5ftdates

[5ftdates]

OkCupid: The Cyclist

I met Cyclist at The Dead Rabbit, which I’ve always wanted to try.  We went up to the 2nd floor Parlor and I tried the Sneak Thief (Old Forester 100 Proof Bourbon, Amontillado Sherry, Sweet Vermouth, Apricot, Chile De Arbol, Absinthe, Mole Bitters), which most likely threw me off my diet.  It was so smooth and totally worth it, though.

It was a little awkward at first.  I did my best to engage, but every once in a while, he would look like he wanted to say something and decide against it.  It took a few weird minutes to get over the hump.  We sat there for a while, both nursing our drink.  I had a feeling the place was a bit out of his price range, so I didn’t suggest a second round or food, even though I was really hungry.

He talked about biking, I talked about running, he talked about his roommate and I talked about my family.  First dates are starting to get repetitive.

We split the bill and walked around for a bit, then hit Murphy’s Tavern, which I’ve been to before and love.  They’re low-key and quiet and not at all crowded.  I finally caved and got chicken wings, which he ate off my plate.  We talked more, I checked my cell phone, got a text from Dreamboat, and was distracted for a hot minute until Cyclist put his arm around me.  He must be shy because I usually know right away when someone’s interested.

We sat on the subway leaning into each other, which felt nice, and I wondered if he would kiss me but he never did.  Before I got off at my stop, he told me he had fun and if I wanted to go out again.  I said yes, although I was still half fixated on Dreamboat.

[5ftdates]

July 26, 2015 - OkCupid: bondage guy

His name is Rich and I agreed to go on a date with him because he had very interesting rope bondage pictures on his profile.  They looked artsy and fun, and he looked like a pretty smart guy.

We meet at Berry Park, a bar in Brooklyn, and the second he says hello I knew it wasn’t going to work.  He doesn’t really understand my sense of humor and answers all my jokes as if I was being completely serious.  This isn’t enough for me to just leave, but it gets so much worse.

Halfway through his beer, he brings up the subreddit fatpeoplehate.  He starts laughing - full on, maniacal laughter, head thrown back and everything.  He says they are the funniest people ever.  He asks me what I think of them and if I thought it was fair that reddit banned them.  I don’t know what to say, really, so I just shrug and say that Reddit has the right to ban whoever they want.

He then asks if I want to see photos of what he does: bondage.  Thinking he means other artsy photos, I say yes.  He whips out his humongous phone - this thing is practically an ipad mini - and holds up a picture of his penis penetrating a girl.  At this point, I quickly finish my drink, get up, and tell him that I’m not comfortable with him and get the fuck out of there.

He texts me two hours later: “Would you like me to drench your tits in white, frothy cum?  And batter you with my semen?”

Bullet dodged.