy

- kind of a skip for me

- another i dont wanna listen to closely bc i will spiral

- 7/10

12. teenage dream

- her closers are always on the melancholic side

- shes just a girl :((

- 9/10 lyricism

[4-25-am]

idk how to feel. in theory, im fine with not pursuing a degree like my peers around me. but in reality, i feel terribly lost and upset. my friends around me say i do need a break from life and should take a gap year but the constant anxiety that i’m falling behind is kinda preventing me from doing so. im not happy or sad, just kinda tired of life and burnt out as fuck. i dont have good news or bad news, everything just feels very static rn.

also smth about grit and resilience is the reason why so many young adults are burnt out. we’re taught to keep going; if you fall down, you have to get back up. but after falling and getting up and falling and getting up and just always being trapped in this cycle, at what point should we just give up? like honestly, im so tired of having to pull myself back up. i just wanna lie on the ground for a bit. my mental state is so battered and bruised, i don’t have the strength to get back up any time soon. i know i have to get back up, i want to get back up, but my legs don’t work like they used to before yk?

also the way i wrote an article about my battle with depression and was approved by my lecturer to be published by a national foundation. but when i relapse, my lecturer is suddenly surprised? bestie i am still depressed??? this depression ain’t going nowhere???? anyway end of rant im just in a weird state of nothingness rn bc everyone is moving on with their lives but im still stuck here. on my bed. doing jack shit with my life.

[4-25-am]

humans are interesting creatures. we have different backgrounds, lead different lives, have different morals and motivations, vices and virtues. so many things that divides us. but when humans come together because of a shared love for something, it intrigues me. how we can set aside all our differences for the shared passion that we have for something.

[4-25-am]

maybe the reason im so obsessed with the idea of someone loving me is because ive just never been loved before. not loved by anyone. not loved by my ownself. the idea of love is like a never ending tunnel and im just hopelessly walking through it hoping to see the light at the end.

[4-25-am]

sometimes i think about my supervisor asking me why i don’t have trust that others, specifically adults, would be able to empathise with my situation. and i tried to think about the root of this problem and it’s really just the countless times adults have disappointed me. but i guess if i have to pin the blame on a specific person, it would be the parent support group in primary school that never really supported us emotionally. in fact all they ever did was bring me down mentally even until my last performance. and the consequences last till today almost 10 years later, i still don’t have confidence when i dance, i still don’t trust adults and i still avoid seeking help bc of that lack of trust.

[4-25-am]

it feels weird. it feels like there’s a gaping hole where my heart should be. i feel like a shadow that lost its body. is this how a breakup feels like? i feel like i just lost my other half. it was all on me, it was my fault, i accepted my mistake yet nothing feels right. taylor swift was right when she wrote “did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? did the love affair maim you too?”

[4-25-am]

2018 was a stranded lifeboat. alone in the water, safe but never too sure about what dangers could be out there. shivering, cold waiting for someone to rescue. currently what i feel is im the captain of a sinking ship weighing out my options on how to save the passengers. there is no survival, only damage control. some passengers are rescued others i dont know whether i should abandon or not. myself as the captain, held legally responsible and therefore will go down with the sinking ship after everything that’s happened. the water is currently at knee level and the clock is ticking.

[4-25-am]

sometimes i get insecure about where i stand in the lives of others. the nagging fear in the back of my head that im not important sometimes gets a bit loud. sometimes i cant help that i hold everyone near and dear to me but cant tell if the feelings are mutual or not. so i forever tiptoe on the wall that i built around myself because hiding my true feelings is easier than letting myself fall. as the years pass, the words “i love you” get harder to say. on one hand i want those words to only be said genuinely but on the other hand im just so scared of what comes after that. what if i let my guard down, only for them to run away. its funny because the people i love are people who are unable to reciprocate my feelings romantically but at the same time i cant see myself with anyone other than them. feelings are complicated. the heart is a heavy burden.

[4-25-am]

sunset and moonrise

[4-25-am]

music and literature taught me that there is always a beginning, a climax, and an end. in a love story, the climax is when two characters finally get together. in a tragedy, the climax is when two characters are separated. in a song, the tempo is slowly built up to an epic bridge an explosion of emotions.

i thought finally letting out what has been bothering me for the past 3 years would feel exactly like that. exhilaration. thrill. freedom. feeling giddy and excited about finally getting over it. but in the end, it feels quiet. a bit too quiet. i don’t know what i was expecting. an upward streak of good luck? a red carpet laid out in front of me with trumpets welcoming me?

but after everything, i feel a bit disappointed. like there were no consequences to my actions. because said consequences were the reason why i had restrained myself for all those years. but reality hardly imitates art, of course it would not live up to the fantasy i created for myself. oh well. we move on.

