420stepsahead-blog

[420stepsahead-blog]

we are crying for ourselves

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. -  Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932

[420stepsahead-blog]

Do Not Go Gentle

I don’t know where to start from but here goes nothing. I have not been okay for quite some time and I have no clue for how long will it stay like this. It is suffocating me alive. It’s eating me inside out. Nothing seems to stimulate my feelings anymore. I really feel nothing anymore. It’s confusing and mind-itching. I am lost, I have no plans for the future and I just live the day for the sake of hanging onto life itself. I don’t know where to go or what I should do. I have so many questions with so little answers. It is beyond everyone at this point. It is not a humane-everyday problem everyone faces. It is not an equation you have a solution to. It is not a bug that you can write down a few lines of codes to solve and run. It is unreachable. It is untouchable. It is something hidden, within the soul, only I have the keys to; and of this I am not even sure. I am above and over the regular obstacles human beings come across. I understand and comprehend the mere issues individuals run into, in a systematized manner that the universe has arranged and put together for everyone to experience at least once in a lifetime. I am not saying I underestimate anyone’s issues but it is the least of my concerns, really. I just, have always looked up my entire life, to look for any clues. Up as in towards the stars, the skies, the planets; to feel more and to be more. I want to be and feel one with the universe. To explore more of what this enormous universe has to offer just yet. It such a complex thought. It is boundless, immeasurable, limitless, for this gigantic-cosmic world that is up there. I want to exist, I want to be one with the fabric and structure of existence itself, and not just be another human being that has lived his life studying and working to be another corpse in the dirt. I do not want to be another guest to the very-welcoming gates of Hell. I do not want to be another victim of life and its weight on us. I do not want to be like everyone else, not that I strive to be unique or better than anyone in any kind of way, but my interests and ambitions are more than enough for me to not want to settle down for any less than what I deserve.

Life itself is very exhausting. It is very tiring. The pleasures of life are not as consistent as it should be. The same pleasures are what brought us down here, starting back from Adam and Eve. Such a cinematic beginning to a never-ending torture on this ordinary and unexceptional planet. At some point in life the realization hits you, the need and urge to do more. It hits you deep, that such an intricate network of unknown information exceeds your ability to reach. For me, you know, and as strange and odd as it may seem, dreams have been the greatest relief for every obstacle I go through in life. Dreaming is something that will forever be the only thing that can make you feel like you are in control. Your consciousness is at ease, your mind is at leisure, your powers and functions are dim. It lessens the stress and fear life causes, let alone what other humans cause. Humans are indeed animals. Everyone is just waiting to bounce and shred you into pieces if what you say or do doesn’t match his religion or beliefs or whatever he’s heads first into. Full of hypocrisy and arrogance. Full of stupidity and ignorance. I just can’t handle it. The stigma, the misconceptions, the inability to explain something to others. It is as hard for me to talk about something as it is for you to find out I want help but won’t let you anywhere near me. Humans just say things that are downright ignorant and piss me off. I am tired of human interaction. I am tired of being tired.

If it was depression, and I have no idea if it is or not, would I have had this much energy to write all of this? Wouldn’t I be in bed? But how could it be, doesn’t it usually is triggered by something. Perhaps this time it just popped and I have been ignoring it all this time, perhaps this is the only explanation for this. It could be. I write because I have things to say I can’t say in real life. Things that would usually hurt people and things that people don’t have enough time to listen to. Things that are not as important for them as it is for me. I write because I need to rant. Because I have no one to talk to about all of this. No one is used to me talking anyway, I am mostly quiet, or mostly fun, you choose. I can’t talk about it even though I am the one who suffers within. I have to put up with people who tell me they worry about me or ask me if I am okay, of course I am not, but I don’t let them know that. I am the one who is tired and I don’t really care how sad or exhausted or concerned you are about me, it adds to my burden.

