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5ung39 · 1 year

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Pure, unfiltered crack, laddies. Enjoy.

(Vaguely based off of Aimo Koivunen if you squint)

Read on Ao3

Plan C

He was never supposed to use Plan C.

Plan C was only for the most desperate and dire circumstances, when forever had fallen apart and the universe was being torn apart at it’s seams, when life and limb were on the line. He hadn’t even known about Plan C until he became a captain in the Grand Army of the Goddess, when it had been whispered in his ear in the dead of night by a certain Sheikah general. Long after the War of Ages, when his thoughts had kept him awake at night, he pondered how the war might have changed had he the courage to put The Plan into action.

Now was one of these times.

The battle raged around him and his brothers. Time and Sky stood back to back slashing valiantly at the hoards of monsters that threatened to overwhelm them. Wind, Four and Hyrule were making slow work of a platoon of Bokoblins. Wind was just barely able to dodge a bone-tipped spear to the heart, instead cutting deep into his arm. He cried out and stumbled back into Four who was dodging plenty of spears himself.

“I hate to say it, but your Hyrule sucks, pretty-boy,” Legend yelled from his left, locked in heated combat with a trio of lizalfos. He whipped out his fire-rod and shot out a column of flame. The lizard-like monsters shrieked and flew backward, just out of reach of the flames.

“He makes a point,” Four called, who was trying to shield a profusely bleeding Wind from the worst of the attacks.

“I second that,” Twilight said from his left, executing a spin attack on some stalfos. A gash on his arm guessed with blood, running over onto his hand and dripping onto the grass of the clearing they found themselves in. “I don’t suppose you have any tricks up your sleeve, Captain?”

“None that you haven’t seen before.” He narrowly avoided an arrow to the shoulder courtesy of a ghost archer. He paused for a second. A whisper of a thought floated through his mind. A distant memory he had tried to lock away after the war had ended. It was risky, foolhardy, reckless even, but it just might work.

“Actually…”

“No.” Time’s voice rang out, bringing his train of thought to a screeching halt. “I know what you’re thinking. Plan C is too dangerous in such an enclosed space. Who knows what it could do?”

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” Legend cried

“There’s no other option, Old Man,” Warriors called back, parring a blow from a club, pointedly ignoring Legend’s question. “It’s my Hyrule, I call the shots. And besides,” he stopped to lob the head off of a wizzrobe. “You have a wife to go back to.”

Time’s eye softened. He looked up to the sky, and sighed.

“Whatever it takes.”

Warriors gave him a grim nod. He would not lose more brothers.

“Wild,” he called. Wild, who had been riding a golden lynel like an obstinate horse up until this point, looked up. He plunged his sword between the shoulders of the beast, piercing its heart. He flipped off the dying monster with ease and landed in front of a serious-looking Warriors. He withdrew a bulging packet the size of his hand from the depths of his bag. The packet was plain, only bearing a red ‘C’ stamped in ink on it’s side.

“Wild, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I need you to eat the contents of this packet, no questions asked, okay?”

Okay!” Wild chirruped without hesitation. He snatched the packet from Warriors’ hand and ripped off the top. In the packet was about a cup of white powder.

“Wait, you want me to eat this dry?”

“For Hylia’s sake, we’ve seen you eat rocks,” an exasperated Sky called, taking a bone crushing blow to the stomach. He gave a muffled groan and sank to one knee. Time whirled around now fighting two bokoblins at once while Sky struggled to get up, one hand pressed to his rib cage. The monster hoard pressed in farther, the heroes encircled on every side.

“Do it now, Wild,” Warriors screamed.

Wild shrugged and tipped back his head, emptying the whole packet into is mouth. He licked his lips and stood there, perfectly still for one moment.

“I dont get it, nothing ha-“ Wild’s pupils blew up, them shrank down at an alarming speed. He started vibrating, faster, faster, faster, until he was nothing but a blue blur.

“Hylia deliver us,” the Old Man mumbled to the sky.

Wild let out an ear pairing shriek and darted off, sword in hand, directly into the nearest lynel. The beast gave a mighty roar and raised its sword, prepared to end the life of the tiny blue blur. Warriors closed his eyes, ready to hear the crunch of bones.

Except it didn’t quite happen like that.

Wild slammed his sword unto the beasts’ leg, cutting it clean through. The lynel gave a scream of pain, dropping to its remaining three legs which were quickly obliterated by the vibrating Champion. He gave a maniacal shriek and ran off into the pack of bokoblins that had cornered Sky and Time. These too were made quick work of, this time using a ginormous claymore from his Slate. The monsters converged on him, but they were cut down like blades of grass. The clearing echoed with crazed laughter and monster cries. The rest of the chain stood there bewildered as Wild went insane on the monster army, carving a path through the hoard. Time pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed for what felt like the hundredth time today. He leveled a glare onto Warriors.