[4-25-am]

D.P. Review

D.P. is Netflix Korea’s latest drama about Private Ahn Joon Ho (Jung Hae In)’s time in the military police, working as a D.P. (Deserter Pursuit). Essentially, his job is to track down soldiers who have deserted their enlistment with his partner Corporal Han Ho Yeol (Koo Kyo Hwan).

I really loved watching Jung Hae In play this awkward, blunt, and cold character. It’s almost reminiscent of his character in Prison Playbook (If you haven’t watched Prison Playbook what are you doing? Go watch it now it’s on Netflix too!) His character development over the six episodes is subtle. He becomes more relaxed but there is always a hint of sadness that looms over him because of his family’s history.

Koo Kyo Hwan also did an amazing job as the playful Corporal Han. I loved watching his character go from some weirdo trying to get information out of people to a serious, genuine corporal de-escalating a situation. He definitely stole the show for me with his quirky character (gonna go check out his other roles now).

The brotherhood that these two quickly formed was very heartwarming. It felt nice to see that Ahn Joon Ho had someone he could rely on. However, that is not the case for some of the characters of this show. The relentless bullying leading them into running away from the army and in some cases, suicide.

I thought D.P. was going to be akin to Move to Heaven or Prison Playbook, a human interest story with a heartwarming and character driven plot, but boy was I wrong.

This drama is not for the faint of heart. Some trigger warnings include suicide, death, bullying, domestic assault, assault, sexual assault, homophobia, forced nudity, abuse, abuse by authority and it can get very graphic.

Personally, I would give it a 4 out of 5 because I like the characters, I think that they were well written and fleshed out enough for its short screen time. The plot was also not too bad, it showed a variety of stories without being too draggy. However, it did get quite crazy towards the end.

But the visuals are what sold me. The shots are very pretty, it feels like an indie film but cut into one hour pieces. The colouring of the lighting specifically, is what caught my attention. In the army camp, the lighting at night is a deep orange almost reddish colour. It really brings out how evil the people and the place are.

But because of the dark nature of this drama I have to mark it down because some scenes got a bit hard to stomach. I think watching this one time is more than enough. It has definitely made a lasting impact on me. Although dramaticized, these issues do exist in society and it is necessary to shed light and create conversations about it.

Shoutout to Shin Seung Ho who plays the very scary Sergeant Hwang Jang Soo. The first time I watched him act was in the webdrama A-Teen, where he played a shy, gentle giant basketball player. So I was very shocked to see him play such an evil character, striking fear in all of the recruits.

[4-25-am]

suzuki cafe, singapore

[4-25-am]

the older i get, the younger the people around me are dying

its sad and it’s scary, it scares me

the thought that it could’ve been someone near and dear to me

how could i live without my best friend next to me? how could i live on as people spread lies about my dead best friend on the internet while i was there holding him as he closed his eyes for the last time?

death doesn’t discriminate and i know it

but when the world is crashing around me it seems that god has it out for me

[4-25-am]

context : this is about romantic love

your first love is not the first person you fall in love with. your first love is the person you love that you never really get over.

as cliché as it gets, my first love was the first person i introduced myself to on the first day of secondary school. our form teacher put us in random pairs and told us to introduce ourselves and shake each other’s hands. the moment our hands met, it was like our fate was sealed.

we were close all throughout secondary school. shared plenty of mutual friends, took the same subjects, classmates for all 4 years, but the killer was that we were seat partners in our last year. he was a great guy, someone i could banter with and overall a very polite person. i liked him in our first year but quickly suppressed my feelings when he started dating one of the popular girls. naturally, i was insecure and the insecurity stuck with me when i fell for him again in our last year. too afraid to say a word.

so here we are, three years after graduation, still thinking about him. they say love is all about the timing. you meet the right person at the wrong time. or for my case, you wait too long and the spark has long died. if i could go back, i would. maybe things would change. maybe he would love me too. maybe he would reject me and i move on with my life and meet new people. but you learn to live with your mistakes, moving on but your heart still the way it was three years ago.

fate is cruel in which our lives are parallel. close, but never meeting. maybe in another life time, our love will cross paths. but not in this one. and so i’ll keep loving him, because love makes you stupid.

[4-25-am]

I wanna create content not in the way of making cringe videos for corporate but in the way that the target audience is me and me only 

[4-25-am]

my psychology journal requires me to talk about personal success and achievements… how am i supposed to tell them i see everything as either a just pass or a failure bc im too harsh on myself hhhhhh ive been trying to think of how the intervention was a success but it just wasnt????