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[9e9girl9-blog]

Abyss

I can’t seem to understand what is wrong with me. I have a loving family, amazing friends, and an incredible relationship. There is so much for me to be grateful for. I’m not saying I’m not grateful. I am so incredibly grateful for who is in my life and what I have. Unfortunately, there seems to be this heavy weight that tries to pull me down to an empty abyss. An abyss full of pointless pain. Pain that doesn’t need to be felt. Pain left by others for me to drown in. Everything bad that I’ve ever experienced lays in this abyss. It waits for me late at night when I’m finished with a day full of practicing healthy coping mechanisms. It grabs my arms and forces me to think that I can’t make it through the night because it’s going to be the one that takes me away from this world. I think what people don’t comprehend about suicide is that it’s not the person who decides to take their own life. It's depression. Sure, they have some say of if they want to leave, but I also don’t believe they have a choice. Depression is literally fighting the devil on your shoulder not to kill you. It’s the feeling of wanting to try new things to distract yourself, but also not having the motivation to do so. It’s having a low amount of motivation to even get up out of bed and face the fact that you have to go through another day of fighting this urge to die later at night. Because at night that’s when everything sinks in. Everything meaning everything that has ever happened in your life. Not the good, but the bad. My first love was never a person, it was depression. Because it’s been there for me since middle school. It’s more or less a toxic relationship. Without it, I feel lost. Happiness being a weird feeling to actually feel because happiness, in my case, is my relationship that I’m currently in. Happiness is healthy and peaceful, but depression is the toxic ex trying to take me away from anything that gives me life. That gives me a reason to breathe. Without depression, it’s like I’ve forgotten who I am as a person because depression made me. I’ve never wanted to leave anybody and that’s why I don’t end it. I don’t end it because I can’t put that pain onto others. I don’t want them wondering why I didn’t bother talking to them or why I thought leaving would be a better route. People end their life because everyday they are suffering an internal battle with themselves. Most of the time, there isn’t even a reason as to why they are sad. It’s just there eating them alive like a virus inside of a sick person’s body. It slowly breaks them down until the only option they have is to kill it. Kill themselves. People say suicide is selfish, but I think it can also be selfish for them to think that. Depression is literally a chemical imbalance in their brain. A mental illness. It’s being in a relationship that makes you finally see a future for yourself and want to be alive, but then also having depression, not the person, but the depression pushing them away so that you aren’t able to have a future. It’s not telling your partner or your friends what’s going on in your brain because you don’t want sympathy. It’s not telling them to avoid having them worrying about you. Sometimes it gets too much to handle for yourself, so you figure the same for others. Depression has always been an abyss full of dark, toxic storms.