5hoursofsleep

[5hoursofsleep]

January 12, 2020 Tanging gabay sa paglalakbay ay ang madilaw na ningning ng buwan sa dilim ng kalsadang ‘tila walang kinabukasan. Dama ng mundo ang bawat yapak sa bigat ng mga problemang nakiki-angkas sa balikat. Hila-hila ang simpleng tanong... bakit nga ba iniwan? Wala namang pagkukulang ngunit ang nadarama’y sumasalungat. Walang yosi ang ‘sing lambot ng yong mga labi— ngunit daig ng usok ng sigarilyo sa puting damit ang pananatili. Kung gaano kahirap tabunan ng pabango, sya ‘ring hirap kalimutan ng isang taong nanakit. Walang alak ang magpapalimot sa masalimuot na alaala, ngunit sa tamang timpla, baka may pag asa pang sumaya. Sumaya, lumipad papuntang langit habang ang mga dibdib ay magkadikit. Sinimulan sa kantahan, ngunit kinalaunan ay ibang mikropono na ang nasa palad. ‘Tila nagbago ang mga liriko ng kanta, ngunit panatag ang mga nota at tono. Isinantabi muna ang gitara, sa pagkat mas masarap sa tenga ang ungol na pilit kumakawala sa kanyang mga bibig. Hindi alam ng mga mata kung saan ito dadalhin ng bawat tirik. Sinasaulo ng palad ang direksyon ng bawat kurba sa katawan. Maari bang manatili na lamang dito?

[5hoursofsleep]

April 2019

Sometimes, when I doubt myself, I ask many people  of how do they feel about a certain thing. When I’ve gathered data, I will ponder on the information and decide which is the most humane, practical, and which opinion will give me a better chance of winning life. Sometimes, I need not to ask but just to observe. I sit there with my mouth closed, but my eyes and ears are aware of the events happening within the environment. I like to observe, without telling anyone my observation. Well, I tell you, because you’re not just anyone. But sometimes, keeping my observations to myself puts me in complicated situations, where I may be emotionally oppressed. Keeping what I see and feel had often put me under overthinking, which leads to an emotional breakdown.

So I still think, what could be the problem? Is it because I think too much and just keep it to myself? Or could thinking too much itself the problem? Or keeping observations to oneself?

And I am in the conclusion of... the problem is thinking too much to myself. I must share my questions in order to free myself from the burden I put on myself. Or, it could be... my mind is exaggerating simple things. Sometimes I look for reason why have you fallen out of love. But, I don’t think anyone could un-love someone just like that. I think, we are going through a crisis, which pushes us to feel hatred towards each other. I believe, time will pass and it will heal us together.

Read this when we are still together:

See! I told you, we can go through this. I don’t regret choosing you over and over again, and I don’t regret believing in your potential.

Read this when... unfortunate things happened: So, what unfortunate thing could’ve happen? If I gave up, then know that I am truly sorry for not fulfilling the promise I gave you. If we are about to go on separate ways, I have a few things to tell you.

Please, do not ever doubt yourself. You are one extraordinary being.

[5hoursofsleep]

March 18, 2019

March 18, 2019 Today is not a good day for me. I had a few smiles and laughs, but I couldn’t enjoy what’s happening. I don’t feel good today, nor yesterday, nor for the upcoming days. I haven’t been okay for a few weeks now, I’ve been sad... I refrained from anything that could hurt me. I kept on stopping myself from self-harm. I cut my nails na din, so I couldn’t scratch myself neither. I just feel my system failing, and I want to give up. Sadness visits me at the most random times of the day. It visits me during a peaceful night, it visits me during a hectic night, it visits me while taking a shower, it visits me even at the peak of falling asleep. I’ve written too many letters, trying to relieve the pain that i’m experiencing. I tried seeking out to people, but I couldn’t get my point right out. I haven’t revealed my sadness to people, and I have only been just keeping this to myself, because I don’t want to be a burden to you or to anyone.

I’m just letting you know that... I am not okay. I am stuck in the question of self-worth, in the question of my values, my actions, and my beliefs. I thought I was good enough for everyone, I thought I was good, I thought I was doing what’s good for everyone... but turns out I have never been a step close to that.

I am not okay. And now is the time that I need you the most. I am not okay, but I know I will be.

I will not be easy to deal with. I could get too sensitive at times, or impatient most of the time... but please... deal with me.

You are not obliged to help me in anyway, but as a person... please do me this.

Things have been different for us, even our love have grown cold, but it does not erase the way I feel for you. I love you, still the same way. And I still want to go through this battle together, I will forever dream of the future of us. I believe in the potential of us, and I won’t let go of this belief.

The question is, will you help me? Please stay.