Everything is so dull. As if the sorrow of whole of the Holocaust episode, massacres and agonizing sufferings has been filled into my head. I cannot escape what’s within, I can distract myself, I can keep myself busy, but for how long? I need answers. I want reassurance. I want comfort. I deserve to have a normal life, even though this clearly is the exact opposite of what I mentioned before. Is this all a role-play or some sort of movie I want people to watch in the end? Is this being all some sort of screenplay that I write for someone to narrate after I die? As much as I would like to just put at end to all of this, I just do not want to die before the Grim Reaper decides it’s time to. I do not want to go away before God has given an order. Taking my own life is not what I am headed after. There has to be someone who alerts people about the sign at the end of the road. There has to be someone to sacrifices for others. There has to be some ray of sunshine at the end of the tunnel. There has to be someone who gives people hope and offers people everything he’s got. Only those who are worthy enough, of course.

Life is such an extraordinary symphony if you look at it in a perspective that allows you to understand and imagine each moment as a musical note that touches your soul. If it hasn’t at this point become a noise already. It is such a dramatic scene for you to witness. Let go of what bothers you once, and just listen deeply into what people consider food for their soul. Make a moment out of it. Create an unforgettable memory; do not let death ruin it for you, be the master of this musical piece, and even though the thoughts may haunt you at night, and only at the stroke of midnight during night, death ventures out and raises up the souls in the graveyard, which albeit are all skeletons in the form of humans, are animated and now free; they dance, party, sing, and enjoy life as it is, and fill the land with joyful darkness until morning. At the very end of this musical piece that you have put together for yourself, you can hear the piece go suddenly quiet towards the end of it as you hear a violin solo, which is the representation of death cursing and lamenting the rise of the sun, marking the end of darkness being completely free on Earth. At last you have understood it all. At last I have understood. Life isn’t about wanting to be, life is about understanding how to be. It is such a riddle, nothing appears ever so easily. 

I will not call it a day just yet, for I have more and more to write about and more days to live. 

“Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.“

[420stepsahead-blog]

a love paradox

It really bothers me. The idea that another human being can either brighten up your life or bring it down to the grounds. The idea that someone else you meet in life can change so much about you. The idea that it is an eventuality that you will be with someone that is able to make you someone else. Doesn’t it bother you as well? Doesn’t it haunt you at night? Doesn’t it make you think about it more than necessary? That someone just like you, made from the same molecules and particles, from the same universe dust, from skin upon bones like you, owns such ability to turn your world upside down? I just cannot fathom that fact, I cannot get it around my head, and yet- I have been there. We have all been there. People, most of them to be exact, change unintentionally because someone else did something to them, someone else owned the keys to their heart, someone else had the power, someone else was there- was existent alongside the journey. In an average human being life span, it usually happens once or twice, someone comes along, you trust them completely to the point where you would do anything, you lend them the permission to have you as their own, you share details of your life with them, you feel their mischievous presence, the two of you become one, the two of you connect, your souls merge and so does your hearts. It is indescribable. You have to experience it in order to comprehend the feelings, the emotions that flow within your body. .. and yet, it sometimes doesn’t work out the way it should… sometimes it just collapses upon itself… sometimes the plans you’ve made just aren’t enough, the dreams you’ve dreamt of making true are no longer in reach, the promises your lips have spit out become regrets, the touches your fingers have made onto their skin disgust you, the memories you two have made often make your heart ache… how come what once lit your heart makes it so dim so quickly? How come what once was your comfort zone is now what you avoid? It happens so quickly you can’t grasp it. You no longer have it in your hands. It is such an odd feeling, to be a stranger to someone that you thought would always be there for you- to hold you when storms arise, to be present when it turns dark and rains, to be the sunray alongside the rainbow, to exist with you. It twists the mind and twirls the thoughts inside, how could this happen, you would ask yourself. If there was something you could have done different, would you have done it? Would you have said something else or acted otherwise in a situation? Would you have taken something back, or would you just keep it as it was? I, myself, wouldn’t have changed a thing. I mean, of course there are certain moments where I wish I haven’t done something I have, but everything I have done brought me where I am now. I have changed, for worse or better is something I can’t quite decide just yet. Do not regret something that already happened, you have no idea if it had happened differently if it could have been any better. For there are many opportunities to redeem your actions if needed. I know it is hard for anyone to handle, it really is. I don’t want to go through it all again. I have come a long way, I admit that. I have made a recognizable progress, and I intend to keep it, and to progress even more in this journey of heartbreak and self-acceptance.

