5tereoface

[5tereoface]

The Universe is a Bad Card Dealer

The universe and I are not on speaking terms right now. If you want to know why you’ll have to ask it. I fear that altruism doesn't exist as this sort of un-reachable platitude that everyone strives for- religous or not. As I write this I'm so mad that the tears won't dry from my own face. "It's not fair" runs through my mind like a petulant child on a tantrum. I am speaking of the unlucky hands that life seems to contiuously deal my Mother. She's sleeping in the next room. What set me off this time was she nodded when I asked her if she was loosing the ability to respond. Horrifying. To chase the dragon is to try and get the euphoria of that very first high, but what is it called where you can't even get back to normal complete thoughts. Unable to do anything more than barely mumble a yes when you are asked if you are hungry. I am her auto pilot now. Barely able to walk or maintain balance. Side-effects of the varying perscriptions. Oncologists clearly keeping up appearances for what is most definitely nothing more than statistical data anyalysis. They don't give me estimates anymore, it's just about maintaining a course. How well do you enjoy a sinking ship, a crashing plane? One of the first things she said when she was able to comprehend her prognosis was "I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." I immediatly cried, loudly, like I was before I started writing this. It was brutal. Someone having just had one third of her brain removed, more than half of her cognitive functions, and more than half of her memories gone, can still contemplate the meaning of life. And while I cry on the bed next to her, she is completely calm in that moment, lost in thought. That was eight months ago in December. Now it's coming up on her 63rd birthday, July 16th. A day I will no doubt have marked in a calendar until the day I die. I'm sure I will get a tattoo of her artwork in her honour. Probably write a song or two. That's to be expected. What I don't know is what to do now. I've never been in a holding pattern for so long. We're still in a state of emergency in Ontario, though you'd never know it the way that people act. My seething hate for this universe partially stems from the fact that early in February, post-radiation, the Doctors all suggested we travel and enjoy ourselves now. Don't delay! [Enter Covid-19 Stage Left] Right when she was at her best physically and mentally, the world shuts down. No traffic on the Gardiner, no heavy trucks waking me up every night, and no way to leave without a huge risk of catching it. I don't need to go into the details for most people, as it sort of affected everyone. I haven't earned any income since February, as I work in the Entertainment industry, or what's left of it. Most of my work is born from the conferences and concerts happening around Toronto. Who know's when that will come back. My point is, I can't afford to have anyone help me economically, or from a health risk perspective. To add- I also can't risk working around anyone right now, because if I get sick, she gets sick. I don't want her to die in some quaratine bed, all alone, nobody to hold her hand and tell her how the weather is that day. We should be with the ones we love when they go. That's my motivation for following the rules in these crazy times. It really isn't easy. I've cheated a few times to see some friends in Hamilton. I've also started seeing someone through all of this. Highly improbable for me based on my track record of relationships. Maybe it has something to do with my overwhelming desire for help, when none is really available to me. I can only assume she continues to tolerate my rough edges due to pity. Last summer was my 31st birthday and after a string of uninspiring dates, I had all but given up on meeting anyone interesting. Ok well, I'm not crying anymore. I've switched to self-loathing and emotional analysis mode- the default setting. There's more stories that I could write about her. Maybe that will help.