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Journal Entry #3

A letter to my ex:

I hope you are happy. Honestly and truthfully I hope you are happy and fulfilled in your relationship now. I hope that you were able to take lessons from us and bring it into your life now, like I was able to learn and take it into mine. Lessons I have learned have only strengthened the relationship I am in today. We learn and grow together, love each other wholly and equally. I used to wish you nothing but the worst but I have gotten to a point in my life where I cannot fully blame you for every bad thing in our relationship. You hurt me. Often and repeatedly. You cheated and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything better. But, I have to take some ownership in that as well. I hope that you are a better person, I hope that you have grown and you will never hurt anyone else again. I hope that you have a solid, successful, and faithful marriage with your partner. I hope that the reason that things happened the way that they did and the way our relationship was, was due to the fact that we enabled each other to continue in our bad habits. I can see how I allowed you to treat me like that, I was giving you permission to constantly step out on me by coming back and never leaving. My presence in your life through it all only made you feel like what you did was okay. Whether you were in a relationship with someone else or if it was with me. My proximity to you showed you that it was okay to treat people like this, to cheat and to lie. I blamed you for what you did to me and how you made me feel but I continuously chose to be with you, chose a love that was unequal, felt that that was what I deserved. I feel like that only showed you that everything was able to be forgiven and looked past. I used to think that I would feel better if you were ever able to admit your wrong doings, take accountability, and if I was able to actually know every time you cheated and everything you lied about. But, now I don't think I need to know. It won't change anything. We were not good together and things should never have gone on for so long. I have been healing and growing and thriving without that knowledge. We were never good for each other. We used to think that there must be some reason we always found our way back to each other. But, a lesson I wish I learned sooner was that there was a reason we were always falling apart. I no longer wish you the worst. I wish you the best, I hope you are so happy. I hope your partner is so happy. I hope she never has to feel what I felt. I hope you make her feel like the most important person in the world, I hope you choose her everyday, I hope she has no doubts about you. I hope you both grow old together and live the best life. I hope that because I know that I have found that with my person. Without you, I don't think I would have gone down the same path and ended up where I am today. And I am so incredibly grateful of where I am today.

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Journal Entry #2

Sooooo I am getting married in September of this year. I am beyond baffled about how my life has turned out. If you had told high school me that I would have met a man while working at Big Lots during college and now 5 and a half years later we are engaged, own a home, and both left our hometowns to start a life together.... well, I wouldn't believe you. I am so incredibly happy to have someone who knows me and understands me so well. He accepts me for who I am and we can truly be ourselves around each other. I feel really blessed to have a partner in this life where we genuinely just enjoy each other's company every day. I am so excited to get to marry him and I just know our wedding day will be the best day of my life. I cannot wait to celebrate with just the people closest to us. I would have loved to have kept the guest list under 75 but it looked like we are around 95, but hey still under 100. I just don't care at all to invite extended family and all these other people. Like, if I don't care if we are technically family, if I don't have your phone number or even know your birthday then why would I invite you. Weddings are already expensive enough, and trust this will be costing us a pretty penny. We are trying to accept as little help with payment as we can because we hate accepting money from people and I don't want to feel like I owe anyone anything or have to meet /their/ expectations for /my/ wedding. But, it is a nice feeling that I am done with booking the venue, all the vendors, and got my dress. Really all that's left is his suit, picking out the suits for the bridal party so they can get them when they need to, and any decorations we need to order. I also made sure I hired a day of wedding coordinator because I do not want anyone bugging me with dumb questions on the day of because I know I will be stressed and nervous enough. I know I will not be nervous about marrying him but more so nervous just about everyone looking at me. Which is a hilarious thing to say because I do indeed love being the center of attention but I am also not so great at like public speaking sort of things. But I do think it will feel better since I will know everyone there. We also already booked our honeymoon and we are going to an all inclusive resort in Jamaica and I am so excited to LITERALLY do nothing for a week. I mean all inclusive?! Come on! We got a walk out suite straight to the beach and its right next to a hot tub and a pool, and we even got a butler suite so I quite literally shouldn't have a care in the world while we are there. Just drinking and relaxing on the beach. Plus, my fiance has always loved Jamaica and Jamaican food and now I love the food as well. I hope there is a restaurant on the resort that has some really good Jamaican food, but I am sure they will. We thought about doing one of those swim up rooms but they are always just so close next to another room and it never looks like that much privacy and I am not going on my honeymoon to make friends. We are really not interested in meeting other couples and then feeling forced to hang out with them there when all we want to do is be able to relax and be alone with each other. I am just so excited for our future together. I know there will be great things in store for us, but I honestly don't care what we do or where we go as long as I have him by my side.

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Journal Entry #1

Honestly, just trying something new here. I never liked the idea of journaling even when I was younger and the idea of having a diary was kind of cool. I always felt like I censored my thoughts like someone else might read it, even though that's not what it was for. I always felt phony and like I didn't know what to say besides that something annoying happened or what I ate for school lunch. But I feel like writing my thoughts and feelings out might be sort of therapeutic in a sense. I probably need a therapist, I mean honestly everyone would benefit from a therapist, but I never felt like it was the right thing for me. I am someone who is literally the definition of an open book and tell my mom, sisters, friends, and partner everything that's happened to me, everything I have done, and all my thoughts and feelings. I have also always been the type to psycho analyze myself to the point that I feel like I am able tot understand and get to the root (or atleast as close to the root as I am able) of my problems or why I feel a certain way about things, but I am also aware that that doesn't teach me how to work through the things I am feeling, how to manage stress or anxiety. But my self awareness feels like something that wouldn't lend towards therapy. I love to talk and I just feel I wouldn't be saying anything new to a therapist. I would be paying out of the ass to tell someone stuff I already tell all the people close to me. I would talk about my problems and feelings and when they would want me to dig deeper I feel like it would be easy to point out the causes and triggers since I have already spent hours doing that on my own. I figured why not just scream into the ether and hash out all my past and current grievances? Typing it feels so much easier to me as well since I actually enjoying typing. So here I am. March 24, 2025. I know this posts says very little but I will come back to this blog when I need to vent or work through my feelings. Hopefully I can keep this up and I get something good out of it.