[420stepsahead-blog]

Oh, darling.

If you would see me now. A stray lover burning gradually to ashes. A ray of sunshine that will eventually go out at the strikes of midnight. A mediocre star in the vase void of galaxies, whose final destination is death.

Oh darling,

love me endlessly, I allow. I hand you over my delicate heart for you to hold. I hand you over it with caution, for it knows it will never turn cold. Please take care of it as if it was your child, or one of your unfinished books. Please take care of me, my love for you is wild. Please do not let go of this, I beg you to stay, for I hope that our forever is never a mile away.

Oh darling,

how it ended so fast. How it all faded away like it was never going to last. How it turned from a dream to nightmare I hope I wake up from, but you weren’t there when I hoped I would wake up and find you near me, helping me calm. How come it all faded away in a blink of an eye, my darling I looked for you in everyone I greet, I looked for you in the sky, hoping that you have turned into a star that will always look after me, hoping that it could all find its way back and flee.

Oh darling,

will you ever come back? Or will I forever be like this, inside of this monstrous hole where it is all black. I pray the Gods for you to be okay, for I never want sorrow to come across your way, nor for the slightest haze of sadness to stick by. Oh darling, in the deepest abysses of solitude, creeping inside your room once more, I assure you have touched me beneath my rotting core. Beneath the sway of your gentle wings, you have taken me as I am, for us to be one, to create an abiding relationship, for others to praise, turned out it was only just a maze. How I hoped it to be all glitters and joy, how I begged it to be, how I.

Oh darling,

for how long will I dwell and weep? For how long will I grieve over our love? Oh darling, will it ever end, I ask myself. Will it ever stop, will ever my heart mend. I hope you are okay; you were all I had. Oh darling, hoping to see a glimpse of hope just to follow, “do you love me like I love you?”, “will you fill the hole that made me so hollow”? said I, Oh skies stay blue while my feelings hover beneath you, Oh darling, please don’t go, my time with you feels like no more, Oh darling, how my heart aches whenever I remember our times, whenever I recall how it all aligned, whenever I crave a touch from you, whenever I remember that… what once I believed in felt so true.

Oh darling,

there’s no future left for you and me, life is moving so quickly can’t you see, you’ve promised not to change, so did they, Oh darling, why it ended that way? My words are no longer in use, there’s nothing much left to say.

[420stepsahead-blog]

