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Not reading, watching 5 mediocre movies for every good movie, love island addicted, ran out of expensive shampoo conditioner, scared to check credit card debt, pete and I denied for apartment, filled with weight that won’t shed, weak arms, worse time management, jet lag, mad at the cat, parking tickets, procrastinating, Adderall running out, can’t figure out how to style hair, not keeping up with family, stripclubs, not taking photos, being flaky, comparing again, plants dying, body dysmorphia

visit to Seoul, fruitful connections made, matcha from Jeju island, new skincare routine actually working, thoughtful old friends who love me, miss boyfriend, getting over fear of city biking, getting better at biking, trip to Canada soon, swimming in Great Lakes, moving in with pete, Taiwanese beauty tea, flattering ish bathing suit, path to health restarting, new bag, less drinking, excited about all the movies I get to watch, Pete’s health journey, desktop

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I am reclaiming the concept of having a desk. More to come

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🙂‍↕️

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pot of tea at the Greek diner in Hyde Park, while listening to Miranda July audiobook

Valentine’s Day roses from my love

beautiful life <3

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watching Waitress today 😢

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honestly I love the Luddite teens and that there’s an update on them

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Untitled Poem

Spring 2024

The sprawling lawn is an awaiting stage

for a rambunctious child’s feet–

one who has not yet grasped redundancy,

as the concept is thoughtfully shaded

by lindens in the spring.

His neighbors share a homogenous desire–

never be witness to the pains you cannot change.

Instead they ornament his life handsomely

with colored stones, summer sheets,

and visits to far too early graves.

It is a superiority he is taught not to flaunt

but to always keep in mind–

convinced the cooing of the mourning dove

sounds more heavenly here–

and for this, he might be right.

Yet I enter, untethered

to the bond he holds so dear;

and I yearn for the days

only he got to experience.

It's an unemergency, but o’ great plain,

though I know of greater witnesses than me,

show me it is true:

the earth has music for those who listen.

My troubled disposition wants to perceive

all that I was never meant to be.

O’ great plain, I beg of thee

please tell me, if it isn’t you,

what is it that I’m missing?

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on that feeling when a piece of art breaks you out of a funk

Winter 2024

I am a person that foolishly struggles with having gratitude toward the world for being alive. I often lose sight in the beauty, but when I lose sight of losing sight I feel a high that seems unimaginable to match—no one in the world could feel as elated as me. And I feel that high when I am reminded by the true beauty of humanity, which comes from stories. A movie, lyrics, melodies, a picture, a book—I feel lucky to be experiencing tales of grandeur, even if second hand. I feel lucky to relate to something someone so talented conjured up in their mind. I feel a sense of pride when a depth otherwise lost on most resonates with me. I feel my profound understanding of its author is an exclusive one. And when that high comes I feel like the world can be anything for me. Before reality interferes (maybe not reality, but my mind’s own limitations), it doesn’t feel like anyone in the world could be as happy or grateful as me.

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01.21.25

Journaling-wise, not off to a good start in terms of consistency. (Personally) things have been okay so far—a little bleak, but I feel different than before, in a positive way. Been sick quite a bit—everyone has. Every week is a different infection, flu, stomach virus, or nervous breakdown passing between my inner circle. I’ve been using that term a lot because all I can keep track of right now is them. But I am actively trying to keep my loved ones who are far away in mind, more than I did before. Especially after the fires.

I am trying to focus less on the future, immediate or long term, and invest my energy in the present. Focus on my current body, apartment, job, book, movie, habits, meal, etc. It’s actually making me feel better to appreciate (or try) what’s in the moment rather than yearn for something new.

It’s -2 degrees in Chicago. It will get warmer but instead on harping on what will be a non-existent spring, I’m learning to embrace the cold. To use my Snow Angel bubble bath, wear my wool slippers, indulge in hot coffee and soup. It’s so basic but it’s what I own and what I am grateful for.

Tonight I will read Perfume and drink one of the Taiwanese teas that my colleague gifted me in Frankfurt. I’ll respond to text messages, make a winter playlist, try not to go on TikTok. I’ll wear my wool slippers from Chile and the robe Pete got me for Christmas that has grown on me immensely, especially when I had a fever. I will be grateful that I no longer have a fever.