“What? It worked.” Warriors motioned to Wild who was covered in monster blood, a crazed smile set below almost pupil-less eyes.

“But at what cost,” Twilight mumbled, wide eyed as his mentee clambered onto the back of a moblin and bit into its neck, snapping it in half.

“Should we help him?” a hazy Wind said from Four’s shoulders.

“I think he has it covered.” Legend turned to Warriors. “Would the ‘C’ in Plan C stand for cocaine, by any chance?”

“What?! No! You think the army would send cocaine with their soldiers? Who would do that? The ‘C’ stands for caffeine.” An incredulous Warriors gasped, as it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sky leaned over. “What’s cocaine?” he whispered to Legend. He shook his head. “Later,” he mumbled back.

The Chain turned it’s attention back to the caffeinated Champion. It seemed that Wild had abandoned his sword in favor of ripping the beasts apart with his bare hands. Time rolled his eyes and explained.

“In the war there was a last-ditch plan conceived by Princess Zelda. The plan was to give a stimulant to the most powerful ally in the platoon. The stimulant would give them unlimited control over their abilities, and them some. In this case it was meant for Darunia.” He leveled a withering glare at the sheepish Warriors. “A Goron.”

“You gave a dose of caffeine meant for a Goron to Wild?” Legend shrieked. “Wild doesn’t even weigh one hundred pounds! What if you kill him?”

As if summoned, Wild snapped his head back to the group, eyes wild. He darted over to Sky and climbed his back, locking his legs around his torso and lunging for his neck, teeth bared.

“WILD NO.” Warriors screamed tackling both of them. “BAD WILD. NO EATING SKY.” He withdrew a bottle of water with a strange cap on it. He pulled the trigger, dousing both a frightened Sky and a feral Wild with water. Wild hissed and flew off of Sky’s shoulders. Crawling on the tips of his toes and hands he backed himself into a tree. Warriors squirted Wild again and again, until he stopped hissing. Wild sta down and shook his head slowly, as if clearing his head.

“Wild?” Warriors ventured, putting the squirt bottle back into is pouch. “You back with us?” Wild sat up with a start and lunged for Warriors, pinning him to the ground.

“That. Was. A m a z i n g.” Wild said, noses touching. Warriors, pushed him off gently. Wild scrambled to his feet, weaving in and out of the befuddled heroes. He stopped at Time and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down to eye level.

“Did you know your eye is gone?” He whispered conspiratorially. Time nodded sagely. “Did you eat it? I’ve eaten eyes before. They’re really squishy.” Time closed his eye.

“No I did not eat my eye, and no you cannot eat my remaining one.” Wild pouted and raced off to Legend, who looked like he wanted to throw himself off of the nearest cliff. Wild gave a loud shriek and picked him up under his arms. Legend let out a loud stream of curse words and tried to get away, to no avail.

“Your hair is pink.” Wild said, slamming his face into Legend’s disgusted one. “Can I have it?”

“What?! Hell no!” Legend gave a kick to Wild’s stomach, forcing the amnesiac to drop the disgruntled hero. Wild bolted to Legend, hands outstretched. Legend gave a little scream and ran. Twilight sighed.

“While this has no doubt been enriching, what are we going to do about Wild? He might hurt some one.” Twilight had to raise his voice over the combined din of Wild’s shrieks and Legend’s cries for help. “I don’t suppose you have sleeping powder in there, do you?”

“Ha ha, very funny wolf-boy,” Warriors deadpanned, flicking Twi’s pelted shoulder. “No, if my calculations are correct, he should be crashing in about five, four, three two..” he counted down on his fingers. “One.”

As if on cue, Wild stopped in his tracks and collapsed face down into the dirt. Loud snores ripped from his body as his breath evened out. Legend approached carefully, steps light as to not wake the feral beast. He lightly pressed two fingers to WIld’s neck.

“He’s out alright. Should be for the next couple of hours.”

“Guess we better make camp here, then.” Four said, gently laying down Wind. He looked up with a start. “What are we going to do about dinner, though?”

Legend snorted. “I’d rather let Wild harvest my hair than put up with any of your guys’ cooking.” A ripple of agreement spread through the camp. The chain set to unpacking, Twilight gently moving the snoring Wild away form where Time was making a campfire. Sky looked up from his bag.

“Will someone please tell me what cocaine is?”

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