One of Many

Back in 2017, I met this girl named Huda, she was a well crafted, well made human being that God sent from above in which she defined the meaning of beauty. You know, Huda means guidance in Arabic, and funny enough, this person has actually guided me through the various obstacles I have faced in my life, she has guided me to dig deep inside of my core that has been rotting for months and lit a torch inside of me. I met Huda back in 2017, and instantly fell in love with how she interacts, how she talks and how she- well, operates. We were young back then, and I was still full of all of these emotions and feelings that are yet to be let free and roam to whoever catches. We were young, and by young I mean we were still yearning for the chances life still had to offer, for the opportunities we were about to indulge in, for the ups and downs we were about to get involved in, for the entire wild youth experience. She had fallen out of a previous relationship which somehow still affected her at the time, and well I, I wasn’t really committed to anything, nor have I ever. I wasn’t very keen on staying in a serious relationship for longer than a couple of months, call it whatever you want, but I knew nothing lasts and this era of young love is soon to be expired once I grow up. Huda was different, she was very understanding and very true to her feelings, and to her instincts. She wasn’t like any other girl I met at the time, she was this walking volcano that is soon set to erupt and undoubtedly erasing those who stand tall. She was this very complex human, not to lie but I wasn’t that comfortable around her at first, and comfortable as in- fully ready, or entirely sure. Yes, my heart bumped and those small signs of love showed up, but I hadn’t really paid it any attention, because I just met the girl. Moving on, we both confessed our love to each other. Back at the time I was this dam that had all of the affection and love waiting on the other side, and once I have earned her love, it all went loose. I loved her more than I loved myself, and yes, I wasn’t that secure about myself at the time, so finding her was like finding slice of pizza waiting for you at the end of a very tiring day, there are better examples, but she likes pizza, so yeah. As I mentioned before, the toxicity her last boyfriend injected beneath her skin left many scars, and she was yet to recover. Being the naive person I was, I tried to fill her up with love that I had offered like never before, and to lend the hand of true help, to go through whatever she had to go through, but together. Cutting to the chase, it didn’t last long, and we broke up. Although expected but never occurred to me that she would still have feelings for whoever she was with, but it happened nonetheless. Days upon days and months upon months pass by without hearing a word from her and suddenly we go back to talking, just casually talking. Every feeling I had for her had died. Not a drip of emotion was alive. Well, actually, all of my feelings towards anything were dead and buried beneath seven levels of dirt. The time period we stopped talking I had gotten myself into another relationship, after so long. It lasted for a year, and ended, my heart was shattered into millions of pieces and stepped on. It was brutally assaulted like it was some sort of a criminal. My heart and whatever was left of it was broken, and was unable to function, it was unable to process any feelings or emotions but sadness and grief. To dwell and weep over what happened were my daily tasks. I had given up on everything and everyone. I felt humiliated because for the second time in two years I had given it all and it wasn’t enough. I had offered everything there was to offer. I have lost myself in the journey of finding others and I am yet to find myself again. I have been stuck in this boulevard of emptiness for too long. Months ahead, me and Huda reunite and she falls back in love with me, the same way I did the first time. I wasn’t really on my best behavior at the time, and even though I had loved her again, but it wasn’t like the first time. Overcoming my fear of commitment and the fact that I will be dating the same girl for the second time, I just went along with it, hoping that my feelings would somehow stay intact. Months go by and everything flows around smoothly, but my inner soul wasn’t fully comfortable. I had changed and so did my ethics, I have grown mentally and emotionally and I realized that I needed more time alone to be okay again, and the poor girl did not know any of it until I talked to her through it, letting her know that I am not that ready yet. I felt like a burden the whole time. She was great, she was magnificent, she was the girlfriend anyone would wish for. She’s like a fine shot of Scottish whiskey. She would seduce you so you would take your first sip, your taste buds tingle as you swallow and then you realize it’s not so bad, and you only want more, and more. I honestly never wanted to quit it, but it was just getting out of my hands. Breaking up with her, left me feeling guilty, as if I had murdered someone innocent, as if I had committed the worst crime ever. I never broke someone’s heart that way I did to hers, or at least I like to think so. I left her broken, I let her down and destroyed the image she had of me in her mind, and that alone made me hurt even more, that I have caused her this pain. Seeing her cry or sad because of something I did, wasn’t the greatest feeling ever. But I knew I had to postpone what I had to truly say later on, just so she could get better. Huda has helped me with many things, and she has let go of many just to be with me, and all of what she did was for the sake of love, and true love only. Huda loves me with all of her beating heart, and I know so, because you can see it in her eyes, you can notice it in how she acts around me. Huda taught me that a person can change for the better, and that the past is where it belongs, and where it will always remain, because it’s called the past, you cannot keep yourself attached to something that you’re unsure of its integrity. Huda made me realize that love isn’t necessarily a first sight love, that love can gradually be bigger, and be even more real than before. Huda taught me that actions speak louder than words, that if you love someone you have to show it, you have to do effort, you have to love. Huda opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot just hang my problems aside, and face them, she spoke of how I had to overcome my fears. Huda took good care of me, and that alone made me take care of myself even more. I may not be the best person out there, and I may not have been the best, but I try to be. I try to be a better version of myself each and every day, for I still have lots of time to grow. I still have a lot to do. I tend to run away from my problems, or consider them solved as I see fit, but it doesn’t always work that way. Huda’s love towards me has made me love myself, and love the way love really is. How love is really the greatest feeling to exist, and with love you can achieve more, just because someone out there loves you, and cares about you. That alone my friends, makes you want to live, makes you want to love. This is a thank you letter for Huda, for making me believe in love again, after having my heart broken. Thank you for being there for me, and believing in me. Thank you for being who you are, and showing me how to be myself.