[5hoursofsleep]

November 15, 2018

Oh, it’s been a long year. It is easy to stay in a loving relationship simply because it’s convenient for the both of you. What’s hard is to stay and continue fighting despite knowing that there are good things outside your relationship. I do not try to engage myself in temporary things— things that’ll soon vanish just like how music fades, how specific shoes become mainstream. I have learned to only pour myself and my efforts on things that will help me on the long run— academics, friends, and family. Along our journey, I have accepted you as my family. I do not look at you as if you’re a walking temporary thing. I see a future in you. Such a pleasant scenery. I see good things waiting for us, challenging us. Forgive me, for demanding too much— I keep on forgetting that you are also human who needs rest as well. Things didn’t go as smoothly as we expected. We could’ve been long gone, but we insist to keep on working together... and goddamn I thank all the gods! At times, I wonder... I do not deserve a love this extravagant. But who’s to say someone is deserving of someone? I claim it that we both have what each other need. It’s been a hard year. Many times, you have tried to push me away and I insist on going back. Not once do I regret coming back. You are what the universe defines as star. You deserve all the good things in life. You know how much I love you. You know exactly how far we can go for each other. The world is waiting for us. There are great things ahead of us waiting! You’re always the best, homie. Happy 1st anniversary, here’s to the first year of a lifetime. I love you.  

[5hoursofsleep]

Kung panaginip ang ‘yong piling sa bawat pagpikit, Hindi na muling gigising, pagkat ito na ang langit.

April 17, 2019

[5hoursofsleep]

 Maybe I should’ve told you this. But I couldn’t. I’m afraid of a lot of things. A lot of things stop me from telling you. One thing like... knowing that you do not feel the same way about me like how you used to. I’m afraid that you wouldn’t ever bother  to try understand... or help. You would say that you don’t know what to do. I’ve been like this for almost a month and I’ve tried hiding it from you. At times where I look away from you... pretending to look outside the window while your driving, pretending to look at the sunset, pretending to have had dust inside my eyes... all that... I tried to hold my tears in. Just as much as how I wanted to hold my emotions together. I just need you now... more than ever. A lot of people do me wrong, yet I let that pass because I do not want to hold grudges. I will try to explain how I feel here. Hindi ko alam. Sa totoo lang. Hindi rin naman kita pwedeng piliting makinig sakin, dahil... sino ba naman ako sayo? Wala ka naman obligasyon sakin na makinig, at nasa sayo kung papakinggan mo nalang. Alam ko maraming nagbago. Sakin, at sayo. Nagbago na tayo. Alam kong gustong gusto mo na umalis, hindi lang kita hayaan. Hindi na tulad ng dati, may ngiti sa mukha kapag nagkikita. May baong kwento na hindi matiis kundi ikwento. Mahigpit kung yumakap. Mahigpit kung humawak ng kamay.

March 17, 2019

[5hoursofsleep]

Kasabay ng pagbulabog ng kulay at malakas na dagundong sa tahimik na kalangitan ang silakbo ng damdaming nagmamakaawang marinig. Sa bawat pagsabog ng malaking tunog, kasabay ang pagtibok ng nanghihinang puso. Boom. Dug dug. Boom. Dug dug. Tila nahiya ang mga tala sa parating na kulay at nagbigay daan sa gandang mauuwi rin lamang sa usok. Nagtago ang mga tala sa takot na masakal ng lumalagong usok, at ang isa... nagtatago. Sa aking tabi. Sa loob ng isang sasakyan. Sa tabi ng kalsada. Sa ilalim ng usok. “Gaano katagal ka na bang nagtatago dito sa tabi ko?” Pinagbigyan ako ng tadhana na makakilala ng isang tala. Isang tala na dati ko lamang tinitingala, pinagmamasdan, pinapangarap... at ngayon, nandito. Nagtatago. Sa aking tabi. Sa loob ng sasakyan. Sa tabi ng kalsada. Sa ilalim ng usok. Ang tala ay nandito. Magkalapat ang labi. Mainit na kamay sa mainit na dibdib. Sinasayawan, habang siya’y nakaupo. Parang pinatikim ako ng kalawakan ng sarap na tanging maharlika lang ang nakakadama. Pinagbigyan ako ng isang kagat sa sarap ng isang tala. Ang init ng tala ay lalong naglalagablab sa pagpasok at labas niya sa aking sistema. Sa loob ko ay isa pang lumalagong kalawakan, sa loob ko... nakahanap ng bagong tahanan ang tala. Ngayon, nandito. Sa isang kamay, mahigpit na kumakapit sa akin, at sa isa pang kamay ay ang puso ko. Pinaglalaruan. Lingid ata sa kaalaman ng mga tala na kailangan ng tao ng puso para mabuhay. Hindi ito tropeyo na maari mong iuwi kapag naipanalo mo ang gera. Hindi ito stress ball, na maari mong pisil-pisilin kapag nawawala nanaman ang iyong isip. Ang puso ko ay hindi ginawa upang pagsilbihan ang tala. Labis na napalapit ang loob ko sa tala. Nakalimutan ko... nagtatago ka nga lang pala. Darating ang araw, babalik ka sa kalangitan. Mawawala. Magtatago. Mula sa aking tabi. Hindi sa loob ng sasakyan. Hindi rin sa tabi ng kalsada. Mawawala gaya ng usok ng kolorete sa kalangitan. Oras na para umuwi, tala. -March 2019